[LookingForTheSun]

Husband and are in R 7 months after NC w/OW. We have been doing great. I had a major trigger (3 stupid thing that all were reminders at the same time, so a bit more than I could handle). I had a drink, got emotional, and when he got home from practice, I started a whole mess that in my mind didn't seem unreasonable, but now as I look on it, it was bad. We stayed up until 4:30 AM - and now he is seriously depressed again because I lashed out at him and told him how disappointed I was and angry from my trigger, but that I knew it was contradicting how I fee about us now - I am happy with us and feel good about us, but I just sent him back to where he felt from our new beginning - like he has done nothing right (even though he has), and he can't ever redeem himself. That was Monday night. This morning he told me that he almost contacted OW and her BF, but stopped. I asked him why, and he said because he wants them to hurt as much as we are. I told him they will have a miserable life, and we have overcome and ours can be great if we both get our heads out of our butts and seeing what we have and how far we have come. I think he is struggling with closure now and is maybe going trough another stage of his grief. He can't concentrate at work and says he is going to see a Dr. I know he is depressed. Yes, I am the BS, but how do I help my WH who is undeniably depressed because of his affair, more remorseful than I have ever seen, and who I think needs closure. Besides getting a doctors help, what does he do? Closure - how does he do it, is it a good thing? I am lost.

 

[sigma1299]

Closure for the cheater is BS - it doesn't exist. Affairs only end one way and that's badly. It's part of the price you pay for cheating. I convinced my wife that I needed closure to and she let me try - you can't get it - it's just not there. Tell him to slam the door, throw away the key and focus on you. And tell him that if contacts the OW to tell her anything - anything at all that it's a deal breaker. If you want to reveal it to her BF that's your call - not his. If he has the only antidote to cure a deadly disease she has he can't contact her - period the end.

If he needs a counselor or a doctor help him find one but in my experience the quickest way to recover from such a massive screw up as having an affair is to bust your ass to make it as right as you can - worked for me for the most part.

 

[SadandAngry]

Is he in individual counseling? Keep talking about things, honestly, let him know how you really feel. Be sure to point out the positive developments in your relationships, but don't gloss over your negative feelings either. He made some horrible, awful choices, it'll take time.

 

[LookingForTheSun]

I should have put this in my post - the other night (I did cause that one) I said some bad stuff, and he said something bad back - that wasn't even an issue - but I said "So your final words to her were "Take Care", and I get this - the woman you are supposed to love. Yep - tha made it sound like I was questioning his love for me now (I forgot about that). Then the next day I told him that it would have been ideal if his last words to her were FU B**ch, but it is too late for that, so I will settle for knowing that in so many words and stopping contact, he did tell her goodbye – you are out of my life. You are not who or what is important.

Typing that - In so many words I guess I told him that I was not sure he loved me now and that for me to feel better he needed to tell her off?!?

 

[LookingForTheSun]

...and he did not say he needed closure - that is just an assumption/question on my part.....maybe I am just hindering our recovery. I am thinking my actions from the other night pushed him to even considering that.

 

[Count of Monte Cristo]

He's not happy so he wants his AP to be unhappy?

Methinks he's still too invested in her.

 

[LookingForTheSun]

If he needs a counselor or a doctor help him find one but in my experience the quickest way to recover from such a massive screw up as having an affair is to bust your ass to make it as right as you can - worked for me for the most part.[/QUOTE]

Sigma - I think he has been - and maybe I have not been seeing it so much because of how badly he hurt me. Does that happen?

 

[aug]

Shouldn't the OW's bf been told already? The poor fellow!

 

[TiggyBlue]

Im curious, why would he call her a b*tch and tell her off.
Did she try to cause trouble during your R ?

 

[LookingForTheSun]

Im curious, why would he call her a b*tch and tell her off.
Did she try to cause trouble during your R ?

No - what I said to him yesterday was that it would have been ideal if his last words to her 7 months ago were those instead of "take care". There has not been anything from her during R except for once she tried to befriend one of his cousins on FB and she did not accept her. That was about 2 weeks after he last texted her.

 

[Zanna]

I would be very concerned that he still wants to contact her. She is NOT a part of your R. He needs to worry less about her and more about you.

 

[LookingForTheSun]

He's not happy so he wants his AP to be unhappy?

Methinks he's still too invested in her.

Not really. With us he is happy - with how things have been going he is happy - and he has been doing everything that he should be doing. I badly triggered the other night and brought a lot of stuff up and said a lot of things and told him he should have told her off with his last contact to her instead of texting "take care". I think he wants her to experience pain and loss much like I did - and he completely owns what he did, but she did some nasty things after the fact too - contacting our parents directly leaving very nasty voicemails and emails, just to try and put the final nail in the coffin so to speak. I showed pain and anger the other night. Just residual from a trigger - not how I feel about us now. I was drinking, so I know that played a role. It was nothing he presently did that made me trigger. I looked through old pictures, heard her name on a show - sober I would have been fine with it.

 

[LookingForTheSun]

I would be very concerned that he still wants to contact her. She is NOT a part of your R. He needs to worry less about her and more about you.

He hasn't wanted to, up until I said all of those things - and then he said he wanted to contact both of them - not just her. I think I really put him through the ringer the other night. Crap.

 

[SadandAngry]

So her partner has no idea she had an affair?

 

[SadandAngry]

And you, have you ever gotten really mad about this, other than the other night? Like edge of control, stream of consciousness yelling mad?

 

[Zanna]

He hasn't wanted to, up until I said all of those things - and then he said he wanted to contact both of them - not just her. I think I really put him through the ringer the other night. Crap.

You're in R. Recovery has it ups and downs. One step forward, two back. It's not linear. If he's read about it, he should know this...

It's not your fault and you did not put him through the ringer. He put you through the ringer.

But her BF should have been told about the A. He has a right to know so he can decide on R or breaking up with her and moving on. His life, his choice and OW stole that from him by letting him live a lie. But if anyone is going to expose, it's to BF. No one needs to speak to OW, including you and definitely not your H.

 

[daggeredheart]

It sounds like his response was one of "impulse" and wanting to lash out which is never the right one. What is important is the R of here and now. As Sigma said, it's going to be ugly when a affair ends, it's supposed to be.

The good thing is he told you his impulse, and together you can deal with it but letting her have any influence on you both now is not the way to healing. Don't give her that power.

Did you guys expose to her BF?

Don't even get me started on the "long goodbyes' of the ending of the affair.....my spouse wrote the worlds _worst_ NC letter ever. In fact it should be used as the model of what not to say to your AP when it's over........it reads like something out of a Romeo & Juliet moment..... and the final line was.......wait for it.....

"this was really hard and I don't want it to end, take care (k) "


gag....and of couse she followed up with a "godbye my love"


How I wish there could have been a _do over_ on that NC letter.

 

[LookingForTheSun]

Husband thinks he knows something was going on at the time - supposedly she was not happy with him (or so she says), however, he does not think he really knows what happened and doubts that she ever told him. They live across the country and she used his credit cards to get out here, stay, etc. Maybe he does, but if so, not from either of us. I have a whole other thread of me wanting to contact him - first as revenge and then as an obligation. I settled on my family comes first and I don't want her in our lives ever again.

I think my words and actions the other night said otherwise - I was drunk. I screwed up that one.

 

[daggeredheart]

I think you allowed a screw up eh?

 

[sigma1299]

Sigma - I think he has been - and maybe I have not been seeing it so much because of how badly he hurt me. Does that happen?

Oh yes that happens. My wife said basically the same thing to me - "why can't you just tell her to go F herself." I had a bunch of lame excuses - the bottom line is I was - as has been said - still to invested in her to be mean to her when I was still in contact with her. By the time I was capable of telling her to jump off a bridge no contact was long since established and not remotely worth breaking.

You triggered and vented - he doesn't get to pout about that and he damn sure doesn't get to threaten to contact the OW every time you beat him up a little. This is all part of the price of cheating - he needs to man up and pay it. Yes you need to re-enforce his good behavior but you also have the right to trigger and go batsh!t on him once in a while.

The fact that he would even think about contacting her, let alone tell you that, is worrisome. He needs to understand that as far as he is concerned she does not exist and that there is zero justifiable reason for him to contact her.