ok this 5 am waking up is starting to really annoy me.
Looks like I've pulled a whatchamacallit in my back..and I was a bit teary again. I slapped myself out of it.
I don't want to 'mummy' him- it was just after the things he said-I didn't want his clothes in my cupboard or on my deck. I wasn't very nice with them either. They are squashed in garbage bags into a car he has to tow away-he was doing it up. He can get rid of all his shed crap and other rubbish.
My clothing is now on his side of the cupboard which is awesome because I have room in there now.
I was really strong yesterday-but I'm having replays of things he said- and the anger. He was not him, just his body.
Elvis has left the building.
I don't know if you do ever know someone.. but are we supposed to?
Isn't there a side with thoughts-that are ours and ours alone?
I think did he really lie about our love? Our fifteen years of life?
He had my me, my kids, friends, family fooled.
I actually told him I didn't believe him.
He looked at me like I was a nutta- then dropped his chin when I wouldn't look away.
He came up with the shallowest replies when I asked about moments.
We used to lie in bed and fight over who would die first-he said that he'd have to because he couldn't stand a world without me in it.'
I'm a challenge to live with, but as my daughter said, he use to like it. "You're mothers a Sara Lee cake. Layer upon layer.' he'd tell her.
I have trouble hiding emotions and I know I use to fake happy sometimes just to make sure the mood in the house wasn't affected by me. But hell, life was hard. Life IS hard.
I think when he wakes up from this-life will STILL be hard.
(Ill be sending pictures of me in Paris and sitting on my Harley doing all the things we said we'd do when the business was gone. He'll be bringing up someone else's kids.)
One day-he'll remember.
One day, he will have to face the hurt he's caused.
But I may never know.
I don't like cooking. He took over in the kitchen. He's amazing in there. Once when he came home, music was blaring, I was cooking bolognaise in tap shoes. He laughed so hard. I ruined the floor but it made the meal fun.
He had leant in for a hug and put his forehead against mine, both of his hands on my cheeks, and said with the most gorgeous smile, "There will never be another you."
These are the memories I remember-the love in his eyes.That is real. To me.
I hold that husband close. He's the one we miss.
Now all he wants to do is tell me how free he feels and that everything professed was because he's a 'good guy'. He stayed so long because he was a 'good guy'.
There is NOTHING good about this guy today.
He turned into the very man he promised he never would.
He broke our family.
MLC- he claims no.
I think he's snapped into some dark place and in the thick of his affair fog.
BUt it's deny, deny, deny on that.
He tells me his motivation for counceling is to be able to tell someone what 'Ive done to him. Great! *eye roll- and throw tap shoe at his nose!
When he makes remarks like that-in my heart I know he's sick.
Abandoning his family would be against everything he is as a person.
My one blow out in this after he came and screamed at me about how he was sick of this family. (He actually said this about the family he's raised.)
I yelled back- YOU know it's wrong that's why you hate yourself so much! You know you loved us and we loved you and we felt it. This is not you! You are a horrible person!
Stress got to me too-things/life can change people, or maybe just bring out a side that is lying dormant.
I have no idea, no answers-it's a painful place.
This man was the hero in our family.
The man I had never put down.
One of his mates is still in shock that he just up and left. He told me in all the years he'd known him-he had never put me down. He used to listen to all the boys whine about their women-but not mine. He only had lifted me up as a person.
And yet here he was crushing me.
In all of this.....that's the hardest...the poison and venom is spewing forth uncontrollably and yes, everything that I had believed in as him and I is being rewritten.
I don't like people thinking bad of me. I love people. And some things coming back through others is so damn degrading to your spirit.
But right now, those are HIS truths. Not mine. He can't justify himself walking any other way but by making me into some kind of monster, I guess.
Sometimes he's believed and I am questioned by my own family on things he's told them. And that hurts more than anything.
I won't be a victim to this-this is my mantra.
(But darn it, sometimes you just are. Grief is a *****. I've had enough of it!)
I can't take this on board; I was and it was leaving me full of guilt and to tell you the truth I didn't want to breathe.
It made me feel defective as a person. Worthless and small.
I know who I am and I am responsible for the way I feel. No one can make you feel anything.
He chose to feel like leaving -and he did.
Is that my fault he had **** inside him he let fester over the years til he ran?
NOPE-you can't meet someone's needs if you don't know you aren't.
Is it my fault he couldn't communicate? Well, maybe to a degree because he was scared to hurt me then. But its a passive aggressive glitch he has. Not me.
Is it my fault he has sex with another person?
NO BLOODY WAY. That one is between himself and God. And I told him this. Let them wrestle it out.
But you have to stop and pull yourself out of this-get mad inside-for this is NOT you.
I have faith that's strong. God loves me. I'm not perfect. Far from it.
I'm a cheeky girl, who tries to laugh at life despite it's pain- who believes in truth and so I go within now, when I get the knot in my stomach that reminds me of what he sees me as now and remember the past the way I saw it, and let my friends confirm that when he looked at me like he did they saw the love was once real too.
I didn't imagine it.
There is a depth of despair I could fall into if I let it get me and some days, some mornings at 5 am, it is almost a super human effort to detach.
BUt you have to.
They are not themselves. This is not the husband or wife you knew.
Don't kid yourself. They are in a place we are uninvited.
Let them wallow around in their temporary euphoria. But it will end. And even when they look happy-don't believe it.
Go watch a show you know they hate. Walk slow instead of keeping up with them. Hug your kids and go take them for a milkshake.
Be thankful there is less washing. Paint you nails, put on make up or grow a goatee if your a bloke-hell, poo with the loo door open. Shave your balls. WHo cares! DO anything, something, to make you smile and be responsible just for you.
It hurts like crazy this. But then each day...you get a bit stronger. Find a bit more of you.
Do you know how attractive it is? If they see you happy-itll do more good than anything. It's a win win even if they dont come back.
You are right-for those betrayed. We don't deserve it. Marriage is work...it takes two to sort out the mess...but only one to f&^K it up.
I have a house that needs major overhauling, stock from a business lying everywhere. No money and I used to have buckets of the stuff. No response from him regarding house details-now he's thrown a tantrum . An uncertain future, and today-a bad back. It's a mess and some.
But God is good.
I guess Im married to HIM now-and he wont let me down.
He wont leave.
The neighbours next door heard my cheating alien hubby yelling at me a few days ago.
They came over and told me that no woman should be spoken to like I was.
And they would also like to help me get my garden in shape.
THey told the other neighbours on the other side and there are a team of people coming to help lift the weeds and my spirit.
It'll be ok.
It just might take a bit.
:Love and peace TAMpeople
disclaimer_ these thoughts of mine are often just that. Ramblings in this mess and could change form day to day, or hour to hour.
As you most probably note in any up and coming posts.
So take what you will...but it's just one chick doing it hard like you are and sifting through the ****. Hugs