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Discussion Starter #23
The thought of being in a relationship with someone who is monkey branching stresses me out. Especially if your going along and think everything is fine. Ah this thread is making me paranoid lol.
I’ve been monkey branched a few times over the years.

Most of the time I take an “if it happens, it happens” approach but otherwise live my life.

Where it had an impact is when menopause and all it’s associated issues came along, my wife took on that same cold, detached persona and cold, passionless pecks on the cheek and rigid, standoffish hugs that the monkey branchers did in the days right before their swing.

If I came home early from work, I kind of expected to find a moving truck or some other dude’s car in the driveway.

I was always waiting for the ax to come down.
 

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I haven't been monkey branched but my 2 partners of the past 10 years have been shopping around shall we say and/or cheated. Neither of them started a relationship straight away but both started dating other people pretty soon. It has always seemed weird to me to do that. Do you think it's insecurity? They just don't want to be alone? What?
 

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When I was in college, I had a conversation over lunch with a group of ladies I was friends with back then. One girl was beautiful, probably one of the prettiest, most desirable women at our school. We were talking about monkey branching even if we didn't mention it by name. According to the pretty girl, she would never leave her BF without someone else there lined up to take his spot.

From my experience, and my observations, monkey branching is just what you can expect these days. I think most people are doing it. If you find that your relationship partner has been acting different lately and doesn't seem as invested anymore, keep your eyes open. A lot of people can't help themselves from talking about their newest romantic interest, even when talking to their current relationship partner. Your partner will likely leave you for that new co-worker or new friend that popped up on social media.
 

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Along the same lines, I've seen it mentioned here that it is common for a happily married woman to have theoretical backup options, or at least some sort of game plan of who she would reach out to if a divorce occured. (Monkey branching pre-planning essentially)

Is there truth to this?
 

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There's a chicken and the egg element here. Was the relationship floundering and likely going to end, and then they found someone new and the end date moved up. Or was the relationship okay and then they found someone more appealing, and the current relationship survived until the new one was solidified? It's not always clear.

Both men and women branch swing. If there's a meme level of generalized difference, women let go of the old branch faster, while men try and hold onto both branches as long as possible.
 

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Along the same lines, I've seen it mentioned here that it is common for a happily married woman to have theoretical backup options, or at least some sort of game plan of who she would reach out to if a divorce occured. (Monkey branching pre-planning essentially)

Is there truth to this?
Yes. Her social media friends lists is where you will find her backup guys.
 

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If there's a meme level of generalized difference, women let go of the old branch faster, while men try and hold onto both branches as long as possible.
Dude, do not meme the concept of monkey branching....unless you like being called a racist. Trust me.
 

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My XW had some guy living with her 2 months after I had moved out and filed for divorce. AFAIK she met him after I moved out and filed, but I have no idea when or how they met, and don't really care.

Her M.O. was pretty much going from relationship to relationship all her life. She couldn't stand being on her own, and needed constant attention from men.

On some level, I had known my marriage was over for years before I finally ended it, but I still waited a couple months before even deciding to date again, and over a year after that before I got into a serious relationship again.
 

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Gender doesn’t matter. There are people who do not like to be alone. So if they are unhappy in their relationship but don’t want to be alone, they meet other potential people behind their partners back and when it’s safe to leave (a guaranteed next partner), they do.

Some people are black and white, they are happy or unhappy in a relationship. A lot of people are gray. Things could be better, they could be worse, I can make a life with this person if I HAVE to and no one better comes alone. That type of thing.
That's certainly food for thought. I've never understood people who can't be alone for even 24 hours. I certainly know they exist because I have friends that way.

An old high school friend who I later dumped for being disloyal did a lot of monkey branching. She was always on the lookout. I mean I can't blame her for looking for a replacement for the couple of her boyfriends that I knew of, but I didn't understand why anyone would stay if they weren't really into the relationship.

Someone monkey branched to me in a big way and it's one of my only regrets. He caught me at a time in my life when I was depressed from a bad breakup, we were friends and he had always been married and I thought happily. I was overwhelmed because I was working and at that time just trying to take a couple of night classes and mainly because I was really emotionally spent.

So he shows up telling me he wants to be with me and that his wife has moved out. Now that may not sound like monkey branching, but it was because he literally could not face the thought of having to be single and alone for 24 hours. I was very Frank with him and I knew he was attracted to and interested in a couple of other girls, one of whom is still a friend of mine. the other was someone who had been after him ruthlessly even though he was married and lived in another state but was a client of his.

But he just wore me down talking me into being with him and trying it, and I actually told him over and over that I wanted him to date other people first and did not want to be who he ran to during his divorce. So I was trying to resist despite him making me feel guilty because he considered me his best friend although I did not consider him my best friend. And then my apartment blew up from a gas explosion in another apartment and I was left hanging with nowhere to go. And that just kind of necessitated leaning on him in that moment and stayed over at his place having nowhere else to go.

But he definitely was a monkey brancher and he monkey branched from me to the one that was after him that was out of state and married her. I wasn't even caring at the time because I wasn't comfortable with the whole situation anyway but looking back I'm pretty sure he was probably seeing her while he was seeing me which is the main thing I'm mad at him about. He knew I was reluctant so he should have at least done the decent thing. But I did later learn that she was in town for a week as well from one of his bandmates but I learned that decades later.

I wish I'd known it then because I would have just told him go away. Because I did eventually get an apartment, a crummy one after making arrangements with the landlord of the gas explosion building. Anyway the boyfriend wanted me to get one and live together and I told him no and so he moved in next door to me just about four apartments down in this crummy building.

it's weird because I had known him and worked with him and been friends for 3 years and I never knew that about him, that he couldn't be alone at all. I still don't get that.

My best friend is also a monkey brancher though she's been married a long time now. But she monkey branched from her first marriage into her second aggressively in a long distance situation and she is who made all the moves which she now regrets. But she can't stand to be alone. A few years ago I asked her now that she had children did she think she could not have a man around. I don't think she herself knew.
 

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Discussion Starter #34
Both men and women branch swing. If there's a meme level of generalized difference, women let go of the old branch faster, while men try and hold onto both branches as long as possible.
I believe this is generally true.

Both men and women can move very fast from one relationship to a next but I think they each have a little different instinctive strategy.

I think men’s basic hardwiring leans towards polygamy where they will basically try to add another woman into the mix and won’t ditch the previous woman(s) unless they somehow have to. Men can spin plates for years if they are able.

Women’s basic strategy leans more towards hypergamy where they will go with the best they can and discard the previous.

If she secures a bigger, better deal, she’ll dump the previous relationship cold.
 

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Discussion Starter #35
I think men’s basic hardwiring leans towards polygamy where they will basically try to add another woman into the mix and won’t ditch the previous woman(s) unless they somehow have to. Men can spin plates for years if they are able.

Women’s basic strategy leans more towards hypergamy where they will go with the best they can and discard the previous.

If she secures a bigger, better deal, she’ll dump the previous relationship cold.
Each gender’s strategy is influenced by the other gender’s strategy as well.

Case in point, a man of high status and high desirability is able to spin plates because many women would prefer to share a very high status man than have an Average Joe of their own.

Thus, men’s strategy is supported by women’s strategy because women will knowingly share a high status male ( they may bytch and moan and get catty in attempt to undermine the other women to try to get him to commit to her alone, but will be a plate in the mean time)

Likewise women’s strategy of going for the bigger, better deal is influenced by the fact that a high-status man won’t accept a woman involved with other dudes even if he himself is spinning plates. In order to get with the high-status male, she has to cut ties with the lower status male.

So in a way, women have other women to blame for men spinning plates because it’s women that allow them to do so.

Likewise in a way men have other men to blame for monkey branching away for them or for not being able to get any women at all because the higher status men will spin plates and have harems but won’t let their women get with other dudes.

Hate the game not the player. It’s how we’re all wired.
 

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We encourage monkey branching in so many other facets of life. Don't quit your job until you have another one lined up! Don't move out until you have a new place arranged! It's the sensible and responsible thing to do, to have overlap to avoid that in-between stage where you don't know how you're going to meet your needs.

And then we're surprised when people do it in relationships?

Of course the honourable thing to do is to leave one relationship before even beginning the work of finding a new one. But a lot of people coast along in an 'adequate' relationship, or even a 'bad' one, because they still prefer it to being single, for many and various reasons. Obviously, it's a pretty selfish thing to do to a partner, especially if you continue to profess to love them madly. That kind of selfish people are probably personality types who are very receptive to affairs.

And when that sort of person finds a new relationship, having secretly sought it out, or by randomly stumbling across it, they selfishly don't want to end the first one until they are confident #2 is ready. Or they find they like having both, and prefer to maintain that as long as possible. Then if either one fails, the other is still there for them. They feel safer, even as they are setting up their spouse for the worst emotional pain imaginable.
 
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