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I agree that you are missing out. Let's assume that your wife married you because she loved you right. Maybe she will be a help to you and treat you with respect and honor.

Can I ask you do you ever talk to your guy friends about your marriage and wife? I mean talking to friends about your marriage husband or wife isn't necessarily disrespectful or even gossip. Sometimes it is useful to get some good perspective. My friends like my wife and would have her best interest at heart. I think that is true about my wife's friends and family. I consider them my friends too, as she does mine.
 
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Discussion Starter #42
I agree that you are missing out. Let's assume that your wife married you because she loved you right. Maybe she will be a help to you and treat you with respect and honor.

Can I ask you do you ever talk to your guy friends about your marriage and wife? I mean talking to friends about your marriage husband or wife isn't necessarily disrespectful or even gossip. Sometimes it is useful to get some good perspective. My friends like my wife and would have her best interest at heart. I think that is true about my wife's friends and family. I consider them my friends too, as she does mine.
I don’t talk to my friends about my marriage and I do not consider my wife’s friends as my friends.


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Well, I should not have insinuated that you are clueless, as that was not my intent. My apology! Only that I have had a LOT of time to evaluate relationship functions, at least within my own country. You are going to tell me when your girl friend gabs about their new man, about the 2nd fact out of her mouth is't about his JOB? I realize women will down play this, but I have literally read a relationship book by a WOMAN that this is a woman's "vetting method" to determine a man's worth, financially.

And you can literally see it play out across the globe. 70yo dude with a 20yo hotty? CASH.... Do women marry their "fitness trainer" (man *) from the gym? No? Because the job pays very little and she won't get a BMW.

This causes a LOT of stress and anxiety in men if they score a woman 2-3 points higher than them because if they fail to keep that money moving, she is gone. This is what causes men to lie and hide actual financial facts. Heard of one years ago where a successful investor committed suicide in his plane. His wife was practically a model and did not know he owed millions in taxes and lost investments.

I could go on, but I have realized my views are not taken well on a "marriage" forum. But you really have to look the thousands of posts about "problems in my marriage". That is precisely what I have done. Find the common denominators, because that is how my mind functions.
Yeah... and we could have another angry post by woman about how men go for the looks only.
 

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You claim that you have no fear of abandonment, yet your posts fairly scream that you are scared to death your wife will leave you if she gets to know the real you. So, you keep her at arm's length and maintain a surface-level marriage.

With all of the grief you are processing, you might want to check on getting counseling.
 

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Yeah... and we could have another angry post by woman about how men go for the looks only.
I agree, there are bad choices man and women. Doesn't make them all bad.
 
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I don’t talk to my friends about my marriage and I do not consider my wife’s friends as my friends.


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OK that is your choice, but then why are you posting about it here? Are you starting to reconsider? I think the general consensus both from Men and Women is that you are missing out on what could be a good thing in your life. I would also add what is the worst thing that could happen? If she is a jerk then you will find out and go right back to what you are doing now, keeping her at arms length. That might be good to know anyway. Maybe you should take the chance, you can start slow and see what happens.

You really need to get rid of this misconception that women don't have the capacity to be loyal. Now maybe you married poorly but shouldn't you find out? Was your Mom like this? Is there no woman in your life that you trust?
 

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Discussion Starter #47
OK that is your choice, but then why are you posting about it here? Are you starting to reconsider? I think the general consensus both from Men and Women is that you are missing out on what could be a good thing in your life. I would also add what is the worst thing that could happen? If she is a jerk then you will find out and go right back to what you are doing now, keeping her at arms length. That might be good to know anyway. Maybe you should take the chance, you can start slow and see what happens.

You really need to get rid of this misconception that women don't have the capacity to be loyal. Now maybe you married poorly but shouldn't you find out? Was your Mom like this? Is there no woman in your life that you trust?
My mom wasn’t like this. That’s why she was the only woman I trusted when she was alive. She was the first person I turned to. I felt safe with her. But now that she is gone, I have to man up. If my close friends are busy or something then I deal with whatever problems I have alone.


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My mom wasn’t like this. That’s why she was the only woman I trusted when she was alive. She was the first person I turned to. I felt safe with her. But now that she is gone, I have to man up. If my close friends are busy or something then I deal with whatever problems I have alone.


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Maybe your attachment to your mother was beyond healthy, since you do not trust any other woman? usually if you have a good relationship with your parent of the opposite sex, that translates into healthy relationship later in life.
 

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My mom wasn’t like this. That’s why she was the only woman I trusted when she was alive. She was the first person I turned to. I felt safe with her. But now that she is gone, I have to man up. If my close friends are busy or something then I deal with whatever problems I have alone.


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Has your wife given you reason to believe she IS like that?
 
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Why would you want to be married to anyone that you did not share everything with.

I would never ever be with someone that I could not be with completely.

I guess to each his own, but it is not for me. Never will be...
 

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You have a fear of intimacy. A wife has a right to know most of the things you're hiding. I'm not saying she necessarily needs to know all the details of, say, a spat between siblings, but what you have is, like you said, duties. It's not a close marriage.
 

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What do you tell and not tell your spouse?

Here are my own privacy rules. When or if there is drama going on in my birth family or between me and my friends, I don’t tell my wife about it because it’s none of her business. If have a family member that I have problems and conflicts with for any reason, I’ll never talk and vent to my spouse about it because it has nothing to do with her and it won’t affect her in anyways. Even if one of my family members is physically or mentally ill, i won’t bring it up to my wife because it’s private and it may not affect her anyways and she may start judging and talking trash about my family to people she knows.
And I don’t talk to her about my past such as my past mental illness, my childhood and I never showed her any pictures from my childhood. Specially baby pics of me. She doesn’t need to see that.

Basically I want to be mysterious. A lot of people who are married know too much about their spouses and they talk about their spouses personal life and childhood past to their friends and coworkers and they even post about it on the internet. I notice that women tend to do that more then men. Women love to bash their husbands and talk about their sex lives and talk about their husbands shortcomings, childhood past and personal lives.

That’s why I try to be the best lover to my wife and perform my husband duties as well as possible but i have my guards up and tell myself to shut up when I’m about to tell her something personal about myself or my family. I resist the urge to be too comfy even tho she is sometimes invasive and ask personal deep questions about myself. I give her vague explanations and change the subject. I don’t even talk to her about my bad days at work and i always tell her that i had a fantastic day even tho I didn’t and even tho I’m still going thro depression because I Lost both of my parents, when I’m around my woman, I put a smile on my face or I try to be polite as possible and perform my husband duties.

What are you privacy rules in your marriage?


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How long ya been married?

I've been with Mrs. Conan for 29 years, 25 married, and our only privacy from each other is when we have to go #2.
 

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What do you tell and not tell your spouse?

Here are my own privacy rules. When or if there is drama going on in my birth family or between me and my friends, I don’t tell my wife about it because it’s none of her business. If have a family member that I have problems and conflicts with for any reason, I’ll never talk and vent to my spouse about it because it has nothing to do with her and it won’t affect her in anyways. Even if one of my family members is physically or mentally ill, i won’t bring it up to my wife because it’s private and it may not affect her anyways and she may start judging and talking trash about my family to people she knows.
And I don’t talk to her about my past such as my past mental illness, my childhood and I never showed her any pictures from my childhood. Specially baby pics of me. She doesn’t need to see that.

Basically I want to be mysterious. A lot of people who are married know too much about their spouses and they talk about their spouses personal life and childhood past to their friends and coworkers and they even post about it on the internet. I notice that women tend to do that more then men. Women love to bash their husbands and talk about their sex lives and talk about their husbands shortcomings, childhood past and personal lives.

That’s why I try to be the best lover to my wife and perform my husband duties as well as possible but i have my guards up and tell myself to shut up when I’m about to tell her something personal about myself or my family. I resist the urge to be too comfy even tho she is sometimes invasive and ask personal deep questions about myself. I give her vague explanations and change the subject. I don’t even talk to her about my bad days at work and i always tell her that i had a fantastic day even tho I didn’t and even tho I’m still going thro depression because I Lost both of my parents, when I’m around my woman, I put a smile on my face or I try to be polite as possible and perform my husband duties.

What are you privacy rules in your marriage?


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OUr rule is everything is shared. There is no privacy. Never been a problem.
 

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What are you privacy rules in your marriage?
In my opinion one person's privacy should be established by the other. As in both people are a complete open book when it comes to the other's ability to ask questions and get answers. When and if there are certain topics that cause a conflict are need someone to be discrete, then those boundaries are put in place by the other person.

An example might be family drama/secrets/events that one person indicates they are willing to share. The other indicates that they would rather just not know about it because it creates a conflict of interest or causes problems.
 

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How do you feel about everyone on here basically having a different opinion then you about privacy and vulnerability?
 

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Discussion Starter #60
How do you feel about everyone on here basically having a different opinion then you about privacy and vulnerability?
I respect everyone’s opinion. I just gotta say that those who are willing to be vulnerable to their partners are taking huge risk.

There is a risk that your spouse may expose you, judge and criticize you.


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