Well

Over the weekend I have come to terms with the fact that he never really loved me at all, ever. I was his rebound relationship, he took what he needed and when the time came, he discarded me without a second thought. I have a strange sense of ease right now, because of all the signs I saw in the past now make sense to me. I was the stupid one, holding on to things I thought was love, when in reality it was illusions, false, not real. I thought I could help him and in return, he'd love me forever, which wasn't even close to being true. The excuses he gave me for leaving were just that, excuses. If he had truly loved me, we could of worked things out. He was looking for an out, and he used whatever he could.

I've come to the realization that I won't be dating for a long while, I'm in the process of getting my life together, looking for a new place to live closer to family, going to go back to school and take care of my kids. I'm sure sometime in the close future, I will begin with therapy again, and figure out why I attract the men that I do. I can't do this again, I really can't expose my children to yet another failed relationship, it isn't fair to them and it isn't fair to me.

I know I'm not entirely innocent, I know I did things wrong, I'm sloppy, the house and yard suck, my kids can be chaotic, and I'm just so tired all the time. But I was trying to change, I really was. The sad thing is, he didn't try or communicate his displeasure with things, so I started thinking I was doing okay. But all he did was make secret plans to move out without even saying "Hey, you know this isn't working out, I think we need to part ways" Yeah it sucks, but it would of been better then what I got. If I wouldn't of found that receipt, he'd still be here, pretending to love me. And that really makes me feel sad and used and not worthy of the truth.

I know I'll be okay, it just hurts to know that I wasn't worth the truth and everything I've done in the past year and a half makes no difference at all. I really loved him, and I wish he could of loved me too.

Well, I'm sure no one really cares, but thanks for reading.

Thank you for the links, Kathy. They did open my eyes and that's exactly what I did. I thought that it was a good thing to lose myself completely in a relationship (I've never done that before, my marriage certainly wasn't like that, I had friends and did things on my own. I think it's because I felt comfortable and trusted him and felt safe, that I could be me). Never again though, never again will I do that. It was wrong and unfair to myself and to him too.

The more I've thought about it, it's not that the relationship ending that was causing a lot of the grief, it was the lies. He was never really a trustworthy person, he was always secretive and did a lot of things that caused my trust to plummet. Even when things were at their best, I still had problems trusting him, which caused my anxiety to skyrocket, and that created a lot of issues. Well at least I know I can go to bed at night knowing that I was honest with him, loved him and tried my best for a while. I didn't use him and was truly commited to him.

I just feel like I was crapped on and that the love I had for him was thrown back in my face. But at least today, I don't feel awful about it ending and I'm ready to live a good life. My kids, my friends and my family have been amazing through this and I know sometime down the road I will find a man who loves me for me and treats me like I matter to him. That was all I was looking for back when I had started dating, was a partner, and I feel I got screwed out of the time. But that was my own fault for not running from the begining, which is what I should of done.

But today is a good day, I feel good. I don't feel down and I like me again. Not worrying about what's going on? What have I done to deserve this treatment? When is he going to stop punishing me for whatever he thinks I did wrong? All those questions have stopped, and I just feel good now.

I still miss him and I do still love him. I don't wish anything bad on him. Part of me wishes I could hate him so I could just be done and over with it. But it does still sadden me when I think of it and what I would of liked. I wanted to grow old with him and to share a life with him, but it really wasn't a healthy relationship.

Again, I am not blaming him for the entirety of the relationship failing, I own my part in it. I know where I went wrong and what I need to do to fix this part of my life. It won't happen over night, but I think I can do it. Oh well, life goes on.

I've found a house that I'm interested in, so hoping that will go through. My kids and I need to get out of the place we're at, I really want to move closer to where I am originally from. I am going out with some friends this weekend and have a Halloween party next weekend to go to. Getting back in touch with some of my high school friends was a good idea, and we're all going to try to do something a couple of times a month.

Well enough of my book. This has really helped and I do appreciate the comments. Thank you all.