[Too Blue]

What can I do?

My wife works incredibly hard and is always busy with something. It's like this if you are talking in the kitchen she will put away the dishes or clean the counter-top or organize it, anything but give me "undivided" attention. Most nights she is busy working in the home office on her business venture. (that is understandable, but she has been asked many times to set aside certain nights for me/us. If she does stop and "relax" with me, she makes sure I feel what an act of monumental proportions it is.

Okay, here it is: When I after spending weeks feeling "alone" in my own home, I ask her discuss my loneliness and the absence of my "loving" wife. This last time before asking I was sooooo sad about my condition I asked to be left alone and retreated to our spare bedroom, where I stayed for 48 hours. She didn't even check in on me, once. Deciding I'd better just pull up my boot-straps and get up, which I did. I then proceeded to inform my wife how appreciative I was with her total love and concern for my well being. This led to one of our classic battles, where I try to explain why I feel the way I do and she reminds me of every bad thing I've said or done in my entire life with her. (20 years) Me telling her that I am not happy feeling alone in my own home turned into a referendum on my faults. As it turns out most of the times that we were "getting along" she was miserable and it was a nightmare, to quote her.
Now don't get me wrong, I have my own faults. One of them being I am sometimes hyper-critical of people, even my wife and kids, but, in my mind, not bad enough to endure what has been my life lately. (years)
I will even come out of the blue and suggest we talk about these issues and the first time I criticize her in any way, here comes the storm and it will soon be the same old referendum on MY behavior and it will encompass many years past, issues that I thought were resolved come up again and again, always with me as the BAD guy and at fault for the whole mess. When I calmly bring up this exact issue I am speaking of here, guess what, you got it, total blow-out and I'm the worst thing that ever happened to her.

So, what can I do?

 

[Emerald]

A couple of things from your post stand out for me:

Because you stayed in a room for 48 hrs., do you think you may be clinically depressed (not simply sad)?

Do you feel she is angry & resentful due to you being critical?

 

[KathyBatesel]

TooBlue, I think what you're experience is what the vast majority of us get into at some time or another.

You feel alone and lonely. You're disappointed by your wife's lack of attention. This might or might not be due to speaking different love languages, but in any case it is YOUR problem. You have asked for more time, and you've seen she's reluctant to give it for some reason. That means it's time for you to own your problem and not expect HER to.

Look beyond your wife to fix your loneliness. That might mean getting out of the house more. Making friends or spending time with the ones you have. Buy a dog if that'll help. When you stop feeling needy, the status quo will shift and you'll start getting more time from your wife, too, I believe.

 

[Chelle D]

I too think that the staying in room for 48 hrs is not a healthy sign.
But... I took a different spin on it.

Too me, it looked like you were "testing" her to SEE if she was going to come & check on you.

It says that you "asked" to be left alone.. & retreated to the spare bedroom for 48hrs where she did not check on you once.

And now you're mad at her for honoring your wish of being left alone? You told her to leave you alone, then put her thru a "test" to see if she cared about you... But she did not get any knowledge that this was a test... Did she have any clue that she should be doing anything other than "leaving you alone" as you had requested?

It just does not seem logical that you are mad about that part.


About her bringing up every critical thing you have ever said in each fight... Now that.. You can deal with.
Make a pointed effort not to critize ANYTHING about her in the next two weeks. When you have another discussion & she starts bringing up ancient past... Ask her to keep the discussion to the past two weeks only. That you are turning a new leaf & want discussion & feedback if the change is helping the relationship. Make sure that she is knowlegable that you want to discuss recent two weeks only. But then.. in the same fairness.. You need to address her lack of companionship to you IN THE LASt two weeks only, as well.

 

[CandieGirl]

Yes, the above, get out there and live. Maybe your W will want to join in at some point, when she sees what she's missing out on. All work and no play and all that jazz...

 

[Too Blue]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I would like to respond without attaching names. Yes, I do suffer from depression, I take wellbutrin for it. Yes, I guess I was testing her but also was in a very bad state to say the least. Yes, I did ask to be left alone right after I explained how sad I was and why. I asked to be left alone for a while, not abandoned. Yes, I do need to get out there and live for myself. The irony here is, I always refrained from going out for myself so she wouldn't feel neglected. LOL

Thanks again everyone.

p.s. We are talking tonight and I will bring up her turning a simple plea for some help into a referendum on my life. Although, I have made that exact request many times before. If we could only talk about our issues without it turning into a total blow-out on me and the perfect recounting of my mistakes. If I mention something I would like to see change, she explains why it is my fault it is the way it is, even though there is NO connection and if I point that out, with proof, it's over, here comes the tempest!!! I'll try again, but there comes a time where I am going to say "enough" and go on my merry way.