Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 121 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,719 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I was thinking about this the other day and not withstanding the emails/phone calls, etc. that took place between H and his EA...one thing stands out for me still to this day that still bugs me...

That on DD#1 when H said to me as I was practically begging him:scratchhead: to stay in the marriage..that he commented that he was "not sure what he wanted"...to this day it still bugs the crap out of me that he said this.

I have, I admit, thrown this back in his face over the last year about how stupid of him to actually think he was going to leave his marriage for some chick he met overseas who was desperate to come to this country....like that relationship would have worked out..

What bugs you the most from the whole discovery of your WS's A...was it something they said/did, etc.?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,262 Posts
It was the level of deciete. She worked very hard on the hiding of info, making arrangments to meet him. My stupidity for not seeing what was going on in my own life. When I found the pictures and sexting messages it killed me something I tried to get her to do for years and she was doing it with someone else and not me

I knew this guy from High School. I thought he was an A hole then of course I think a lot worse now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,719 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Yes the deceit bugs me too but to me it was those words from him..."I am not sure what I want" that stand out for me.

I have to admit there is a part of me that almost wishes that I had just let him go and stood on the sidelines while he wrecked his life...because between our messy divorce and his AP sucking him dry financially it would have been interesting.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,770 Posts
It was when I asked my fiancé about the text message in which his EA accused him of leading her on. The immediate circumstances were that she refused a kiss from him so he was turning away from her....... She accused him of leading her on....... this at a time when she knew that he knew she was dating someone else and also when they had been discussing me for more than a month.

What really galled me was when I brought up those moments ie, the kiss that she mentioned and the subsequent accusation he said, yeah, I really felt that I had led her on.......

oh really, now, when even at that point, I was still in the dark about everything.......
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
235 Posts
What bugs me the most was how I was connected to two of the most stupidest people on the Earth. Actual conversation they had,

AP: Does your husband own guns?

WW: Yes, several.

AP: Do I need worry about your husband if he finds out about us?

WW: No, this would be just between him and I.

AP: OK..good.


Needless to say, seven months later I caught up with him and he literally cried like a "school girl" in front of me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
191 Posts
Man, there are just so many things. Finding out that on the weeklong vacation I had with my family that she was NOT talking and texting her sister but her AP instead. Or is it the fact that I bought her a new car months AFTER she started seeing her AP. Or perhaps the day I caught her after she lied to myself and the kids about going shopping but I found her at the AP's house. Or perhaps it's the time I walked onto the deck to get my glass while she was on the phone and she yelled at me about giving her privacy while she talked to her sister (AP). Sigh..............
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,319 Posts
What bugs me the most is that I began HB before learning the details of their physical acts together.

Not until I learned "how" they did it did I understand the "changes" in my WW's bedroom behavior.

Also, as counter-intuitive as it seems, I still feel gross when playing over in my head her gratuitous remarks on how well endowed I am. (obvious comparison that I could do without).

gross
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
859 Posts
All of it?!?!?!?

A couple of low notes....1. when hubby told me he wanted a divorce, I cried, and he said "do you know how hard this is fo me?" ( he picked me up from the airport LATE tht day after I was gone for 3 weeks, had my brother die in front of my eyes and had to be strong for the rest of my family and take care of the funeral). 2. I asked him if there was someone else and he said "no. I have been feeling this for awhile and tried to make a list of reasons whyI still loved you and couldn't come up with any. Don't I deserve to be happy?". 3. Then we were in false R after DD3, and he said after I had a trigger "I have to remember that just because I don't think about it doesn't mean it didn't happen", 4. and when I sent him an email during that same timeframe telling him that I didn't want the man I married because that man was a liar and a cheat and that I wanted more, he said he "didn't like it at all." 5. Also during this timeframe I told him that I felt like I was liviing in her shadow, and he said "no - your not". 6. For Valentines day (still in false R), he wrote a card that said "there are not many cards that say from a dumbass husband...." 7....and, a day after DD 4 we took my daughters to the store to buy stuff for a school project. I could barely maintain my composure and went walking the isles by myself. He said he was hurt that I didn't want to hold his hand......like I was just supposed to be ok with finding out that the affair that never should have happeed in the first place dragged out for 3 more months after DD1....ugh......yep, all of it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,979 Posts
If I had to pick one single thing, it was a comment my H said about my body when he was at the height of the affair. Of course now he is so apologetic, appalled he ever said such a thing, denies that it was ever true and says it was said to be hurtful at the time, the actual words weren't accurate, etc. etc. Whatever, some things that you say you cannot take back.

If I had to pick two things, it would be the image of my H sitting on our sofa, in the exact same spot, on more than one occasion, arms akimbo tight against his chest, his face drawn up into a scowl, and his head shaking fiercely as he denied that there was "anyone else." With me begging him to tell me the truth (I didn't know he was in an affair) because I was sure that the way he was acting meant that he was in an affair. I've said this a number of times but the image that comes to mind when a WS acts like that is gollum holding tightly to The One Ring..."my precious"...which I don't think in my H's mind represented his AP, this one particular woman...but rather the affair itself, the fantasy escape it represented. Protect it at all costs! That was his body language in retrospect...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
859 Posts
...sorry...how could I forget...the fact that my husband had to wear a condom with me...his wife of 15.5 years because he chose not to wear one wth her....that because you "sleep with everyone your partner sleeps with, I am actually sleeping with her? Guess she slept with me and I slept with her SO.....I almost just threw up in my mouth.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
152 Posts
Deception, deceit, lying, no loyalty, no remorse, doing whatever it takes to save face, etc. And even when presented with information, they will try and keep lying, not because they care but because they want to make themselves look better.
Ya know, sometimes I ask myself, if we were dating these people, would we be so quick to try and work and work and work on it, to the point of exhaustion? No, we'd just leave them and date someone else.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,719 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
If I had to pick one single thing, it was a comment my H said about my body when he was at the height of the affair. Of course now he is so apologetic, appalled he ever said such a thing, denies that it was ever true and says it was said to be hurtful at the time, the actual words weren't accurate, etc. etc. Whatever, some things that you say you cannot take back.

If I had to pick two things, it would be the image of my H sitting on our sofa, in the exact same spot, on more than one occasion, arms akimbo tight against his chest, his face drawn up into a scowl, and his head shaking fiercely as he denied that there was "anyone else." With me begging him to tell me the truth (I didn't know he was in an affair) because I was sure that the way he was acting meant that he was in an affair. I've said this a number of times but the image that comes to mind when a WS acts like that is gollum holding tightly to The One Ring..."my precious"...which I don't think in my H's mind represented his AP, this one particular woman...but rather the affair itself, the fantasy escape it represented. Protect it at all costs! That was his body language in retrospect...
Your comment about "some things you say you cannot take back" very true...

That is why it bugs the heck out of me so much it is like holy smoke you actually thought you and your EA were going to have this great life together:confused:

I guess though that is the "fog" talking.....

I often wonder if the WS's often shudder at the things they said or did when in the fog...I sure hope so!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
859 Posts
I often wonder if the WS's often shudder at the things they said or did when in the fog...I sure hope so![/QUOTE]

Some do...Mine does. He goes nuts and yells "wh*re" (talking about OW - that just happened last week), when her name (not even her name - just referencing "her") is even brought up. It makes him ill and angry at himself. He hates himself. He destroyed our front door and 2 of our dining room chairs in the process and now is getting into anger management. I say that with no emotion. But he is right, she is a wh*re - too bad he didn't realize it sooner. Just made himself a man wh*re in the process and a really crappy husband and father.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,890 Posts
Good gosh, there are so many it's hard to choose.

Perhaps it was the utter feeling of stupidity, that I did not discover my wife's affair for two full years.

All the GNO's, the after work drinks with friends, the hours long weekend shopping trips, the nights she would come home late and sleep on the couch, the nights she went to bed with her blue jeans on, the hours and hours she was on Facebook, the cell phone calls she had outside on the porch. I felt like a total imbecile.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,880 Posts
That she had been doing internet searches for him a couple times a year.
"He did his time in prison and he was innocent,he's got a really good job".
He was f ing homeless and had warrants out for him.
We had argued about him quite a few times in the past.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,234 Posts
What bugs me the most is knowing how she talked to my Mom and her parents about me. She would tell them I didn't "do enough" around the house or "help out" when I was home from a flight. Truth is, I did do stuff when I was home, unless I was only home on a 24 hour turn...then I really didn't feel like doing the dishes. I wanted family time.

Worse part about that was that I...me...I actually bought into it and purchased several books on becoming a better person and finding myself and all kinds of zen sh-t. And her parent's got me a real nice book by Tony Dungee about becoming a better man.

I threw all that sh-t away when she finally admitted to them she had lied about me. Unfortunately, my Mother passed away 2.5 years before Dday.

People have asked me why I stayed with Regret. I can honestly say that some of it has to do with talking to my Ma in the hospital just days before she died. She had been given Last Rites while she was awake so she could be at peace. Our family and friends left the room to give us time alone. Ma looked at me and talked about how bad my sperm donor was and how equally bad my step idiot was. I know now that she was thinking about what Regret had told her and she said to me, "Dig, just promise me that you will be a much better man and promise me you will always take care of your family."

I'm trying Ma. I really am.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,439 Posts
The biggest bug I had.

I still can’t understand it... On DD, while my heart was crushed, I still believed her to be a smart wonderful person; I still believed in her and had her on a pedestal. She has major fears: All of them stem from her just wanting me to see the best in her. And on DD, I was still seeing the best in her and trying to believe in her.

By keeping to her idiotic stories and lies in light of all the continued evidence I was uncovering for months after DD.... It bugs me to no end that she choose the most logical path to make her every fear real. Basically, she choose to be the very person she most did not want me to see.

It is in those days and months after DD that a wayward’s character is defined. She defined hers in the worst possible way. That bugs me. She knew it too; MC warned her as did “the books and forums”. Yet, she picked the worst possible way to present someone I could ever truly respect or forgive.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
35 Posts
That she had the OM moving in a week or two after she had kicked me out of MY OWN house by getting a CPO against me. Within 2 weeks, another man slept with her in the master bedroom, right next to her 13 year old daughter's bedroom. What a POS as a role model for her daughter.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,788 Posts
The things these days (3yrs of R) is the dangerous things she was putting her self into.

Going to bars alone, getting into strange cars, going to place were she was lost and counted on OM's taking her back to her car.

She was in a very self distructing mode when I finally confronted her. The stupid and dangerous behavior bothers me these days.

Three years ago it was the lies, doing things together like normal, and not dealing with her unhealthy behaviors years sooner.
 
1 - 20 of 121 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top