[Rowan]

Don't know why, but that song phrase has been ringing in my head all night like the most obnoxious earworm ever. It's even more annoying than that time I had She Blinded Me with Science in my head for three solid days during finals (science major, here). It's probably so bad this time because I actually do feel like I've been kicked in the head.

After a rocky 2 years of working at R, my husband finally admitted last night that he had not only been in love with the OW he had the 3 year EA with, but he had also - concurrently - been sexting with a woman at work and had a "one night stand" (that he kept in touch with for several months afterward) with a woman he picked up in a bar while he was on an out of town trip related to his main hobby. He'd also "flirted a little bit" with two other women. Several of his friends have known all the details this whole time.

He told me - when I came back after vomitting - that he actually felt like a weight had been lifted off of his chest now that he'd been honest.

But me? I've been kicked in the head.

I've been dragging this man uphill toward R for TWO FREAKIN' YEARS trying to salvage our marriage after what I thought was one EA, and now I find out that it was all a great big lie. He can't understand why I think the news that there were actually 3 OW - that he's confessed to - has set us back to day one on R. There was even some minor harping about how we weren't communicating at the time, he felt I didn't care about him or our marriage, and that he's changed so much since then. He had the nerve to say "this is why I don't tell you things, you don't handle the truth well." How well did he expect me to take it? Seriously? He's looked me in the eyes every single day for over two years, not to mention all the time while the EA was ongoing, and lied to me without flinching. Every. Single. Day. And I'm the one causing problems because I'm not handling it like he thinks I ought to?

wtf?

So, here I sit at work, going about my day, after having D-Day 3 last night. I'm just sort of numb. Last night I was sick, upset, gravely hurt. I even told him that I really just hated him right then. But today I'm just numb. Oh, and bitter.

I knew he was clueless. I knew he was foggy for a really long time. I knew he was self-centered. But 2 more OW with additional flirtations? And he could finally tell me because of "how far we've come in improving our marriage" and I "shouldn't let this mess up all the progress we've made."

W.T.F?!?!

 

[Hope1964]

I hate to tell you this, but there's probably even more

I am so sorry you are going though this. No one should have to. It sucks a lot. A LOT.

Are you in IC or MC? Are there books you've been reading at all? Are you eating and taking care of yourself?

After my second D day I spent three days crying and completely numb. I was driving to work one morning and realized I had no recollection of the actual drive or how I got to where I was. Scary.

 

[Sbrown]

Working on R for two years? Wow

 

[Rowan]

Hope, we did a solid 8 months of MC together between D-Day 1 and D-Day 2. I did IC with our MC for another 6 months after that.

I've read pretty much every reputable book on infidelity, relationships and marriage. I've worked on myself a lot. I changed the things I needed to about myself in order to find emotional health and get my self esteem back. I stopped being a doormat and began insisting that he actually participate in married and family life. We began having date nights again routinely.

Two months ago I finally convinced H to work through the Marriage Builder program. We started reading Love Busters at night and talking about the book in relation to our marriage. It was actually helping and things were noticeably better. The change was apparent even in his communications with others that he didn't know I was monitoring. We got to the chapter about healing after infidelity last night, and he decided that in the spirit of radical honesty, it was time to come clean.

I did want him to be honest. I did need to know everything. But I needed that 2 years ago. It's so much worse to know he kept lying for all this time. It just makes every inch we've gained toward R into a farce.

 

[canttrustu]

Holy Moly! They just dont get it do they? He is a serial cheater. Youre not handling it well????? Well the good news is HE feels better.....uuggghhhh. Im so sorry.

 

[Zanna]

He blamed the fact that he was a coward for two years on you? I'm so sorry.

He probably waited until the M was in better shape because he knew it would be harder for you to leave. BUT he forgot to consider how damaging it would be once you did find out and how it would affect the level of trust again. So sad.

He may have stopped cheating but he's still selfish and he's still a blameshifter. I wouldn't know what to do with that either.

 

[turnera]

And he could finally tell me because of "how far we've come in improving our marriage" and I "shouldn't let this mess up all the progress we've made."

W.T.F?!?!

Uh...WHAT progress of WHAT marriage?

You have a sham of a marriage that is a CONVENIENCE for your husband.

You deserve better.

Help him pack.

 

[turnera]

Two months ago I finally convinced H to work through the Marriage Builder program.

That right there is your problem, IMO.

You had to CONVINCE the CHEATER to work on the marriage.

Yet here you were, still WITH him, when he obviously had no care for improving the marriage.

Why should he?

You're still there.

He finally felt 'safe' enough to tell you because, by now, you've proven to him that you'll never leave him, no matter what he does. If you do nothing, his next step will be to tell you that he really really wants to try out a threesome, since you're so 'understanding' of him.

 

[turnera]

It's so much worse to know he kept CHEATING for all this time. It just makes every inch we've gained toward R into a farce.

Lying is an omission. Cheating is a CHOICE. And don't kid yourself; it wasn't just years ago.

 

[Numb in Ohio]

So sorry to hear this for you.. I can understand you being numb and bitter.

This as you say is a major set back in R.
I myself would have to question his remorse and commitment through these 2 years.

I have not followed your story however, so all I can do is offer you prayers and thoughts to heal, in whichever direction that takes you.

(((Hugs)))

 

[kipani]

Rowan, you need to get the full truth from him. By not fighting. He has to be wholly honest. The fact that he came forward to you means that he's at least making an effort. I'm not taking this guys side, I think he's a *********, I'm just saying.. Don't flip out. If you don't flip out, you'll find out everything, and then you'll be able to decide what you want to do.

I am so so sorry for you, and so sorry to hear this from you. 3 women though.. I don't think I'd be able to recover from that. I'm having trouble getting over an EA..

 

[StagesOfGrief]

Ha, yeah I feel you on that one my STBXW said that to me after her like 4th/5th version of the story and said it was a "relief that it was all in the open now"...

i pretty much wanted to jump off the balcony (figure of speech).


Sorry that you are here again. I don't understand why the WS doesnt comprehend how brutal it is to hear a new piece of the story. Every piece that is new, starts you over.

Has this changed your view on R or are you done?

 

[badbane]

That's one helluva Trickle Truthing SOB. I would kick him out until the words. "you're not handling things properly are out of his vocabulary" I wish that you were getting past the numb part and to the question asking part. LIke why did it take him two years to admit this? How much can I really trust him? I know you love the guy but are you happy with all of this. Are you sure he will never do it again. I mean I'd have him served with D papers so he could get a kick in the head. Just so he knows how precarious of a position he is really in.

 

[canttrustu]

There's trickle truthing and then theres TRICKLE BOMBING!!!! Holy Moses.

 

[MattMatt]

Hope, we did a solid 8 months of MC together between D-Day 1 and D-Day 2. I did IC with our MC for another 6 months after that.

I've read pretty much every reputable book on infidelity, relationships and marriage. I've worked on myself a lot. I changed the things I needed to about myself in order to find emotional health and get my self esteem back. I stopped being a doormat and began insisting that he actually participate in married and family life. We began having date nights again routinely.

Two months ago I finally convinced H to work through the Marriage Builder program. We started reading Love Busters at night and talking about the book in relation to our marriage. It was actually helping and things were noticeably better. The change was apparent even in his communications with others that he didn't know I was monitoring. We got to the chapter about healing after infidelity last night, and he decided that in the spirit of radical honesty, it was time to come clean.

I did want him to be honest. I did need to know everything. But I needed that 2 years ago. It's so much worse to know he kept lying for all this time. It just makes every inch we've gained toward R into a farce.

What a pity you and he did not have that resource back then.

This is a horrible situation for you. Sorry you are going through it.

 

[Rowan]

We're going to spend some time talking tonight after our son goes to bed. Hard to have a real conversation anywhere in the house with a 12 year old boy around. I have a number of questions that he still hasn't answered. It's like starting completely over in dealing with each affair. As if the last 2 years had never happened.

He's known for some time now that our marriage wasn't substantially better by the end of the year that I was done. I'm not really sure where his new revelations leave me right now. I have a child, so I can't afford snap decisions. But, I honestly don't know if I can continue being married to someone that I have no faith I will ever be able to trust out of my direct sight. I also don't know if he will be able to accept the conditions I will need to move forward. He's always been very resistant to and resentful of anything he views as even mildly controlling.

 

[turnera]

He's always been very resistant to and resentful of anything he views as even mildly controlling.

Then he's never really been remorseful. He's never put himself in your shoes and tried to feel your pain. It's always really been just about him.

Not a great start.

Maybe he could use a few months on his own, to realize what he's about to throw away?

 

[Rowan]

Then he's never really been remorseful. He's never put himself in your shoes and tried to feel your pain. It's always really been just about him.

Not a great start.

Maybe he could use a few months on his own, to realize what he's about to throw away?

This became very apparent during our talk last night. He really disputes the idea that he's a serial cheater. He thinks he should get credit for all the times he didn't cheat when he could have. He admits he was looking to cheat when he had the ONS, but argues that that's not really what he's like. He actually used the words "guilty pleasure" when talking about both the ONS and the sexting, and blamed both on the poor communication in our marriage at the time. He just wasn't getting what he needed from our marriage. But he continues to also say that he thought we had a great marriage.

He's still so "foggy" sounding that at this point I'm pretty sure it's not fog, but rather just him. I always knew he was a stubborn adrenaline junky with an addictive personality and that he could be immature and selfish sometimes. He does such a good job making everyone think he's such a great guy, that he even managed to fool me for many years into believing all the problems in our marriage were my fault. Now that I am no longer willing to twist myself into a pretzel to accomodate this "wonderful, great guy" I married (seriously, everyone who knows him/us is always going on about what a wonderful man he is, how lucky I am to have such a fantastic husband, etc.), it's more and more clear all the time that he didn't simply do something selfish (have an EA) but that he is a deeply selfish person.

I don't do trial separations. When/if we separate, we will be moving on a divorce. I have let him know what I need him to do in order for me to even keep talking about trying another reconcilliation. He's perfectly willing to do some of the items on my list. He's openly balking on others. I've asked him to think about it and let me know what his decision is by Sunday, but that there are no half-measures. He either does what I need or we're done. I refuse to poke and prod him into anything at this point, so he either starts doing the heavy lifting or I'll have my answer. At this point, I don't have much hope for true R and I refuse to participate in another false R.

 

[turnera]

I'm sorry. But you're right on track. You can rarely make a selfish person NOT selfish. It's who they are.

 

[Hope1964]

Yeah, that sucks, and I feel for you. But you are doing the right thing. Hugs to you.