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Yes, this is another "help me figure out what to do thread." I am lost and any advice would be appreciated. I (30 yrs old) met my now wife (23 yrs old) about 4.5 years ago and we married in July 2010. Everything, in my mind, was going very well (yeah, heard that before). We started 2012 with a lot of best intentions and were let down on these adventures. We were denied a loan for a house at the last credit check before closing. There were a couple of incidents involving my alcoholic mother and my wife that left her self esteem feeling very low and honestly I didn't do enough in the moment to handle the problems. We also have infertility issues and had 3 failed IUIs this year. All of these events lead up to August of this year.

In August, my wife started a new job to help pay the costs of these treatments. When she started this job she met a friend their and things started to change. She became very secretive with her phone all of the sudden and I found messages between them that I felt were inappropriate. When I talked to her about this, she decided to remove her wedding rings. She swore though that nothing had happened. Her mother was scheduled to have surgery at the end of the month and needed help around the house. She decided to leave that job and wanted to go spend some time with her mother. I actually felt this was a good idea and didn't really think twice about it.

A little time passed and we get to September. She begins telling me how she needs space and our conversations became few and far between for a little while. About 2 weeks into the month she tells me that while she was staying with her mother she had an affair with an old flame. She felt bad about it, but refused to stop talking with him. Against my wishes she moved into her own apartment and I took her the rest of her things. We continued to talk, but most of our conversations involved arguing. She blamed me for the event saying that she was never happy and of course I was upset as well and we both said a few things that were way out of character for each of us.

In October, the affair had not stopped. I also learned during this time that for the first year and a half of our relationship she had been communicating with the other guy telling him how she still loves him and how she doesn't know how but she is in love with two people. After this, I had pretty much given up and had divorce papers drafted. I must have starred at them for a week before finally signing them and giving them to her. A little after this things started to "return to normal" albeit very slowly. We started talking more and our conversations were much more calm and collected. We were both talking about the things we had to be thankful for and she told me the relationship with the other man had ended. Now, it didn't end because she necessarily wanted it to end... but because he decided to cheat on her. Karma sucks!

In spite of all of this, I know that she does love me and I love her very much. Things have been getting a little better each day and I would like to make things work, but there are still so many unanswered questions that I don't know how to ask. I don't want to just be a safety net. I want her to be happy in the relationship. Honestly, if someone else was telling me this story I would say leave... but thats way easier said than done. She is still not totally open with me, for example she started a new facebook page recently using her maiden name where she lists her relationship status as single. She blocked me from seeing this but one of her friends told me about it. She has decided to put a password on her phone, which is something that she has never done.

Does anyone have any real advice they could offer on how to proceed? As of today we are still living 80 miles apart and I am crazy broke as I feel I am still her husband and I am obligated to give her money anytime she needs it... rent, car payment, phone payment, cosigning loans. She has said that she doesn't want to sign the divorce papers. I am beating myself up constantly and just don't know what to do.
 

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Yes, this is another "help me figure out what to do thread." I am lost and any advice would be appreciated. I (30 yrs old) met my now wife (23 yrs old) about 4.5 years ago and we married in July 2010. Everything, in my mind, was going very well (yeah, heard that before). We started 2012 with a lot of best intentions and were let down on these adventures. We were denied a loan for a house at the last credit check before closing. There were a couple of incidents involving my alcoholic mother and my wife that left her self esteem feeling very low and honestly I didn't do enough in the moment to handle the problems. We also have infertility issues and had 3 failed IUIs this year. All of these events lead up to August of this year.

In August, my wife started a new job to help pay the costs of these treatments. When she started this job she met a friend their and things started to change. She became very secretive with her phone all of the sudden and I found messages between them that I felt were inappropriate. When I talked to her about this, she decided toI remove her wedding rings. She swore though that nothing had happened. Her mother was scheduled to have surgery at the end of the month and needed help around the house. She decided to leave that job and wanted to go spend some time with her mother. I actually felt this was a good idea and didn't really think twice about it.

A little time passed and we get to September. She begins telling me how she needs space and our conversations became few and far between for a little while. About 2 weeks into the month she tells me that while she was staying with her mother she had an affair with an old flame. She felt bad about it, but refused to stop talking with him. Against my wishes she moved into her own apartment and I took her the rest of her things. We continued to talk, but most of our conversations involved arguing. She blamed me for the event saying that she was never happy and of course I was upset as well and we both said a few things that were way out of character for each of us.

In October, the affair had not stopped. I also learned during this time that for the first year and a half of our relationship she had been communicating with the other guy telling him how she still loves him and how she doesn't know how but she is in love with two people. After this, I had pretty much given up and had divorce papers drafted. I must have starred at them for a week before finally signing them and giving them to her. A little after this things started to "return to normal" albeit very slowly. We started talking more and our conversations were much more calm and collected. We were both talking about the things we had to be thankful for and she told me the relationship with the other man had ended. Now, it didn't end because she necessarily wanted it to end... but because he decided to cheat on her. Karma sucks!

In spite of all of this, I know that she does love me and I love her very much. Things have been getting a little better each day and I would like to make things work, but there are still so many unanswered questions that I don't know how to ask. I don't want to just be a safety net. I want her to be happy in the relationship. Honestly, if someone else was telling me this story I would say leave... but thats way easier said than done. She is still not totally open with me, for example she started a new facebook page recently using her maiden name where she lists her relationship status as single. She blocked me from seeing this but one of her friends told me about it. She has decided to put a password on her phone, which is something that she has never done.

Does anyone have any real advice they could offer on how to proceed? As of today we are still living 80 miles apart and I am crazy broke as I feel I am still her husband and I am obligated to give her money anytime she needs it... rent, car payment, phone payment, cosigning loans. She has said that she doesn't want to sign the divorce papers. I am beating myself up constantly and just don't know what to do.
What is it that YOU want?

Regardless, you need to stop financing her single life for starters.

She wants to be single she pays.

It's time for her to find her big girl pants, and it's time for you to stop being her doormat.


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You've got some challenges, don't you -- she's living 80 miles away in her own apartment, and it sounds like she is ambivalent about whether or not to reconcile with you.

Right now you are definitely Plan B -- you're paying her rent, her bills, and not making her do any heavy lifting.

I think I'd try to:
Tell her that you want to make the relationship work, but that you will need her to show you that she is also committed to working on it.
Get her to go to marriage counseling with you. If she won't go, then tell her that you need to continue to separate your finances.
Have an honest talk about what your separation means. Do you two have clear rules. For example, are you two allowed to date other people? Are you two going to try dating each other? How long will you continue to separate her household? Is she willing to share her passwords with you?
 
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