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I respect everyone’s opinion. I just gotta say that those who are willing to be vulnerable to their partners are taking huge risk.

There is a risk that your spouse may expose you, judge and criticize you.


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That’s the price you pay for vulnerability and truly knowing someone.

Everyone gets judged and criticized in their life. It isn’t the end all be all. I don’t know why your so sensitive to it.

Didn’t you have siblings that made fun of you and stuff?
 

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OUr rule is everything is shared. There is no privacy. Never been a problem.
Imho this is one extreme. Somewhere in the middle there's a balance.

Balanced sharing is the glue that holds a couple together at times. And the pendulum swings over time for a couple to find their particular sweet spot.

After 35 yrs DW and I know a lot, have gone through most life events as a team, and it's good.

Yes there are times all isn't exposed but only trivial things.

Balance....
 

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I respect everyone’s opinion. I just gotta say that those who are willing to be vulnerable to their partners are taking huge risk.

There is a risk that your spouse may expose you, judge and criticize you.


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There's no doubt, it's not a chance, but a certainty.

And that's ok with me.
 

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Discussion Starter #65
That’s the price you pay for vulnerability and truly knowing someone.

Everyone gets judged and criticized in their life. It isn’t the end all be all. I don’t know why your so sensitive to it.

Didn’t you have siblings that made fun of you and stuff?
Sometimes there was kids making fun of me in middle and high school. It happens to everyone.


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My heart is protected. I can survive whatever comes my way, as an independent person.

Being a solid individual makes a person a better partner. As partners, DW and I know deeply about each other, more than any others know about each of us but that doesn't equate to reducing a person to an emotional cripple if something goes off track.

One must always be one's own person but that, either, doesn't equate to not being a full partner in a M.
 

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I respect everyone’s opinion. I just gotta say that those who are willing to be vulnerable to their partners are taking huge risk.

There is a risk that your spouse may expose you, judge and criticize you.

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Dude, this is THE most paranoid thing I have eve seen written on TAM, barre none...

Why are you so secretive and insecure? Is there something so horrible about you that you can never allow anyone to know it about you? Do you understand how COMPLETELY out of the norm your views appear to be to most of us?

Why would you actually be with a person that you could NEVER be vulnerably with? Do you always live in this paranoid frame of mind, always on guard?????
 

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What do you tell and not tell your spouse?

Here are my own privacy rules. When or if there is drama going on in my birth family or between me and my friends, I don’t tell my wife about it because it’s none of her business. If have a family member that I have problems and conflicts with for any reason, I’ll never talk and vent to my spouse about it because it has nothing to do with her and it won’t affect her in anyways. Even if one of my family members is physically or mentally ill, i won’t bring it up to my wife because it’s private and it may not affect her anyways and she may start judging and talking trash about my family to people she knows. And I don’t talk to her about my past such as my past mental illness, my childhood and I never showed her any pictures from my childhood. Specially baby pics of me. She doesn’t need to see that.
Huh... well, @vintagetriplex , here are my privacy rules:
When or if there is drama going on in my birth family or between me and my friends, I share that with my Beloved Buddhist, because he is interested in me and cares about me...so if it affects me, it affects him.
If have a family member that I have problems and conflicts with for any reason, I talk to my Beloved Buddhist about it because I am his family now and so it has to do with him. In addition, he is a very calm, wise person and when I share with him, a) I feel more peaceful, and b) I can learn from his suggestions.
If one of my family members is physically or mentally ill, I bring it up to my Beloved Buddhist because I want him to see my real thoughts and feelings and know what is on my mind or worrying me. I may need time to take care of them or need time to work through what they did while they were mentally ill, and thus, again, it affects him. I think he has a right to know.
And I DEFINITELY talk to my Beloved Buddhist about my past such as my divorce due to cheating, my own past infidelity, my abusive childhood and every flaw about me, because I believe he is mature enough to handle the truth AND because I believe he has a right to know what he's signing up for! As regards to showing him any pictures from my childhood (specially baby pics), I was adorable as a kid and enjoy sharing the memories with him.

Basically I want to be mysterious. A lot of people who are married know too much about their spouses and they talk about their spouses personal life and childhood past to their friends and coworkers and they even post about it on the internet. I notice that women tend to do that more then men. Women love to bash their husbands and talk about their sex lives and talk about their husbands shortcomings, childhood past and personal lives.
Hmmm...I think we have very different aims. I want to be known. I want someone to know me deeply and still find me valuable, as I am. My Beloved Buddhist knows my friends and coworkers and if he wants to share with them, I'm a fairly open book, so I don't need to hide anything from anyone. Now, I do share things with Beloved Buddhist more deeply and intimately than I do with a friend, co-worker, or on an anonymous board like TAM...but the basic facts stay the same, he just knows MORE. Make sense? Regarding women bashing their husbands and talking about shortcomings...yeah, there are a lot of women who do that, and it's a shame because I think in general men want to know what makes them happy and are often willing to do it if they know what to do! But women are imperfect and men are imperfect and all of that is kind of vague generalities. MY man doesn't bash me, and I don't bash my man. Other women might, but I don't. In fact, I make it a point to speak of him with respect and kindness, because guess what? I love him. Maybe your wife loves you too.

That’s why I try to be the best lover to my wife and perform my husband duties as well as possible but i have my guards up and tell myself to shut up when I’m about to tell her something personal about myself or my family. I resist the urge to be too comfy even tho she is sometimes invasive and ask personal deep questions about myself. I give her vague explanations and change the subject. I don’t even talk to her about my bad days at work and i always tell her that i had a fantastic day even tho I didn’t and even tho I’m still going thro depression because I Lost both of my parents, when I’m around my woman, I put a smile on my face or I try to be polite as possible and perform my husband duties.

What are you privacy rules in your marriage?
If my Beloved Buddhist treated me like you treat your wife, I would be so sad I wouldn't even know how to say it. Essentially, the person I love would not trust me enough to share himself with me! @vintagetriplex I crave closeness with my husband. I WANT to know him. I WANT to know his thoughts and feelings, and be there to support him and back him up. If he withheld that from me, I would be very depressed.
 

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Discussion Starter #69
Dude, this is THE most paranoid thing I have eve seen written on TAM, barre none...

Why are you so secretive and insecure? Is there something so horrible about you that you can never allow anyone to know it about you? Do you understand how COMPLETELY out of the norm your views appear to be to most of us?

Why would you actually be with a person that you could NEVER be vulnerably with? Do you always live in this paranoid frame of mind, always on guard?????
I’m not closed off in general. I do open up to my close friends and vice versa. But with a woman, I have to be as perfect as possible and I don’t allow to be too comfortable and be vulnerable.


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I’m not closed off in general. I do open up to my close friends and vice versa. But with a woman, I have to be as perfect as possible and I don’t allow to be too comfortable and be vulnerable.


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But why? What are you afraid of?
 

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IDK. I just cringe at the thought of being vulnerable to a woman.


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What would happen if she tried to initiate sex with you and you couldn’t get an erection? What would happen if she saw you yell out in pain because a soccer ball hit you in the nuts? What would happen if she saw you crying during the holidays because you missed your parents?
 

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Discussion Starter #76
What would happen if she tried to initiate sex with you and you couldn’t get an erection? What would happen if she saw you yell out in pain because a soccer ball hit you in the nuts? What would happen if she saw you crying during the holidays because you missed your parents?
I don’t know what would happen if I had erectile dysfunction but whatever happens wouldn’t be positive.
If she saw me yell out in pain for anything, most likely, she would tell me to man up and get over it.

And I never cry in front of her. Even right after my parents died. I didn’t allow myself to be emotional. I only allow myself to be emotional when I’m alone or with friends because a lot of my close friends have been thro hard stuff in their own lives so I feel more at home with them.


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Discussion Starter #77
Was your dad that way with your mom? Have you ever seen your dad cry?
I’ve never seen my dad cry. My dad was big and muscular. Physically, he looked intimidating. And im a body builder myself so I never allow myself to cry and be all soft and weak in front of a woman.


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I’ve never seen my dad cry. My dad was big and muscular. Physically, he looked intimidating. And im a body builder myself so I never allow myself to cry and be all soft and weak in front of a woman.


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Being a human makes you weak? Did you ever see your parents share tender loving moments?

Has your wife told you to “just man up”? Because if she has.... she’s a *****.
 

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I’m not closed off in general. I do open up to my close friends and vice versa. But with a woman, I have to be as perfect as possible and I don’t allow to be too comfortable and be vulnerable.
Ok this sound like the red pill, or is it blue pill stuff.

Whatever got you thinking like this, wow...

In a real romantic relationship/marriage, is should not be the way you describe or it is not a real romantic/marriage relationship...

You honestly need to reevaluate, that is unless this is not real or something.

I feel sorry for you...
 
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