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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I told myself that I was going to make some changes in 2013, either I was going to work harder at trusting and not worrying or I was going to walk away from the marriage because living like this is horrible!! The constant worry, stress, feeling like you mean nothing to someone that you have given everything to. Its no way to live.

I have continued to "snoop" on my WH thru his work emails. On Mondays he gets an expense report for what he put on his company cc the week before. I see there is a lunch at a chinese restaurant for two and its in the city thats half way between WH and POSOW. So of course it upsets me because I instantly think he met her there for lunch the day after Christmas (he was a grinch for a month leading up to Christmas because of finances but after we opened up presents he was fine and seems normal again). Also the day after Christmas 3 years ago when he said he wanted to come home he also went to eat chinese with POSOW. So that was a huge trigger. I decided that I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt because I didnt have solid proof and if I asked he would lie and be mad that I was snooping. I tried that but it affected my mood, I had been in a good mood most of the day but then seeing that it all shifted. He noticed all night and was equally put off but kept asking me what my problem was, why the mood swing, etc. I just said I was fine (biggest lie anyone ever told).

This morning we got up and I printed some stuff from here about what a BS goes through and how HE can help. I asked him to read it and told him that I wanted a happier new year and that if something didnt change that we wouldnt be married this time next year. He rolled his eyes, read it and then drew a few long breaths after the first page. I asked why and he said "it said to take a few deep breaths" so he was just being a sarcastic *******. I told him if it burdened him to read it then to stop and I'd take that for an answer. He stopped and threw it at my face. I told him to look at the bright side of things that atleast he had a place to go now because his BFF and his W are divorcing and she just moved out.

He got up stormed upstairs and got dressed, said he was done and leaving. I told him if he left he wasnt coming back. He said he was sick of me being a snooping ***** but when I tried to tell him WHY Im like that he doesnt want to hear it. He left the house with nothing and said that he'd tell me like BFF's W told him "I'll get my F'in stuff when I want to get my F'in stuff".

I did what I shouldnt have done and after he left I sobbed like a baby and then tried to text him and call him over and over. He was ignoring me every time. Finally I texted him and said that if he was done to just say so and I'd leave him alone. I called again and he answered. We argued because I snoop and dont trust and he doesnt want to live like that. He doesnt want to try to understand WHY or how I feel about it at all. He said a few times that we should just end things and I would say things like he never really cared when he came home anyway, or that I have done all the hard work the last three years while he can do what he wants and that I feel worthless to him. He said if thats how I feel then maybe we should split so I'd feel better. He always puts is back on me. He just told me last week that he wants me in his life and this week he acts like he hates me? At the end of the conversation I told him that he does things that make me think he's not being honest, like deleting all his text messages. ( I dont touch his phone and didnt know he did this til the other day I said I had texted him and he went to look at his texts but there was nothing there. I asked why he deletes my texts, he doesnt have to delete MINE and he said he always deletes texts and emails cause he doesnt like things cluttered up) I want to think he is hiding stuff thats why but I also know that he is a neat freak. When I brought up the texts being erased he went off and said "you know what Im done, I have always done that and Im not going to explain to you why I do things if thats the way I want to do them". I told him that was fine and to tell his ***** hi for me. He stopped and said "are you serious". I told him very , what did it matter anyway, we are done.

He literally doesnt care what he has put me through. He wants me to be happy and perfect all the time and someone he wants to be with when he can be anyway he wants to be and I have to settle. I know in the long run I would be better off without him the way he is now, he's so negative BUT....

MY HEART HURTS!! And I cant stop crying.

I feel stupid for being so upset, for trying so hard for 3 years to keep this together when he doesnt seem to care. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but doesnt want to live like this. Why cant he see that HE could do things differently and make me feel different....because he doesnt care thats why!

He left with nothing and Im not sure where he is or when he will be back. I hung up on him after he said he was done.

So Happy Freaking New Year to me!! Hope everyone elses is going better then mine!
 

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LetDown

My words can't possibly convey how so very sorry I am to hear this.

I know it took so much courage for you to do what you did. But I think you know you did the right thing. It's easy for us "out here" to tell you to leave him & good riddance to bad rubbish type of stuff (all of which are true).

But you have invested so much time, both in good and bad years in this relationship that it is far, far, different to KNOW what is right and to ACT on it.

I'm sure you are beside yourself with anger, rage, pain, and mostly fear.

It's a human reaction. Embrace it for the time being. Embrace your children. Gather whatever strength you can.

This is the first day of the new year. You have many days to come, some will undoubtedly be filled with sorrow and pain.

But before long, and little by little, you will heal. You WILL be a stronger person. Emotionally and spiritually.

I send you strength, courage, and a sense of peace.
 

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I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like he has never put forth any effort because you were willing to do it all for the both of you. You know that won't work in the long run. He needs to hold up his end because it takes two in a marriage. My suggestion is to do what Daisygirl did and stop chasing him. Turn your back and work on things that make you happy. Get yourself in a better place without him. Maybe some day he will look back and decide what a real sh!t he has been and come back to you. But if you keep chasing him he will keep running away from you and his responsibilities. You deserve to make yourself happy for a change. You deserve no less.
 

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So sorry you are going through all this today,but all the signs say he is still cheating on you. He's defensive,accusatory and gas lighting you.
If you were truly reconciling then there is no question that there should be full transparency and you shouldn't be made to feel like you are 'snooping'.

I know you are hurting, you need to look after yourself now and put his needs second to your own.
Read up on the 180 and put what you can into practice.
You deserve more than this, you are worth more, make this the year that you put yourself first!
D
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I am so sorry to hear this. I feel for you!
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks for everyones comments. I just feel like the last three years of hell have been a total waste of time. I know he has issues, lots of them, but the biggest is that he's selfish and just doesnt care about what his actions do to others.

After 22 years with someone it hurts to know they can just walk away from you like YOU are evil and cut you down all the way out the door!

I just wanna quit crying but it just hurts to know that someone can think so little of you and not recognize what you have gone through FOR THEM!
 

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I'm so sorry you're in such pain. He never gives you a break, does he?

I know you don't want to believe it, but there's a good chance that he in fact did have lunch with the OW the day after Christmas. Given his attitude, you have no reason not to believe it.

You aren't ready to let go because you still love him, but love is a balance of good and bad. There are always things about people and relationships that weigh in the negative column. When he has tipped the scales one time too many, you will be ready to kick him out and not look back.

I pray for you, LD, that that time comes sooner rather than later.

For now, take things one hour at a time. Make a plan for each bit of each day and then try hard to focus on the plan.

We're all sending you vibes for a new year that ends up better than the way this one has started.
 

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Not only did he walk out the door like the cur he is. He said some very hurtful things.

When he comes back. And you know he will. Be prepared for him to act in any of these ways:
1- like nothing happened
2- indifferent
3- argumentative and accusatory
4- (least likely) ready to have a rational conversation on the state and future of your marriage.

Prepare yourself emotionally for all.

strength
 

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LetDown
You have a caring and gentle soul. It is a great gift, a true asset in a loving committed relationship . But I think that in your marriage it has been a tool used by your husband as a pass in owning his failings in your marriage.

Keep your gentle and caring spirit. Don't let anyone change that.
 

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3 years is a long time to live like that. I think you have more than tried to save your marriage, and need now to realize its probably time to move on for the sake of your mental well being and happiness.
 
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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thank you everyone. I took the kids to the mall, we got some lunch and looked around and every step of the way was miserable. I dont like the mall much anyway but it was like I was forcing myself to do something. Before we left the mall (it had been 3 hours since I hung up on him) I texted asking him if he was coming to get his stuff anytime soon. He said NOPE. I said "so what is your plan" he said "I dont have one as of yet". I said "u told me 3 hours ago we are done and you dont know what you are doing" He says "Sure Barb in 3 hours I can secure a plan and just come and get my ****". I told him that I didnt wanna be here when he came to so please let me know.

We are home now. I wanna just go to bed but I know its not over. He will have to come get his stuff for tomorrow or he will come get it all, I dont know. Wait, he wont get it all. Its already late and he will just leave it until he is ready, cause you know its all about him!

I figure he is going to come in and act like nothing is wrong, say something lame like lets start over. Which I think is BS that he's been gone the last 7 hours and he thinks he is just going to waltz in and I have no idea where he is or what he's been doing. Then again, he might fool me and not even come in tonight.

I know that I need to not care but its really stressing me out wondering what hes doing and if he's gonna show up here. Its not going to be fun, Im sure.
 

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Sounds to me that, after 3 long years of no real reconciliation, you are tired of being in a relationship without trust.

I didn't say "marriage without trust" because there is no such thing.

You don't have a marriage.

It also sounds like you don't have the guts to D. So take baby steps. Start with a physical separation. Draw up legal separation papers, and separate. You need clarity, and will never have it while living with him.

Time to make a bold move for you. Start the year off right.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I texted him because I didnt want to sit here waiting the bomb to explode and not be prepared. Asked if he was coming home tonight, he said no, I asked where he was staying, he said he was at his friends then, and that he didnt know, why. I said I just wondered. He said "I really dont want to deal with your **** tonight. I didnt say our marriage meant so little (I had said that before that I dont understand why he acts like it means so little). I am tired of being accused of ****. Just tired right now and dont want to argue with you" So I replied and told him that we argue because he cant talk about anything. He gets angry and goes off. I told him I wasnt chasing him anymore, he needed to do what makes him happy but that I think after 22 years together our marriage should mean more to him then it does.

I know I shouldnt be texting him, I shouldnt care. I wanna kick my own ass honestly, its just so hard. The kids keep asking me if dad is coming home and I dont know what to even tell them. All they know is that he left here slamming doors with not a word to them.
 

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Be the good mom you are. Your blood pressure must be sky high today so be sure you get plenty of rest as you can. Reassure the kids that they are loved.

I know sleep will not come easy but when it does you can sleep the sleep of the just.
 

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I'm sorry but it sounds to me like he will never change... sometimes the obstacles in front of us are too great, and the best decision is an alternate route. If R has not been the right path, maybe D is... Either way something different needs to happen; what has been done does not seem to have worked.

He seems awful negative and hurtful in his words too -- far too much so for a BS to put up with. Don't let him talk to you like that!
 

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Hi Letdown,
I feel so bad for you. You really should have given up on him long ago. You deserve better.

Quit with the phone and start to plan a life without him.
Find meaning without him.
Work on your kids lives without him.
Expand your friendships without him.
Exercise without him.
Be happy without him.

What your doing is not working so change it. I know youre invested but you have to "stop the bleeding" and regroup with a different plan. This plan is for you not him.

I'm thinking al kinds of positive thoughts your way.
 

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Yor doing what many people do, he pulls away, you get anxious and chase him in a effort to self sooth. Understand that he will never respond in a way that will heal your wounds. No matter how many times you text him, his response or lack of one will just inflame you and add to your anxiety.

You do not feel safe in this marriage and your attempts to repair the betrayal are not working. He is broken so of course he can't help mend.

Take a step back and really listen to your voice...180 180 180...whenever your tempted to text, find another outlet.
 
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