Did you ever wonder why some people find the perfect person to marry, do so, and enjoy a love affair that lasts a lifetime? On the other hand, some marry a person that is wrong for them now, wrong for them tomorrow, and wrong for them for a lifetime? What’s the difference? Why do some succeed at love and marriage where others fail?
What’s the difference?
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I think all of us wander that at one point in our life.
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I used to ask myself all the time. I've got a long list of failed relationships to prove it. 
Fortunately, I've learned and grown along the way, and think I've finally found that soul mate.
Fortunately, I've learned and grown along the way, and think I've finally found that soul mate.
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This is verbatim something posted on another relationship website. Did you take it from there? :scratchhead:
I've wondered. The reasons are as varied as fingerprints I imagine.
I do wonder if the "why" behind marriage is a major factor.
I married my wife not because I needed to get married, but because I needed to share a life specifically with her. If today there was no her, than there would likely be no married me. I really have come to believe that marriage is absolutely not necessary unless it's necessary with a specific person.
I wonder if people who wed because it was "just time" to "settle down", or who did so out of fear of loneliness, or who felt like marriage was something that they were just "suppose to do", and thus they found a partner who seemed like a good fit for the marriage, instead of the other way around, are more prone to having bad marriages when the sh*t hits the fan?
I do wonder if the "why" behind marriage is a major factor.
I married my wife not because I needed to get married, but because I needed to share a life specifically with her. If today there was no her, than there would likely be no married me. I really have come to believe that marriage is absolutely not necessary unless it's necessary with a specific person.
I wonder if people who wed because it was "just time" to "settle down", or who did so out of fear of loneliness, or who felt like marriage was something that they were just "suppose to do", and thus they found a partner who seemed like a good fit for the marriage, instead of the other way around, are more prone to having bad marriages when the sh*t hits the fan?
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First...kids really have no idea what they are getting in to. I don't know if you can know what you're getting into until you've been married once.
second, a lot of people mistake lust for love. That lust wears off in time and that's why you married, there's nothing there.
Third, I think a lot of young people get married for the wrong reasons. They get married for what they can get out of it. They guy is thinking steady poon tane, she'll wash, cook clean etc etc. I think a lot of girls just want to be a bride for a day... to the the center of attention in all the pageantry etc.
Some people have such a strong drive to get married... They will morph themselves into what ever they think their prospect want's them to be... just to get them to marry them. Once they are married... they let their hair down.. relax and they are NOT the person they led their spouse to believe they are.
How to increase your odds of a successful marriage... Just relax... be yourself and allow someone to fall in love with you for what you really are. Second, when you love someone...truely love someone... you want to make them the happiest person in the world. And finally, marry someone you like. When that hormone driven lust phase wears off, if you like the person... you won't mind being married to them.
And, before you get married, don't assume practical things. Talk about how you'll handle money, spending/saving, vacations, children, politics, religion, etc. The fewer bones of contention you have the less friction you'll have. I totally disagree with the "opposite's attract" theory.
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The thread is titled "What's the difference"...
In your 2 extreme examples you have laid out the differences:
Marry the perfect person or marry the wrong person.
perfect vs. wrong
The difference is right there.
I don't believe in soul-mates or "the one"...I think you are best to find someone you are extremely compatible with on all levels, who accepts and loves you for who you are, the way that you are.
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It drive me crazy when I hear about a couple... who has been dating for a long time... And, it comes time to either break-up (and essentially waste all those years the invested) or get married. And, they get married! What a huge mistake..
If they are uncertain... they need to break-up... If it's meant to be... they'll know... THEN they need to get married.
I think my first marriage was a case of... It's the next step in the progression. Finished college.. check.... got a job... check... let's see, where was I... Oh yeah... here it is... get married.
And to complete the deal, the girl I married morphed herself, jumped through hoops.... until she ate that wedding cake. Once she ate that wedding cake. EVERYTHING changed. All the fun we had dating... going here, going there... doing this, doing that...It all came to a screeching halt.
IMO too many people get married because that's what they're "supposed" to do or they have some dream wedding in mind. Another thing is the lack of understanding that marriage will require maintenance. I think people have fairy tale expectations of marriage that just can't be lived up to. When the relationship falls short resentment and discontent sets in. I do think the selection process should be thorough. I was very loose on women I would "date" casually but extremely Seinfeld like in the quirky things I would drop a girl for when in a relationship.
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They don't wait for the right person.
I had no clue what I was getting myself into when I got married. I was too young too naive and too infatuated. Nevertheless I hit the jackpot and it was the right person
He will tell you he just "Knew".
I had no clue what I was getting myself into when I got married. I was too young too naive and too infatuated. Nevertheless I hit the jackpot and it was the right person
He will tell you he just "Knew".
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I think you're right.
People think their spouse... is going to provide that fairy tail romance... To be at their beck and call... fulling all their dreams before they even realize what they are.
When BOTH people have that same romantic notion... It's their spouses responsibility to make them happy... they are doomed from the get go...
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You got lucky...They don't wait for the right person.
I had no clue what I was getting myself into when I got married. I was too young too naive and too infatuated. Nevertheless I hit the jackpot and it was the right person
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Don't think I don't know it! I freely admit my heart could have been shattered in a thousand pieces.
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As I've said before. Things do NOT get better once you married.
And if things are going bad... you only compound you problems if you bring a child into the marriage....
IF things are going great. Yeah.. A child will make it better.
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I don't think it's about luck. I think one has to first be the right person, they have to choose wisely, for the right reasons, and they have to be committed to making it work.
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The successful marriages I know of IRL consist of two people who continue to like/love each other the more they get to know each other over the years.
The unsuccessful marriages are the opposite; the more they get to know each other, the less they like/love each other.
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I know just about everybody talks about how you have to work at your marriage every day..
That hasn't been the case for me at all.
First, we just don't have a lot of conflict. We agree on money, politics, religion etc. etc. etc. Not any conflict really.
And, we love each other... respect each other and trust each other.
But, most of all... we genuinely like each other. We never get tired of each other.
I hope I die first. I simply can't bare the thought of not having her. If she dies first. I'll be dead within 3 months of a broken heart. Without her, I will be lost.
I could have written this entire post. I am 1000% in agreement with everything you wrote here.
I even did a thread about the whole "marriage is work" mantra:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...66-should-marriage-really-feel-like-work.html
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