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I’ve changed my mind. Given the new info, I suggest that you pretend to reluctantly agree to allow the status quo. Then accidentally have a pregnancy or two. It will put you on equal footing with the baby mama.

At that point, if he continues to date her, he should be seriously and correctly concerned that you will vindictively prevent him and his family from EVER seeing your child(ren) again. Show him that you are totally ready and willing to go nuclear.

God allowed his only begotten son to die in order to help his bride.

And your anger at his family is not displaced. It is fully justified.
Equal footing? Ummm no.

She goes behind his back and manipulates an already tenous situation by bringing an innocent baby into this mess?No.

That would make her dishonest and lower than the baby momma.


No. You Never bring kids into a broken family, nor do you use them as leverage to save a marriage.
 

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This is not a good situtation. the irony here is that while your husband is treating the ex as if she were his current wife, he's expecting you to act like a wife. So the ex can date other men but there will be hell to pay if you do. He may start ensuring that you pay for stuff around the house while he saves as much money as possible to spend on the ex and his child and the rest of that family.

Imagine how you are going to feel when the ex starts bringing to these outings and your husband starts paying for this guy as well.
 

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This isn't about feelings like loneliness and neglect. This is about power and tactics.

If W is right and H is a good man, having a baby will be viewed by H as a blessing. He will quickly adjust. (Good outcome.)

if the cynics are right and H isn't a saint, the simplest solution for H is to divorce W, reconcile with OW and become a family. Happily, the other child's father is out of the picture, allowing H to easily step in as father to both kids - no baby daddy drama. As he values his relationship with his son over W, he can (and did) tell W to accept the situation or I'll divorce you. He will tell W not to get pregnant "right now," then divorce W so that he can have all of his children by one woman. (Bad outcome for W. )

If the cynics are right but W has a baby, the analysis changes. There is no longer any easy solution for H. If his goal is to be in the life of his children, he will have two mothers to please and cannot issue any ultimatums. All children by one woman is no longer possible for H. The simplest solution for H is to stay with W and have visitation with his kid by OW. (Good outcome.)

Yes, a possible scenario if W had a baby is single motherhood with child support. Another scenario is he divorces W and she never remarries (at least in time to have kids) and ends up childless. W can decide which of these two scenarios - single motherhood or childless and alone - is worse.

Having a baby will not fix a bad relationship between a H and W. But this isn't about a bad marriage, it's about power and leverage.

H's family played hardball. OW is playing hardball. H is playing hardball. I fail to see how W playing nice girl will be helpful to her interests.

BTW, if I were H and single, I would try to reconcile with OW and have one family. I'd want to avoid two young, competing families at all costs. I would have been pissed at my family for reaching out to OW and son before my wedding, just like H. I wouldn't want two simultaneous families if I could avoid it. But once I had a kid with both women, there would be no point in leaving W. I'm telling you how I would react to these scenarios, and from what I've read, it appears that H and I see it the same way.
.......Or she divorces, gets alimony, starts over with a man who cares for her, has a child and creates a brand new family with ZERO strings attached.

There are hundreds of choices not just your two.

Blended families have an entirely different set of problems and logistics.
 

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.......Or she divorces, gets alimony, starts over with a man who cares for her, has a child and creates a brand new family with ZERO strings attached.

There are hundreds of choices not just your two.

Blended families have an entirely different set of problems and logistics.
He is promoting the misguided notion that she will never again have a chance at family and happiness. I hated reading that because it seems to be one of her fears, one that he is enjoying preying on.

The only thing I've been wondering is what it is she is hesitant to tell us about. She used to make good money but now she doesn't. So what happened? Why did it end and why can't she make good money again?
 

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Another option:

You and the OW look alike, are both overweight, but she has a lot more money. You delayed children because you valued your free time with H, but now he’s spending your free time going out and “not dating” the OW.

Instead of twiddling your thumbs, I’d suggest that you focus like a laser on getting in shape. Change your diet and hit the gym. Get a playlist with songs about revenge and karma, like Demi Lovato’s “Sorry Not Sorry” and Justin Timberlake’s “What Goes Around Comes Back Around.” While he’s out with her, you ride the treadmill or elliptical. Use this situation as rocket fuel to improve yourself. Get into the best shape of your life and give yourself an edge over her. (And if things don’t work out, it will help you in the dating market.)

After you’ve lost about 15 pounds (or he makes a comment about how you’re looking great), tell H that you’ve been thinking. He’s spending all this time with another woman, texting her 20 times a day, and while the fact that she’s had two kids by two different men doesn’t necessarily mean she’s a cheap sl... slattern, you are concerned for your health. Although you understand he claims he’s not cheating, his actions and words have damaged your trust. From now on, as long as he continues going on “not dates” with the OW, you will not have sex with him (including oral) unless he is wearing a latex condom every time.
 

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Get the book Surviving An Affair. It will explain that he is having an emotional affair and what to do about it. Many here can provide you more on that. If he's admitting what he's admitting, he should be open to you explaining to him what an emotional affair is. Most people have never heard of it and think they can 'just be friends'; but they can't.

He is getting what's called PEA chemicals in his body right now from her (look it up). Basically, any time a person spends time with a person of the opposite sex, chances are high that 'high' you get from the PEA chemicals will convince you that you're 'in love' with that person. That's where he is headed by spending time with her.

IF you want to save the marriage, he has to learn this stuff, and then admit that he has to stop spending any time with her. Period. If he had married her and then divorced her, he wouldn't be spending time with her, right? So why is this different? He needs to accept that he has to stop; keep picking up the child, but the mother is off limits. If he won't do that, you will end up divorced. I guarantee it. I'm not trying to be mean; I'm using my 20 years' experience seeing hundreds of cases like yours and how they turn out.

PS, please break your posts into paragraphs; it's really hard to read in one long block.
 

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Get the book Surviving An Affair. It will explain that he is having an emotional affair and what to do about it. Many here can provide you more on that. If he's admitting what he's admitting, he should be open to you explaining to him what an emotional affair is. Most people have never heard of it and think they can 'just be friends'; but they can't.

He is getting what's called PEA chemicals in his body right now from her (look it up). Basically, any time a person spends time with a person of the opposite sex, chances are high that 'high' you get from the PEA chemicals will convince you that you're 'in love' with that person. That's where he is headed by spending time with her.

IF you want to save the marriage, he has to learn this stuff, and then admit that he has to stop spending any time with her. Period. If he had married her and then divorced her, he wouldn't be spending time with her, right? So why is this different? He needs to accept that he has to stop; keep picking up the child, but the mother is off limits. If he won't do that, you will end up divorced. I guarantee it. I'm not trying to be mean; I'm using my 20 years' experience seeing hundreds of cases like yours and how they turn out.
Agreed. Somebody other than you has to explain to him why what he’s doing is unacceptable. If he won’t go to counseling and won’t read up, then this will end badly.
 

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According to some people above, it’s common behavior from new stepdads. It’s possible he doesn’t really understand what he’s doing and where this is going to end up.


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The OP's husband is not a step dad to his son.

What syndrome is it called when he's thinking he could have a second chance with his baby mama?
 

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Sadly, this is all you need to know. All the other stuff really is just background noise.

Your options are to accept it forever or divorce. Not see a counselor as you suggested. Respectfully, why would you need to see a counselor? You know to your core this is not right.

And I still maintain that it's not a good idea to have a child without fully resolving this situation to your satisfaction. What if your husband doesn't come around like you think he will? What then? Are you ready to shoulder the burden of raising a child alone in a troubled marriage, or worse, you divorce anyway, then you're a single mom?
Agree with @lucy999. He has already told you who he is and what he would do and remember the famous quote "when someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time." do not waste any more time beating yourself up, looking for the rosy ending, he has firmly told you what you mean to him and quite frankly you are on the outside looking in.
No, he is not a good husband, a good husband leaves his mother and father and is CLEAVED to his wife not his baby's mama! Why can't you see that?

Do not have any more sex with him, no babies with him. And please stop talking about how religious you both are, that is utter nonsense, if your H had been so God-fearing he would not have stuck it to a woman he was not married to, and been 'unequally yoked' to a woman (baby's mama) who obviously has no problem in having babies with different daddies, nothing God-fearing or religious about any of this.
So stop using Jesus in this scenario, that is bordering on blasphemy and using religion as a smokescreen when you know exactly what is going on here. We are not going to tell you this is something it aint. (WWJD). You know in your gut he is doing your wrong. It is up to your alone whether you will take his crumbs or will decide to set boundaries and refuse to be treated as second best.
Go and see a lawyer and see what your options are and start to think about earning a good income again and leaving your so-called "good" H in the dust cause he NOT a good husband to you. He is a big-time cake eater.
 

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Please Please Please be careful. Look, if you want to get healthy do it for you not because a celebrity says "revenge body" works.

I can get you articles and studies which say the exact opposite. People who get healthy and maintain weight loss succeed, by a large margin, when they do it just for themselves. They tend to fail regurlay when they tie it to an ex or out of pettiness and revenge.

If the byproduct has the uninteded effect of making hm jealous cool. Remember, we all age and if he is that shallow he is not worth your love or worry.
 

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I’ve changed my mind. Given the new info, I suggest that you pretend to reluctantly agree to allow the status quo. Then accidentally have a pregnancy or two. It will put you on equal footing with the baby mama..
WORST.

ADVICE.

EVER!!!

The last reason on earth to get pregnant - on purpose - is because you're desperately hoping to FIX a situation. Good Lord.

OP, if you're smart, you'll make sure you DON'T get pregnant because things are so up in the air at the moment. The LAST thing you need to do is to willingly throw away all your options by getting pregnant.
 

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Code:
According to some people above, it’s common behavior from new stepdads. It’s possible he doesn’t really understand what he’s doing and where this is going to end up.


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To clarify, he's not a stepdad. He's the father, who is married to a woman that is not the mother of his child. She is a stepmother.
 

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My husband and I don't have any kids together, but several years ago when we were dating (living together), he found out he had a kid with a woman he dated momentarily 5 years prior.

It was confirmed with a DNA test that the kid was in fact his

I figured the kid would come into the picture one day

My husband is an extremely good man and I know he loves me, but I never thought I'd wake up one day to find my husband's the dad of a young kid, or two, and it wouldn't be with me.
Umm, if you didn't want to wake up one day to find your husband is the father of a young kid with another woman then why on God's green Earth did you marry a man who had a young kid with another woman???? You knew about this child before the wedding. You knew the kid would be in the picture at some point.

I feel like my husband is starting to go through parenthood without me and worst of all with another woman.
Well, yes, because he has a child with another woman. They're co-parents.

You have three problems.

First, his inappropriately close relationship with his baby momma. He needs to stop being anything more than friendly-ish and only speak to her when it involves their shared child.

Second, he has no legal rights to his son. He's also paying child support outside the court system. This is possibly a very bad decision. First, his access to his son is dependent on her good will and that is not ok. Then because, depending on state law, she could sue him for child support through the court and he could go into immediate arrears. In some states, anything paid outside the court system is considered a gift and does not count toward support owed. If she were to sue him for support later this month, for example, the court may charge him from birth to current. He could end up tens of thousands of dollars in debt overnight.

Your husband needs to begin a court case himself. He needs to have his support and visitation set through the court to cover his own ass and assure him access to his child.

And your last problem is that he may not want any more children. Some men and women have 1 or 2 and decide that's it. They just don't have the energy or desire for more. If he doesn't want another child then you'll have to decide if that's a dealbreaker for you.
 

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I can get you articles and studies which say the exact opposite. People who get healthy and maintain weight loss succeed, by a large margin, when they do it just for themselves. They tend to fail regurlay when they tie it to an ex or out of pettiness and revenge.
 

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I know he has good intentions. He isn’t trying to exclude me.... He doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong. I think he’s just blind and unable to understand how it’s affecting me. All he cares about is the kid and even though he loves me very much, he’s made it clear the kid trumps me.
I believe you. But somehow, before it is too late, you need to get him to a counselor who can convince him that his behavior will end your marriage. It’s not just how his behavior is affecting you but how he’s having an emotional affair that will lead to a physical one.

The problem is that the baby mama is trumping you, not his kid.

I’m in no position to leave at this moment. We both gained weight while together, so I’m not as thin as I was and I’m getting old.
How old? Men who want kids will often draw the line at 35. They want you fertile but want the chance to date you for a few years and kick the tires first.

We’ve wanted kids a long time, but I wanted to wait until we were married. We haven’t been “trying” but also haven’t not been trying. We were leaving it up to the big man above to decide hen it would happen. However, I wanted to try harder because I hoped that having a child with me would strengthen our bond.
So you waited until your thirties to start trying. Four months after the wedding the baby mama starts dating your husband. So you were “not trying” for just four months? If you were “not trying” until recently, then why did you need to tell H that you want to try now?

She’s not in financial need, but begs for his help all the time with parenting the kids. I don’t know if she is intentionally trying to take my husband or if she only cares for her child to be involved with the dad, but either way I’m losing him and she’ll win by default.
If you instruct your baby daddies to never contact you (just send money), that tends to result in less help from the dads in parenting the kids. She brought that on herself. It’s not your H’s job to fix it.

We haven’t fought for custody because we don’t have the money. I did ask him the other night though that if we did have the money, would he try to gain shared custody. His answer? “No, we’re in a good position with kids mom and doesn’t want to upset her.” ... He cried and to generalize his response, if I can’t accept things the way they are, then we aren’t going to work.
He won’t risk upsetting the OW but he is callously unconcerned about your feelings, suggesting that divorce is an option? If he’s a good man, why would he say that?

When my in-laws reached out to the mother, they said to my husband that they understood if he could never forgive them.... I’ll never be able to forgive them though for ruining my life. Makes me question what I ever did to deserve this.
The fact that your in-laws said that to your husband shows that they knew that they were doing something terribly wrong. And that’s why they gave you two no notice.

If they had contacted her a couple years earlier, the two of you would have broken up and you’d have found someone else. If they had waited a couple more years, you would have had a child of your own with H. Your in-laws launched a perfectly timed torpedo into the hull of your marriage and life.
 

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if you're smart, you'll make sure you DON'T get pregnant because things are so up in the air at the moment. The LAST thing you need to do is to willingly throw away all your options by getting pregnant.
I can't figure out why people keep 'liking' your posts when all you are doing is copying and pasting what other members have posted.

People, if you like the advice, then 'like' the original source.
 
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