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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Would like to hear from former WS as to how valid and/or true statements are when still in the infatuation fog of the affair...eg. "felt no remorse", "did not think of wife at all", "did not feel guilty", "did not think of consequences", "did not love wife", and so on. Do you think these are issues that should be re-visited after the fog has lifted or is this just digging up the past? Also, how far should I push to get answers to why WH stayed in affair so long: 6 years? What did he want from affair, marriage, why didn't he divorce, what did he think would happen when found out, etc.
 

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Would like to hear from former WS as to how valid and/or true statements are when still in the infatuation fog of the affair...eg. "felt no remorse", "did not think of wife at all", "did not feel guilty", "did not think of consequences", "did not love wife", and so on. Do you think these are issues that should be re-visited after the fog has lifted or is this just digging up the past? Also, how far should I push to get answers to why WH stayed in affair so long: 6 years? What did he want from affair, marriage, why didn't he divorce, what did he think would happen when found out, etc.
You won't find too many WS here, but you will find plenty of smart and experienced BS that can also answer your questions.
 

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You won't find too many WS here, but you will find plenty of smart and experienced BS that can also answer your questions.
And the WS's that are here avoid threads like these because it only makes them look a lot worse than they already are. One thing I found is that the WS's here never answer postings that call them out on their bad behavior.
 

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MY STBXW is saying this (as the divorce process will not move as fast as she wants it too and I am protecting myself):

"Why are you destroying the lives of two human beings (her and POSOM)?" (They want to get married as soon as possible)

"I was unhappy, so I did it." (we had to live apart for our career reasons and it was a joint decision; she always had the option to join me, I didn't)

"I thought you would realize I was having an extramarital tango." (i thought trust was essential for a relationship?)

"I feared you would get angry, that's why I didn't tell you of my affair." (when she visited me, kept talking to POSOM; she didn't fear the gifts I showered on her, or the gifts she asked for; she didn't fear me when she used my money to buy gifts for the POSOM; she didn't fear me when she asked me to buy lingerie for her that she was going to wear for the POSOM)

"We are bound to get divorced eventually, if not now, then 10 years later. Let's divorce now since I got my soulmate." (this coming after our marriage was just a year old; we dated for six years before getting married)

"I stayed with you and married you because I felt sorry for you. I didn't tell you of my affair even after I asked for divorce because I thought you would prolong the divorce procedure." (thank you, I guess?)

"I cannot tolerate sleeping on the same bed with you." (after she returned to another country from visiting me; she had everyone with her the whole time, friends, family, POSOM; I was alone in a foreign land)

"I didn't go and stay with you because you cannot support my lifestyle." (true; however I am doing something very specialized now and in two years time I will be earning 4 times of what she and POSOM can earn combined)

"I never thought of leaving you, but the OM has given me the courage." (where is your own growth in that? I have learned to be on my own in a long time, what happens when POSOM cheats on my STBXW?)
 

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And the WS's that are here avoid threads like these because it only makes them look a lot worse than they already are. One thing I found is that the WS's here never answer postings that call them out on their bad behavior.
Well you obviously haven't noticed the replies from WS that I have read. Or that I have written. But meanwhile, here is my reply to this thread:-

My wife had an affair. This crushed me. We rugswept. I began drinking heavily. I got involved in a hobby group and got together with a woman who was also a member of the group who also liked to drink heavily. We started flirting. She asked me which of the Star Trek Voyager female characters I found attractive, this then degenerated into a conversation about what women I found attractive.

My answer "you" then led to a series of events that very nearly ended in physical sex but when I was seconds away from unprotected penetrative sex, I saw a vision of my wife as if she was there in the room. The fog of entitlement that had gripped me for several months was blasted away in an instant and the affair was over, immediately.

I confessed to my wife and we reconciled. Properly, with no rugsweeping, that time.
 

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Would like to hear from former WS as to how valid and/or true statements are when still in the infatuation fog of the affair...eg. "felt no remorse", "did not think of wife at all", "did not feel guilty", "did not think of consequences", "did not love wife", and so on.
Basically, for lack of a better explanation, this is often how WS feel while in the affair fog. The spouse is not thought of, or if he or she is, it is in a horrible light. And, during the affair, the WS does NOT think of the consequences of his or her actions. These are things which are SAID... it doesn't make them TRUE.

Do you think these are issues that should be re-visited after the fog has lifted or is this just digging up the past?
Totally up to you. If these things are nagging you, then I would say yes, mention them again.

Also, how far should I push to get answers to why WH stayed in affair so long: 6 years?
Push? If you don't have all the answers you want, or the answers that will satisfy you, then you ask.

What did he want from affair, marriage, why didn't he divorce, what did he think would happen when found out, etc.
Again, if you want the answers to these questions, ask him. You aren't over it, and he needs to recognize that it can take 2-5 YEARS for you to be "over it". This is all on YOUR timetable now, not his.
 

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And the WS's that are here avoid threads like these because it only makes them look a lot worse than they already are. One thing I found is that the WS's here never answer postings that call them out on their bad behavior.
I'm sorry, but you are very wrong on this. I have answered questions posed to me, more than once. I have repeated the same things over and over. I own what I did. I don't try to excuse it. I know it was a stupid decision I can never take back. Not all of us continue to behave in the manner you describe above. And, to me, it seems you think none of us are able to reform, which is completely untrue.
 

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"I need to stand up for what's right."

It was really just a confusing of terms. By "stand up" she meant "run away." And by "for what's right" she meant "for me."
Posted via Mobile Device
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Maricha75 and others, thanks for your replies. I agree with asking the questions until satisfied as you suggest but H feels they are raking up the past, unneccessarily causing pain (his? certainly, but also pain for me when he answers them truthfully). He just cannot get his head around why they are still important to me...I understand how the fog effects WS's thinking and so I really do know the answers to those questions were valid THEN but how does he feel now if asked the same questions over. And of course any question that has to do with the disfunctional marriage are very valid now as we continue to establish our new marriage and relationship in order to not make the same mistakes in future complacency...the trick is: How does one ask those questions in a neutral way without sounding punitive or judgemental? We are returning to MC after the New Year because I believe I need the help and support of MC to ask these questions and deflect the consistant evasion of my H...
 

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Maricha75 and others, thanks for your replies. I agree with asking the questions until satisfied as you suggest but H feels they are raking up the past, unneccessarily causing pain (his? certainly, but also pain for me when he answers them truthfully). He just cannot get his head around why they are still important to me...I understand how the fog effects WS's thinking and so I really do know the answers to those questions were valid THEN but how does he feel now if asked the same questions over. And of course any question that has to do with the disfunctional marriage are very valid now as we continue to establish our new marriage and relationship in order to not make the same mistakes in future complacency...the trick is: How does one ask those questions in a neutral way without sounding punitive or judgemental? We are returning to MC after the New Year because I believe I need the help and support of MC to ask these questions and deflect the consistant evasion of my H...
Just playing devil's advocate... but how do you know if the affair is still going on unless you are continuing to talk about it? I ask, because I can offer a perspective that many can't, which is unfortunately as an AP. I can tell you when I was in the midst of it all, my AP's wife was not asking questions, so he didn't continue to tell her that things were still going on.

I think continuing to talk about it is an essential part of what you need to do in order to effectively reconcile.
 

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After I discovered the affair I still got a lot of "We are just friends!" and she expected me to let that happen still..no dice.

"I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt your feelings" aka I didn't want to tell you because then I'd have to own up to it and stop doing it.

"I've been unhappy for a long time" but never told me anything or discussed unhappiness with me.

"We were never good together" So we've been together for 5 years, got married, and had a child because we were bad for each other?

Basically everything my WS would say made little to no sense.
 
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