[YoungLoveHelp]

My husband and I are young (23) and have been together for 5 years (married for 2) and are just now recognizing our first real problem. We really have been in our 'honeymoon phase' throughout these years and are now leaving it. We have simply found we don't have anything to talk about (and perhaps never really have...). We also don't have a whole lot in common, but even when we do go out to dinner, or to an event down town we just have run out of things to say. We just really opened it up today and we talked about it and we know we love each other and we know this isn't either of our faults and we definitely don't want our marriage to end but we don't really know what to do. Looking for some advice, if anyone has been in a similar situation or maybe knows a good book on the topic?


Thanks!

 

[LovesHerMan]

Interesting problem. The news of the day always works for us. What does he think about the satellite crashing into the ocean? Should we continue to fund NASA? Should the Palestinians be applying for UN membership?

Politics and human nature are also favorite topics for us. Are the Democrats or Republicans right in the budget fight? How can we create more jobs? How do men vs women look at emotional and physical affairs? How would you resolve this problem with a co-worker? How does your childhood affect your outlook on life? Why do people do the crazy things they do? That kind of thing.

This may be a bit much for 23 year olds, but discussion of human nature is an endless topic for us. Ask open ended questions that require discussion. My guess would be that your guy is action oriented, and does not like to discuss things. Does he like to talk about sports?

If he is an introvert, give him lots of time to think about things. Do not fill up silence with chatter. Let him get his thoughts together first.

 

[mattverg89]

I can somewhat relate to your situation. I am 22 and my wife is 23. We've been married now for 9 months. Not a long time, but we have been together for about a little over 2 years now. We spent 6-7 years though communicating online.

I have never had any trouble with communication between one another but my method was to help her by helping teach her new things that she never had interest in. I'm not sure of it being the other way around but maybe if you educate yourself in some of the things he likes?

A big one for guys would be sports. Now i'm not saying you have to be all up into sports but just do some research in whatever sport he enjoys and throw in some of your two cents about it.

For example, i'm a huge addict and fan of professional boxing. Now if I mention some of the biggest names out there in boxing like Floyd Mayweather, Manny Pacquiao, Bernard Hopkins, she would look at me with a clueless look. Her method of fix was to sit down and watch boxing with me. Since I knew she doesn't know much about the sport, I explain things to her so she can understand what's going on.

I am fascinated with the idea and I adore her effort to do things like this for me! Another big one is watching my type of movies versus her chick flicks. I appreciate her effort and she will ask questions and I am more willing to answer her about movies.

I think a good way to help make topic is just ask more questions. Learn more about your significant other and then with those answers try and research or gain interest in those fields of topic. As the other poster had said, politics and news are good areas to discuss as well.

When I come back from college in the mornings, my wife always asks me how was school and i'll let her know but she has accommodated to asking me about things within school whether it be what we covered for the day or transition to politics, plans for the day, and so on.

My last suggestion, is not really a suggestion but just personal experience, and I am in no way condoning it as a method to create discussion, but the biggest thing that keeps us on our toes and constantly having things to talk about and share times together is our 1 year old daughter. When all else fails, our daughter becomes the center of attention! Now I know this is way far fetched but later on in your guys future when you two are ready, which I don't want to indulge in your personal life in no way, this might be something that will help create discussion and make progress worth while in the relationship.

Like I said though, i'm not condoning this as a solution because a child becomes a huuuugeeeeeeee responsibility and for me, it set me 5-10 years backwards in education and finances. So my point is, when things are in the later future, and if it is a subject that arises, this might also be a fixer to such a situation.

 

[Prodigal]

Find some common interests that you can discuss. I love pro football, my ex couldn't stand it. However, we both loved going to Civil War battle reenactments. Being that he was an Army officer, I would ask him why certain troop movements were occuring during battle. With his background, he could supply in-depth answers.

My husband was very well-read, and while I was taking law courses, he would read the cases I was assigned. We would frequently discuss the merits of a judicial decision. We also had agree-to-disagree (quite civil and polite) political discussions during dinner; he being pro-gun control and pro-abortion, while I was anti-gun control and anti-abortion.

I also recall being 23. At that time, dinner discussion centered around what I did with my day, who was dating who, what couple seemed likely to marry next, plans for a weekend getaway, or how to stay on our budget.

This is coming from someone who is old enough to be your mother (and then some), but once the initial thrill of sex wears off, we need to have more in our relationships; in other words, the honeymoon phase is over and it's time to move on to the nit-and-grit of navigating our needs, wants, desires, and how to effectively communicate.

Find a few common interests to share, and you will be pleasantly surprised to find you probably have plenty to discuss.

 

[that_girl]

My husband and I hit the same problem...although when dating, we had TONS of interests that we shared and would talk for hours about them.

But kids and life and bills and work take over usually....

Now we talk politics (which we agree on) and our old favorite topics like history, music and the metaphysical.

Just gotta make the time for it, I guess.

 

[SepticChange]

Hmm, I have a feeling my H and I will hit this phase soon enough. We're both somewhat quiet people anyway and we can spend most of our car rides not saying anything but we both seem to be comfortable with the silence.

 

[marksaysay]

My husband and I are young (23) and have been together for 5 years (married for 2) and are just now recognizing our first real problem. We really have been in our 'honeymoon phase' throughout these years and are now leaving it. We have simply found we don't have anything to talk about (and perhaps never really have...). We also don't have a whole lot in common, but even when we do go out to dinner, or to an event down town we just have run out of things to say. We just really opened it up today and we talked about it and we know we love each other and we know this isn't either of our faults and we definitely don't want our marriage to end but we don't really know what to do. Looking for some advice, if anyone has been in a similar situation or maybe knows a good book on the topic?


Thanks!

I would venture to guess this wasn't a problem a few years back when you were dating. What has happened, I bet, is you have stopped enjoying each other and having fun together. As suggested, find some common interests and have at it.

Most couples, during courtship, both do things they don't like to do simPly because you just wanted to be with he other. Now that you're married, you or he or both don't have a desire to do what the other likes anymore. A man once told me "the things it took to get her (or him) are the same things it takes to keep her (or him)". If you stopped wanting to watch football with him and he stopped wanting to go window shopping at the mall (just examples), then I understand why you are here. The fact is, the more you enjoy common activities and interests, the more you'll have to talk about.
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[alphaomega]

Just pick a topic. Any topic.

Ask each other if they needed to create a bucket list in life this instance, what would be in it.

Ask about dreams. Plans. Where would your dream holiday would be. Does he like croissants. Whatever comes to mind.

Go on the Internet and pick one topic, save it for home, pour some wine, and talk about it.

I have tendencies also to not know shat conversation starters to use. It really takes a lot of practice but comes easier the more you do it.
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[Enchantment]

Are you saying that you can't make 'small talk' with each other versus being able to discuss larger issues - relationship issues, joint decision-making things, etc. ?

Do you both enjoy peacefulness? Neither my H nor I are big talkers - we talk with each other about the large things, but we can be together in companionable silence a lot of the time without having a lot of idle chit-chat. Seems to work for us.

God Bless.

 

[YoungLoveHelp]

Thank you all for your suggestions! There are some good ones we will have to try! I feel much better now that I have some ideas =)


Also, It's not the big things we have trouble talking about (we talked about this problem afterall) But, for example, last weekend we went down town where there was a bunch of local bands and we walked around for a few hours, and neither of us can remember a single thing we talked about. I felt it was a comfortable silence, but he is much more of an extrovert then I and desires more conversation in our relationship. We fear our major differences do hinder our conversation (specifically he's now an Athiest, while I'm still a Christian). I'm afraid to bring up some topics because I fear conflict (and he has very strong opinions) but perhaps it's OK to 'agree to disagree' as one of you said.

 

[southbound]

Are you saying that you can't make 'small talk' with each other versus being able to discuss larger issues - relationship issues, joint decision-making things, etc. ?

Do you both enjoy peacefulness? Neither my H nor I are big talkers - we talk with each other about the large things, but we can be together in companionable silence a lot of the time without having a lot of idle chit-chat. Seems to work for us.

God Bless.

YoungLoveHelp, I'm divorced, but my nature is like Enchantment; I'm not a big talker and I enjoy the peace of silence sometimes. I think anyone can talk if they have something they want or need to talk about, but if I don't, I'm not one to drag up politics, current events, or sports just to break the silence.

My Aunt is a huge talker. She calls my mom from time to time and blabs for an hour. My mom is usually ready to shoot herself by the time she hangs up.:rofl:

What is your situation? Is it creating distance in your relationship? Does one of you bring up a topic and the other just sits there? I'm just the type who doesn't get alarmed because I'm not talking a lot, so I guess it seems more normal to me. How are things going aside from not talking a lot?

 

[SimplyAmorous]

Here is something FUN to do with your spouse.

Start with a TEST like this --also there are many many funny tests on this site to take, and you will find many things to laugh about and talk about.

******* | Take The Brutally Honest Personality Test

I've never taken this one, but I bet it is good >>

******* | Take The 5 Love Languages Test


Here is a thread with a very similar subject so you can get a feel of how others keep the communication burning in thier marraiges.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/31384-so-ladies-what-do-you-want-talk-about-today.html

 

[YoungLoveHelp]

YoungLoveHelp, I'm divorced, but my nature is like Enchantment; I'm not a big talker and I enjoy the peace of silence sometimes. I think anyone can talk if they have something they want or need to talk about, but if I don't, I'm not one to drag up politics, current events, or sports just to break the silence.

My Aunt is a huge talker. She calls my mom from time to time and blabs for an hour. My mom is usually ready to shoot herself by the time she hangs up.:rofl:

What is your situation? Is it creating distance in your relationship? Does one of you bring up a topic and the other just sits there? I'm just the type who doesn't get alarmed because I'm not talking a lot, so I guess it seems more normal to me. How are things going aside from not talking a lot?

I am also like you where I don't feel the need to fill the silence all the time, but my husband is not. He said he feels the lack of conversation is harmful to the relationship and has caused him to feel unfulfilled in our relationship in that area.

 

[SimplyAmorous]

I am also like you where I don't feel the need to fill the silence all the time, but my husband is not. He said he feels the lack of conversation is harmful to the relationship and has caused him to feel unfulfilled in our relationship in that area.

My husband is not the conversationalist that I am, sometimes I just really LOVE and enjoy some friends over, particularly our one debating friend- cause we can go at it for hours - he asks me as many thought provoking questions as I ask him - sometimes I just need a fix of that.

But one thing I LOVE about my husband is.... so long as I start a conversation, he is always happy to engage in it, never gets tired of it, tired of me, it doesn't wear him down where he is headed for the door, so I really can't complain, he can build off of whatever subject we get into.

I have watched others stand there and engage him for hours before, where I needed to pull him away- just to get him back. But he isn't likely one to start these conversations, he lets others throw something at him. But he always has something to bounce back at them. He keeps it going pretty good. I will give him that. He is just a good engager I guess, but not a starter. I am a good starter and engager.

Sometimes it is alot of fun to be around other starters to throw new subjects to the mix -like some of those friends of ours.

 

[rikithemonk]

My husband and I are young (23) and have been together for 5 years (married for 2) and are just now recognizing our first real problem. We really have been in our 'honeymoon phase' throughout these years and are now leaving it. We have simply found we don't have anything to talk about (and perhaps never really have...). We also don't have a whole lot in common, but even when we do go out to dinner, or to an event down town we just have run out of things to say. We just really opened it up today and we talked about it and we know we love each other and we know this isn't either of our faults and we definitely don't want our marriage to end but we don't really know what to do. Looking for some advice, if anyone has been in a similar situation or maybe knows a good book on the topic?


Thanks!

The reason you have nothing to say is because you don't do anything. You have to have experiences in order to have something to talk about.

 

[southbound]

I am also like you where I don't feel the need to fill the silence all the time, but my husband is not. He said he feels the lack of conversation is harmful to the relationship and has caused him to feel unfulfilled in our relationship in that area.

It appears you don't feel the "need" but your husband does. So, what form does it take? Is your husband a "big conversationalist" with other people; is talking a lot his nature and not so much yours?
Does he bring up topics and they just die? Is he wanting recreational conversation, or is there difficulty with discussing important issues, like the family budget, etc?

 

[YoungLoveHelp]

My husband is a big conversationalist, but apparently not as good at starting the conversations. I also have a hard time starting conversations(and don't really talk very much), so I think that's where some if the problem is. If it's something important we need to talk about (like money or relationship issue such as this) then we talk about that, but it's hard to just strike up conversation when we are relaxing.

 

[newwife07]

I agree with rikithemonk... spend a day or two apart and you'll be back to normal. How could you have anything to talk about when all you have are the same experiences?