Over the weekend I have come to terms with the fact that he never really loved me at all, ever. I was his rebound relationship, he took what he needed and when the time came, he discarded me without a second thought. I have a strange sense of ease right now, because of all the signs I saw in the past now make sense to me. I was the stupid one, holding on to things I thought was love, when in reality it was illusions, false, not real. I thought I could help him and in return, he'd love me forever, which wasn't even close to being true. The excuses he gave me for leaving were just that, excuses. If he had truly loved me, we could of worked things out. He was looking for an out, and he used whatever he could.
I've come to the realization that I won't be dating for a long while, I'm in the process of getting my life together, looking for a new place to live closer to family, going to go back to school and take care of my kids. I'm sure sometime in the close future, I will begin with therapy again, and figure out why I attract the men that I do. I can't do this again, I really can't expose my children to yet another failed relationship, it isn't fair to them and it isn't fair to me.
I know I'm not entirely innocent, I know I did things wrong, I'm sloppy, the house and yard suck, my kids can be chaotic, and I'm just so tired all the time. But I was trying to change, I really was. The sad thing is, he didn't try or communicate his displeasure with things, so I started thinking I was doing okay. But all he did was make secret plans to move out without even saying "Hey, you know this isn't working out, I think we need to part ways" Yeah it sucks, but it would of been better then what I got. If I wouldn't of found that receipt, he'd still be here, pretending to love me. And that really makes me feel sad and used and not worthy of the truth.
I know I'll be okay, it just hurts to know that I wasn't worth the truth and everything I've done in the past year and a half makes no difference at all. I really loved him, and I wish he could of loved me too.
Well, I'm sure no one really cares, but thanks for reading.