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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all,

This a bit of a long one... If you feel able to respond to leave a comment, we'd appreciate it. Please reply to us as you would like to be spoken to yourself - peacefully and respectfully. Thank you.

I'm married (M37) to my wife (F34), for 11 years, together for 18 years in total. We've had the usual ups and downs and laughed and cried through them, but there's been a bit more and our attempts to fix it are falling short. So, I've been cheated on before, prior to my wife, which was crushing, but I didn't want sex before marriage, so understood why, but my wife made a few errors of judgement that to be honest, hurt a hundred times more. Please note; we learned recently that she is autistic. Catagorically; to the best of my knowledge she has NOT cheated on me, but she's lost that trust, this is why...

Shortly after we got married, there were a few incidents of abuse dotted over 3 years; she punched me the day after the wedding, a few days later started screaming at me and an old chap in the street, before pushing me down a cast iron stairwell; believe my that really hurts. Over the next few years, similar incidents happened a few times, I just thought "meh, troubled upbringing" so I just took it. Often she'd scream at me after alcohol, even up till a few weeks ago I'm yelled "F***" in front of our kids, both in public and private.

4 later years, she's pregnant with our first child, which was amazing. Then and I totally understand this, she switches into "Mummy" mode is natural; so, eventually it gets to the point that I say "wouldn't it be nice to spend a bit of time together, just share some coffee and chat?" - I wasn't even that concerned about sex as I respected we'd just had a baby, but the next 3 years became like this; I get up for work, come home, and she's upstairs settling the baby to bed when I get in, and stays upstairs all night. I'd do some chores watch some TV waiting for her to come down and eventually go to bed. I often only saw her at weekends even though we lived together. My concerns were ignored and the response was "it might be a problem for you, but it isn't for me". People started citing concerns that the lack of any time that we had together was going to come to a head.
3 years on, another child came into the mix, and it continued, I explained I was "dying inside" from lack of companionship, or any feeling of love - she insisted "it was only a problem for me" or get yelled at about "blame", (this stemmed from a childhood issue)

The parallel problem during this time was that any time I tried to talk to her, she'd take my children away, without my consent, and visit friends she'd met on the internet for a week. She'd say how awesome it was and constantly post away on FB about how great they were, how she'd made these great friends - I'm crying daily with loneliness even when they are home, devoid of affection and dying inside. I tried everything, then while it was in innocence, she met this man up up there, and for the better part of a year she didn't stop talking about him, posting on FB, on occasions I'd have a joke with her, She'd occasionally say "he already said that". A friend approached me with concerns that her FB activity was suggestive of an affair. Slowly, I began to become resentful, emasculated, and so on... On one occasion she asked me if she could stay up an extra night so she could spend the evening with him and the other couple could go out together, I even got a drunken phone call one night suggesting I finance a board-game idea this guy had. She told me "he makes her feel safe", (she has no recollection, of that, just like the physical abuse). After a few years of everything snowballing, I'd get louder and eventually aggressive in tone through frustration. Eventually I was diagnosed with severe depression. Then she'd have "harmless" jokes at my expense in front of friends thinking it was fun; it was humiliating. Over the years, people would say they were "embarressed for me", "they'd never speak about their husband/wife like that", and so on.

Then about a year back, a mutual friend started yelling at me in the street; instead of talking to me, my wife had taken all our private business, everything I'd said and repeated it to said person instead of talking to me - said person reminded me every time I saw her and made my life a misery, She'd done similar to other mutual friends. Just a 5 minute conversation and compromise was the woefully simple to solution before it became this mess. Then it got even worse...

Her phone was on our bed, buzzed to say a message arrived, so I just picked it up to see who the message was from so I could say; "hey, there's a message from...", just that. The message was from one of the "internet" friends and about me, and it was awful, horrible. I was so upset by this point (how can someone say this about me after all the effort I've put in) that I did something bad, and I'm openly confessing to; I read the conversation. I felt violated, emasculated and betrayed worse than cheating could ever be; everything I'd said with pain-staking effort to try and get us to talk and heal had been, relayed, verbatum but with adding that I'd say it in a a given way that vilified me. This included deeply private details about our sex life; I felt humiliated; the context had been stripped and changed, and of course, no-one wanted to hear my side. Suicide began to feel like a way out... this had been going on for ages, years. she tells me how she can be herself with these friends; of course they do, they're offering her solace from a problem that she refused to solve. Even now, its been made clear to me that if she has to choose, between us, it'll be these "friends", even though it'll would mean breaking up our family, putting the kids through Hell, and taking them and my wife away from the large community of friends they have here.

I'd even been buying them fortnightly fruit and veg boxes few a couple of years because thay had small children and no money, saved them from the Tax Man, given them a Playstation, offered one of them work for my company, to get better finances and education, "no thanks, happy where he is", yes, same place the guy I mentioned earlier lives. I've been told directly what they think of me, it's beyond awful (I won't reprint) and its based on half-truths. She wanted to fix that, so I gave her some private suggestions in an email as to what I'd say; so, again, she took my children from me, went up there, and then handed over the private message I'd written her.

Please can someone explain to my wife why I no longer wish for her to visit that place and why its become a red-line for me? And why she's lost my trust, and how all of the above turned our marriage into a mess?

Also, please kick my up the backside if you feel its appropriate. I've felt like an emasculated doormat given 0 respect for almost all of our relationship. Right back at the beginning, I've even had to see this woman in my bed with another guy on her.

Thanks all.
 

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your wife sounds like one of the most disgusting people i have heard of so far, and you sound like one of the weakest.

honestly, why on earth would you say that reading a text from a guy she is obviously having and emotional affair(and i seriously doubt it has not gone physical) with is a "bad thing"? bad thing? are you kidding me?! your wife sounds absolutely horrendous! like, i would have divorced her a LONG time ago horrendous. and your kids are growing up, thinking THAT is normal.

good lord man, divorce this waste of air. all you have to do is tell her that since she sees you as the one with all the problems, you will take that. no problem. since you are the one with all the problems, you will be the one to come up with the solution: DIVORCE!

im not embarrased for you. im ANGRY for you. your wife has completely destroyed you. so cast off your damn mis-attributed shame and take back YOUR life.
 

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Well it seems that your wife is violent, abusive and a cheat. If my spouse punched me in the face and pushed me down the stairs I would have left and certainly not had children who would also be in danger of abuse as well. You should have reported her to the police after she pushed you down those stairs. You could have been seriously hurt.
Why did you stay when she showed you several times early on that she cant be trusted, is violent and seems to have no self control at all?

Honestly I fear for your children being with her. She is probably already messing them up.

I think you need to make a record of all of the things she has done and see a lawyer. I have no idea why you think you have to put up with this abuse.

BTW being autistic isn't to blame. I know several autistic people and they are not violent.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Hi all, just a quick response; thank you so far, but please remember that I asked “speak as you would like to be spoken”. She has changed, and I mean that, but can we focus on explaining clearly why its no longer acceptable for her to visit this place if we are having a clean sheet?

I knew this would be inflammatory and maybe raw to some members, but we are looking at a fresh start, in a fresh country, all I want is for people to help her understand why trust is an issue and why I don’t want her visiting that place anymore.

Thank you all, please keep adding your thoughts on this.
 

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She has changed, and I mean that,

but can we focus on explaining clearly why its no longer acceptable for her to visit this place if we are having a clean sheet?
lol she ain't changed a bit if she needs that **** explained to her

edit: hold on, were you buying food for the kids of the guy she's having an affair with?

this is incredible
 

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Hi all, just a quick response; thank you so far, but please remember that I asked “speak as you would like to be spoken”. She has changed, and I mean that, but can we focus on explaining clearly why its no longer acceptable for her to visit this place if we are having a clean sheet?

I knew this would be inflammatory and maybe raw to some members, but we are looking at a fresh start, in a fresh country, all I want is for people to help her understand why trust is an issue and why I don’t want her visiting that place anymore.

Thank you all, please keep adding your thoughts on this.
that IS how i would want someone to talk to me if i were in your shoes...

here is the thing though, your wife doesn't get it if you still have to explain why it is not a good idea for her to do things that cause you pain.

so, just out of curiosity, how has your wife changed? when did she start this change? what has she done? has she apologized and shown any remorse for her behavior?
 

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So, OP, you're wanting to rugsweep years of abuse and cheating, while she doesn't understand why any of those things were wrong? Got it.

Okay, so some advice for the Mrs.: It's wrong to do things that hurt your spouse. It's doubly wrong to intentionally keep doing things that you've already been made clearly aware hurt your spouse. Abuse it bad. Cheating is bad. Lying is bad. Taking your spouse's children away is bad. Taking your children to spend time with random strangers you've met online is potentially very unsafe. So, stop abusing your husband. Stop cheating. And, yes, spending more emotional energy on and time with another man than you do with your husband, is absolutely cheating. Prioritizing another man over your husband is cheating. Yes, even if you and the other man supposedly aren't having sex. Stop lying. Stop taking the children away on a whim just to keep them from your husband. Stop endangering your children by exposing them to online strangers. And for pity's sake, stop demanding trust after you've spent years being patently untrustworthy. If any of this is in any way confusing or unclear, get yourself into therapy with a qualified mental health professional who can help you sort yourself out. You are not, and have apparently never been, marriage material. And you're quite possibly a danger to your children's both mental and physical health.

Some advice for Mr.: Get into therapy. Figure out what it is about you that has tolerated this relationship, and continues to tolerate it. An emotionally healthy person would have run for the hills years ago at the first sign of abusive behavior. You are as damaged as your wife is, if in different ways. Work on your self-esteem. Learn what a healthy relationship should look like. Fix your picker. Then you can decide what you'd like to do about your marriage - from a place of strength, rather than weakness, neediness, or a martyr complex.
 

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" its been made clear to me that if she has to choose, between us, it'll be these "friends", even though it'll would mean breaking up our family,"

Sir, make it so there is no choice for her. Kick her out. You do not have a family to break up. What you have is a woman with mental issues who is using and abusing you. Don't let your children see this for one more day - if you think you are hiding her poor treatment of you from them, you are kidding yourself. She has humiliated you, taken your business to neighbors, and on and on and on.

Get into a support group. Get into therapy Get an attorney. Get out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
So, first of all, the incident I said about at the end of my post was 16 years ago. This “mess” has since we’ve been married. A LOT has happened.

I haven’t said she’s having an affair- a friend observed her FB activity and said it looked like a possibility with that guy in the crowd that she was visiting, and then as I’ve said above it, really looks damning, doesn’t it? I don’t know if there has been, and this was what I had hoping that people here could explain; how bad it looks, and how her poor her actions have been.

It’s very, very early days, but remorse is there; tears (not crocodile ones, I can tell), she accepts she’s been a “**** wife, that’s brought me immense pain.”, she’s becoming obedient.

please I just want a peaceful debate.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thank you Rowan, that’s exactly the kind of response I’m looking for.

I knew this was going to touch nerves for a lot of people.
 

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In my view the problem is everything you do screams "I'M A DOORMAT!", and so you wife continues to treat you like one. I hate to tell you this but you had better lean to start manning up and by that I mean you should probably start by dumping your wife if she is really treating you so poorly. As it stand you are allowing all this to happen, even encouraging it.
 

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all I want is for people to help her understand why trust is an issue and why I don’t want her visiting that place anymore.
You've used the word "trust" once or twice, but I don't really see this as a trust issue. It's not (just) that you suspect she's maybe being (physically) unfaithful when there.
It's that you know for certain that she's doing quite inappropriate things: taking the children against your express wishes. Talking to others about you in a very negative way, including your sex life. I would find that an intolerable disloyalty.

I am not in a position to know whether any mental condition she may have, makes it impossible for her to understand that those things would make you unhappy. A few of things you've said, though, make it seem unlikely. Equally, I have no way to know if you have, in some way you've not mentioned, been horrible to her. Here, the presumption has to be that we're on your side, and we believe your version of the story. However just as she's told her version to her friends, you could be paralleling that behaviour here, I guess.

At the end of the day, you have to decide if you're in or out. But I don't think it's about whether you can trust her. You already know what she's been capable of.
 

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cdtaylor3 you are seriously codependant and you are an abused husband. She has abused you in every way a woman can abuse her husband: physical violence, mental, verbal and emotional abuse, neglect, adultery... the list goes on and on.

You need to go see a counselor, and then you need to go see a lawyer and get away from this vampire.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Thank you, Laurentium. And that’s key; this is written by me, however it is by her consent; she will be seeing this and all the replies so I’ve done my best to restrain hurt on my part.

All I’m interested in in is; can people help convey how serious her behaviour is? and also explain that even if she is a “different person” now, can people explain that I’m not “dwelling”.

If she hasn’t physically/emotionally cheated while away, and she is genuinely doing a U turn on her behaviour, I might be able to move forward with that.

Feeling “safe” is an odd thing to say, very definitely. Given she claims no recollection of hurting me, I’m inclined there is a mental health problem.
 

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cdtaylor's wife:
why does it need to be explained to you that cheating on your husband is a bad thing?

i'm sorry your husband is still dwelling on a bunch of things you hoped he had totally swept under the rug.

really though i hope he finds the courage to leave you

edit: why are you sticking around ruining his life? still need him to pay for your lover's kid's food?

edit 2: ok i can't help but be a super ******* posting in this thread so i'm going to stop.
 

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So, first of all, the incident I said about at the end of my post was 16 years ago. This “mess” has since we’ve been married. A LOT has happened.

I haven’t said she’s having an affair- a friend observed her FB activity and said it looked like a possibility with that guy in the crowd that she was visiting, and then as I’ve said above it, really looks damning, doesn’t it? I don’t know if there has been, and this was what I had hoping that people here could explain; how bad it looks, and how her poor her actions have been.

It’s very, very early days, but remorse is there; tears (not crocodile ones, I can tell), she accepts she’s been a “**** wife, that’s brought me immense pain.”, she’s becoming obedient.

please I just want a peaceful debate.

You did not say if your wife was having an affair, but I would like to impress upon you that confirmation of an affair is a mute point. The other things you have said about the marriage lead me to think this marriage is not good for your mental health. She emasculates you, she is childish, she is unloving, she is selfish, she is abusive. These are not things that she is growing out of!

You sound like a very sweet man who is willing to accommodate nearly everything. Think about your wedding vows: love (probably not), honor (oh, definitely not), cherish (not even a smidge)

You say she is remorseful. Ok, that's a start. But honestly, her history is so bad that I think she needs to come to the remorse and realizations about what she has done outside the marriage - a separation - because she does not seem to have much character and you seem to be willing to take whatever scrap is thrown to you. She has not cherished you - she has made a laughing stock out of you, literally. For your own mental health, I think you need to consider separation while you both decide if you want to enter counseling and continue the marriage.

She has taken your most personal thoughts and spread them around for a laugh. You should NOT be allowing her access to anything personal - thoughts, finances, sex. She has proven herself completely untrustworthy, and she has to re-gain your trust if she wants to be married to you. She does not get full access to you while she tries, if she tries.

You need to take better care of yourself.

Sorry if this seems harsh to you. You are not in a run of the mill, I am not happy with my spouse type situation.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Hi all,

Thank you very much for your replies. I needed her to understand why simply “forgetting” about everything isn’t that easy, and definitely why visiting said people is now a “red line” for me. That it’s not punishment, but eventually enough actions lead to hard consequences. I’m going to a nearby beach for a walk and to read through these again and really weigh everything up.

Have a peaceful day.
 
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