Talk About Marriage banner
21 - 40 of 56 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,377 Posts
I'm more of a fan of face-to-face than letters.
Definitely like the idea of including MC. He will be defensive about it, as he has been before, and likely will tell me if I'm not happy then to go. But yes, I do plan on including MC. That's AFTER I have made up my mind
Do you mean go to counselling on your own, or "go" as in end the marriage?

Why leave MC until after you make up your mind? It might change things, if you get the right counselor. It has to be one who's expert in this kind of couple work.

Trying to get him to agree to your list of changes probably won't work. He'll either refuse, or he'll agree and then not follow through. Sorry.

The work would be about finding something corresponding that he wants to be different between you. And it probably needs a third party to dig that out. If you just have your list of wants, and you don't have his list, you're in a dead end.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
160 Posts
Why do I struggle with this so much??? I don't know. It has been a decade. I think it's our history and that we have been together for so long, just giving up is HARD. Am I wrong to feel this way? Also, if I see even one small tiny step in the right direction I take it as a positive sign and it keeps me hanging in there. I think those are the reasons I still keep hanging on.
Well, it's easier to say detached on a forum and harder to do in life because it's more personal and emotions take a long time to deal with. I think I saw in another post you made that he said something along the lines of you just have to take it or leave it. That's a pretty callous attitude to take towards someone you love for something that is changeable.

I recommend making it crystal clear that this is a last stand of sorts but don't painstakingly go over every wrong from the beginning of time to try to paint a picture or come across as nagging because it will just derail the message. I recommend sticking to the message that a, b, c is what I need to continue this relationship and I need to see action taken in a short amount of time and acknowledgement of wrong. Even if it's a waste of time as other posters have said, it will still give you closure that you did everything you could.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,357 Posts
It’s important when making a big decision like this to be sure you’ve explored all the options. If you want to try one last time then do so.
Wish I could give you 1000 likes. Too often a person leaves a relationship too soon to chase greener grass. And by the time they realize their mistake, the other person has moved on. Aside from abuse and infidelity, most relationships can be saved if both parties want to. But for some, it's easier to discard and move on...then repeat.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,481 Posts
I feel like I owe it to both of us after such a long relationship. I am having trouble setting that boundary :((( WHich is the crux of my problem.
You probably should discuss boundaries together, and then he can see where you struggle with that. Sometimes, spouses set boundaries without discussing it with each other, and then the offending spouse doesn't realize they've crossed them. Good luck with your plan.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
63 Posts
Discussion Starter · #26 ·
@ButterflyGirl I think you are doing the right thing writing a letter.

I don’t look at it so much as what might or might not save your marriage, but more from a standpoint of what YOU need to do to be ok with the next step (good or bad).

If you do end in divorce, would you want to look back knowing you made this attempt? I personally would want to know I did everything I could.

I don’t know your full backstory, but just the idea of putting your needs out there in a last effort to save your marriage is an admirable thing. I wish more people would do that.

Best of luck to you.
That is a good point and I see it from that standpoint (i.e., what I need to do to be o.k. with the next step). The only thing I know that I could do is to let him keep what he is doing in the name of "compromise" and not say a word about it. Which is not working so well - works well for HIM, not so much for me. And he knows this. Which is what makes it all so frustrating.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
63 Posts
Discussion Starter · #27 ·
It’s not uncommon to stay in a bad situation. A lot love on hopium. Some because of fear of the unknown.
People past a certain age don’t change. They may for a short period but revert back.
You stay in this because you want to. Until that changes you’ll keep yourself stuck.
It is probably some of both for me (hopium + the unknown). I know I am making a conscious choice. I need to get past it, whatever is creating me being stuck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
63 Posts
Discussion Starter · #28 ·
I'm more of a fan of face-to-face than letters.

Do you mean go to counselling on your own, or "go" as in end the marriage?

Why leave MC until after you make up your mind? It might change things, if you get the right counselor. It has to be one who's expert in this kind of couple work.

Trying to get him to agree to your list of changes probably won't work. He'll either refuse, or he'll agree and then not follow through. Sorry.

The work would be about finding something corresponding that he wants to be different between you. And it probably needs a third party to dig that out. If you just have your list of wants, and you don't have his list, you're in a dead end.
Based on what he has told me several times before, if I am not happy, then I can go and find someone else. He thinks he either can't make any changes or won't make any - or maybe a bit of both. Honestly, him saying that was pretty hurtful. LIke I'm not even worth fighting for. But that's another whole issue. I know it's a long shot that he would agree to any of it, much less follow through, but I feel like i have to put it out there. The counseling he went several years back to two sessions and said never again, even if it was one he chose.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
63 Posts
Discussion Starter · #29 ·
Well, it's easier to say detached on a forum and harder to do in life because it's more personal and emotions take a long time to deal with. I think I saw in another post you made that he said something along the lines of you just have to take it or leave it. That's a pretty callous attitude to take towards someone you love for something that is changeable.

I recommend making it crystal clear that this is a last stand of sorts but don't painstakingly go over every wrong from the beginning of time to try to paint a picture or come across as nagging because it will just derail the message. I recommend sticking to the message that a, b, c is what I need to continue this relationship and I need to see action taken in a short amount of time and acknowledgement of wrong. Even if it's a waste of time as other posters have said, it will still give you closure that you did everything you could.
Yes, that is true.............there have been "take it or leave it" statements made before. ANd it definitely is pretty emotional being in a situation IRL vs. reading about it on a forum. I think I know what his response will be - exactly what it was before, "find someone else" rather than try to look at each of the things. Can you provide thoughts on whether or not the things on my list are reasonable?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
63 Posts
Discussion Starter · #30 ·
Wish I could give you 1000 likes. Too often a person leaves a relationship too soon to chase greener grass. And by the time they realize their mistake, the other person has moved on. Aside from abuse and infidelity, most relationships can be saved if both parties want to. But for some, it's easier to discard and move on...then repeat.
I think about that "grass is greener" quote A LOT. Which is part of what keeps me stuck. What if it isn't GREENER?!?! Not that it is green right now where it is, but it's not all bad either despite the problems at hand. We do enjoy each others company, have 3 kids together, have built a life together, financially sound, etc., so it's not ALL brown grass where I am. Part of my fear is thinking leaving is the best thing and finding out just what you said - they realize it was a mistake. A HUGE, huge fear of mine.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
160 Posts
Can you provide thoughts on whether or not the things on my list are reasonable?
Sure.

1. I understand you like your video games, but it is really making me lonely when you are up 7x a week until 3 or 4 in the morning and sleeping half the day away on weekends (and dead tired on work days). Are you willing to cut this down to 3x a week and come to bed before midnight on the others?
2. Are you willing to improve our love life where we have some sort of intimacy at least 2x a month instead of once every 3 months?
3. Are you willing to see a doctor in the next month about medical and mental health issues that are impacting our relationship and your health?
4. Are you willing to go with me to a counselor in the next 60 days?
1. I used to game a lot and I attribute my gaming as partially to blame for the deterioration to one of my earlier relationships. This became such a phenomenon once MMORPG's were created that there were groups created called "Everquest Widows" and "Gaming Widows." Anyway, going from 7x a week to 3 is a pretty big jump if he's that addicted. To you it feels like hours, but to him only minutes have passed. I think your demands are valid, but it's going to be a transition. Like I always say, you don't get what you don't ask for. Shoot for the moon on this and let him know how serious you are. He has to make that hard choice. I was personally only able to change priorities after being saved by Jesus. Have you tried playing the game with him? Invade his space.

2. I think 2x a month is nowhere near enough, but I have a high libido and am projecting here :) Dead bedroom = dead marriage. No doubt about it. I'd say be much more specific than some form of intimacy. Say you want a date, cuddling, quality time, etc whatever your heart desires. This could actually be funny and help break tension a bit but still serious.

3. This one is hard. It's kind of vague, but I think I get what you're talking about. It can come across as you have diagnosed him and look like a blame shift. It might be best to leave this one off and let it be taken care of with #4 after properly identified in counseling unless there is a history I don't know about.

4. The counseling needs to happen ASAP if this is your demand. 60 days is just too far out and seems like not a priority.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,377 Posts
I think I know what his response will be - exactly what it was before, "find someone else" rather than try to look at each of the things. Can you provide thoughts on whether or not the things on my list are reasonable?
This is why you need to find out what's on his list. And that won't be easy. You may need help.

He very likely feels hopeless that he can't change.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
63 Posts
Discussion Starter · #34 ·
This is why you need to find out what's on his list. And that won't be easy. You may need help.

He very likely feels hopeless that he can't change.
This is why you need to find out what's on his list. And that won't be easy. You may need help.

He very likely feels hopeless that he can't change.
I definitely want to see what he might put on his list. I have no idea what could be on it short of me not saying anything about "all of the above" and just accepting him for who he is. But I intend to ask for a list and hope he will provide it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
63 Posts
Discussion Starter · #36 ·
Sure.



1. I used to game a lot and I attribute my gaming as partially to blame for the deterioration to one of my earlier relationships. This became such a phenomenon once MMORPG's were created that there were groups created called "Everquest Widows" and "Gaming Widows." Anyway, going from 7x a week to 3 is a pretty big jump if he's that addicted. To you it feels like hours, but to him only minutes have passed. I think your demands are valid, but it's going to be a transition. Like I always say, you don't get what you don't ask for. Shoot for the moon on this and let him know how serious you are. He has to make that hard choice. I was personally only able to change priorities after being saved by Jesus. Have you tried playing the game with him? Invade his space.

2. I think 2x a month is nowhere near enough, but I have a high libido and am projecting here :) Dead bedroom = dead marriage. No doubt about it. I'd say be much more specific than some form of intimacy. Say you want a date, cuddling, quality time, etc whatever your heart desires. This could actually be funny and help break tension a bit but still serious.

3. This one is hard. It's kind of vague, but I think I get what you're talking about. It can come across as you have diagnosed him and look like a blame shift. It might be best to leave this one off and let it be taken care of with #4 after properly identified in counseling unless there is a history I don't know about.

4. The counseling needs to happen ASAP if this is your demand. 60 days is just too far out and seems like not a priority.

#1 - I feel like it has become an addiction. I've never heard of gaming addiction, but it makes sense. Anything in excess is not good. I can see going from 7x to 3 is essentially cutting it in half, so could definitely be too much. I will re-think that.

#2 - I don't disagree, but even 2x would be a huge improvement over the present. I would be thrilled if he committed to that. And good point on being specific.

#3 - It's hard for me to NOT want to address this one because I think it snowballs into some of the other problems (if he took care of this item, some of the other things would be moot).

4. - Point taken

Thank you for this food for thought. It really has been helpful.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
160 Posts
#1 - I feel like it has become an addiction. I've never heard of gaming addiction, but it makes sense. Anything in excess is not good. I can see going from 7x to 3 is essentially cutting it in half, so could definitely be too much. I will re-think that.

#2 - I don't disagree, but even 2x would be a huge improvement over the present. I would be thrilled if he committed to that. And good point on being specific.

#3 - It's hard for me to NOT want to address this one because I think it snowballs into some of the other problems (if he took care of this item, some of the other things would be moot).

4. - Point taken

Thank you for this food for thought. It really has been helpful.
Video games also reduce libido. It's been studied.
 
21 - 40 of 56 Posts
Top