It's a sad state of affairs when we have to use a term like "trust too much." Seems trust should be an absolute, but it's just not. What percentage of trust is appropriate?
We're good people and that was our downfall...
After being on this forum for awhile, I have come to the realization maybe we were all too good? We trusted too much and our WS's ran with that and took advantage of it. I dunno... Looking back I feel like I gave him too much freedom, let him go out with his friends without question. I was just too easy to cheat on. Maybe I should have made him more accountable in this family? Just thinking out loud! :scratchhead:
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You're totally right. We're supposed to trust our spouse, but looking at all of us on here... I dunno know anymore.It's a sad state of affairs when we have to use a term like "trust too much." Seems trust should be an absolute, but it's just not. What percentage of trust is appropriate?
I don't think so. The fault is inside the cheater, not the bs, and it is usually invisible. You don't know who will make that particular mistake and who won't in the same circumstance. Many will, many won't, both are normal.
Lets look at it this way, if you had curtailed his freedom and had held him accountable, he still could've used the reason that you were controlling to justify his affair.After being on this forum for awhile, I have come to the realization maybe we were all too good? We trusted too much and our WS's ran with that and took advantage of it. I dunno... Looking back I feel like I gave him too much freedom, let him go out with his friends without question. I was just too easy to cheat on. Maybe I should have made him more accountable in this family? Just thinking out loud! :scratchhead:
I wouldn't say I was too good. More like indifferent. Not hard to sneak something by someone who doesn't even acknowledge your existence.
We're supposed to trust our spouses because that's what married people are supposed to do. It's sad that the WS takes advantage of it and do what they do, leaving us betrayed spouses with issues of ever trusting anyone again. Sad.
That's exactly right. Why would you marry someone if you didn't feel you could trust them completely?We're supposed to trust our spouses because that's what married people are supposed to do. It's sad that the WS takes advantage of it and do what they do, leaving us betrayed spouses with issues of ever trusting anyone again. Sad.
If you didn't, what kind of fool would you be?
I've pondered this same question for many months. Did we trust too much? Or are we married to completely selfish people? Would our actions or behavior stopped our WS's from straying if we did not trust so much?
For me, trust was just "there" after 23 years of being together. It wasn't something I ever questioned. It was a given. (makes me sick to even think about it now).
But no, I will not say he strayed because I trusted too much. I will say I am the fool though, for being so trusting.
And it will never be the same again.
In R, but will never trust blindly, will never have the same faith in my H. But would suspect that even if we parted, and if I were to find someone else, I'd have the same perspective.
The sad truth I've learned after a few decades, is that the only person I can trust is myself. Period.
For me, trust was just "there" after 23 years of being together. It wasn't something I ever questioned. It was a given. (makes me sick to even think about it now).
But no, I will not say he strayed because I trusted too much. I will say I am the fool though, for being so trusting.
And it will never be the same again.
In R, but will never trust blindly, will never have the same faith in my H. But would suspect that even if we parted, and if I were to find someone else, I'd have the same perspective.
The sad truth I've learned after a few decades, is that the only person I can trust is myself. Period.
Being a betrayed spouse I can say i was not to good...in fact I was criminal in what I did to my WW, but the fact remains that healthy marriages just like unhealthy marriages will have infidelity.
It all boils down to how the wayward deals with there own sh1t.
For examble pushing my wife around was criminal and she had every right to leave but instead, stayed and slept around. were as some folks go above and behond being a good spouse and still get screwed over.
As betrayed spouse's its not us ....its them and how the wayward deal with there own crap. Thats my $0.02
Again, no matter what, being good poeple or not .....its them not us!!!!!!!
It all boils down to how the wayward deals with there own sh1t.
For examble pushing my wife around was criminal and she had every right to leave but instead, stayed and slept around. were as some folks go above and behond being a good spouse and still get screwed over.
As betrayed spouse's its not us ....its them and how the wayward deal with there own crap. Thats my $0.02
Again, no matter what, being good poeple or not .....its them not us!!!!!!!
When my wife had her affair I was shattered and blamed her 100%.We're supposed to trust our spouses because that's what married people are supposed to do. It's sad that the WS takes advantage of it and do what they do, leaving us betrayed spouses with issues of ever trusting anyone again. Sad.
I stayed for the children, and later in my loneliness I developed feelings for someone else. I didn't plan to, I didn't know how to handle it. It gave me a new appreciation for how she had fallen into infidelity.
I was lucky that my potential OW was a moral person and no impropriety was possible, my wife was unlucky that the person she developed feelings for was a horny young male who felt no guilt trying to get into her pants regardless of the impact to her long term future and family.
But if I can't trust her I can't trust myself.
And I've known her 30 years now...the affair was 22 years ago. She is one of the most decent, moral and caring people I know, and more worthy of trust than anyone else I know, including me.
Doesn't mean I'm not sad sometimes, but this is the real world. Nobody said it was meant to be easy.
wow..right there with you Joe on this one.I wouldn't say I was too good. More like indifferent. Not hard to sneak something by someone who doesn't even acknowledge your existence.
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I think the majority of people get married and plan to stay faithful to their spouse. Not trusting that your husband or wife will remain faithful to you for the life of your marriage doesn't usually enter your mind; at least it didn't in mine. My STBX and I had the "model" marriage. We really did have things together at one time. Put each other first and we had the us against the world thinking. Before we knew it though, we had stopped working on the marriage.
I know for a fact-because he told me-that he did not set out to have an inappropriate relationship with anyone. Our marriage was fracturing and she was there to listen to him so he shut me out.
I think with all relationships, marriage or even dating exclusively is a leap of faith. Moving forward, I know I have a new awareness of what can happen and how some parts of a relationship are so fragile and need attention and care.
I know for a fact-because he told me-that he did not set out to have an inappropriate relationship with anyone. Our marriage was fracturing and she was there to listen to him so he shut me out.
I think with all relationships, marriage or even dating exclusively is a leap of faith. Moving forward, I know I have a new awareness of what can happen and how some parts of a relationship are so fragile and need attention and care.
I think about this matter every day.
There's a french saying: Trop bon, trop con. Meaning: Too nice, too dumb.
I really believe that all the fault lies inside the cheater, no matter what circumstances led to cheating but I definetly won't look at people the same way, I did. I know it's wrong to generalize but it isn't something I can control.
Trust is a binary thing, in my opinion. So either you trust, or you don't. So from now on, I'll give people the benefit of the doubt, but the doubt will always be there.
There's a french saying: Trop bon, trop con. Meaning: Too nice, too dumb.
I really believe that all the fault lies inside the cheater, no matter what circumstances led to cheating but I definetly won't look at people the same way, I did. I know it's wrong to generalize but it isn't something I can control.
Trust is a binary thing, in my opinion. So either you trust, or you don't. So from now on, I'll give people the benefit of the doubt, but the doubt will always be there.
Exactly right.I think the majority of people get married and plan to stay faithful to their spouse. Not trusting that your husband or wife will remain faithful to you for the life of your marriage doesn't usually enter your mind; at least it didn't in mine. My STBX and I had the "model" marriage. We really did have things together at one time. Put each other first and we had the us against the world thinking. Before we knew it though, we had stopped working on the marriage.
I know for a fact-because he told me-that he did not set out to have an inappropriate relationship with anyone. Our marriage was fracturing and she was there to listen to him so he shut me out.
I think with all relationships, marriage or even dating exclusively is a leap of faith. Moving forward, I know I have a new awareness of what can happen and how some parts of a relationship are so fragile and need attention and care.
To me this was key with reconciling with my wife. I either had to take the leap of faith with her again, or with someone else (or stay alone).
I judged she was a better than average risk, and that we could avoid a repeat of the mistakes. So far so good.
Mind you it was a long process to get to that point! When I first stayed it was for the kids and I didn't trust her at all.
I agree with bjorn free and wazza, no matter what we could've done, it could've still happened because we can't control anyone but ourselves. We can choose to rebuild the marriage with our repentant spouses or with a new stranger that possibly could cheat.? That's one reason i stayed in my marriage, the risk is lower that my h will cheat again, especially if we stay in tune to each other. We learned how to be married. Who wants to start over with an unlearned person? Going through infidelity is traumatic, can't imagine going through it again.
I like your user name. Says it all really.I agree with bjorn free and wazza, no matter what we could've done, it could've still happened because we can't control anyone but ourselves. We can choose to rebuild the marriage with our repentant spouses or with a new stranger that possibly could cheat.? That's one reason i stayed in my marriage, the risk is lower that my h will cheat again, especially if we stay in tune to each other. We learned how to be married. Who wants to start over with an unlearned person? Going through infidelity is traumatic, can't imagine going through it again.
Hurting badly,
You gave freedom to him and it was your good nature.
He cheated and it was his bad nature.
Even if you had been strict with him, he could have found ways to cheat.
Now that you know about lies, even from the close ones, you will remain vigilant in future. Hard lesson, indeed.
You gave freedom to him and it was your good nature.
He cheated and it was his bad nature.
Even if you had been strict with him, he could have found ways to cheat.
Now that you know about lies, even from the close ones, you will remain vigilant in future. Hard lesson, indeed.
Yep, I'm no longer naive.Hurting badly,
You gave freedom to him and it was your good nature.
He cheated and it was his bad nature.
Even if you had been strict with him, he could have found ways to cheat.
Now that you know about lies, even from the close ones, you will remain vigilant in future. Hard lesson, indeed.
I agree, and I did the same, and I feel the same as you.After being on this forum for awhile, I have come to the realization maybe we were all too good? We trusted too much and our WS's ran with that and took advantage of it. I dunno... Looking back I feel like I gave him too much freedom, let him go out with his friends without question. I was just too easy to cheat on. Maybe I should have made him more accountable in this family? Just thinking out loud! :scratchhead:
In one book on infidelity I remember a case history reported in which a doctor who was cheating on his loyal loving very unsuspiscious supportive wife, actually admitted in counseling that his wife made it "too darn easy to cheat".
Also, recent university studies on "mate guarding" a nice way to say suspiscious and posessive and watchful of the spouse's free time, are cheated on faaaaar less, than spouses that give their spouse too much freedom for Boys or girls nights out or men or girl's only trips.
My brothers used to warn me too, that I was giving my spouse too much freedom.
Still, I do think that there has to be some character flaw in the cheater for them to take advantage of a loving easygoing spouse, and think it is okay.
Also, perhaps some of the personality disordered cheaters actually pick a naive, easy going spouse knowing they eventually intend to cheat and are hoping it will be easier to get away with it.
The mate gaurding research flies in the face or earlier claims that being too posessive will drive a mate away.
I think, in my case, following that advice, was partially enabled my STBEH to cheat.
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