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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I don't mean this to sound shallow, but whenever I tend to pursue a woman it ends up long term, not sure if its because I'm always forcing myself to look past the obvious characteristics in a person, or if I'm just a bad ender.

One thing I have come to doubt about myself is my ability to remain sexually attracted to the same person, especially when I look back at the women I've been with they are still just as gorgeous as when I met them, except prone to weight issues. I always thought they were very beautiful, but the sex appeal seemed to go away when we got too comfortable.

So when you meet one of those women who are stunning, and sexy but overweight, are you able to see yourselves remaining sexually attracted to her? Part of this is just my insecurity speaking, but part is from me personal heartfelt experience - my ex W was at one point well into obese territory (though she was able to carry it much better than most women could, she could easily hide 20 or 30 pounds). I was never repulsed by her and genuinely found her remarkably beautiful, but seeing her undressed did nothing to evoke lust in me - there was just no sex appeal, but nor was she ever seductive or tried to be alluring for me, but I think it was mostly she didn't have the feminine hourglass shape (I know, I'm being shallow here, but having her curves go in the right direction seems to be a big thing to my sexual response).

Would you pursue someone who was very attractive for the time being but you suspect will not do it for you a few years down the road? Or would you save both of you the heartache and leave the beautiful woman be?
 

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Fat Kills… Marriages Dead « Chateau Heartiste

I don't believe it's being shallow. Marriage isn't a roommate agreement. How are you going to have sex with a person who you aren't attracted to? I am a bit like you in this way.

I believe just as a man, if he wishes keep the physical attraction alive, should stay fit or at least not overweight, the woman should do the same too. Even more so. So sports are a must for any couple.

That being said even when she has a perfect body, doesn't mean she will evoke lust in you every time every day. Crushes to your wife will come and go, come and go.
 

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Considering that marriage is allegedly a lifetime proposition, you'll either have to remain single or accept the fact that whoever you end up won't keep their same appearance forever. You have no guarantee that your partner will look the same an hour from now. They have no guarantee that you will. It is for certain they won't be looking at the same "you" for the next 70 years, either. Some days they will look better than others. Folks gain weight, lose weight, they get sick, they get burned, they get pregnant, lose limbs, lose hair, grow hair, get hit by trucks, bit by dogs, you-name-it. Physical attraction is important and it's great but that had best not be your primary selection criteria or you're dead in the water before you get started. You can work out every day, eat nuts and berries, look like Adonis on Monday and a flaming car crash can leave you looking like a monster on Tuesday. Post-crash, you'd still be the same person and would still need love. Want to get laid? Pick a hottie. Want to be a husband? Pick someone you'd be proud to live with no matter what they looked like and who would do the same for you.
 

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I don't mean this to sound shallow, but whenever I tend to pursue a woman it ends up long term, not sure if its because I'm always forcing myself to look past the obvious characteristics in a person, or if I'm just a bad ender.

One thing I have come to doubt about myself is my ability to remain sexually attracted to the same person, especially when I look back at the women I've been with they are still just as gorgeous as when I met them, except prone to weight issues. I always thought they were very beautiful, but the sex appeal seemed to go away when we got too comfortable.

So when you meet one of those women who are stunning, and sexy but overweight, are you able to see yourselves remaining sexually attracted to her? Part of this is just my insecurity speaking, but part is from me personal heartfelt experience - my ex W was at one point well into obese territory (though she was able to carry it much better than most women could, she could easily hide 20 or 30 pounds). I was never repulsed by her and genuinely found her remarkably beautiful, but seeing her undressed did nothing to evoke lust in me - there was just no sex appeal, but nor was she ever seductive or tried to be alluring for me, but I think it was mostly she didn't have the feminine hourglass shape (I know, I'm being shallow here, but having her curves go in the right direction seems to be a big thing to my sexual response).

Would you pursue someone who was very attractive for the time being but you suspect will not do it for you a few years down the road? Or would you save both of you the heartache and leave the beautiful woman be?
I hope you don't mind an answer from a woman's point of view.
I'm not a delicate woman in body.I never have been.I've always had the hourglass,round butt,thicker legs.I'll never be those thin girls with delicate features and fragile,graceful figures.I accepted that ages ago.
But if my body type ever made a potential partner stop and think 'I may not be attracted to her body after a while',I'd rather have him leave me alone.
My figure isn't changing,with the exception of a 20lbs weight loss over the years,I never go over a certain weight and I never fall under a certain weight.I bounce back and forth but I'm always curvy and firm.That isn't changing.I'd be devastated if I was with a man long term and he knew at the beginning he may not be into me later on in the relationship and I found out about that.

I don't think wanting a certain body type is shallow at all.No one can tell you to find something attractive just because they think you should.I just think if you have a feeling you won't be into her in a few years because of her body then leave the beautiful woman alone and move on to someone else.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I don't think wanting a certain body type is shallow at all.No one can tell you to find something attractive just because they think you should.I just think if you have a feeling you won't be into her in a few years because of her body then leave the beautiful woman alone and move on to someone else.
I know this, and it's a huge part of the the reason I haven't dated anyone (aside from the fact that I just really suck at dating). I don't want to be alone, but I don't ever want to marry again and I'm pretty sure I don't ever want a LTR again.

So my question was more for the guys about ever dating someone you have no intention to marry and spend the rest of your life with. I'm looking so far down the road all the time I just need help trying to actually live in the moment but then I get consumed with guilt, and so if I was to take the moral high road that means sentencing myself to a life of solitude and loneliness. The fact that I would even consider this, and the fact that I think I will lose my sexual desire for whomever I would end up with even has me wondering if I'm asexual.
 

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I think there are overlapping ranges that can combine to make this work...or not. There is the physical beauty of a person and there is the spirit of that person. I think we tend to allow for a lack of one if there is enough of the other. Lon, would it make a difference if the "not amazing looking woman" had great energy and was a great lover?
 

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I found a girl really attractive who was sort of heavy, but her attitude,,, was just beyond anything Id ever witnessed. There was a real intellectual connection that made her very comfortable to be around and talk to. LTR is something I do know I eventually want, but am definitely a bit saddle sore from the last long ride, so something keeps telling me to goooo sloooooww.
 

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I agree with another poster, that you both fare better if you are like-minded when it comes to what is important regarding lifestyle.

Make no apologies for what you are, or are not, attracted to.

As for 'settling'; the only woman you should settle for, is the right one ... for the long term.

Finding the right one means meeting, dating, connecting and communicating with women who ultimately aren't going to be the right one.

You have trouble with the break up?
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I think there are overlapping ranges that can combine to make this work...or not. There is the physical beauty of a person and there is the spirit of that person. I think we tend to allow for a lack of one if there is enough of the other. Lon, would it make a difference if the "not amazing looking woman" had great energy and was a great lover?
Well for me to even be attracted to someone they certainly have a beautiful spirit. I guess in this particular case I'm wondering about the heavy lookers - women who are incredibly sexy in spirit and also are very physically beautiful despite a lot of extra pounds - and while this is not very common I have found there are few women who are drop dead gorgeous no matter what their weight, and I want to ask guys who have similar experience with this their take on it.
 

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You are over thinking this brother. Sometimes you just have to sit back and see where the ride takes you.
:iagree:

I used to look at my wife's mom and sisters before we were married and still dating.
They were all overweight and the same thoughts like the OP haunted me.
But when you're in love everything else takes second place.
Today , many years after ,still sexy , fit and trim...
 

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Ultimately, only you can decide what you need from a relationship. But I think keeping in the back of your mind that this won't work out long term, when you are giving the woman clues it -might- be long-term is kind of a bait-and-switch kind of thing. If you are honest about it being casual, and about how your visual needs play a big part in whether or not it could be long term, than go for it. You might find a woman able to fulfill those qualities, you might not.

Just don't be deceptive about it. Don't tell a woman the things she wants to hear to get her to sleep with you in the short-term, knowing things won't last. You should be be honest about it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I'm certainly not trying to give out deceptive clues, but I don't think I am aware enough of the signals I'm sending. I don't knowingly bait and switch, and I certainly don't deceive for sex, OTOH I feel guilty and immoral telling women whom I'm attracted to that I'm sexually attracted to them unless I can see myself being devoted to them long term, which is why I've never had casual sex, and which is keeping me way too guarded to be able to just sit back and enjoy the ride.
 

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Lon, I have some of the same issues as a woman. My thing is not weight but health. If someone isn't taking care of their health, that really concerns me and I know I could not be in it for the long term, because of the obvious long term effects of failing to invest in health. Could it be that you're using weight as a proxy for health?
I know for me, good health is a priority. I cut some slack if someone is on a path to health, and on the opposite end I could never be with someone whose #1 thing was training to run triathlons or doing extreme sports. Somewhere in there is a healthy balance.

I realize that I'm a bit traumatized by losing someone to a brain hemorrhage, who maybe didn't take care of his health the way he could have. He was active, but there were other factors where he could have paid better attention to overall health.

I don't think it's wrong of you to feel the way you do, but I also think that you are going way too far in trying to look out for the other person in a relationship...maybe trust the women to look out for themselves a bit more in any given situation, you don't have to be 100% responsible for everything that happens. Just your end of it.
 

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Women have sex with guys that they don't plan on spending the rest of their lives with ... especially after a previously failed marriage. Almost everyone changes their paradigm in light of those events.

I was in a relationship that I certainly thought was going to be for the long haul. Told her I loved her ... one week later she dumped me. Freaked her out.

It's good to have a plan. It's also good to realize that things seldom go according to plan.

Relationships take their course. I have come to terms with and embraced whatever that course may be.

Ending a relationship with someone doesn't make you evil ... it makes you honest.
 

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So my question was more for the guys about ever dating someone you have no intention to marry and spend the rest of your life with.
Look you need to pursue whatever priorities you have.

It is OK to not want a long term relationship. I"m married, but if I ever weren't married, I'd never want to get married again. I'd date women who I was sexually attracted to and who I had a good time with. When I was not longer sexually attracted or having a good time, I'd move on.

I think this comes down to you being a bad ender, generally uncomfortable with yourself, and not being "integrated". It seems you are uncomfortable with your true desires and have serious hangups when it comes to speaking what you truely want and feel.

When you begin to date someone, make your intentions clear. Don't mislead them, don't waste their time, just be clear about what you are looking for. If she is not comfortable with what you want, then you both just move on. "I am looking for someone to spend time with, to have a good time, but not for a monogomous long term relationship".

You have to realize there are millions upon millions of women with whom you can have a good time, in bed and out of bed. If things don't work out with ONE of them, it's NOT A BIG DEAL!
 

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A life skill mastered by any successful husband is the ability to look at a "2" and behave as if it is a "10", to accept a kid's scribbled drawing and gush over it like it's the Mona Lisa. It aint lying. It's building up the people you lead and who depend on you. It's learning how to be content with and proud of what you have.
 

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"...my ex W was at one point well into obese territory (though she was able to carry it much better than most women could, she could easily hide 20 or 30 pounds)"

Are you saying 20 or 30 pounds is "well into obese territory"? Was your ex-w only 4'10"?
 

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"...my ex W was at one point well into obese territory (though she was able to carry it much better than most women could, she could easily hide 20 or 30 pounds)"

Are you saying 20 or 30 pounds is "well into obese territory"? Was your ex-w only 4'10"?
I googled clinical obesity and 30 lbs is considered clinically obese for a 5'9" adult.

Height Weight Range BMI Considered
5' 9" 124 lbs or less Below 18.5 Underweight
125 lbs to 168 lbs 18.5 to 24.9 Healthy weight
169 lbs to 202 lbs 25.0 to 29.9 Overweight
203 lbs or more 30 or higher Obese
 
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