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Long story short, my wife and I have been married for five years. Known each other for 14 years since we were teenagers and have always been in love with each other, but never dated. Stayed in touch and I went to college and she went into the Air Force. I finally had enough and the day she came home from basic training, I was waiting on her doorstep. All downhill from there. Fell in love, got married, and had a great marriage by all accounts. I was blessed with a stepson and raised him like my own for over half his life. On the same page financially, parenting, good sex life, great conversation, did things together and things apart, we both tried new things with each other. Just fantastic overall.

Fast forward to this summer and she starts a new job in a new office. I noticed that she was talking about this one guy quite a bit and I told her I was a little uncomfortable and wanted her to make some space. I didn't need to hear about him all the time. Well, she stopped talking about him, but obviously with this person being at work, the table was already set. I got a chance to meet this guy at one of her office outings and was very unimpressed. My wife is 27, he is 41 and on his third divorce. Real piece of work. Has a gay flare to him so I could imagine why women feel very comfortable around him. I told my wife the next morning that I didn't like this guy one bit and I don't want her around him. All is quiet for a few weeks and then things got weird. She shut off physically, emotionally, new passwords on her phone, lots of texts, minutes, and emails between them. Nothing incredibly incriminating, but I knew the wheels were in motion. I confronted and she continued to lie. She was gone a lot and one night she was at the bar and didn't come home when she said she going to so I pulled out the trusty ole "find my iphone" app. I watched as she drove down to a dirt road, parked for about 15 mins and then came home. I confronted and she cracked. She said she had been drinking and made a stupid mistake. She said she wanted to see him and they kissed. I called bull****, but she said she would take a lie detector test and that is really all that happened. It doesn't matter, it's an affair and I have proof. She promptly grabbed her and our sons stuff and moved in with her parents. It's been 4 weeks since then and I have pleaded with her, I 've been to counseling every week, she has been twice, we have talked and talked and he hasn't budged. She is giving me all of the typical affair fog talks. The ILYBNIL, the "your not the husband for me, the denial (even after getting caught and admitting), the cruelty, the gaslighting, rewriting history, everything has been textbook. She has not once acknowledged my feelings or what she has done. She is a completely different person right now. I've exposed and everyone is extremely hurt and confused. Her family is very angry with her and confused at her actions. We were just in Florida on vacation to see her family in August and she was telling them how much she loved me and how good of a husband I was. She will not return their calls or anything (to her own family). I think it's because she is in the hot seat. I asked her to cut off her communication with this guy and she jumps around the answer. She is really jacked up and moving forward with the divorce and I'm afraid it will be too late. I know she loves me. I was there and I have looked through the pictures. I saw a woman in love, very recently. I'm lost, lonely, and heartbroken. I want to prevent her from making this mistake, but nothing is getting through. Tried tough love, but nothing. Am I heading for divorce?
 

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She cannot take her sons and use them to emotionally blackmail you... She is probably is using the separation to continue the affair. Inform her work place about the affair

how convenient that the first time they "kissed" was the day you caught them ? You don't even have 1% of the story and the total extent of betrayal

Is the OM married ?
 

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Discussion Starter #3
He is divorced three times over actually.

Her workplace is the only place I have not exposed. I am worried that if she loses her job that my son will suffer. I call him my son, but he is really my stepson. I don't want him to pay for mommy's mistakes. Is exposing at her workplace really gonna change anything at this point? She wants to move forward with divorce. Won't that push her closer to it?
 

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STOP trying to win her back
You cannot reason with her and you can not win her back ,if she does not want to come back she will not.
Protect yourself emotionally and legally
Do the 180 ( if you wand a link to the list search my post there is a post with the title 180) , the 180 is for you you ,to detach from her
Find a lawyer not just a good lawyer but a shark
 

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She is really jacked up and moving forward with the divorce and I'm afraid it will be too late. I know she loves me. I was there and I have looked through the pictures. I saw a woman in love, very recently. I'm lost, lonely, and heartbroken. I want to prevent her from making this mistake, but nothing is getting through. Tried tough love, but nothing. Am I heading for divorce?
I am sorry you were blindsided.

The fact is that people in happy, good marriages still cheat. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

She likely just has that inclination.

I think you need to read up on the 180 at this site.

Let her go, and she may come running back.

Act like you mean it, too, even if you don't.

Get dressed up, go out with friends or alone, let her see you being happy and carefree.

She may turn around.

Still, you might find yourself so happy without her and with your new self that you don't want her anymore.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I've given up on the begging and pleading. It didn't work. I did tell her yesterday that this does not have to happen. That I will walk this road with you and we can come out stronger and better. Her response was, "I'm not in love with you and you may not be the husband for me". I asked her what her "husband" would look like and she said she didn't know. Sounded like a bull**** answer to me. It's unbelievable to me how quickly she turned into a monster. People will probably say that she has been unhappy for a long time and that there were probably signs you ignored, but I don't see anything major looking back. I saw a happy, in love person. Maybe she deserves five Oscar nominations, but I don't think you can fake love.
 

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Sara, I think you may be right about that to some extent. Her dad cheated on her mom when she was in 7th grade and then mom did it right back two years later. They stayed married, but only on paper. They are VERY emotionally unavailable people.
 

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People will probably say that she has been unhappy for a long time and that there were probably signs you ignored, but I don't see anything major looking back.

I saw a happy, in love person. Maybe she deserves five Oscar nominations, but I don't think you can fake love.
People may say that but they will be wrong.

Many famous marriage counselors acknowledge that people in happy marriages cheat, they become infatuated with another person and think the grass is greener.

They usually wake up when it's too late and the loving faithful spouse is looooong gone or just not interested in reconciling, anymore.

Trust your image of the marriage, even if she tries to rewrite the marital history as so many cheaters do.
 

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I do and I have tried to talk to her about all of the memories we had. She doesn't see them and doesn't want to hear it. Even after all she has put me through the past two months, I will never look back at this and say it was a bad marriage. It was incredibly special to me. I just hope it's not too late by the time she wakes up. Only takes 90 days to get a divorce in Colorado.
 

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He is divorced three times over actually.

Her workplace is the only place I have not exposed. I am worried that if she loses her job that my son will suffer. I call him my son, but he is really my stepson. I don't want him to pay for mommy's mistakes. Is exposing at her workplace really gonna change anything at this point? She wants to move forward with divorce. Won't that push her closer to it?
You have nothing to lose when you have nothing.

You tell her work. What's the worst thing that happens.
1. She loses her job BECAUSE OF WHAT SHE DID! (don't lose sight of who's responsible. Blaming you is like blaming the witness of a murder, and not the murderer) You are a witness reporting it.
She needs to accept the FULL consequences of her actions and having an office affair has consequences sometimes.

2. It wakes her up because she wakes up one morning, no husband, no happy life, no job and just this 41 year old man who doesn't know how to have a relationship. Now it might be too late to repair it with you or it might not be.

You can choose to do nothing and get nothing or you can choose to do something and get "something" (which isn't worse than nothing at the moment).
 

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You have nothing to lose when you have nothing.

You tell her work. What's the worst thing that happens.
1. She loses her job BECAUSE OF WHAT SHE DID! (don't lose sight of who's responsible. Blaming you is like blaming the witness of a murder, and not the murderer) You are a witness reporting it.
She needs to accept the FULL consequences of her actions and having an office affair has consequences sometimes.

2. It wakes her up because she wakes up one morning, no husband, no happy life, no job and just this 41 year old man who doesn't know how to have a relationship. Now it might be too late to repair it with you or it might not be.

You can choose to do nothing and get nothing or you can choose to do something and get "something" (which isn't worse than nothing at the moment).
Tell her workplace that you are keeping your legal options open in this matter also.
 

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I've given up on the begging and pleading. It didn't work. I did tell her yesterday that this does not have to happen. That I will walk this road with you and we can come out stronger and better. Her response was, "I'm not in love with you and you may not be the husband for me". I asked her what her "husband" would look like and she said she didn't know. Sounded like a bull**** answer to me. It's unbelievable to me how quickly she turned into a monster. People will probably say that she has been unhappy for a long time and that there were probably signs you ignored, but I don't see anything major looking back. I saw a happy, in love person. Maybe she deserves five Oscar nominations, but I don't think you can fake love.
This is a hard pill to take but she's probably looking for a man who when punched in the face...punches back, not asks for more.

NEVER EVER beg or plead with anyone who has wronged you. 1. IF they stay, they have total control and WILL do it again, (or still) because they did it once and YOU were the one begging, not them.
2. By you pleading with her, you're not showing her what she's losing.

She turned you into a cuckhold and you begged her to stay....
 

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I've given up on the begging and pleading. It didn't work. I did tell her yesterday that this does not have to happen. That I will walk this road with you and we can come out stronger and better. Her response was, "I'm not in love with you and you may not be the husband for me". I asked her what her "husband" would look like and she said she didn't know. Sounded like a bull**** answer to me. It's unbelievable to me how quickly she turned into a monster. People will probably say that she has been unhappy for a long time and that there were probably signs you ignored, but I don't see anything major looking back. I saw a happy, in love person. Maybe she deserves five Oscar nominations, but I don't think you can fake love.
I got the "I love you but not in love with you" speech about 12 months into my WW's affair.

Cutting a long story short, I tried writing letters, being "nice" and so on. I ended up cutting her off and it seemed to terrify her. She would go on and on about how she still wanted to be friends if we split up.

Now, as it happens, she was continuing her (very) physical affair with another man she thought she loved. He, too, is a POS. A lying loser. A philanderer. A fop. Of course I had NO IDEA at the time. At least you do know.

18 months later her affair finished and I found out (she told me) and she genuinely realises her mistake.

My point is, there is hope. Turn your back on her. Be firm. If you don't she will think you will always be there.

I didn't realise at the time, but my insistence that I would never talk to my WW again I believe made her stay.

My WW cannot believe what she did. I've seen her so low because of it. It *is* a fog. It *is* an addiction.

Heck, even Shakespeare wrote about this very thing in, amongst other plays, Romeo and Juliet (about Romeo's love for Rosaline).

If you want your wife then turn away from her. I believe it will be your best hope.
 

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Well she gave me some bull**** statement saying that she hasn't been in love with me for over two years. I just don't believe it. I was there, I have the memories, I have looked at the pictures. I know when my wife is faking something. I just don't see it. I believe the fog has her all effed up.
 

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Chris, do I completely turn away and tell her I am done with her? Obviously, there is a piece of me that wants her to get her head out of her ass and come back when she wakes up, but I don't want to make that obvious. When she does wake up, I don't want her to feel like she can't. Oh man, this is so effin stupid.
 

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Well she gave me some bull**** statement saying that she hasn't been in love with me for over two years. I just don't believe it. I was there, I have the memories, I have looked at the pictures. I know when my wife is faking something. I just don't see it. I believe the fog has her all effed up.
She's rewriting the history of your marriage to assuage the huge amount of guilt she is feeling subconciously. It's a form of self-brtainwashing and comes right out of the Cheaters 101 Handbook. She cannot face the ugliness of what she is doing so she creates an alternate reality for herself.

Your wife is in the fog...a self induced psychosis. No amount of talking will get her back. She has to get double-crossed and dumped by the OM before she wakes up and snaps out of her illusion.

Someday down the road she may come to you cap in hand, begging for forgiveness, but most likely you will have replaced her with a more dependable model and moved on with your life.

I pity her actually.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

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Look around the house and see if you can find your balls.

You want her to see this.............You hope she does not do this............You are afraid to do X because of what she might do........You do not want to push her away..........You hope she wakes up.................

What have you actually done besides being paralyzed by fear?

You need to file for divorce right now and stop asking, begging, pleading, talking to her.

Believe it or not - your behavior so far has made you look weak and pathetic in her eyes. Not very attractive. Tell her you are filing and do it. Tell her to go live her life because you are through with her and no longer care what she does.

Go out and have some fun on your own. Work out. Buy some new clothes. Go out with friends.

She may notice and she may not. Either way you need to learn to live for yourself and not depend on her.
 

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Doing the 180 is something very hard. Prior to the betrayal, all of your memories are of a loving wife. But that's not the case.

The key here to recognize is were you a loving husband? I assume yes....and what did you get? You wife bonking another guy.

Have you ever heard of reverse psychology? The 180 has a similar affect. She has already dismissed the loving husband, being more loving will only push her to dismiss you MORE. It's like "the gas caught fire...So put more gas on it". Doesn't work. You need to change strategies. Also you need to look deep within and see your wife in ALL of her glory. You're not comprehending exactly what she did yet.
 
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