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Discussion Starter #1
My partner's nephew is getting married in 4 months and this is causing problems!! His daughters mother - his ex wife - knew his family for 25 years and the problem is that we cant both be at the wedding (I have reached out an olive branch to her to meet etc but she has refused) He has basically asked me that if it comes to it that I 'step back' and take the moral higher ground for the sake of the girls, as they will be upset if their mother cannot be at the wedding, but I suspect if she said to them it wasnt a problem we wouldnt be having this problem. I told him I was now his partner and it is HIS nephew getting married so surely I would be asked. He said probably but most likely she will be too and one of us has to back down. After other issues as mentioned before re his daughters and their mother,I am exhausted and furious. I would step back for the sake of the girls but am tired of it all, and angry that it should be me to step back when I am his partner! have we any hope? and can i really end an otherwise good relationship because of a wedding ... but it is the principle and I have not yet been to any of his family weddings (we were in a distance relationship for 2 and half years and have lived together now for 5 months). Am I wrong in thinking that any new partner - whether man or woman - would want to or accept to stay away from the current partners family wedding so that the ex can go..!??
 

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I don't understand either. How long has he been divorced? Why won't the ex meet you? How can there be hard feelings if you have never met?
 

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Because if I go then the ex wife cant go (as she clearly cant deal with her ex husband having a new partner). If thats the case then my partners daughters are going to be v upset that their mother cannot go! My partner is worried of the effect it will have on his daughers if their mother is not present - she is a bit unstable - and would make a big fuss of not being able to go and this would cause his daughters great angst.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
He has been divorced for 4 years. We all used to live in the same town years ago and I knew her to say hi to, she was not a close friend. She made the girls and their fathers life a misery with manipulation and high drama and has undoubtably 'damaged' them somewhat. They, I think, still live in fear of her outburst potential..
 

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Because if I go then the ex wife cant go (as she clearly cant deal with her ex husband having a new partner). If thats the case then my partners daughters are going to be v upset that their mother cannot go! My partner is worried of the effect it will have on his daughers if their mother is not present - she is a bit unstable - and would make a big fuss of not being able to go and this would cause his daughters great angst.
I understand how this upsets you. However, if the ex is unstable & upset that her ex has a partner to the point of boycotting her nephew's wedding if you were to go, then I would rather stay home. I wouldn't want to upset my partner's daughters.

Remember this is the nephew's big day. Best not to add drama to it. I would graciously bow out given the circumstances here.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
I understand what you are saying and have done exactly that on many occasions over the last 2 and half years. However, I am finding it very difficult to do it yet again, especially as we are living together and have taken (our already serious) relationship to an even more committed level. How many more times will I have to bow out of occasions, and this is HIS family. Why cant she be the one for a change, to feel left out.. I understand what you are saying Emerald and I so want to be able to do that, again, but have run out of patience and think it terribly unfair...I am still considering but I think it has damaged how I feel about my partner,even though I know he is doing it to protect his daughters..
 

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Marydee, I understand where you are coming from. It is hurtful and your guy should stand up for you. I think things would be a lot different if not for his girls. As an adult, and their father, he really needs to put them first - and he is. I give him big kudos for this. Also as an adult, you need to put his girls first. You have been doing this and you get big kudos.

Unfortunately with blended families, this is what can happen. You chose a guy with an ex with problems and girls that need to come first. So this puts you a bit down the line. Do you have children? As a mother, for me, watching a father protect his children like this would make me more attracted to him.

It sounds like you have a good relationship other than this issue. This issue is also not going to go away. Can you look at it the way he does? Can you put his daughters needs to have peace in a broken family first?
 

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I understand what you are saying and have done exactly that on many occasions over the last 2 and half years. However, I am finding it very difficult to do it yet again, especially as we are living together and have taken (our already serious) relationship to an even more committed level. How many more times will I have to bow out of occasions, and this is HIS family. Why cant she be the one for a change, to feel left out.. I understand what you are saying Emerald and I so want to be able to do that, again, but have run out of patience and think it terribly unfair...I am still considering but I think it has damaged how I feel about my partner,even though I know he is doing it to protect his daughters..
Do you have children?

I have 2 adult daughters & divorced their father & now have a new husband with 2 adult sons.

If my husband wants to go to a family event where his ex would be present & his sons did not want me there due to potential drama with their mother, I wouldn't even want to go.
 

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Marydee, I understand where you are coming from. It is hurtful and your guy should stand up for you. I think things would be a lot different if not for his girls. As an adult, and their father, he really needs to put them first - and he is. I give him big kudos for this. Also as an adult, you need to put his girls first. You have been doing this and you get big kudos.

Unfortunately with blended families, this is what can happen. You chose a guy with an ex with problems and girls that need to come first. So this puts you a bit down the line. Do you have children? As a mother, for me, watching a father protect his children like this would make me more attracted to him.

It sounds like you have a good relationship other than this issue. This issue is also not going to go away. Can you look at it the way he does? Can you put his daughters needs to have peace in a broken family first?
I disagree. His girls are adults, not children. When will he ever be able to have a real relationship with Marydee or anyone else for that matter if he always has to bow to the feelings of his adult daughters?
 

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I disagree. His girls are adults, not children. When will he ever be able to have a real relationship with Marydee or anyone else for that matter if he always has to bow to the feelings of his adult daughters?
I don't see an age on the "girls", as she is referring to them, so I am assuming they are still underage.
 

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I don't see an age on the "girls", as she is referring to them, so I am assuming they are still underage.
Good catch. How old are his daughters?

Also, what are the specific events that you are not welcome at besides this upcoming wedding?

OP, I do understand your frustration. You SHOULD be welcome at all of your man's family events as his partner. People need to shelve their bitterness & resentments & learn how to get along. It is sad that one bitter, unstable person can create so much drama.
 

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I don't see an age on the "girls", as she is referring to them, so I am assuming they are still underage.

They're adults. From another thread (which seems to be a different situation, but similar vein) by the OP:

I have been with my partner in a distance relationship for nearly 3 years. I moved over to live with him 4 months ago. He has 2 daughters from his previous marriage aged 19 and 21 both at university.
 

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Well, my response is still the same. Children cannot grow up with an unstable mother, be "damaged", as the OP stated, and all of a sudden be fine just because they turned 18. I have 5 children, 3 of whom are of the adult age. It takes a while for them to come unto themselves with a "normal" upbringing.

The one person these "girls" should be able to turn to for womanly advice, and all other "talks" is their mother, and she is the one who screwed them up and keeps stirring the pot.

I was raised in a less than normal situation. I was 30 when my H and I moved out of my families state. One of the reasons I chose to do this was to get away from my manipulative mother. Even at 30 I had a hard time not being pulled into her drama. I know from experience that these two "girls" are not going to be strong enough to handle her for many years to come.
 

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This is double drama...

The ex is obviously a drama queen and weddings usually bring out the BEST in people like that.

If I was invited I would go. If this woman makes a remark about you or causes issues it's on her not you.

My stbx and I had serious issues in our relationship BUT a lot of them were fueled by his family. They were from a totally different culture and I was often treated like a leper.

I got sick of dealing with it. So eventually I would pick the situations I would go to. If I was you I would buy a nice dress, get all pretty.. and GO. Ignore the XW and tell your H that you are not the one causing the drama.
 

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Well, my response is still the same. Children cannot grow up with an unstable mother, be "damaged", as the OP stated, and all of a sudden be fine just because they turned 18. I have 5 children, 3 of whom are of the adult age. It takes a while for them to come unto themselves with a "normal" upbringing.

The one person these "girls" should be able to turn to for womanly advice, and all other "talks" is their mother, and she is the one who screwed them up and keeps stirring the pot.

I was raised in a less than normal situation. I was 30 when my H and I moved out of my families state. One of the reasons I chose to do this was to get away from my manipulative mother. Even at 30 I had a hard time not being pulled into her drama. I know from experience that these two "girls" are not going to be strong enough to handle her for many years to come.
So his ex-wife is going to dictate what events he can take his new SO to indefintely? Is that what you're suggesting?

If that's your point, and I'm not sure that it is, I disagree with you. He will never be able to move on from his divorce as long as his ex-wife is able to control him this way.

He needs to take her behavior out of the equation, it's not under his control nor is he responsible for it. Right now his daughters are forcing him to consider his ex-wife's feelings above Marydees feelings. If that's allowed to continue it spells the doom of their relationship.
 

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So his ex-wife is going to dictate what events he can take his new SO to indefintely? Is that what you're suggesting?

If that's your point, and I'm not sure that it is, I disagree with you. He will never be able to move on from his divorce as long as his ex-wife is able to control him this way.

He needs to take her behavior out of the equation, it's not under his control nor is he responsible for it. Right now his daughters are forcing him to consider his ex-wife's feelings above Marydees feelings. If that's allowed to continue it spells the doom of their relationship.
:iagree:

The ex wife should be completely OUT of this equation. If Marydee was invited HE should be concerned about her feelings and set his ex straight about this.

100% agree this is DOOM.

I was in an abusive relationship, and another way in which my STBX loved to control me is by letting his family trample all over me, like I was worthless.

My stbx's sister got married and it looks like they are on the path of doom too.. since she is taking the family's word over her new husbands.

There is a point where you form a NEW family with the person you are with.. and they need to come first.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Seems to be some mixed responses and thank you for all of them. I have to see if I can reconcile the situation and 'stand back'...very difficult for me as I said because I have done it so many times in the past and have yet to be at a family wedding or occasion (his) due to exactly this, will it ever go away...? maybe not, maybe erodes over time..just getting it very hard to agree to it this time again as it hurts me so much. I have considered ending the relationship. I was and am very welcomed by his siblings, they are very fond of me but also caught in a situation..
 

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Discussion Starter #19
Bunny.,.. I agree and it is incredibly hurtful and I feel im being 'manipulated and controlled' into agreeing when I feel on principle it is very very wrong. I had posted an earlier thread about Christmas.. there was also aggro about Christmas day, yet again to do with how their mother would feel and how this will affect his girls. this has been resolved somewhat but now the issue of the wedding also has also pushed me into ending the relationship...
 

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Marydee, I absolutely don't think this should go on forever, but at 18, she is still young and shouldn't have to put up with this because her mom is nuts and her parents divorced. She is the one that is going to have to listen to her mom go on and on. Perhaps in a year or so the girls will be more independent, dad and you could spend more time with them building a relationship and friendships.

has your SO discussed this with his girls or is he assuming it will be hard on them? If he talks with the girls and they don't have a problem with it - as far as being able to handle all the drama from mom - then go. Let the chips fall where they may.

The girls did not chose any of this, but you and SO did. As long as the rest of the relationship was good, he was not putting his ex first or putting himself in a "family situation" with ex and girls without you - if it was me, I would step back in these few occasions because I would know he was doing it for his girls and for no other reason.

But - that is me.
 
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