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I won't bore everyone with my whole story, if you are interested you can search using my log in name and you will find all the sordid details. Briefly Dday for me was 8 months ago, my wife confessed to a very drawn out and messy PA with her friends husband, we are trying to reconcile and honestly the good days now outweigh the bad days. To her credit she is doing everything to make things right. I still however don't trust her and I have very little respect for her after the way she treated me throughout the affair.

Our 18th wedding anniversary is approaching and my wife has suggested we do something, honestly the last thing I want to do is celebrate our wedding anniversary. I see a wedding anniversary as a celebration of married life and commitment to your partner. Whilst she might be committed now she certainly wasn't for the 2 years she was seeing someone else. I have made it clear to her that our wedding anniversary now holds very little if any meaning and she was very upset by this.

Given that we are trying to reconcile, am I out of line to reject something like this anniversary?
 

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I am also approaching an anniversary in early December, and not sure how to handle it. However, my situation is different than yours.

Thinking I will recognize the anniversary with a card, as I did her birthday a few weeks ago.
 

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I am also approaching an anniversary in early December, and not sure how to handle it. However, my situation is different than yours.

Thinking I will recognize the anniversary with a card, as I did her birthday a few weeks ago.
Agree, i've done the birthday thing since dday and it's pretty hard to stand in the shop and buy something "special". I honestly used to love buying her birthday and anniversary presents and always made a real effort to buy something I knew she would love. Her friends always commented on the fact that I was able to buy cloths and jewellery which she really loved.
 

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I won't bore everyone with my whole story, if you are interested you can search using my log in name and you will find all the sordid details. Briefly Dday for me was 8 months ago, my wife confessed to a very drawn out and messy PA with her friends husband, we are trying to reconcile and honestly the good days now outweigh the bad days. To her credit she is doing everything to make things right. I still however don't trust her and I have very little respect for her after the way she treated me throughout the affair.

Our 18th wedding anniversary is approaching and my wife has suggested we do something, honestly the last thing I want to do is celebrate our wedding anniversary. I see a wedding anniversary as a celebration of married life and commitment to your partner. Whilst she might be committed now she certainly wasn't for the 2 years she was seeing someone else. I have made it clear to her that our wedding anniversary now holds very little if any meaning and she was very upset by this.

Given that we are trying to reconcile, am I out of line to reject something like this anniversary?
Well, you feel how you feel, but there's no need to be rude to your wife. I think her being upset is because she may misunderstand you. Not to put words in your mouth, but you wouldn't be reconciling if you didn't value your marriage. Your wife looks at how you feel about your wedding anniversary as the same way you feel about your marriage. Telling her your wedding anniversary has no meaning is the same as telling her your marriage has no meaning.

Personally, I think you should suck it up and celebrate, not anything too extravagant if you,re not comfortable, but celebrate that you are still married and working on it. Don't ignore your wedding anniversary completely and don't use it as a day to bring up all the hurt from the affair. Save your problems with her and your lingering feelings about the affair for the day before or the day after, but not the day of your wedding anniversary.

You don't have to lie to her and say that you are completely over the affair and that you completely forgive her, but you don't have to tell her every lousy thing you're feeling, either, just like you wouldn't tell her you hate her hairstyle or her shoes or her butt looks fat in that dress. Just keep the negative things to yourself for that one day.

She is trying to get past this and heal the relationship and re-commit to you. If that's true, give her a break for this one day. If it's not true, then what difference does it make anyway?

The point is to work on your marriage. It is WORK for you sometimes, too.
 

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I'm more on the line of Will Kane albeit I admit I didn't "acknowledge" my first anniversaty date after DDay. I just couldn't. Eight months out od DDay after a two year affair coupled with abuse is hard to swallow.
Dinner out?
 

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I did the Bday thing in early Oct, while still in the process of making her feel guilty of her recently discovered A, although I had an undiscovered longterm A going on in the background at the same time.

As I said, Lmodel, our situations are quite different.

I figure 24 years at least deserves a card - whether she wants it or not.
 
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No you are not out of line at all. Forget about the day you got married. As you said that day is forever tarnished. Plus remind her that last year she was celebrating your anniversary by having an affair.

The old anniversary date was killed along with the old marriage by her affair.

I suggest if you make it to a year after the day you decided to R then have a little celebration. A new marriage deserves a new anniversary date.
 

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I did the Bday thing in early Oct, while still in the process of making her feel guilty of her recently discovered A, although I had an undiscovered longterm A going on in the background at the same time.

As I said, Lmodel, our situations are quite different.

I figure 24 years at least deserves a card - whether she wants it or not.
His bday was in Sept. I bought him a card and baked a cake. I let the kids and him celebrate. It was so hard to buy the stuff and bake it, but the kids needed to celebrate with him. I think a card for the anniversary will suffice.
 

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Our 14th anniversary is coming up in December. I am not planning anything. This is his chance to prove what our marriage means to him. He broke us....he needs to fix us.
I've always believed it's the guy's responsibility to plan an anniversary celebration anyway.
 

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Well, I do understand your reason for not wanting to celebrate it.
But what you said to your wife was somewhat spiteful. I've said some spiteful things to mine.

Would you rather she had just left with her AP to go and do whatever in their fantasy world until the reality bus ran them over? Or are you happy that she is still around in your life?

How would you expect her to treat the day? Like just another day? Or would you expect her to at least try and do something special? Would you be upset if she didn't do anything special?
 

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Our 14th anniversary is coming up in December. I am not planning anything. This is his chance to prove what our marriage means to him. He broke us....he needs to fix us.
Not a good idea to expect something special and not tell him. Guys in general are pretty clueless about this stuff. If you are usually talky and excited about upcoming events, he may take it as a hint not to do anything special if you remain silent about it when usually you would be talking it up. Don't expect him to be a mind reader.

To show you how differently men and women generally think about these things, you have several male betrayeds on this thread posting about how they DON'T want to celebrate their anniversary with their former cheaters, while you, a female betrayed, WANT to celebrate.

Lack of communication and false expectations will not help you reconcile.

Just something I notice in general, not just regarding infidelity, there are some women who expect men to intuitively just KNOW how the woman feels - that almost never happens and leads to a lot of misunderstandings.

There are a lot of books out there about men being from one planet and women from another.
 

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Well, you feel how you feel, but there's no need to be rude to your wife. I think her being upset is because she may misunderstand you. Not to put words in your mouth, but you wouldn't be reconciling if you didn't value your marriage. Your wife looks at how you feel about your wedding anniversary as the same way you feel about your marriage. Telling her your wedding anniversary has no meaning is the same as telling her your marriage has no meaning.

Personally, I think you should suck it up and celebrate, not anything too extravagant if you,re not comfortable, but celebrate that you are still married and working on it. Don't ignore your wedding anniversary completely and don't use it as a day to bring up all the hurt from the affair. Save your problems with her and your lingering feelings about the affair for the day before or the day after, but not the day of your wedding anniversary.

You don't have to lie to her and say that you are completely over the affair and that you completely forgive her, but you don't have to tell her every lousy thing you're feeling, either, just like you wouldn't tell her you hate her hairstyle or her shoes or her butt looks fat in that dress. Just keep the negative things to yourself for that one day.

She is trying to get past this and heal the relationship and re-commit to you. If that's true, give her a break for this one day. If it's not true, then what difference does it make anyway?

The point is to work on your marriage. It is WORK for you sometimes, too.
I am going to second this.

I refused to celebrate my anniversary with my wife and justified it by saying that 'I didn't feel like celebrating our last year of marriage.' The truth is that I was punishing her. And trying to control her by keeping her feeling guilty. I did this for months. It didn't help me get past anything and it came to a climax with me having an affair of my own.

You don't have to pretend that everything is better. If you really are after R, then look at it as celebrating the year to come. Hopefully it will be better.
 

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No you are not out of line at all. Forget about the day you got married. As you said that day is forever tarnished. Plus remind her that last year she was celebrating your anniversary by having an affair.

The old anniversary date was killed along with the old marriage by her affair.

I suggest if you make it to a year after the day you decided to R then have a little celebration. A new marriage deserves a new anniversary date.
This is a very good idea, but you have to let her know you are CHANGING your anniversary date and why you are changing it, not just deciding to never celebrate your marriage again.
 

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To show you how differently men and women generally think about these things, you have several male betrayeds on this thread posting about how they DON'T want to celebrate their anniversary with their former cheaters, while you, a female betrayed, WANT to celebrate.

I do not want to celebrate. I do not expect anything of him. I agree that it leads to nothing but being disappointed. I am just pointing out that if he wants to show how much he is trying and that our marriage means something to him NOW...this is his chance.
 

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Not a good idea to expect something special and not tell him. Guys in general are pretty clueless about this stuff...

True that

To show you how differently men and women generally think about these things, you have several male betrayeds on this thread posting about how they DON'T want to celebrate their anniversary with their former cheaters, while you, a female betrayed, WANT to celebrate.

Lack of communication and false expectations will not help you reconcile.

Just something I notice in general, not just regarding infidelity, there are some women who expect men to intuitively just KNOW how the woman feels - that almost never happens and leads to a lot of misunderstandings.

Case in point: Several years ago (12 to be exact) my W harped on and on - for weeks! - about how she didn't want to have any mention of her 40th birthday. I took her at her word - I planned nothing - even dissuaded others from having a bday party for her. Guess what? She got mad as a wet hen. Said I "should've known better". WTF?
:scratchhead:

There are a lot of books out there about men being from one planet and women from another.
 
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I do not want to celebrate. I do not expect anything of him. I agree that it leads to nothing but being disappointed. I am just pointing out that if he wants to show how much he is trying and that our marriage means something to him NOW...this is his chance.
So you don't want to celebrate...but you want him to?
(Insert head-scratcher doohickie here)

:scratchhead:
 

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The simple and sad fact is that he never plans anything for special days, including my bday. I have learned to never expect anything. However, I would be surprised and it would go along way in our healing for him to do something/anything. It is his time to prove that our marriage actually means something.
 

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If you are trying to reconcile, and your wife is sincere, remorseful and working hard at the reconciliation, then I would do something for your Anniversary. Assuming that YOU want to reconcile too, then it might be a chance to re-connect.

Reconciling means remorse and work on your wife's part but also forgiveness on your part. Unless you don't want to forgive. In which case, maybe you should re-think the reconciliation?
 
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