Yes, men are shallow

If the wifw has removed sex from the equation of the marriage or severely curtailed it, we're more likely to go AWOL

 

I assume you mean never the OW??

 

Same as any other crime. Means, motive, opportunity.

 

You’re either basically an optimist or basically a pessimist. Optimists will always see the bright side, pessimists the dark. Even optimists who’ve been cheated on will be optimistic about their next relationship! Whereas pessimists wont.

Not much to be done about it. Pessimists will always default to pessimism and see the dark side in most things, whereas optimists will search out the light and because they seek it, generally they’ll find it.


There must be millions of men just like me who are tempted by but turn down women who knock on their hotel door at one in the morning and are committed “Till death us do part” to their wives.

Just because a husband is tempted by other women it doesn’t mean that in any way he isn’t totally committed to his wife.


And if a woman is NEVER tempted by a man other than her husband, if she never gets that hot flush, feeling in her stomach, never feels the hots for another guy then surely something is not quite right about her.

 

Means=money
Opportunity=*****s everywhere
Motive=usually the penis


Sorry thats my rant for the day.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

Men and women cheat for the same reasons THEY WANT TO and are SICK IN THE HEAD

BY and large however id say more men cheat for slightly different reasons than women but in the end men and women cheat for similar reasons at the end of the day. Men cheat because they by nature programmed to be as promiscuous as can be however far to many men are incapable of being in a monogamous relationship or truly giving themselves to only 1 woman. Its not so much that men are "biologically programmed to cheat" its more so the fact that men are Biologically programmed to seek as much sex as possible and to impregnate as many attractive and preferably young females as they can. That is why more men participate in such activities in addition male cheating/infidelity is not a "bad thing" in many many parts of the world and in many many countries and cultures and throughout human history males cheating is normal accepted and rarely if ever punished or cared about in addition its often been viewed as "normal" and just "man's business".

There is far to much to explain but just know this. When men cheat its for selfish reasons just like when women cheat. Nothing causes a man to cheat other than his own personal flaws and him being programmed to seek so much sex is not an excuse to cheat. We still have control over our actions and can bypass what evolution has installed into us.

 

OK I am going to turn this thread on it's ear a little. I will likely get lambasted but that is OK, I think it is worth a frank discussion.

You are all correct, cheating is a CHOICE and a bad one. I used to be like many of you claim. I always thought men were dirtbags and never understood how they could cheat on their wives. I have turned down offers without batting an eye in the past. I am now at a point where I don't know if I could.

I love my wife and I want her to be the one to do it for me. However, for the last 8 years or so her desire has diminished to pretty much zero and almost to the point of being anti-sex.

I have talked until I am blue in the face, tried to make changes, asked if I am not meeting some of her needs, suggested counseling, hormone testing, you name it. I have even mentioned leaving so I don't hurt her if I did "slip up". It is crushing me to the point where it is affecting other aspects of our lives and I cannot get her to "see" it.

I know the "easy" answer is going to be to divorce her. I love her and my family life. She is good to me in nearly every other aspect and is a great mother to my children. But feeling desired by her is a major need for me that she cannot or will not meet.

My honor and integrity have always been of utmost importance to me so here I sit day after day fighting with myself... If I divorce her I feel like I have failed myself, her, and our children. If I slipped up and cheated on her I will have destroyed my honor and likely won't be able to live with myself either...

Call me a scumbag, call me a "typical male", or whatever you want but I am at a total loss any more...

 

Is your wife conflict avoidant? If she is she may well be full of resentment she’s built up over the years through unresolved anger. If she still has anger in her for events from years, maybe decades ago then she’ll be what’s called pathologically embittered. It’s what happens as a result of avoiding confrontation and letting things build up. So if your wife is a passive woman and conflict avoidant she may well be harbouring anger against you and in some ways may not actually like you let alone love you.

Are you a good to excellent provider? If you are your wife will not want to leave you because of what you provide for her and her children. So she expresses her anger against you and her dislike of you by withholding sex and maybe other expressions of love that you’d normally expect from a “loving” wife.


If the above makes any sense then fitness test your wife. One way of doing this is to ask her to remarry you, to retake your vows. A loving wife who deeply loves her husband, respects him and appreciates what he provides will feel immensely happy because her H asked her to get married again. It’s very romantic.

On the other hand a wife who harbours strong anger and deep dislike of her husband will do everything she can from re marrying him.


Another way to fitness test your wife is to ask her to forgive you for everything you ever got wrong in the past. If she gives you a nice smile and a hug, you’ll know she’s forgiven you already. If she gets angry, accusatory, avoids etc. then you’ll know you’re dealing with a lot of resentment.

By fitness test I mean test your wife to see if she’s fit enough to be married to you. For example, why on earth would you want to stay married to a woman who would not marry you again today? And why on earth would you want to stay married to a woman who is angry at you and dislikes you for things you did in the past, yet still takes all that you provide for her?

 

The ball is in her court, but keep serving her lobs (yay a metaphor used in conjunction with another metaphor).

Do you're self a favor though and don't give yourself opportunity to cheat. While it may be great for a few minutes, the fallout will give you headache/heartache for years and years to come from your wife and family.

 

Dean,

Where?

 

Uhm, what???

 

^Have you read Athol's book? I was with my wife for over 40 years, never once did she turn me down for sex in all that time.

Athol knows what he's on about.


Your resentment due to your conflict avoidance will affect your marriage. Write everything down that you are resentful about. Go through a process of forgiveness, burn the pages, forget all about it and start anew.


If you cannot do that then you have an exceedingly big problem that needs resolving.


If you are resentful for things over 6 months ago you will be embittered. It's called pathalogical embitterment, is very serious and needs help/coaching to overcome it as it will have become a way of life for you.

 

I am not conflict avoidant with her. The only thing I am resentful about is having a wife with zero desire for me. Starting over isn't going to change that.

She feels that she shows her love for me by all that she does for me and taking care of me and our girls. And she does. Logically I know she loves me and would do anything for me. However, I need physical intimacy and I cannot get her to understand the importance of it for me.

 

It’s not a low self-esteem need by any means. In essence your wife is not loving you in a way that makes you feel loved. That of course in and of itself will make your self-esteem take a dive.

If she were to sit on your lap and start kissing you amongst other things then for sure you would actually FEEL loved by her.

At the moment the love she gives you is a bit “academic”. Sure she’s a good woman, sure she does loads of things for you, sure she tells you she loves you .... so in a non emotional, rational, academic way you accept that she loves you.

But you don’t actually feel loved.

Look up the five love languages. Both of you take the test, or you can do your wife’s as you know her so well. What you will discover is that you two have very different love languages. It’s bulk standard stuff, you’re in love yet you don’t feel loved!

If you both work on it you can both love each other in the way you need to be loved to actually feel loved. But this means MASSIVE changes in behaviour. And your wife, because of HER comfort and satisfaction levels in the marriage is simply NOT motivated to make any changes to herself!

 

No, I generally have a low self-esteem which I think exacerbates the problem.

 

I've been guilty of digging hard to make things easy for my partner. All the while, I figured she appreciated it. When it was clear she didn't (by her actions and attitude), I doubled down on what wasn't working and tried harder.

Eventually, I asked myself, "How's this working for me?"

And, yes, I had people interrogating me the same way I'm doing to you.

 

AFEH,

We have already done this. She is an acts of service and then quality time person. (I wasn't surprised by that).

I am a physical touch then quality time person. (Also not surprising).

Knowing that she is an acts of service language, I know that she shows her love for me by keeping the house clean, doing laundry, making me lunches every morning, etc. That is how she expresses it.

Unfortunately for my side I need the physical touch. She loves hugs/kisses/etc but she has grown some aversion to physical touch. (Even with our children).

 

Frustr8ted,

I've been doing plenty of soul-searching the past year on this very thing. Here's a conclusion that can save all of you plenty of time thinking of this stuff

We have 2 brains. Logical center = left brain. Emotional center = right brain.

Intellectually, we can understand and reason through things.

But, to "grasp it"... or to "get it" REQUIRES our right brain to wrap itself around the concept. This often results in AHA.... as the reaction.

AFEH is correct. What your wife gives to you, your left brain is saying... "this is how she does it"

Yet, your right brain is literally - SCREAMING - at you.... this doesn't make me "feel" it.

Both are necessary for you to be happy.

 

I have been on it for about 2 years now and believe me I get it. Unfortunately I am the left-brain type. Logic typically tries to take over.

However, with that being said, I am getting closer to the point where I think I can live without her. I don't want to, and hope I don't have to but it is getting there...

 

Does she know the stakes?

Remember, she has a "right brain" to wrap around things as well.

 

SA,

You have nailed it on the head as always...

 

AFEH,

That is distinctly possible though she claims it isn't true and when we do get together she tends to O.

I don't know how to get at what does it for her. I've asked about toys, I tried to pull the truck over one night and see if she was up for it. She laughed it off. She doesn't read much so that is out (even though she used to like erotic stories).

I can hardly even get her to talk about sex just to probe her mind.

As an example. A few weeks ago we went out for Mexican and margaritas for lunch. We both seemed to loosen up a little so on the ride home I started asking her about 3somes just for kicks. I asked her of anyone we know or any celebrity (male or female) who would you want. I get nothing...

If she truly does like sex just not with me, she is a master of not letting her guard down..

 

I'm thinking your wife has absolutley no fear of losing you.

That you are so Consciencious and Steady that no matter what you "say" you will always be there for her, no matter what she does or what she doesn't do. Maybe you're like a massive rock in the garden that cannot be moved because it is too big and too heavy. It will always be there, even if she kicks it as she walks past.



I think you have to do something really outlandish. Something that is so very NOT you.


Maybe book a week off work. Then on Sat morning just say goodbye and take yourself off somewhere. Tell her you need time to yourself, that you WONT be calling and that you'll be ok.


And then just go.