[CarolynsFingers]

My spouse and I suffer from endless communication, or lack of communication, issues.

1. I generally learn about big things involving him from third party persons chatting with him in my presence.

This past summer, I went to a party for one of his coworkers and people were talking about the new space a family member had purchased for him (pay back monthly) to expand his business. Reasoning/excuses; He can't tell me everything about his day, it is his business and not something I should or need to know, I might rain on his parade,

2. I can flat out ask him about a concern or issue and he will flat out tell me something while actually doing something else or lying.

A. He told me a coworkers husband had bought a new car without telling her. The he tells me someone has a new car for sale. Ding! Are you buying a new car and not telling me?! No, we can't afford that right now. And then goes calling insurance agent for pricing adding a new car as well as applying for the loan though the bank.

(How do I know? Because we were struggling to pay the current auto insurance bill and found out via the secretary that while I was calling to iron things out, he was calling to inquire abt new car and she told me - she must have thought we were nuts)

B. I expressed endless concerns about IRS taxes for his business for 4 years, he continually assured me (and my mom) that is was all good, he claimed losses. It wasn't ok. I just found out.

He says he doesn't lie, because he says nothing to me at all, or is ambiguous. Usually it's a play on words, last night it was that he was not buying a car "today," this is because it was Sunday at 9pm, so literally ... You get where that's going.

Opinions please and thanks in advance. I will be reading others posts and responding.

 

[Acorn]

My spouse and I suffer from endless communication, or lack of communication, issues.

1. I generally learn about big things involving him from third party persons chatting with him in my presence.

This past summer, I went to a party for one of his coworkers and people were talking about the new space a family member had purchased for him (pay back monthly) to expand his business. Reasoning/excuses; He can't tell me everything about his day, it is his business and not something I should or need to know, I might rain on his parade,

2. I can flat out ask him about a concern or issue and he will flat out tell me something while actually doing something else or lying.

A. He told me a coworkers husband had bought a new car without telling her. The he tells me someone has a new car for sale. Ding! Are you buying a new car and not telling me?! No, we can't afford that right now. And then goes calling insurance agent for pricing adding a new car as well as applying for the loan though the bank.

(How do I know? Because we were struggling to pay the current auto insurance bill and found out via the secretary that while I was calling to iron things out, he was calling to inquire abt new car and she told me - she must have thought we were nuts)

B. I expressed endless concerns about IRS taxes for his business for 4 years, he continually assured me (and my mom) that is was all good, he claimed losses. It wasn't ok. I just found out.

He says he doesn't lie, because he says nothing to me at all, or is ambiguous. Usually it's a play on words, last night it was that he was not buying a car "today," this is because it was Sunday at 9pm, so literally ... You get where that's going.

Opinions please and thanks in advance. I will be reading others posts and responding.

My take on it is that it isn't really communication issues that are bugging you, but rather a simple lack of trust that he's genuinely including you in things that affect your life.

Chances are, that's because the things that you are not included in are things he knows you won't like.

I would really try to change this cycle up somehow, because he's likely to play this game for as long as you let him. He needs to be motivated to change.

 

[CarolynsFingers]

Like a 5 year old that steals the candy because he doesn't have the money and his mom might say not today...

 

[Acorn]

Like a 5 year old that steals the candy because he doesn't have the money and his mom might say not today...

Yes, it's a very silly game and while I'm sure everyone has done it once or twice in their life, dealing with it on a daily basis is ugh.

Incidentally, at least to me, you are talking about car purchases and IRS issues, and these things are big deals that don't just go away. I'm sure you realize it, but this is serious. He can seriously affect the rest of your life with some of these decisions, and these are only the ones you know about.

You have a bit of a responsibility for shifting your mind set away from him acting like a child to you taking ownership of your life and not letting him treat you this way.

 

[Benevolence]

Do you have any say in what goes on in your marriage?

Does he involve you in any financial matters?

 

[NextTimeAround]

My exH would agree to social activities with other people, not tell me about these obligations but then talk about them loudly to other people in my presence.

I tried that open honest communication thing with my exH. All I got was,I forgot to tell you. I did it to him a couple of times. We received in the mail an invitation to one of (his) friends' christening. (I also felt that the wife of this couple was just a little too chummy with my exH) I never mentioned it to him and then put the card on the fireplace after the fact. Oh dear, I said, I thought I told you about it.

There were a combination of things that led to my divorce. I'm sure this contributed to it. And sorry, I don't at the moment have a solution.

 

[KathyBatesel]

My spouse and I suffer from endless communication, or lack of communication, issues.

1. I generally learn about big things involving him from third party persons chatting with him in my presence.

This past summer, I went to a party for one of his coworkers and people were talking about the new space a family member had purchased for him (pay back monthly) to expand his business. Reasoning/excuses; He can't tell me everything about his day, it is his business and not something I should or need to know, I might rain on his parade,

2. I can flat out ask him about a concern or issue and he will flat out tell me something while actually doing something else or lying.

A. He told me a coworkers husband had bought a new car without telling her. The he tells me someone has a new car for sale. Ding! Are you buying a new car and not telling me?! No, we can't afford that right now. And then goes calling insurance agent for pricing adding a new car as well as applying for the loan though the bank.

(How do I know? Because we were struggling to pay the current auto insurance bill and found out via the secretary that while I was calling to iron things out, he was calling to inquire abt new car and she told me - she must have thought we were nuts)

B. I expressed endless concerns about IRS taxes for his business for 4 years, he continually assured me (and my mom) that is was all good, he claimed losses. It wasn't ok. I just found out.

He says he doesn't lie, because he says nothing to me at all, or is ambiguous. Usually it's a play on words, last night it was that he was not buying a car "today," this is because it was Sunday at 9pm, so literally ... You get where that's going.

Opinions please and thanks in advance. I will be reading others posts and responding.

This sounds like a dangerous situation to me. As mentioned, it could destroy your financial security for him to behave like this.

What to do about it is a whole 'nother question. I don't think he's likely to change. Talking to him, pleading, demanding - it won't work. The only thing that MIGHT work is action on your part. If I was in your shoes, I'd be trying to think of a consequence he'd do ANYTHING to avoid and that I could make happen without his consent, and then I would put that consequence into play every single time one of these things happened. (Of course, I would tell him up front what I expected from him and how I would respond if he didn't meet those expectations.)

"I will cancel any purchases you make without my knowledge."
"I will place a fraud alert on your social security number to contact me if credit is sought."
"I will not speak to you for a week every time you omit telling me important information."

Could lead to change, or could lead to divorce.

 

[jumperdono]

the money and his mom might say not toda