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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
We have been married for over 13 years. We have 2 kids, both middle-school age. She had a thyroid issue, gained a lot of weight, lost her desire for sex - then things changed...

After her surgery her energy-level got back to normal, her libido apparently re-ignited, but she also put on a lot of weight and I am just not turned on by her because of the weight-gain. She's always known that I didn't find overweight people attractive - right or wrong, it is how I am.

She was always 'bigger', but never 'flabby' - until a few years ago and because of her thyroid condition (I know, it's not her fault, that doesn't help...). She looks pregnant, if she even bends over slightly, her butt sticks out of her pants and I am just not turned on by any of that - quite the opposite - I get pretty turned off.

For a little while I could rely on my imagination when we did have sex, but after a while I simply couldn't fake it anymore. Rather than cheat or seek release through a porn addiction, I simply 'cooled my jets' and stopped thinking about sex at all. I could never cheat on her - I love her too much and that's not how I am made. I made a commitment to be faithful and I intend to be faithful.

She confronted me with the fact that I don't seem interested in sex with her anymore - I admitted that my drive is all but nil and she asked if it was because of how she looked. Stupid me, I said, "well, yes. I have to admit that the weight does not turn me on."

She was hurt (of course!) - maybe she was lashing out, maybe she was serious, but she said, "well, if you aren't going to touch me then can I go find it from someone else? I need to feel attractive and part of that is being 'touched'..."

That pretty much wrecked me. I almost got physically ill - and I let her know that the very idea makes me want to explode. I am sympathetic to her needs and since that horrible chat I've been trying to up the ante on my libido so I can genuinely make her feel physically desirable as well as unconditionally loved, but there is still the flabbiness - and that damn request to "get it elsewhere" hanging in the air.

Needless to say, I feel terrible - for her, for me, for us - but I have to be honest with myself. I don't find her sexually attractive with all the extra weight. I wish I did, but I just don't. I don't want her to 'go without' - but I definitely don't want her to 'go out and get it elsewhere', but I feel like a fraud pretending I am not somewhat repulsed by the fat thing.

I've suggested things like a health club membership, a personal trainer, gotten her exercise apparatuses that she's asked for, but she just doesn't seem to have any desire at all to get into a regular workout routine.

Who am I kidding? The thing that's got me the most twisted is that damn comment about 'getting it elsewhere'... my brain literally reeled at the idea and I experienced 10 different emotions simultaneously - all bad - and suddenly I feel like she'd rather do that than even try to drop a pound or two. The fact that there are a few single men (and married ones who aren't above servicing a wanting woman's needs) at her disposal and so help me, if I had said, "OK, if that's what you really need" that she'd actually go and do it.

I love her - she loves me - how could she even suggest such a thing? Is it really the case that she would rather 'cheat' (with permission) than try to lose a few pounds? I'm no saint and have plenty of flaws so I feel like a jerk because I feel the way I do about her weight when she puts up with me and all my flaws, but hell... the idea of her with someone else literally hurts my brain... and the idea that she'd even suggest such a thing has me almost despondent.

Thanks for letting me rant a little... Any thoughts? I've never been in this sort of situation before and I could use a little guidance.
 

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Do you want her to live a life without sex? Cause that's what you're putting her through.

Should she be overweight? Probably not, but with health issues, it's hard to get it under control sometimes.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Do you want her to live a life without sex? Cause that's what you're putting her through.

Should she be overweight? Probably not, but with health issues, it's hard to get it under control sometimes.
Of course I don't want her to go without. Fact is, when her libido dropped because of the hormone thing, I adjusted to the loss of sex even before we knew it was due to a thyroid issue. She stopped wanting sex - I asked, she said she just wasn't interested anymore... Neither of us knew it was because of her condition. She had the condition for almost a year before we found out what it was and she had her surgery - but until that point, I just thought she really wasn't into sex anymore - hell, she even said so.

So I adjusted. You ask, "do I want her to go without?" - no. To be fair, though, when she lost interest, I adjusted - I didn't ask if I could "get it somewhere else since she wasn't interested..."

Do you see the crux here?
 

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If you love her be there for her. This is the time she needs you the most you basically destroyed her self esteem. when you told her she don't turn you on any more because of the weight gain.
 

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Look she took your comment about her weight as meanness so she fought back with meanness.

As a hormonal female I've been known to say LOTS of mean things I didn't mean. Yes I regret them now.

Do you think she was just being mean back or do you really think she was serious?
 

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Nothing cuts deeper than finding out your husband isn't into having sex with you anymore because of how you look. It would be like if she told you that your **** isn't big enough and so she would rather use a vibrator.
You have just stabbed her in the heart. It isn't rational, it goes back to the first years of girlhood when you realize what you look like is suddenly how you are judged.
I don't think you are wrong for being turned off but I think you didn't handle this well.
I think that she is angry and hurt and she figures the sexual part of your relationship is over so why not just go elsewhere?
I applaud you for wanting to stay with her and not making ultimatums about her losing weight.
I'm not sure where you go from here but you can start by coming out of your logical mind and trying to have compassion for how hurt she is.
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double standard when he was interested she rejected him. now that shes interested he should jump for joy at the chance to bang a fat women.....who rejected him in the first place.

not that you handled it in a good way.
 

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I can't believe how cruel.... thyroid issue cause major depression, you lose your hair ( i lost so much hair I had to cut 28 inches off because it looked so thin), gain weight no matter how much dieting and exercise you do (i am a vegitarian and exercise daily ..gained 100 lbs), cause insomnia, exhaution and fatigue (lost so much sleep I was diagnoised with sleep deprivation)...and they destroy your sex drive completely (went from intercouse 3-4 times a week to once every other week...though he got a lot bj's about every other day, I had no interest in him reciprocating though).

Post surgery...sex brives back and stronger than ever...got to love that synthriod. The meds can take from 6months to 3 years to kick in and regulate completely. I starved myself litterly for 6 months after surgery because the doctor told me on average people gain 30 lbs after thyroid surgery. ..no way was I gaining anymore weight. I ate 500 calories a day, I didn't lose weight...but I didn't gain any. My husbands never once let me feel ugly or unloved...after surgery he took me to "lovers lane" and bought me $500 worth of sexy lingerie and toys and then to the jewlery store for a necklace to cover my hangmans necktie scar.

The meds kicked in after 8 months and within 3months I lost 35 pounds. I am still losing about 2pounds a week...not thin yet but getting there slowly. My husband encourages me every step of the way. I know I am not what everyone would consider good looking (very short thin hair, big scar on my neck and still plump) but to my husband I am beautiful and alive. Tumors as large as mine can usually are cancerous. ..mine wasn't.

She was wrong to say what she did, but do you realize how cruel what you said was. I really feel bad for her...I don't know what I would have done without my man the last couple of years.
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Good points here. I know what I said hurt but the truth does that sometimes. I thought it was important to be truthful if there was the possibility that we might talk about what to do next. I was a little surprised by her proposal. I get it - I just have a hard time contending with it.

I am there for her and she knows it. But I can't do it for her. I hoped it might provoke a more heathy line of discussion even though it wold be a hard one to have. I just got entirely derailed mentally. Know it is almost impossible to think about it without flashing on images of her with another man.

I appreciate the opportunity to get this out. Chewing on it in my mind was starting to drive me a little nuts.
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Here on TAM, a woman who is in the same situation you are.. her husband has gained weight due to illness and she is not longer attracted to him, but she loves him and cares for him... she'd be told that sex is an important part of marriage and she should still give him sex or at least blow jobs.

Just thinking out loud.
 

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double standard when he was interested she rejected him. now that shes interested he should jump for joy at the chance to bang a fat women.....who rejected him in the first place.

not that you handled it in a good way.
Keep in mind that she was LD due to an illness.

She is overweight because of the same illness.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
For the record, I am, was have been and always will be there for her even if I express myself poorly and say the wrong thing sometimes. Her libido vanished years ago mysteriously to both of us at the time. She wasn't gaining weight or feeling tired all the time, it just 'went'...

It was then that I started getting my own head OK with significantly less sex. I figured it was either that or go crazy wanting something from her she doesn't want to give. Stupid me, I got good at getting over it. Who knew it would come back at me like this?

Ironic... Choose to be essentially celebate rather that separate, cheat or porn up and that ends up driving a wedge between us.

I know what she needs. I have even been reading some of the stuff she's been reading to get some fantasy insights to hopefully make it more exciting for both of us.

And for the record, I am still not turned on but I figure if I turned it off I can probably turn it back on too.

As long as I can get the idea of her with someone else from intruding...
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I understand your frustration...I guarantee she is even more frustrated. I actually had a shouting match with my endocrinologist about losing weight...he finally grinned at me and said to knock myself out but I wasn't going to lose weight until the meds adjusted completely. :-( He was right took 8 months. Spent a lot of money on a gym and couch, still didn't lose, but I didn't gain. If I had my guess she feels like there is no hope of ever losing weight.... I went through a time like that also. Can you imagine dieting and exercising and still gaining weight it is very devastating. Try and be supportive of her and encourage her on the little milestones.
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I have a few questions.

1. Even when her libido dropped, were you still having sex? I know you said it dropped "significantly", but from what frequency did you start and at what frequency did you get down to before learning of her condition?

2. After her surgery, and before she commented that you didn't seem interested in sex anymore, were you having sex at that point? If so, again, frequency? Compare that to the frequency before her surgery. More? Less?

3. How much weight has she actually gained? And, has her doctor put her on medications at all to help combat the weight gain? Honest question... I'm not all that familiar with thyroid problems, so I am not sure how commonplace "weight reducing" medications are in thyroid conditions.
 

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If she still has part of her thyroid there are some diet medications that will help on top of the thyroid replacement drug. If like myself she had her thyroid removed...she will have to wait for the synthetic thyroid to kick in 6 to 36 months. The synthetic hormone works real well with something others it is real slow.
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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Things are moving in a positive direction at this point. The weight and the suggestion of a surrogate mate were the pits. I needed to write it out, get some scorn and some support to get this out of my head and onto the table.

She is looking better to me every day and I tell her she is beautiful frequently. I am sure she doesn't believe me yet but soon both of us will I am sure.

No one needs to tell me how much I hurt her and it is clear she hurt me too. Next? Working on it. Thanks for the insights. I appreciate them all.
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Awe, that's so cute!

Glad you guys are working it out. Just remember, you wife will one day be an old lady and if you can't find the woman you love inside, you're going to be one miserable old man.
 
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