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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
WH actually told me to post a question on here (actually 2)...and like many WSs. he is not a fan of TAM to begin with.

We are almost 10 months into R. For the most part, it is going well. However, when we fight, it almost always comes up that here we are still suffering the fallout of the affair and the OW went back to her life like nothing happened....or at least that is what we both assume. I never spoke to OW, never exposed her (she lives in another state), and at the time did not want anything to do with her, just wanted her out of our lives. Over the last 10 months, I have felt anger, felt like I should have done something instead of just let her fade away. I thought I took the high road, but a part of that has left me feeling empty - like I didn't stand up for myself or fight back (even though I know I did). Hubs has said early on that he wanted her to hurt too for the part that she played, even though it is on him. But we talked about it, agreed not to do anything and let it go, but it still comes up when we fight....and I know that we need to just put that behind us and 100% focus on us - but we all know that that is easier said than done sometimes. I'm the BS, and I see the following as closure on 2 things that have been swept under the rug by both of us. My hubs wants no part of anything to do w/OW - yet it does come up in anger.

First question - (all actions by BS) - if you had the opportunity to find out if OW/OM really did go back to their life like nothing happened, or if she/he is miserable and alone - would you? Would you want to know so that you never have to wonder or it never becomes a topic of your fights or even a fleeting thought?

Second question - what if you (BS) had the ability to cause some "karma" to the OW/OM without them knowing it was you and then it would be done. Would you do it? Would you think it would be healthy as a BS, or would you see it as letting the OW/OM back in your life/marriage? Would you see it as closure or would you see it as harmful to you or your marriage and why?
 

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Its probably best to let dead dogs lie BUT being the BS I would have to say that I would want to know and I would be willing to even expose her at this point since you didnt do it in the beginning. Of course you dont want to sit around wondering if she is happy and content and all is well when she was just as much of a contributor to your marital hell. Why should you have to deal with the fallout when she is not.

Im sure others here will tell you to take the high road and not let her affect you but until you get some kind of closure you're going to be in the same place you are right now, whether its 2 mos down the road or 2 years.

Does your WH think you should let it go? Is it you thats hung on up this?
 

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First question - (all actions by BS) - if you had the opportunity to find out if OW/OM really did go back to their life like nothing happened, or if she/he is miserable and alone - would you? Would you want to know so that you never have to wonder or it never becomes a topic of your fights or even a fleeting thought?
Yes, I would have to know everything about this person and the life she/he is living.

Second question - what if you (BS) had the ability to cause some "karma" to the OW/OM without them knowing it was you and then it would be done. Would you do it? Would you think it would be healthy as a BS, or would you see it as letting the OW/OM back in your life/marriage? Would you see it as closure or would you see it as harmful to you or your marriage and why?
Exposure is a huge part of assuring an end to the affair so I think you should have done it long ago. Additionally I'm a huge believer in getting even (unlike the majority of people here) so I would advocate you helping Karma along. It wouldn't matter to me whether it could be traced back to me or not, as long as what I am doing is legal and can't lead to a lawsuit. Meaning that if you expose or say anything, you better have the proof; you can't be sued for telling the truth.
 

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First question - (all actions by BS) - if you had the opportunity to find out if OW/OM really did go back to their life like nothing happened, or if she/he is miserable and alone - would you? Would you want to know so that you never have to wonder or it never becomes a topic of your fights or even a fleeting thought?

Second question - what if you (BS) had the ability to cause some "karma" to the OW/OM without them knowing it was you and then it would be done. Would you do it? Would you think it would be healthy as a BS, or would you see it as letting the OW/OM back in your life/marriage? Would you see it as closure or would you see it as harmful to you or your marriage and why?
First answer - yes, I would love to know that. I would love to know if the OM is suffering, or is just shrugging his shoulders thorugh life. But my guess is he is feeling a huge hole where his friendship with my W used to be, and thus is less happy. Not because he couldn't have her as his own, but because he lost a close friend. But it would be interesting to know exactly what he is thinking/feeling.

Second answer - no. As long as he stayed out of our lives forever, I see no point in pushing him over some hypothetical ledge. But if he reached out, then yes.
 

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First question - (all actions by BS) - if you had the opportunity to find out if OW/OM really did go back to their life like nothing happened, or if she/he is miserable and alone - would you? Would you want to know so that you never have to wonder or it never becomes a topic of your fights or even a fleeting thought?

Second question - what if you (BS) had the ability to cause some "karma" to the OW/OM without them knowing it was you and then it would be done. Would you do it? Would you think it would be healthy as a BS, or would you see it as letting the OW/OM back in your life/marriage? Would you see it as closure or would you see it as harmful to you or your marriage and why?
These are interesting questions and I would like to think about them and give you the best and most in depth answers I can...

I'd like to verify my thoughts, but my instincts lean towards the thought that both are rooted in something unhealthy for you. They both feel like the wrong path, but I don't know. Stripped down this feels like a want or need for revenge. But, it's dressed up in a 'justice' costume. If that were to help you heal, I could understand and endorse it. But, I don't think it would. Actually, it might make things worse for you.

Again, those are just random gut feelings. You guys are trying to heal yourselves and your marriage. This is a serious question that deserves more than a quick knee jerk comment, So I'd like to think about it.

*edit* I should have asked, if your being honest with yourself.. do you feel like you want some revenge/vengence (question 2)? and Do you want some verification that 'the universe' (karma) is exacting some pain on this OW (question 1)?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
The wanting to know - it became more of an issue after a pretty good fight a few weeks ago. The whole thing of "here we are dealing with this, and she went on like nothing happened" came up by hubs, so I wanted to put it to rest. I wanted to find out so God forbid we ever do have any more arguments over this, this would not be a cause or a concern anymore. One less thing to wonder or fight about for both of us. Hubs disagrees. He says he doesn't sit around wondering what her life is like or could care less if she won the lottery, and the only time it comes up is if we are fighting when emotions are running high. He wishes he could erase every memory of her.

The karma. There is an opportunity. Don't have to take it. It is not illegal. It is not life altering, just a little payback - hardly on the same scale as having an affair with a married man. I did nothing to her. Hubs did nothing to her. She walked away from the affair like nothing happened, but threw a wrench in it as much as she could.

Hubs says that doing so would be bringing her back in our lives. He said it would do nothing for him even though at times he would like to think that she suffered too and it was just not us. However, he said he does not need that to keep moving forward with us, but if I needed it, than who is he to say otherwise.

Me, as the BS thinks that it should provide some closure for both of us, mainly more for me. For me, to finally do something about it that I didn't do before. For him, to see that she did not just walk away with no consequence.

Where we are - we are doing very well, but if things come up in a heated arguement, my thoughts are it is still an issue and always will be unless dealt with. I have put so much behind me and I know he has too. I just don't like that these 2 things keep coming up. I want it all to be over with. He wants it over too but doesn't think doing anything about it would be good. Just wants to keep moving forward and sees no good from it.
 

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LFTS, when my husband's EA came to light, I had no knowledge of this site. I knew nothing of exposing to the OW fiance or her family. All I knew was that I wanted to fix my marriage. Yes, with my own cheating, he absolutely had the right to tell me to gtfo, but we agreed that we wanted to work on US, so that was our ultimate goal... getting our marriage back on track. So, as I said, I knew nothing about exposing the OW to anyone. But it gnawed at me. After coming here, I wrote how I felt. I wrote a letter to OW fiance, in the event she chose to contact him again. I didn't expect that she WOULD, but had it prepared "just in case"... and wouldn't you know, she sent him a text on Father's Day, just 2 1/2 months after D-day. So, I sent the letter to her fiance. She sent me a nasty text back, and we haven't heard from her since. :)

As for revenge... I'm not really one for that, but I am the type who does want to know if they are "living it up", whether we are doing well or not. But, I HAVE decided that if the b!tch tries to fish again, I will contact her family. And I would certainly expect that my husband would do the same thing... or at the very least, I would have no problem if he DID choose to do so!
 

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First question - (all actions by BS) - if you had the opportunity to find out if OW/OM really did go back to their life like nothing happened, or if she/he is miserable and alone - would you?
No. I could have outed him to his wife and family, but I chose not to.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
*edit* I should have asked, if your being honest with yourself.. do you feel like you want some revenge/vengence (question 2)? and Do you want some verification that 'the universe' (karma) is exacting some pain on this OW (question 1)?
I always wish I did something - yes. That is why I tell people on here to expose or do something right away. It is terrible to get to a point where you feel it is too late to do anything. Why I never did - I did not want any fallout to come to my children. I would never do anything to put them in harms way.

I don't believe in karma. I use that term loosely - I believe that things just happen and I also believe that people take matters into their own hands. Being honest with myself, I would like to think that only my marriage matters, but the situation, all the factors and all the horrible things she did does make me want to give her a little payback.

When hubs says that it does not matter so much to him, I wonder if he is being honest with himself or me. I know he wants to just put her out of mind completely, but my shoes are much different than his.

I know the right thing do do is to move on as we have been. But it is still there when it pops up in arguments. I say take care of it and be done with it. He says just keep moving.
 

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I always wish I did something - yes. That is why I tell people on here to expose or do something right away. It is terrible to get to a point where you feel it is too late to do anything. Why I never did - I did not want any fallout to come to my children. I would never do anything to put them in harms way.

I don't believe in karma. I use that term loosely - I believe that things just happen and I also believe that people take matters into their own hands. Being honest with myself, I would like to think that only my marriage matters, but the situation, all the factors and all the horrible things she did does make me want to give her a little payback.

When hubs says that it does not matter so much to him, I wonder if he is being honest with himself or me. I know he wants to just put her out of mind completely, but my shoes are much different than his.

I know the right thing do do is to move on as we have been. But it is still there when it pops up in arguments. I say take care of it and be done with it. He says just keep moving.
This is my take on it. You are the BS. If it makes you feel better....do it. Its just that simple.
 

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I started doing some research into your questions and the psychological impact of 'why' and 'what happens'...

I found this: link. It is very interesting and seems to verify that the act will not help you feel better, but will in fact delay healing and possible intensify the pain.

I also stumbled into a whitepaper on exactly this subject...

Abstract: People expect to reap hedonic rewards when they punish an offender, but in at least some instances, revenge has hedonic consequences that are precisely opposite to those that people expect.

Three studies showed that: (a) one reason for this is that people who punish continue to ruminate about the offender, whereas those who do not punish "move on" and think less about the offender, and; (b) people fail to appreciate the different affective consequences of witnessing and instigating punishment.


Full paper: Here
Credit: Carlsmith, Kevin M., Wilson, Timothy and Gilbert, Daniel, The Paradoxical Consequences of Revenge. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Forthcoming

They are worth taking the time to read, everything I read about the 'psychology of revenge' and the 'psychology of justice' (google it yourself, dig around a bit) seem to give resounding "no's and dont's" to both your questions. In the end, you will not satisfy the need or regret you feel in your soul and it's quite likely you will end up feeling worse than you feel now.

This is my take on it. You are the BS. If it makes you feel better....do it. Its just that simple.
See but that's the trick. She Instinctively think's it will make her feel better, but it won't.

*edit* those links go into detail and aren't the easiest read, but I hope they help.

Wishing you both well, ~Pit~
 

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I tend to think that karma is already working for you. The OW was a hit and run in your marriage & seems to be moving along just fine in her life, as far as you know. But the fact that you and your H are working hard to rebuild things shows that your relationship is the serious one. Yours is the one that deserves to last. It's the real love. Real love takes work and nurturing and isn't always easy. She may have the easy job, because she never had the real thing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I tend to think that karma is already working for you. The OW was a hit and run in your marriage & seems to be moving along just fine in her life, as far as you know. But the fact that you and your H are working hard to rebuild things shows that your relationship is the serious one. Yours is the one that deserves to last. It's the real love. Real love takes work and nurturing and isn't always easy. She may have the easy job, because she never had the real thing.
You are right.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I started doing some research into your questions and the psychological impact of 'why' and 'what happens'...

I found this: link. It is very interesting and seems to verify that the act will not help you feel better, but will in fact delay healing and possible intensify the pain.

I also stumbled into a whitepaper on exactly this subject...

Abstract: People expect to reap hedonic rewards when they punish an offender, but in at least some instances, revenge has hedonic consequences that are precisely opposite to those that people expect.

Three studies showed that: (a) one reason for this is that people who punish continue to ruminate about the offender, whereas those who do not punish "move on" and think less about the offender, and; (b) people fail to appreciate the different affective consequences of witnessing and instigating punishment.


Full paper: Here
Credit: Carlsmith, Kevin M., Wilson, Timothy and Gilbert, Daniel, The Paradoxical Consequences of Revenge. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Forthcoming

They are worth taking the time to read, everything I read about the 'psychology of revenge' and the 'psychology of justice' (google it yourself, dig around a bit) seem to give resounding "no's and dont's" to both your questions. In the end, you will not satisfy the need or regret you feel in your soul and it's quite likely you will end up feeling worse than you feel now.



See but that's the trick. She Instinctively think's it will make her feel better, but it won't.

*edit* those links go into detail and aren't the easiest read, but I hope they help.

Wishing you both well, ~Pit~
Pit - thanks - another voice of reason. I hate this infidelity crap though! There were a lot of good points I was going to take out and post here...but just too many. I know the OW is a miserable soul....I wish knowing that in itself was enough at times, ya know?
 

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I think your just transferring the anger with your husband to the OW. I think getting revenge (you called it causing some karma?) is never a good idea. It was your husbands choice to cheat. He's the one who you should be angry with.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
It was his choice to cheat. But what she did above and beyond - I have reason to be angry with her. I have had plenty of anger with my husband for cheating. I have come to terms with that.
 

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I think your just transferring the anger with your husband to the OW. I think getting revenge (you called it causing some karma?) is never a good idea. It was your husbands choice to cheat. He's the one who you should be angry with.
Im pretty sure she's held his feet to the fire over and over.
 

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It was his choice to cheat. But what she did above and beyond - I have reason to be angry with her. I have had plenty of anger with my husband for cheating. I have come to terms with that.
yeah, its like your kids the only thing that keeps you from losing your mind with them is the fact that you love them....now the neighbors kids....

same principle here. She loves her H so she can forgive him. She has no reason to do so with OW. I totally get that. Doesnt mean she doesnt understand his fault in this. Not at all.
 
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