[janiliya]

What are supposed to be qualities of a good husband? I had the below list:

1. Intelligent -- Most important according to me.
2. Kind and caring.
3. Ambitious.
4. Respectful towards people.
5. Honest and sincere.
6. Financially independent and capable of taking care of the family.
7. Equally qualified education wise.
8. Should not be addicted to any vices.
9. Loving.

Am I asking for too much? Or is it normal to expect these?

My husband is none of the above and I have a feeling that I will never be happy with him ever Should I leave my husband because he is nothing like I wanted or should I just accept that my dreams have no place in real world and live a life of compromise?
I am very unhappy and confused and at times guilty that may be I am being too unrealistic. Please let me know your thoughts.

 

[ScarletBegonias]

I don't think you're being unreasonable.But why would you marry the person if they didn't possess these things?

It's hard to ask for a generalized list of what makes a good husband.Every one has different needs.As an example,I'd never put anything about being financially independent on my list or anything about education.As long as he can keep up with witty banter and has common sense I'm good As long as he has a job and tries to contribute(not necessarily financial contribution either) then I'm good

Which of these does your husband lack?

 

[waiwera]

Yes why did you marry him if he ticked NONE of your boxes?
Does he know? Poor guy.

If your deeply unhappy and know you will never BE happy with him...well there aren't many options.

Is there any spark for him?
When you look at him what feeling/emotion comes up?

 

[Rags]

Is it just me, or all those traits beta-ish ones? (possibly apart from the financial one.)

Is it a possibility (warning: pop-psych alert!) that those are what you want IN the marriage, but aren't what attract you in the first place? Is it the more alpha-traits that he has that you wanted, until you got him?

Just a thought.

 

[Holland]

Is your list something you have drawn up after marriage or was this your list before marrying him?

I think your list is perfectly reasonable and there are plenty of men that fit the bill.
My ex had all but #9 and this is what killed us. He is a loving person but he struggled to express it the way I needed.

My SO has all the qualities you have listed but he also has one of the most important attributes IMO, a wicked sense of humour.

OP I have no clue what to say to you but you do need to do some serious thinking about your future.
What are the qualities about him that you do like?

 

[Coffee Amore]

Brag alert...

My husband has all these traits and many more that I like. I think your list is perfectly reasonable. There are many men out there who have those qualities. I guess I too wonder why you married your husband if he doesn't have those qualities. Perhaps you didn't realize that's what you wanted when you got married. Or did he have those qualities at one point and now he's changed?

I wish could have a good discussion about what a good husband is without someone bringing up the whole alpha/beta aspect. Who cares if these are "beta" traits? I don't think they're beta. These are the very same qualities I wanted in a husband. If a man has these traits, is confident in himself, and knows his way around the bedroom, I'm going to be a happy woman. :rofl:

 

[ShawnD]

What are supposed to be qualities of a good husband? I had the below list:

If you start with a good brain, you can drug it or whip it to act any way you want.

1. Intelligent -- Most important according to me.

This one is important. It's difficult to make a person smarter by drugging them. There ain't no drug out there that can make a dog understand math.

2. Kind and caring.

Not important because these can be induced using a strong serotonin drug like MDMA.

3. Ambitious.

Not important. Can be induced with a strong dopamine drug.

4. Respectful towards people.

Can be drug induced.

5. Honest and sincere.

Drugs.

6. Financially independent and capable of taking care of the family.

This one can't be drugged. Being not-retarded with money is very important.

7. Equally qualified education wise.

Not important. Doctors are some of the dumbest people I have ever met.

8. Should not be addicted to any vices.

Most can be drugged away. Example: naltrexone to treat alcohol addiction.

9. Loving.

Can be induced with drugs.


Not being retarded is probably the only requirement I have. With a brain, almost any problem can be solved. Without a brain, nothing is ever fixed.

 

[Emerald]

What are supposed to be qualities of a good husband? I had the below list:

1. Intelligent -- Most important according to me.
2. Kind and caring.
3. Ambitious.
4. Respectful towards people.
5. Honest and sincere.
6. Financially independent and capable of taking care of the family.
7. Equally qualified education wise.
8. Should not be addicted to any vices.
9. Loving.

Am I asking for too much? Or is it normal to expect these?

My husband is none of the above and I have a feeling that I will never be happy with him ever Should I leave my husband because he is nothing like I wanted or should I just accept that my dreams have no place in real world and live a life of compromise?
I am very unhappy and confused and at times guilty that may be I am being too unrealistic. Please let me know your thoughts.

What is your husband's addiction?

I'm curious why you married him & how long you have been married?

 

[bobsmith]

WOW, I don't see good looking in any of that....

So....shall we add the list for the wife's expectations??? I don't think gaining weight is on the list..

 

[Pollon]

Looks like a reasonable list. I would just add committed.

I would also ask why you married him.

 

[the liberal one]

What are supposed to be qualities of a good husband? I had the below list:

1. Intelligent -- Most important according to me.

what kind of intelligence? IQ,EQ? or a level of being street smart or even empathy who know what and how you feel?

2. Kind and caring.

understandable and also compulsory

3. Ambitious.

this is reasonable women will always fall for confident and ambitious man (that how my w attracted to me in the first place

4. Respectful towards people.

yup respect is important aspect of a good husband

5. Honest and sincere.

obviously or else he will cheat over and over again (or some one just being passive-aggressive and not showing his feelings)

6. Financially independent and capable of taking care of the family.

Financially independent is a big tick but what do you mean by taking care of family? your or his family or even "both"?

7. Equally qualified education wise.

well, that depends do you had a good job or not on the basis of your education, got a bachelor/masters (wait 2 masters dunno why i get another one)

8. Should not be addicted to any vices.

what is your definition of vices

9. Loving.

this is also important since women tend to starve emotionally

Am I asking for too much? Or is it normal to expect these?

My husband is none of the above and I have a feeling that I will never be happy with him ever Should I leave my husband because he is nothing like I wanted or should I just accept that my dreams have no place in real world and live a life of compromise?
I am very unhappy and confused and at times guilty that may be I am being too unrealistic. Please let me know your thoughts.

are you saying your H is SH*T? it seems you are not satisfy with your marriage......

 

[Too Blue]

1. Honor
2. Integrity

All the rest is icing on the cake.

 

[Rags]

I wish could have a good discussion about what a good husband is without someone bringing up the whole alpha/beta aspect. Who cares if these are "beta" traits? I don't think they're beta. These are the very same qualities I wanted in a husband. If a man has these traits, is confident in himself, and knows his way around the bedroom, I'm going to be a happy woman. :rofl:

Hey, I'm not saying they're bad. I think they're excellent qualities, and I like to theink I have most, if not all, of them myself.

My point was that whilst this are traits one would want in a husband, some women don't appreciate these when they consider attraction. Some women seem to be attracted to different (call them macho/alpha/bad boy/whatever - I don't care) traits that whilst they may find them hot, don't actually make good husband material.

As a 'nice guy' I find the whole attraction to 'bad boys' deeply annoying, and so I have limited sympathy with women who keep going for them. Luckily, my wife finds it annoying too

(and the reason I suspect you can't have a good discussion about it without someone bringing them up is, there's possibly some truth in it ... maybe ... it's a theory that seems to fit the evidence, anyway.)

 

[janiliya]

What are supposed to be qualities of a good husband? I had the below list:

1. Intelligent -- Most important according to me.
2. Kind and caring.
3. Ambitious.
4. Respectful towards people.
5. Honest and sincere.
6. Financially independent and capable of taking care of the family.
7. Equally qualified education wise.
8. Should not be addicted to any vices.
9. Loving.

Am I asking for too much? Or is it normal to expect these?

My husband is none of the above and I have a feeling that I will never be happy with him ever Should I leave my husband because he is nothing like I wanted or should I just accept that my dreams have no place in real world and live a life of compromise?
I am very unhappy and confused and at times guilty that may be I am being too unrealistic. Please let me know your thoughts.

I had an arranged marriage with him and based on the interactions and meetings with him I believed he was a little of everything. I knew he was not perfect but thought we could work out with a few over time - like being financially independent and taking care of our family. However it turned out that my husband was none of the above nor was willing to help/change the situation for better.
We have been married for about a year and few months but have lived together for only about 4 months due to various reasons - job and health.
We have been separated for about 5 months now and I cannot decide what I want next.

 

[janiliya]

are you saying your H is SH*T? it seems you are not satisfy with your marriage......

I do definitely believe now that husband is SH*T.
I want him to be financially independent/self sufficient and take care of him, me and the family we will have incase we stay together in the future.

 

[janiliya]

Looks like a reasonable list. I would just add committed.

I would also ask why you married him.

At the time of marriage, I believed he had these qualities and may be just needed some time to hone some of them. But now I realise that he is simply adamant and unwilling to make changes. He still wants the freedom that he had during his bachelor days and is unwilling to give me any time of his nor is he willing to share his finances. He treats me like a maid where I only have to cook/clean for him, pay all my bills and pitch in with his bills while he just watches TV and ignores me royally. I have learnt about even all happy events in his life from outsiders/his family.

I feel worthless. I was this ambitious, go-getter, gritty person. I still have a very good and envious job and is placed better than him on both education and career front. Suddenly all I care about is this marriage and how much of a loser I am that I can neither decide to end it nor make this work and stay in it.

 

[janiliya]

Yes why did you marry him if he ticked NONE of your boxes?
Does he know? Poor guy.

If your deeply unhappy and know you will never BE happy with him...well there aren't many options.

Is there any spark for him?
When you look at him what feeling/emotion comes up?

He knows and there is no spark. Nothing I can remember. We have been separated for 5 months and are not on speaking terms with each other ever since.

 

[Coffee Amore]

I had an arranged marriage with him and based on the interactions and meetings with him I believed he was a little of everything. I knew he was not perfect but thought we could work out with a few over time - like being financially independent and taking care of our family. However it turned out that my husband was none of the above nor was willing to help/change the situation for better.
We have been married for about a year and few months but have lived together for only about 4 months due to various reasons - job and health.
We have been separated for about 5 months now and I cannot decide what I want next.

janiliya - You are young, you don't have children with him who would tie you to him for the rest of your life, you're well educated and doing well in your career, so why stay with him? I'm normally very pro-marriage, but in the case of an arranged marriage gone bad like yours where he didn't have these qualities from the beginning and is unwilling to change, I think it's better to cut your losses early and move on.

 

[SimplyAmorous]

janiliya said: He still wants the freedom that he had during his bachelor days and is unwilling to give me any time of his nor is he willing to share his finances. He treats me like a maid where I only have to cook/clean for him, pay all my bills and pitch in with his bills while he just watches TV and ignores me royally. I have learnt about even all happy events in his life from outsiders/his family.

I see you said this was an Arranged marriage....sounds he was not ready to give up his philandering Playboy ways and as it always goes with such men....he is sourly lacking GOOD BETA traits....

Good Beta traits here >>

The Beta Traits are those associated with the strengths of being a nice guy / “family man”. Kindness, being a good listener, the ability to help with the children, dependability, thoughtfulness, compassion and patience. These all create a sense of comfort and safety for the woman, and relax her because she feels that if she became pregnant, the Beta Trait male isn’t going to abandon her and the baby.

Rags said: Hey, I'm not saying they're bad. I think they're excellent qualities, and I like to theink I have most, if not all, of them myself.

My point was that whilst this are traits one would want in a husband, some women don't appreciate these when they consider attraction. Some women seem to be attracted to different (call them macho/alpha/bad boy/whatever - I don't care) traits that whilst they may find them hot, don't actually make good husband material.

As a 'nice guy' I find the whole attraction to 'bad boys' deeply annoying, and so I have limited sympathy with women who keep going for them. Luckily, my wife finds it annoying too.

I'm with your wife Rags !

 

[Coffee Amore]

Hey, I'm not saying they're bad. I think they're excellent qualities, and I like to theink I have most, if not all, of them myself.

My point was that whilst this are traits one would want in a husband, some women don't appreciate these when they consider attraction. Some women seem to be attracted to different (call them macho/alpha/bad boy/whatever - I don't care) traits that whilst they may find them hot, don't actually make good husband material.

As a 'nice guy' I find the whole attraction to 'bad boys' deeply annoying, and so I have limited sympathy with women who keep going for them. Luckily, my wife finds it annoying too

(and the reason I suspect you can't have a good discussion about it without someone bringing them up is, there's possibly some truth in it ... maybe ... it's a theory that seems to fit the evidence, anyway.)

Ok, thanks for clarifying.
It gets annoying when certain posters on this site demonize wonderful traits as "beta". Beta carries such a negative connotation on this board and elsewhere.
I don't find "bad boys" attractive either. My first boyfriend was a so-called bad boy and I don't ever want that in my life again.