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Discussion Starter #1
My wife of 7 years left me on November 10th over an email she mistook as me trying to have an affair. This was the furthest thing from my mind. I believe she knows this now, however we haven't communicated since Monday the 26th. She asked me for time and to give her space, which I've complied. I've sent her 2 emails since.

This one this morning / last night:

I miss us, I miss you. I miss the happiness, and intimacy we share when we are together. I feel like everything is slipping away and I don't know how to fix it without you. This isn't about me, it's about us and I regret loosing sight of that.

I know if we put just the smallest amount of effort back in to us and our marriage everything would be fine. I know we would be happy again and working towards our goals and realizing our dreams again. This might be difficult for you to realize, however I'm sincerely sorry for neglecting you. If I had only been cognizant at the time of how badly you were hurting I would have never allowed this to happen. I would have never allowed things to get so out of control.

I've given you space, as you asked, however every day this goes on it becomes worse and more of a struggle for me. I've made an appt. on Friday to see a therapist to help me sort myself out, however I need you and your love more than anything. I need you to believe in us.

The only thing I'm absolutely certain about is that I love you and I want this to stop. I want to put my arms around you and hold you tight. I don't want to waste anymore time. I want to give you the safety and comfort that you deserve and desire. I want us to be true to each other and open and honest again. We can be happy and working towards our future, there is no need to continue this any longer. I want us to solve this.

I don't know what is stopping you from seeing this, however whatever it is we can get past it and work through it together. I'm here for you and to make our marriage better and stronger.

And this one the day after the 26th:

I've thought long and hard about everything you said. I appreciate you willing to be courageous enough to tell me how you really feel, I know our conversation probably was just the tip of the iceberg, however it's a start in the right direction and I am thankful for that.

It was really difficult and painful for me to hear you tell me how much i changed and lost my direction as well as how my behaviors had caused you so much pain. I needed to hear it though, and I'm appreciative that you were finally able to share your feelings with me again. I never wanted to hurt you and I hope you know that I'm sorry I didn't do it intentionally. You are the one person that I NEVER wanted to hurt or cause pain and suffering. I cherish and love you so deeply and I'm sorry I let you down.

Your love and our marriage is priceless to me. Nothing can replace the safety, peace, comfort and contentment I derive from it. It's where I find my strength and happiness.

There is nothing in the world or any other for that matter worth losing that over. I will do everything within my power to be the person you deserve. I will show you through my actions that I still and always will be the wonderful man you fell in love with and can always count on.

I can carry on and on however I won't since I'm feeling miserable from seeing the dentist tonight and I'm still not sure if you are even ready for me to share some of these things with you.

Please just know that I miss you incredibly and I've been extremely lonely without you. I haven't slept comfortably since you left. There is an emptiness in everything since you've been gone.

In return I've received only this:

Hello,

Hope you are well!

FYI.....

The bill was due on nov 28...I made an arrangement to pay by Dec 20th. We should split it in half. I ll pay my share on the 15th and you could pay yours whenever.


Thanks

Sent from my iPhone

What am I doing wrong? I have not been able to eat, sleep, focus, I wake up so riddled with anxiety that I am physically ill.

There never has been infidelity on either of our parts. Her best friend and my Mother In Law talk to me on a regular basis. She is living with my Mother In Law.

How do I repair / reconcile my marriage if she is not willing to communicate? We were extremely close and always did everything together. Everything wasn't perfect however divorce / seperation were the furthest from my mind and worries. I feel like a piece of me is dying and I can do nothing to save it.
 

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Everyone is going to say start the 180 ASAP.

I just wish my husband could find the courage to express himself to me as you did in the letter. I think it helps to write out your feeling, I started a journal once my husband left.
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1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
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well, it sounds like you have the heartbreak down. the rest... not so much.

had you guys been having problems for a while? how long were you married? are either or both of you in therapy? were you in couples therapy?

you're saying she mistook something and you let it go and didn't reach out to her for two weeks? in neither of your emails to her you don't mention the misunderstanding. something is odd here.

both she and you agree that you've got a lot to work on. what are those problems and what have you done to address that in the past month?
 

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I'll start by saying I stopped early on.

1. Be careful she wasn't unhappy before, and using this as an oppurtunity.

2. I think that the deal is, you need to take this time to self reflect on you, and your marriage and her. Look at every angle to find things, clues to help you figure out what could've sprung a leak in the pool of love.

3. NEVER rule out Infidelity unless you've double checked! EA or emotional affairs can be easily hidden. Games, Emails, Facebook, etc.

I dont' know what else to tell you except get to studying on these forums! I had 3 phone calls since starting this reply so I'll just end it here.

Good luck and get to reading! May wanna pick up a few books as well.

Divorce Remedy is my fav. so far. Then The 5 love languages, then His needs Her needs.

Edited* Yeah these guys got it going for ya. I spent too much time on the phone haha. sorry.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Thank you lee. Orpheus about 4 years ago I was injured in an auto accident. The last 18 months or so I became addicted to the very pain medication that was supposed to be helping me. I was oblivious to it until about 4 months ago. Once I realized the destruction and havoc I was causing I quit immediately. She had a lot of anger and resentment built up over this. I neglected not only her but everything else as well during that time. My friends and spouse tried to tell me in the beginning however I was to deep in the forest to see the trees figuratively speaking. Needless to say after loosing three 6 figure jobs within a years period I realized what was happening and got help on my own. We have been married for 7 years. She refuses therapy. I've made an appointment to see someone this Friday. I reached out many times after she left, however it was not until the 26th of last month that we finally communicated about the subject in any depth. I really had know idea how much anger and resentment she had. She also claims she has lost respect for me and no longer trusts me since I was the sole breadwinner and she feels I destroyed our stability, lost our home and one car. We also had to borrow about 40K from relatives during this time to survive.
 

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B, our stories aren't dissimilar. for that matter, you fall into the greater norm here. it's not a competition so don't worry :). what was your drug of choice?

i start by saying you need to go through the links in my sig. agree or don't but it's sort of required reading for the heartbroken. the 180 is helpful for you as you've already had your separation struggle and gotten your message across and likely put your foot in it a couple of times.

it looks like you're getting on board with the idea that you were complicit in the destruction of your marriage. step one is to figure out who you used to be and how much of that you want back. get that going. when those gears are in the works, revisit all the crappy things she did that you're currently letting her off the hook about. as a few weeks go by, you'll get stronger. stronger and healthier = sexier. your best chance with your wife is getting your act together.

(full disclosure: bike accident 2 years ago. xwife lost faith in me etc. recently filed bankruptcy. i told her i wanted a divorce while recovering from elective surgery and on a long binge of pain meds. so i get it.)
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Orpheus wrecked race car, fell through floor at bed and breakfast, and then finally four years ago rear ended by a Suburban going 70 while I was at a dead stop. I was on Fentanyl and Roxicodone. I abused the Roxicodone I would get 180 a month and I'd spend 3-4k a month buying more until I learned you could smoke the Fentanyl at one point I was on 200MCG every 48 hours, however I would smoke 30 patches in about 10 days, that's when I finally realized WTF I was doing. The whole time I thought not even she knew my dirty little secret. So pathetic what I did. It did not really affect anything until one day while high as a kite I told the CEO to go eff himself because he sent a subordinate to my office to write me up over coming in 15 minutes late to a meeting. That was April 29th, 2011 I believe. That was the beginning of the end.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
The last things I remember were being happy then everything kind of goes cloudy for me. She lived through the pain, neglect and the destruction yet now that I'm better all I remember was being happy. It's kind of like going to sleep and then waking up and seeing a hurricane destroyed everything outside while you were sound asleep; oblivious to what is going on. I was not mentally there when I did this. I did not do it intentionally, however she blames me as though I did.
 

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Everyone is going to say start the 180 ASAP.

I just wish my husband could find the courage to express himself to me as you did in the letter. I think it helps to write out your feeling, I started a journal once my husband left.
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:iagree:
 

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sometimes they just tap out. and in her defense it sounds like you weren't really there for a good long time. sounds like she hung around a lot longer than most. probably doesn't make you feel any better. ahhhhhh, rock bottom. taste the sediment. if only we were all catfish. i could be king.

i was rocking 8x50/150 hydrocodone(vicodin) after having my tonsils yanked out for 10 days. my wife was in finals at law school and acting a bit like a sh!t when "in a haze" (sound familiar?) i told her i couldn't do this any more on her graduation day. i beat myself up about that for ... oh, maybe 90 days of hell? ...before i started to look around at her pulling out of the relationship 18 months prior. about the time of my bike accident.

i screwed up. wished i'd done things differently. apologized. six ways til sunday. she hit the ground running and that was it for me.

i can't tell you much to make you feel better but i can help you fix the hole your in. in the meantime, there are some pretty stunning catfish around here. have a gander.
 

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180 and " Let her go " !

Good luck and REMEMBER - NO CONTACT no matter what !

If you wanna say something to her , write it here NOT to her !

I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.
 

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So what was said in that email that she mistook for you trying to start an affair?
 

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Discussion Starter #17
EleGirl

The email went somethimg like Hey Sweetheart what's going on? I created the profile online, if you want to meet for a drink later let me know. I know you'll make it worth my while.

This email was directed to an account executive I've known for years. She wanted me to create an account profile with Wells Fargo so they could pay me overrides on there products sold through me. Drink meant Starbucks which was in the Subject line....After reading it later, I saw how that could have been misinterputed and taken out of context especially since I discovered after she left through the phone bill that she did this at 4:00am while I was sleeping.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Big Mac, you are absolutely right. This was the catalyst that set the wheels in motion, however I believe we would have been alright over time. She really needed for me to prove that I could get our lives back on track and this was her way to be angry and have an excuse to take the easy way out. I think even to this day she still is hoping I can repair things and prove that I'm still the same person, which I am and have been doing, however it took a long time for her to even listen to the reality of the situation. It's always easier to be angry. We were very close and very much in love, yes we were having some issues however infidelity is one thing both of us would consider unforgivable.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
In other words until her email discovery we were still happy, had an active sex life, and would pretty much do anything to make the other happy.
 
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