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What do you tell and not tell your spouse?

Here are my own privacy rules. When or if there is drama going on in my birth family or between me and my friends, I don’t tell my wife about it because it’s none of her business. If have a family member that I have problems and conflicts with for any reason, I’ll never talk and vent to my spouse about it because it has nothing to do with her and it won’t affect her in anyways. Even if one of my family members is physically or mentally ill, i won’t bring it up to my wife because it’s private and it may not affect her anyways and she may start judging and talking trash about my family to people she knows.
And I don’t talk to her about my past such as my past mental illness, my childhood and I never showed her any pictures from my childhood. Specially baby pics of me. She doesn’t need to see that.

Basically I want to be mysterious. A lot of people who are married know too much about their spouses and they talk about their spouses personal life and childhood past to their friends and coworkers and they even post about it on the internet. I notice that women tend to do that more then men. Women love to bash their husbands and talk about their sex lives and talk about their husbands shortcomings, childhood past and personal lives.

That’s why I try to be the best lover to my wife and perform my husband duties as well as possible but i have my guards up and tell myself to shut up when I’m about to tell her something personal about myself or my family. I resist the urge to be too comfy even tho she is sometimes invasive and ask personal deep questions about myself. I give her vague explanations and change the subject. I don’t even talk to her about my bad days at work and i always tell her that i had a fantastic day even tho I didn’t and even tho I’m still going thro depression because I Lost both of my parents, when I’m around my woman, I put a smile on my face or I try to be polite as possible and perform my husband duties.

What are you privacy rules in your marriage?


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,,, she may start judging and talking trash about my family to people she knows.
Has she ever done either of these things before? If not, what makes you feel it's a possibility?

I resist the urge to be too comfy even tho she is sometimes invasive and ask personal deep questions about myself. I give her vague explanations and change the subject. I don’t even talk to her about my bad days at work and i always tell her that i had a fantastic day even tho I didn’t
You want your wife to be happy. I get that. But a facade will only get you so far. It sounds like your wife wants to get to a deeper level of knowing you. Emotional intimacy is important for women. What you've said thus far sounds like the just-suck-it-up philosophy. Again, that will only get you so far. People have problems, issues, emotional baggage. It's just life. And your wife probably wants you to share all aspects of your life with her. Even the insecurities and doubts.

I don't know if you've had your wife or other women talk behind your back in the past. I get the feeling they have, since you seem to think women sit around husband-bashing when they get together. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but I haven't experienced it much. In fact, if a woman starts really griping about her partner to me, I tune it out or suggest counseling. I'll listen to some of it and then strongly suggest the woman take her complaints directly to her husband.

People want an authentic partner. Life IS authentic. It's full of pitfalls and challenges. Showing someone only a small part of yourself and putting on an act isn't authentic.
 
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Oh I am quite sure you will get some flack on here for your position, but I for one share that mentality. I found that my ex's, and really women in general, would pry into my personal history. I had a very serious family matter once and after tons of prying by an ex, because she "wants to know everything", I reluctantly told her. She took that to her ENTIRE family within minutes!!! And once it goes to the family, it then is broadcast with bird chirping.

Women want to chat about sex life, their "man", and anything else they can find except themselves. I know this because I have sat in on plenty of women convos and I am left thinking "I don't need to know her man's personal details!"...... They think it is just normal, but I consider it a large invasion of privacy.

I receive plenty of negatives from people here, but I make it no secret that I am now locked down. I have one that still does not even know I have kids or my correct name. Once they get enough info, they will turn into a detective and scour the Inet for details. I will NOT friend then on FB, and I no longer share things like family pics, etc. If I have any medical issue, only my closest family gets that info.

Again, it is not for everyone, but I for one can appreciate what you are doing. It really sucks when you cannot trust, but I think history has painted a clear picture. Gossip is the word of the day.
 

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What do you tell and not tell your spouse?

Here are my own privacy rules. When or if there is drama going on in my birth family or between me and my friends, I don’t tell my wife about it because it’s none of her business. If have a family member that I have problems and conflicts with for any reason, I’ll never talk and vent to my spouse about it because it has nothing to do with her and it won’t affect her in anyways. Even if one of my family members is physically or mentally ill, i won’t bring it up to my wife because it’s private and it may not affect her anyways and she may start judging and talking trash about my family to people she knows.
And I don’t talk to her about my past such as my past mental illness, my childhood and I never showed her any pictures from my childhood. Specially baby pics of me. She doesn’t need to see that.

Basically I want to be mysterious. A lot of people who are married know too much about their spouses and they talk about their spouses personal life and childhood past to their friends and coworkers and they even post about it on the internet. I notice that women tend to do that more then men. Women love to bash their husbands and talk about their sex lives and talk about their husbands shortcomings, childhood past and personal lives.

That’s why I try to be the best lover to my wife and perform my husband duties as well as possible but i have my guards up and tell myself to shut up when I’m about to tell her something personal about myself or my family. I resist the urge to be too comfy even tho she is sometimes invasive and ask personal deep questions about myself. I give her vague explanations and change the subject. I don’t even talk to her about my bad days at work and i always tell her that i had a fantastic day even tho I didn’t and even tho I’m still going thro depression because I Lost both of my parents, when I’m around my woman, I put a smile on my face or I try to be polite as possible and perform my husband duties.

What are you privacy rules in your marriage?


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Yeah I would think that most people would expect to hear about their spouses extended family and not have it be a mystery, as well as their personal lives. There is much more to being a husband then working and doing stuff around the house.

Typically marriage involves emotional intimacy. It's nearly impossible to have that is you are completely closed off emotionally. Seems you have a very deep fear of being gossiped about and being poorly or unfairly judged? My question would be why? Has your wife had a history of doing this? Why would you marry someone you have so little trust in? Are you sure you are not depressed because your only outlet for this kind of stuff, which seems to be your parents are gone now?

I guess your wife is fine with it assuming she knew this when she married you. I doubt most would.

I don't really believe in Privacy in marriage for the most part. I mean maybe going to the bathroom things like that. I trust my wife not to gossip or insult me as she would only be insulting herself.

Besides I generally don't give a **** what people say about me. The people who are important know who I am and have no reason to doubt that.
 

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Yeah I would think that most people would expect to hear about their spouses extended family and not have it be a mystery, as well as their personal lives. There is much more to being a husband then working and doing stuff around the house.

Typically marriage involves emotional intimacy. It's nearly impossible to have that is you are completely closed off emotionally. Seems you have a very deep fear of being gossiped about and being poorly or unfairly judged? My question would be why? Has your wife had a history of doing this? Why would you marry someone you have so little trust in? Are you sure you are not depressed because your only outlet for this kind of stuff, which seems to be your parents are gone now?

I guess your wife is fine with it assuming she knew this when she married you. I doubt most would.

I don't really believe in Privacy in marriage for the most part. I mean maybe going to the bathroom things like that. I trust my wife not to gossip or insult me as she would only be insulting herself.

Besides I generally don't give a **** what people say about me. The people who are important know who I am and have no reason to doubt that.
My wife doesn’t have a history of doing this but I see a lot of women do that so who knows what she does behind my back.


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Has she ever done either of these things before? If not, what makes you feel it's a possibility?



You want your wife to be happy. I get that. But a facade will only get you so far. It sounds like your wife wants to get to a deeper level of knowing you. Emotional intimacy is important for women. What you've said thus far sounds like the just-suck-it-up philosophy. Again, that will only get you so far. People have problems, issues, emotional baggage. It's just life. And your wife probably wants you to share all aspects of your life with her. Even the insecurities and doubts.

I don't know if you've had your wife or other women talk behind your back in the past. I get the feeling they have, since you seem to think women sit around husband-bashing when they get together. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but I haven't experienced it much. In fact, if a woman starts really griping about her partner to me, I tune it out or suggest counseling. I'll listen to some of it and then strongly suggest the woman take her complaints directly to her husband.

People want an authentic partner. Life IS authentic. It's full of pitfalls and challenges. Showing someone only a small part of yourself and putting on an act isn't authentic.
My wife didn’t do these things (as far as I know) but who knows what she does behind my back.


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I dont hide anything from him, why should I, he is my husband and absolute best friend. He is closer to me than anyone else, and thats as it should be.
Oh and BTW I never moan and complain about my husband to others, nor do I share our personal issues with others.None of my girlfrends do that either.
It sounds as if you are either somewhat paranoid, or you can't trust your wife.
 

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We know just about everything about each other and what's going on with friends and family. We don't share negative gossip about each other with anyone else, but may say good things without providing much detail. I'm sure of that as I've overheard plenty of conversations. We have as much privacy as we want, but there is rarely a need for that.
 

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So, in the last 6 months you've lost a grandmother and both parents? Hmmm.
 

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My wife didn’t do these things (as far as I know) but who knows what she does behind my back.


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Perhaps taking a step back and observing what you are saying and your behaviour might help. You said she doesn't do these things as far as you know, but then project your fear/insecurity onto her as to make that possible behaviour a definite.

At the end of the day, if you are confident, truly confident within yourself, that stuff shouldn't matter. If you are spending so much time on making sure you craft the right 'image', you are not working on being the best (i.e. Genuine) person you can be.

I do get it. I have been where you are, and there came a time where something just 'clicked' inside, and I stopped giving a rats about what people thought about me. I put forth the best version of myself then they can choose whether to accept it or not.

Have you had a talk with your wife about it? Have you voiced your concerns that there are certain things that should remain between husband and wife?
 

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Perhaps taking a step back and observing what you are saying and your behaviour might help. You said she doesn't do these things as far as you know, but then project your fear/insecurity onto her as to make that possible behaviour a definite.

At the end of the day, if you are confident, truly confident within yourself, that stuff shouldn't matter. If you are spending so much time on making sure you craft the right 'image', you are not working on being the best (i.e. Genuine) person you can be.

I do get it. I have been where you are, and there came a time where something just 'clicked' inside, and I stopped giving a rats about what people thought about me. I put forth the best version of myself then they can choose whether to accept it or not.

Have you had a talk with your wife about it? Have you voiced your concerns that there are certain things that should remain between husband and wife?
I didn’t talk to her about those and I don’t have the courage to even talk about with my wife because she may think I’m ridiculous for that alone so won’t dare try. She may ridicule me.


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So, basically your wife has no idea who she is married to. There is something wrong with both of you to live this way.

You hide your baby pictures, your childhood, your health issues, your family, your friends from your wife... What do you share with her? Part of being married is sharing your life with someone, not hiding your life from them. If you don't talk to her because you think she will ridicule you then you either need therapy or a divorce, depending on who is at fault for that.
 

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I share everything and have no privacy from my wife really. She knows everything about me. I don't share every stupid thought with her either though. Sometimes she pisses me off and luckily I've grown up enough not to just blurt out every stupid thing that may cross my mind- and I have plenty of those.

Like, you can't just vent and complain to a women even though these emotions can be pretty strong in a man. Part of me likes a good fight you know- but I've found it pretty counterproductive to let her see that all the time.

For example, my wife says in a moment of stress "you're working too much and really need to take tomorrow off to help me get ready for...". My immediate response is frustration and I could easily blurt out "I've got a project due on Friday and that's impossible!". Or "your lack of planning is my problem". Sometimes as a man it's better to suck it up and keep your first/angry responses to yourself.

This may seem disingenuous but in my case it's protecting my wife from the "little angry and scared man" inside of me and trying to project the "confident, powerful, and in control man" that I want to be.
 

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I didn’t talk to her about those and I don’t have the courage to even talk about with my wife because she may think I’m ridiculous for that alone so won’t dare try. She may ridicule me.


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Do you have anyone in your life that you trust enough to talk about this stuff?

I mean anyone who thinks someone being sad and mourning the death of their parents and loved is "ridiculous" ones is completely unreasonable and not worth the effort. I have to say though I think most of end the biggest asshole are not going to think that is "ridiculous".

Have you had people in your life treat you like that?

As for your wife, presumably she washes your underwear right? My point is if she wants to find something to give you a hard time about she will, if she is that much of an asshole. I mean she married you right? There is a very good chance she loves you. Why would she treat you the way you assume she would?

Let me ask you this, would you do this to your wife?
 

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I share everything and have no privacy from my wife really. She knows everything about me. I don't share every stupid thought with her either though. Sometimes she pisses me off and luckily I've grown up enough not to just blurt out every stupid thing that may cross my mind- and I have plenty of those.

Like, you can't just vent and complain to a women even though these emotions can be pretty strong in a man. Part of me likes a good fight you know- but I've found it pretty counterproductive to let her see that all the time.

For example, my wife says in a moment of stress "you're working too much and really need to take tomorrow off to help me get ready for...". My immediate response is frustration and I could easily blurt out "I've got a project due on Friday and that's impossible!". Or "your lack of planning is my problem". Sometimes as a man it's better to suck it up and keep your first/angry responses to yourself.

This may seem disingenuous but in my case it's protecting my wife from the "little angry and scared man" inside of me and trying to project the "confident, powerful, and in control man" that I want to be.
I agree, but I would suspect some of our female posters would say the same thing about us husbands. Sometimes I have an internal laugh when I can see my wife holding in her frustrations (with steam coming out of her ears) when I say or do something that I think is perfectly acceptable. That's marriage right? It's hard to live with someone and be with them day in and day out, doesn't mean you don't love them and want to do that though.
 

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Do you have anyone in your life that you trust enough to talk about this stuff?

I mean anyone who thinks someone being sad and mourning the death of their parents and loved is "ridiculous" ones is completely unreasonable and not worth the effort. I have to say though I think most of end the biggest asshole are not going to think that is "ridiculous".

Have you had people in your life treat you like that?

As for your wife, presumably she washes your underwear right? My point is if she wants to find something to give you a hard time about she will, if she is that much of an asshole. I mean she married you right? There is a very good chance she loves you. Why would she treat you the way you assume she would?

Let me ask you this, would you do this to your wife?
Yes I do have friends and I do turn to my friends (just like they turn to me) and no I would never do that to my wife.


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You are making a number of assumptions about your wife. What do you seek here? Feedback? Just need to vent? Looking to change your perspective?

Because you are here for a reason. From my vantage point, it appears you have painted yourself into a corner. You'll turn to your friends to discuss emotionally-laden aspects of your life, but you dismiss doing so to your wife based on unfounded assumptions.

Maybe it's not so much that you think she'd blab to everyone on earth about your secrets, maybe it's that you are terrified of being authentic, transparent, and (most of all) vulnerable. JMO.
 
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You are making a number of assumptions about your wife. What do you seek here? Feedback? Just need to vent? Looking to change your perspective?

Because you are here for a reason. From my vantage point, it appears you have painted yourself into a corner. You'll turn to your friends to discuss emotionally-laden aspects of your life, but you dismiss doing so to your wife based on unfounded assumptions.

Maybe it's not so much that you think she'd blab to everyone on earth about your secrets, maybe it's that you are terrified of being authentic, transparent, and (most of all) vulnerable. JMO.
I’m not completely afraid to be vulnerable since I turn to my close friends.


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So why are you married exactly? Love encompasses far more than sex. Do you and your wife share interests and hobbies? Do you spend quality time together? Or are you expending your energy on maintaining the strong-silent-man role?

And I think you realize that I'm addressing you being vulnerable vis-a-vis your wife, NOT your friends. Seriously.
 
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So why are you married exactly? Love encompasses far more than sex. Do you and your wife share interests and hobbies? Do you spend quality time together? Or are you expending your energy on maintaining the strong-silent-man role?

And I think you realize that I'm addressing you being vulnerable vis-a-vis your wife, NOT your friends. Seriously.
Yes we do share some interest and a couple of hobbies and I do have convos with her but only about positive stuff.


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