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Well, let's see..

I basically have joined this forum basically so that I can speak freely and hopefully anonymously.

Without going into a lot of detail, my wife of 13 years informed me she was leaving the marriage about a month ago. We have two kids (daughters) and I am trying to stay strong, but the truth is I feel completely lost and still angry. Angry at her, angry at God and angry at myself. Yes, our marriage for last few years hasn't been great, and has lacked intimacy for a long time (partly my fault). But I still love her, and I don't think the reasons she gave warrant such a move without much of an attempt to work on things. I'm at an extreme low point, in all honesty I have had suicidal thoughts. My heart is broken, and don't know if I'm mentally strong enough to move on with life at age 44. There was no abuse, no cheating by either party. I just don't understand how she can be so final sounding about this separation and impending divorce. Thanks for listening
 

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Firstly what reason does she give to make such a devastating choice, secondly don't be angry at God, its not Him who is leaving you, thirdly, would she consider marriage counselling and fourthly is there are chance that there is someone else?

Your daughters need you, and because of them you will get though and be there for them.
 

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Well, let's see..

I basically have joined this forum basically so that I can speak freely and hopefully anonymously.

Without going into a lot of detail, my wife of 13 years informed me she was leaving the marriage about a month ago. We have two kids (daughters) and I am trying to stay strong, but the truth is I feel completely lost and still angry. Angry at her, angry at God and angry at myself. Yes, our marriage for last few years hasn't been great, and has lacked intimacy for a long time (partly my fault). But I still love her, and I don't think the reasons she gave warrant such a move without much of an attempt to work on things. I'm at an extreme low point, in all honesty I have had suicidal thoughts. My heart is broken, and don't know if I'm mentally strong enough to move on with life at age 44. There was no abuse, no cheating by either party. I just don't understand how she can be so final sounding about this separation and impending divorce. Thanks for listening
I think that I would highly suspect infidelity... but, then again, I'm somewhat prejudiced in that regard!
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Firstly what reason does she give to make such a devastating choice, secondly don't be angry at God, its not Him who is leaving you, thirdly, would she consider marriage counselling and fourthly is there are chance that there is someone else?

Your daughters need you, and because of them you will get though and be there for them.
1.The reasons are clear to her, but not so much to me. She basically said that she fell out of love with me as a husband, but still loves me as a friend. There are some other side issues as well: My family and her have not gotten along for years, which has always been a sore spot. She has been trying to deal with old hurts caused by abuse in her family, about which she claims I didn't support her well enough. In a nutshell, she says that there has just been little resentments throughout the years that have taken it's toll and she just doesn't see me as her husband anymore.
2. Honestly I have struggled with my faith for a while now, so yeah its not God's fault. Especially since I have had issues even believing in any of it. But I do want to believe in something.
3. I asked about Counseling, she doesn't want to.
4. I really don't think there is anyone else, she claims that she is not really attracted to anyone right now. I could be wrong, but I pretty much know where she is always at (I can track her phone). But also, she has been extremely brutally honest through this whole thing and think she would tell me if there was someone else.

Thanks for your comments
 

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Well, let's see..

I basically have joined this forum basically so that I can speak freely and hopefully anonymously.

Without going into a lot of detail, my wife of 13 years informed me she was leaving the marriage about a month ago. We have two kids (daughters) and I am trying to stay strong, but the truth is I feel completely lost and still angry. Angry at her, angry at God and angry at myself. Yes, our marriage for last few years hasn't been great, and has lacked intimacy for a long time (partly my fault). But I still love her, and I don't think the reasons she gave warrant such a move without much of an attempt to work on things. I'm at an extreme low point, in all honesty I have had suicidal thoughts. My heart is broken, and don't know if I'm mentally strong enough to move on with life at age 44. There was no abuse, no cheating by either party. I just don't understand how she can be so final sounding about this separation and impending divorce. Thanks for listening
Indeed, speak freely. However, without going into detail leaves us sorta sympathetic and wishing to help without a guide or map.

How long has it been since you have shown her you love her in a language she will understand? DO NOT do anything to hurt your daughters. You can choose to be strong--many here will attest to that. Once a wife makes up her mind to leave, it is tough to change it. Some divorce because they think the grass is greener elsewhere and they leave before actual infidelity. IMPORTANT to know details of the abuse! and why she believes you did not support her...

Of course, she could be fascinated with work colleagues, gym or hobby partners, children's school parents, her pharmacist or dentist, etc., etc...
 

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Well, let's see..

I basically have joined this forum basically so that I can speak freely and hopefully anonymously.

Without going into a lot of detail, my wife of 13 years informed me she was leaving the marriage about a month ago. We have two kids (daughters) and I am trying to stay strong, but the truth is I feel completely lost and still angry. Angry at her, angry at God and angry at myself. Yes, our marriage for last few years hasn't been great, and has lacked intimacy for a long time (partly my fault). But I still love her, and I don't think the reasons she gave warrant such a move without much of an attempt to work on things. I'm at an extreme low point, in all honesty I have had suicidal thoughts. My heart is broken, and don't know if I'm mentally strong enough to move on with life at age 44. There was no abuse, no cheating by either party. I just don't understand how she can be so final sounding about this separation and impending divorce. Thanks for listening
First and foremost, do not kill yourself and if you have these thoughts go to a doctor or mental hospital.

Why has your marriage lacked intimacy? What has been going on in general? And how do you know she is not cheating?

BTW, 44 is young, if this marriage ends it will give you a chance to get yourself together and become a better person.

But life is not over at 44, that is kind of a silly thought, you are young...
 

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Not picking on you OP, but I always wonder why people don't see lack of intimacy in a relationship as a serious red flag. To me, that's the #1 indicator of a problem. Ignore it, and this is what happens.
 

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Not picking on you OP, but I always wonder why people don't see lack of intimacy in a relationship as a serious red flag. To me, that's the #1 indicator of a problem. Ignore it, and this is what happens.
You're right. I guess I just thought it was something we needed to work on. I never thought it was something that could not be improved upon. But, I was way to complacent, maybe we both were.
 

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At 44, you are barely into the prime of life. There is a ton of living to do, there are billions of women in this world, 150 million in the US of A alone. You sound co-dependent.

The way to save a marriage is to be willing to lose it.

1. Lawyer up. Have papers drawn up. Anymore crap, have her served. Divorce takes a long time and you can watch her actions to see if she develops remorse. It can be stopped at anytime.

2. Do not be so sure about that there is not someone else. We have seen these types of actions by spouses many, many, many times before. There are many ways that illicit lovers can be in contact other than by phone. It may only be an EA (Emotional Affair) carried on electronically, or it may be a physical affair (PA). It can be both, but either one can destroy a marriage.

3. Do not beg. This is called the "Pick Me Dance". Nothing makes you look weaker than this. Women are attracted to strength, not pathos.

4. Look up the "180" technique and practice it religiously.

5. Read "No More Mister Nice Guy". You can get a free PDF version on-line. Also read "The Married Man's Sex Life Primer", it's not about sex as much as it is about becoming a desirable partner.

6. Remember, women are drawn to strength, courage, and decisiveness. Work on these things. Start working on yourself. And if you do separate, understand, at 44, life is still in the beginning not ending stage.
 

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Falling out of love is a problem to solve, not an excuse to leave ones spouse. I recommend both of you reading His Needs, Her Needs.

If she is having an affair then all the marriage books in the world will not help until you bust it up. I would do some snooping. Check her phone.
 

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As others have said, this is not something to kill yourself over, but it is a bleak feeling for a lot of people. Your marriage is a big part of your life and it is easy to imagine it just being replaced w/ emptiness. But that's not how it usually works out, and most divorcees go on to enjoy life again.

Be honest w/ yourself and if you think you're vulnerable, get help.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
She resents you.

Are any of these resentments valid? Or does she believe that you should have used super powers to divine what she was thinking, etc?
Good question. I probably was not as emotionally available as I should have been, she says that I always just tried to fix things and wasn't empathetic enough. I would say there are valid resentments on both sides, but none that could not be overcome/repaired (in my eyes anyway).
 

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At 44, you are barely into the prime of life. There is a ton of living to do, there are billions of women in this world, 150 million in the US of A alone. You sound co-dependent.

The way to save a marriage is to be willing to lose it.

1. Lawyer up. Have papers drawn up. Anymore crap, have her served. Divorce takes a long time and you can watch her actions to see if she develops remorse. It can be stopped at anytime.

2. Do not be so sure about that there is not someone else. We have seen these types of actions by spouses many, many, many times before. There are many ways that illicit lovers can be in contact other than by phone. It may only be an EA (Emotional Affair) carried on electronically, or it may be a physical affair (PA). It can be both, but either one can destroy a marriage.

3. Do not beg. This is called the "Pick Me Dance". Nothing makes you look weaker than this. Women are attracted to strength, not pathos.

4. Look up the "180" technique and practice it religiously.

5. Read "No More Mister Nice Guy". You can get a free PDF version on-line. Also read "The Married Man's Sex Life Primer", it's not about sex as much as it is about becoming a desirable partner.

6. Remember, women are drawn to strength, courage, and decisiveness. Work on these things. Start working on yourself. And if you do separate, understand, at 44, life is still in the beginning not ending stage.
Would you also suggest limiting all communication with her? She is moving out of my place in a couple weeks. If she knew I was thinking about starting to date, would that be effective?
 

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Well, let's see..

I basically have joined this forum basically so that I can speak freely and hopefully anonymously.

Without going into a lot of detail, my wife of 13 years informed me she was leaving the marriage about a month ago. We have two kids (daughters) and I am trying to stay strong, but the truth is I feel completely lost and still angry. Angry at her, angry at God and angry at myself. Yes, our marriage for last few years hasn't been great, and has lacked intimacy for a long time (partly my fault). But I still love her, and I don't think the reasons she gave warrant such a move without much of an attempt to work on things. I'm at an extreme low point, in all honesty I have had suicidal thoughts. My heart is broken, and don't know if I'm mentally strong enough to move on with life at age 44. There was no abuse, no cheating by either party. I just don't understand how she can be so final sounding about this separation and impending divorce. Thanks for listening
Good question. I probably was not as emotionally available as I should have been, she says that I always just tried to fix things and wasn't empathetic enough. I would say there are valid resentments on both sides, but none that could not be overcome/repaired (in my eyes anyway).
Would you also suggest limiting all communication with her? She is moving out of my place in a couple weeks. If she knew I was thinking about starting to date, would that be effective?
44 is still young, I just divorced after 12 years and there are are ton of people in the same boat, mine was a similar situation 'her heart was closed' ' i was not emotionally available enough' 'cant do counseling' etc turns out she was cheating.

As mentioned above be check every scenario, work towards divorce and make sure you get a good settlement, this is key to moving on and being happy in the future.

Hate to put it like this but your marriage is over and you do not have any control over what she does or how she does it, focus on you, your future etc and do not do anything just to make her jealous as it makes you look more pathetic, if you want to date then date, if you are not ready find other avenues to distract yourself.

It takes time to heal from the emotional shock, took me about a year to be fully over it and my x helped by being a ***** ever step of the way.

keys to success.

Take control of your life and the divorce, file papers, work out finances etc.
Focus on your daughters and spending quality time as this will serve 2 purposes, firstly distract you, secondly build a stronger bond.
Find a hobby, preferably a healthy one and something physical, you will feel better, keep distracted, build a new routine, look better and it helps you focus and keeps you sane.
Start figuring out who you are, often we get lost in marriage, I lost my identity, didn't know what I liked, who I liked or what I wanted my future to be like, so try and get excited about rediscovering YOU.
 

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Since you have kids, I don't think you should give up easily. This kind of problem often signals the death of the marriage, but that is not a certainty. Things can get turned around, but it will take a lot of work by *both* of you. If she can't get onboard with fixing things, then there isn't much hope of you being able to do it on your own.

Since you have kids, ask her to wait until the summer so that the kids don't have to deal with this during the school year. If she's stuck it out this long, what's another few months? This may mean you need to be in separate bedrooms if necessary. Use the time to see if there is a way to come together to work on a solution.

If she's in a rush to get out, then it might be a sign that she has someone else in her heart. She may not have acted on it, but she might be trying to move on so she can start with the other person. Often, an unhappy spouse can create a crush-like fantasy with someone they only know as an acquaintance. In that case, she may have mentally moved on without anything physical happening. I know you said you didn't think it was an affair, but you should probably start looking at things more critically to see if anything is suspicious.

Regardless, the problems you mentioned initially are common reasons that marriages break up. If there is not strong emotional and intimate connections, then there isn't enough glue to hold the marriage together. Momentum isn't enough to keep a marriage together for a lifetime. So when you're looking at ways to fix the relationship, take a hard and honest look at yourself, what her needs are, and if you are the one who can meet those needs. Can you become the man she *wants* to spend the rest of her life with? You don't want to guilt or pressure her to live in a marriage prison. You want her to want to be with you because it makes her happy. It sounds like you fell into a comfortable rut and that wasn't enough for her. You'll need to make changes that last in the long term and not just in the moment to get her back.
 

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If she wants a divorce, let her go. But, moving forward, PLEASE in the future:

- if your partner/spouse expresses their dissatisfaction or unhappiness to you, LISTEN to them! Pay attention! This is serious crap, DO NOT dismiss their feelings just because you may not feel the same way! Never assume your partner is as content as you are with how things are going day to day in your relationship, especially when they are in your face telling you differently.

- If intimacy drops off or stops, RED FLAG.

- If they want to go to marriage counseling, GO. There is a REASON they are asking to do this! I was told by my ex that there was nothing that was THAT BAD to have to go to counseling... really?? Here's your divorce dude! Listening now??

Dismissing your partner's concerns and needs, and refusal to make changes leads to what is known as walk away wife syndrome. That's when a wife tells her husband she is divorcing him and he is BLINDSIDED. WHAT?? He seems to be completely clueless that she has been unhappy, when in reality, she has been coming to him time after time, over several years most likely, with her feelings and concerns and been dismissed time after time. After a while, the love eventually dies. Some will enter into affairs to escape, many others will not. A lot of posters here will be convinced your wife is cheating, but I have a strong feeling she is just DONE. (My gut is pretty good on these, I will eat my words if an affair is exposed here) And dude, if she is done... you don't stand a chance. Save your dignity and let her go.
 
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