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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi everyone, hope all is well, I have been with my wife for 9-years now we have 2-kids, everyday is a struggle but we get by.

We both work and with the kids we have some pretty busy days.

My question for you guys is I am trying my hardest to make my wife happy; I do things that most men would even think of, laundry, food shopping, what ever it may be. I do these things just to help out. I will send her an email just to let her know how special she is to me and how much of a wonderful person and mom she is. I will here a song that reminds me of her and I will send it to her. I will try to set up a romantic night for just her and me.

now I have been doing this on a everyday basic, nomatter how busy my day is at work I always try to find the time to just maybe send an email or call and leave her a massage letting her know I was thinking about her. Ok so here is the problem, my emails I send or calls I make I get no acknolgement of them. I try to do a romantic night and it never works out, either she is not in the mood or she has other thing she needs to do. I talk to her about how I feel and what I can do to make things better and I get no where, she tells me that I am a great guy and she appreciates me and so on. When I ask about how come she can’t email back or call and leave me a message and I get because I was really busy. Witch I understand because our days can get crazy.

But the only time I get any kind of thank you or anything like that is when I tell her how I am feeling, the it is back to nothing again, it is almost like I am not there until I say something. I try to do all those nice things in hope of some kind of reaction from her but still have not seen any.

What should I do? Am I doing something wrong? Should I be doing more or less of something? I am lost and can use any help.

Thank guys, have a great day
 

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You aren't doing anything wrong.

Sadly, I can relate to your description of events all too well.

I don't have an answer - but I do have advice ...

Tell her that you want to reconnect.
Ask her if she believes that you have 'balance' in your relationship.
Tell her that you occasionally want to be the reason that she smiles.
Kiss her cheek and whisper "I love you." every morning.
Tell her that you are proud of her efforts with the children and your home.
Send her flowers for absolutely no reason - with no expectations attached.
Set up a babysitter and take her to dinner.
Ask her to express what is 'good' about your marriage.
Ask her to attend marriage counseling - not because you feel that the relationship is in crisis, but that you want to stabilize your foundation.
Love her. Unconditionally. Completely.

Do these things for the next five years. Over that period, you will come to realize that despite your sparkling resume for relationship management, and boundless capacity to express love - that you simply cannot give all of those things, with no reciprocation, validation, or emotional support in return.

You will wake up one day and realize there is no point in doing any of those things. You stop. As a result of the change in your behavior, she will want to know 'what's wrong?'. That grotesque irony will be completely lost on her. You become bitter, frustrated, angry. You now have her attention - which was all you ever wanted in the first place, and it's too late. You're done.

So here is what you can do, print this post and give it to her. If she rolls her eyes and dismisses it, I have just saved you five years.

Oh, and welcome to the forums! :D
 

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If you are doing nice things so she will do the same is it really doing them just to be nice?

Also to consider it seems she isn't good at communicating her feelings towards you. Talk to her more often and get her to say what she feel deep down, you might just realize that she was thankful all along.

draconis
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thank you guys for the help, first off let me start by saying everything I do I do because I truly love her, and everything I say I say because I mean it from my heart.
It would just be nice to get some kind of feeling back from her. Deejo, I have done a lot of those great ideas, money is always tight with us so I try to do those things with out having to spend a lot of money. For example, last weekend on my way home I stopped at this field near my house and picked her flowers, when I got home she was not there so I put them in a vase and left her a little note saying “just a little something that is almost as beautiful as you” well she got home and nothing, well I shouldn’t say that I got, “oh by the way thanks for the flowers” now in a way I was expecting something a little more sincere but at lease it was something. right? Again we don’t have that much money so I will try to set a nice dinner up out side by our fire pit, l light a fire and set a table up for 2 and try to cook dinner, and it just never works out, I think the last time I tried that (about 2-weeks ago) she decided to go out and get the kids some movies to watch. Now she saw me doing all this and she new I wanted some alone time with her and I had planed to but the kids to bed early but I guess she didn’t want to spend some time. I asked her about it and in a way she gets mad at me, like I was doing something wrong. So I am not sure what to do anymore.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
draconis

i agree 100% but i can't pull her feeling out of her, i try to talk to her but always end up with nothing is wrong.
 

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I got that when I was first with my wife. I learned over time to communicate 1000 ways from every angle and finally found the needle in the haystack to communicate with her at a higher level. All I can say is try to read everything about communicating that you can, some book out there might have the one thing that can help you. Once true communication happens any relationship get ten times better. It took a lot from me, to learn too.

draconis
 

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I asked her about it and in a way she gets mad at me, like I was doing something wrong. So I am not sure what to do anymore.
quote]I think I can say this over and over again, what you and your SO lack is communication and that needs to be overcome first.

draconis [/quote]

Draconis is right on the mark. Particularly about the 1000 ways to communicate - and I'd bet 995 of them are non-verbal.

You can't make someone talk to you. But you can make them want to talk to you.

My suggestion is that your behavior is having the exact opposite effect you hope for, or expect. By being kind, considerate, understanding, complimentary and loving - you are actually pushing her away. Stop it. Completely. Be a selfish son-of-a-*****. She is not behaving in a manner that you desire, and she has your undivided attention. When you start behaving in a manner she isn't familiar with, she is likely to engage you. It may not be a positive and loving engagement, but it sets the stage where the two of you are left with no options but to deal, or not deal with one another. I am not saying this is ideal, hell I'm not even saying it's right ... but in my case, it worked. Sadly, I spent too much of myself in the process.
 

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I'm reading all this and am trying to grasp what is going on? You sound like what any woman would want. Not to be negative, but is there a possibility she is seeing or thinking of someone else? Trying to push you away? Or is there something from your past that has happened that she hasn't completely gotten over or forgiven you for? Sorry for going in this direction, but I had something similar and knew I have made mistakes that she never has gotten over in my situation.:(
 

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Mate, I feel for you, I really do. While not as extreme, my wife and I have had sort of a similar disparity when showing our love to each other from almost the day we got engaged. I try and do at least one thing every day to show her how much I love, respect, and appreciate her and I'm constantly telling her how much I love her and how attractive I find her. Much of the time, I don't get any obvious feedback from her (though she's never not replied to an "I love you" in kind unless she was REALLY pissed at me.) My wife is simply uncomfortable showing much affection in general, but especially so when our two young kids are around (which is 99% of the time.) But that doesn't mean she loves me any less. And like I said, she is highly dedicated to the kids and sees them as her highest priority while they are so young. I admittedly am jealous of my two boys, but have no problem with that.

That's not to say that it can't be very depressing and lonely feeling like you are the only one trying to create any passion and romance in the marriage even when you know your spouse loves you. Sounds like Draconis wonders if you were doing these things just try and get your wife to respond in kind, but I happen to know exactly what you mean. You absolutely do these things for her and not for yourself, because you love her. You want to do all these romantic things because you want to show her how much you appreciate her. You think, "I know I'd love it if my wife wakes me up in the morning with a deep kiss and whispers 'I love you' in my ear." Because you know how much you'd love it, you do the same thing, because you want her to feel that special love that you know you'd feel. It is 100% about showing her your love. But after you keep doing things like that over and over, and she doesn't respond in kind, you can't help but to start to wonder why she doesn't get it, why she can't see that if you do these things for her you'd obviously like her to do the same things in return. Basically it's like your spouse went ahead and changed her priorities after the dating portion of your relationship, while you never got past that original thrill and excitement of being with her. It's a hard place to be, I felt that way for years, and still do here and there.

But what slowly made things easier for me is two things. First, I started to recognize and appreciate the signs of her showing me her love in different ways that I wasn't really thinking of. If my hands were busy feeding the baby, she'd cut and feed me my dinner without even thinking about it. She never wants me going to the store late at night because she worries. If I'm tired after work she tells me to go lay down and take a nap, even if she has had a really long day as well and knows she's going to be taking care of two demanding boys alone for an hour or two. Granted, not the same as "I love you" notes in the morning and passionate kisses at night, but still they are her ways of showing how important I am to her. So taking note of those things and trying hard to recognize and appreciate them, made it much easier to not feel that pang of rejection that would always grow after the lack of responses continued.

Second, I had to completely shift how I talked to her about my needs. I'd bottle it all up inside and every six months to a year or so, really let it all out and complain and act depressed and tell her all the things I needed and how she NEVER responded to me the way I needed. Not in an combative way, exactly, but in a depressed, this can't go on, you have to change for me! sort of way. So she would change, for a month or so, and then the guilt trip I'd blasted her with would end and it would go back to the status quo. Things never changed permanently, even after about seven years of this routine. So I had to let go of all that negative stuff, completely forgive her 100% in my own heart, and from that moment forward I changed how I talked to her and how I communicated my needs to her. Instead of bottling things inside for months on end and getting worked up the longer my advances were denied, I started just mentioning to her things I like a couple times a week. Instead of attacking her by saying "Why don't you do [fill in the blank] any more?" I'd take her hand in the car and say "It really makes me feel warm inside to hold your hand." Or I'd pull her onto my lap and kiss her and tell her, "You know, it makes me feel really special when you sit on my lap." I tried to never compare how things are to how they were in the beginning. It was a long and slow process, but I figured I'd spent so many years on something that wasn't working, I could invest similar effort and time this way. I made no demands on her, just openly told her when she did something I loved. It took less than a year to see dramatic differences. A lot of those responses I needed so much come more naturally to her now. Holding hands, snuggling up to each on the couch, sharing a stolen kiss or gentle caress, etc.

Now, is everything rosy? No. She openly acknowledges that while she wishes it was otherwise, she just doesn't feel the same passion and desire as she did when we were dating. Kissing or touching simply does not affect her the same way it does me, so I doubt we'll ever have the level of intimacy that I would like to have. But you know what? That's ok. I love her with all my heart and I know she feels the same. There are times when I start getting depressed and lonely again, but over all things are much better, and continue to do so. The three keys for me were to stop blaming my wife for not needing the same things out of the relationship that I did, to recognize the signals she did use to express her love for me, and to stop asking her why she doesn't do something, and instead to slowly and consistently just tell her now and then what I love without actually placing any expectations on her.

Good luck in finding your keys to opening up your communication with your wife in a way that allows you to find common ground and understanding.
 
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