Welcome newbies. I am so sorry that you are here with us now. If you're here, then it's a good chance that your marriage is in big trouble.
If you are a betrayed spouse or think you might be a betrayed spouse let me first say that I know how much it sucks to be where you are right now. Please know first and foremost that the reason that you are here is not your fault. You can't control your spouse as with many things in life but what you can do is control yourself and how you handle yourself when bad things happen.
If you are a disloyal spouse then please know that while you will not get the sympathy that you so crave, what you will get here is good and solid advice to making yourself a better person. I hope you have thick enough skin to stick around and take the comments directed at you and do what's not only right for your spouse and family but for you as well. I commend you for taking what must be a difficult first step by coming here.
Now as to why I am posting this thread-
Recently another forum regular commented to me in a PM how there have been a lot of "returnees" as of late. They came here either initially in other subforums on TAM or directly to this forum and asked for advice regarding either suspicious behavior or because their spouse was likely cheating on them (and some who had cheated themselves).
Some of these posters stayed just a short time worried about suspicions and then returned stating how their spouse was indeed cheating and they didn't believe it at first and wished they listened. Some knew their spouse was cheating but were too scared to take the correct action out of fear of losing their spouse. Some just took a few bits of advice and didn't stay long enough to really understand what to do and how to utilize that advice correctly.
So this thread is not dedicated to giving you advice about your particular situation but rather how to handle the advice you are about to be given on the forum.
The advice you will likely hear will be scary. It will sound counter-intuitive to what you want at times. You will hear words that you never thought you would in context to your marriage like "divorce" or "cheating". The advice given will often be hard to implement and you will also make mistakes doing as such.
The truth is your marriage is already in very big trouble. Drastic times will often call for drastic measures. Also know that often your marriage is often set on a course that you cannot change.
My goal is shared by many of the regular posters here. I am not the one to judge whether or not you should reconcile (R) or divorce (D). I am more interested in getting you to where you are headed faster.
Limbo is hell. It sucks your soul dry. I believe it to be ten times more stressful than getting to an actual resolution, even if that resolution is not what you want.
I am not saying that everyone's advice is perfect. I am not implying we have all the answers. But I can say with confidence, that many of us have experience in similar situations as yours and many of us also have experience generated by becoming regulars to this forum. We have seen quite a lot. We know by experience that there are patterns and scripts in infidelity. We can help you if you take the time carefully consider what we are saying to you and then take that appropriate action.
So I implore you-
don't look to sweep your problem under the rug
don't bury your head in the sand because your problem is not going to go away
listen to what we have to say and take your time implementing it- often we simply react in stressful situations instead of considering options that may be better- and perhaps we can help you find those answers.
Welcome to TAM's coping with infidelity forum- I'm not happy you're here but I will help you as best as I can.
AlmostRecovered
other posters may feel free to link this thread
***Disclaimer***
I am not an owner or operator of TAM
I am not a moderator
This is just my opinion
EDIT: adding some things that should be stickies by Lord Mayhem and Eli Zor to put on the first page:
If you are a betrayed spouse or think you might be a betrayed spouse let me first say that I know how much it sucks to be where you are right now. Please know first and foremost that the reason that you are here is not your fault. You can't control your spouse as with many things in life but what you can do is control yourself and how you handle yourself when bad things happen.
If you are a disloyal spouse then please know that while you will not get the sympathy that you so crave, what you will get here is good and solid advice to making yourself a better person. I hope you have thick enough skin to stick around and take the comments directed at you and do what's not only right for your spouse and family but for you as well. I commend you for taking what must be a difficult first step by coming here.
Now as to why I am posting this thread-
Recently another forum regular commented to me in a PM how there have been a lot of "returnees" as of late. They came here either initially in other subforums on TAM or directly to this forum and asked for advice regarding either suspicious behavior or because their spouse was likely cheating on them (and some who had cheated themselves).
Some of these posters stayed just a short time worried about suspicions and then returned stating how their spouse was indeed cheating and they didn't believe it at first and wished they listened. Some knew their spouse was cheating but were too scared to take the correct action out of fear of losing their spouse. Some just took a few bits of advice and didn't stay long enough to really understand what to do and how to utilize that advice correctly.
So this thread is not dedicated to giving you advice about your particular situation but rather how to handle the advice you are about to be given on the forum.
The advice you will likely hear will be scary. It will sound counter-intuitive to what you want at times. You will hear words that you never thought you would in context to your marriage like "divorce" or "cheating". The advice given will often be hard to implement and you will also make mistakes doing as such.
The truth is your marriage is already in very big trouble. Drastic times will often call for drastic measures. Also know that often your marriage is often set on a course that you cannot change.
My goal is shared by many of the regular posters here. I am not the one to judge whether or not you should reconcile (R) or divorce (D). I am more interested in getting you to where you are headed faster.
Limbo is hell. It sucks your soul dry. I believe it to be ten times more stressful than getting to an actual resolution, even if that resolution is not what you want.
I am not saying that everyone's advice is perfect. I am not implying we have all the answers. But I can say with confidence, that many of us have experience in similar situations as yours and many of us also have experience generated by becoming regulars to this forum. We have seen quite a lot. We know by experience that there are patterns and scripts in infidelity. We can help you if you take the time carefully consider what we are saying to you and then take that appropriate action.
So I implore you-
don't look to sweep your problem under the rug
don't bury your head in the sand because your problem is not going to go away
listen to what we have to say and take your time implementing it- often we simply react in stressful situations instead of considering options that may be better- and perhaps we can help you find those answers.
Welcome to TAM's coping with infidelity forum- I'm not happy you're here but I will help you as best as I can.
AlmostRecovered
other posters may feel free to link this thread
***Disclaimer***
I am not an owner or operator of TAM
I am not a moderator
This is just my opinion
EDIT: adding some things that should be stickies by Lord Mayhem and Eli Zor to put on the first page:
remorse vs guilt:
nice quote about who would've expected to be cheated on-All credit for this goes to a poster named Fighting2Survive at the SurvivingInfidelity forum. It's a great guide to see if your WS is truly remorseful or just trying to sweep it under the rug.
![Image]()
INDICATORS OF REMORSE
* Actions match words.
* Accepts full responsibility for the affair without blaming the BS, a bad marriage, or other outside factors.
* Expresses sorrow for hurting the BS and the M.
* Shows compassion and actively assists the BS with handling triggers.
* Does not become defensive or shut down when BS brings up affair-related emotions, issues, or questions.
* Answers questions honestly and completely.
* Does not avoid the BS or become frustrated that the BS is not “healing fast enough.”
* Contributes at least 60% of the joint effort at rebuilding the marriage.
* Actively works to understand why he or she made the choice to have an affair and shares insights with BS.
* Does not think solely about himself or herself. Considers how actions impact the BS.
Remorse is so important to R. It's the conerstone that everything else is built on. Without it, the M can not heal.
Remorse involves far more than just saying "I'm sorry." It's conveyed through consistent actions. The above list is not comprehensive, but it is meant to be an example that the FWS's behavior should be clear sign that he or she understands the pain the A caused and is committed to healing the M. Simply hanging around the house is not remorse. And it is not R.
No Contact Letter
