Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 9 of 9 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
OK... Need some advice if my marriage is to last...

My wife and I have been married for almost 11 years. But she is miserable. And I admit, it's my fault.

Here goes... we met online and both lived on opposite sides of north America. Her in Canada, me in NJ. We had sex multiple times before getting married but stopped after finding out that she was pregnant. (4 months preg on our wedding day)

Prior to her getting preg. I moved from NJ to British Columbia. Things felt shakey to me, but not to her. I honestly thought things were going to end one night and borrowed money from a female friend to move back home. (never told my wife until after we were married)

I lied to her about smoking, saying I didn't when we first met. I had honestly quit for about 6 months prior to 9/11, but then started up again. (we met online a month before 9/11)

Anyway... the foundation of our relationship was shaky from the start. Throw ontop of that that I was very wounded from my past and I took it out on her, sometimes physically.

I am very defensive by nature. If I am accused of anything, guilty or not, I get super defensive. This has led to fights and and even a one week seperation about 5 years ago.

Everything climaxed for me, as far as my anger being taken out on her, about 3 years ago. She asked me if I was looking at some girl's picture on FB, and I grabbed my laptop from her and smashed it on the floor. I was just so tired of being accused of checking out other women.

Anyway, this particular fight led to physical violence and me destroying a lot of our belongings. (guitar, TV, laptop, etc.) I can count on one hand, the number of times that I've laid a hand on her in anger, but wish it had never happened. It hasn't in the last three years. I also called her a fat f**k in that fight and possibly said that twice.

Understandably she has massive self esteem issues. on the phone this morning, she said she wishes she had left me years ago, and said that she is not in love with me.

Everytime we get in an argument, she brings up stuff from the past and says that she's bring it up because in some ways I haven't changed. She told her sister that she doesn't want to be with me anymore, then retracts that as says that she meant when we argue.

I am at my wits end. As far as I know, forgiving someone of something means not using it as ammunition in a fight /argument.

I love my wife, and yes I love her enough to stick things out. But what I can't handle is hearing her say that she wishes she handn;t married me.

I can provide more details is needed. What I need is advice... is it time to end things? is there any hope? can I change and be a good husband who meets her needs?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,582 Posts
What has it been like over the past couple of years? If the fighting, yelling, physical violence has continued and the issues that create these scenes are unresolved, she has every right to bring them up until resolved.

If you have amended your ways and for the past couple of years have been a good husband, then maybe she's wrong to bring them up.

But you both sound like you need counseling.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12 Posts
I'm not going to preach to you about the evils of physical abuse. Many others on here will jump on that bandwagon at every opportunity (and rightfully so).

But I will say this: We are all scarred from our past. But how you choose to live this life and treat others is your choice, and your choice alone. Not the choice of your father, mother, brother, sister, gf or whoever else hurt you in the past. Forge your own path. Find yourself in the midst of the turmoil. It may be a life-long journey. But so be it. At least you didnt stop before it ended.

Hardly anyone tell you what to do these days. Everyone says: "there is no right answer". Personally, I think that's a crock of sh*t. There is always a right answer.

Here, I think the answer is clear. You need to break away from your marriage and find yourself. Alone. Someday when you are ready you can go back to your wife, with an open heart, a calmer heart, and if she will take you back, you can have another go at a life together. But for now, stop hurting her, and stop hurting yourself. Find some kindness and compassion for yourself, first and foremost, and then learn how to give the same to others.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,613 Posts
can I change and be a good husband who meets her needs?
Only you can answer this question. But you have to be able to show that you truly understand the wrongfulness of your past actions, that you are remorseful and repentant and that you have taken positive steps to prevent anything like this from happening again. This is a tall order and it will take a lot more than just "hanging on". Get yourself a mentor that can make you be accountable to them and just maybe your wife will believe this person if you can make them believe in you
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Well, she just said that she wants a divorce cause I watched the movie "Ted". I think I will comply. Thanks for all the advice. I will get help for myself. I think breaking away was the direction I was heading anyways.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
396 Posts
Hmmmm. You are here asking for advice about how to save your marriage.

I suggest you start considering if you'd like to change yourself, for yourself? Changing for marriage is toxic. Put the marriage aside.

Do you really like the person you are?

Are you the man you want to be?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
715 Posts
Ted was a very funny movie. She's bringing up the past because both of you haven't fully addressed it. There for it still bothers her. Sounds like you are still loosing your temper. She doesn't trust you (rightfully so) and doesn't know if you'll get physical again. Go to counseling.
 
1 - 9 of 9 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top