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Discussion Starter #1
I am see as well, as I'm sure many others are. That waywards are using the crisis and vuerabilty of those betrayed to squirm there way back into the lives of the hopeful and lost. And now having the betrayed rethink reconnecting to the lier's, cheaters, and posters. What do you think fellow Tamer's?
 

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I'd prefer peeps from my past that wronged me simply keep their distance even given the current situation. I'll admit though, it would be nice to hear from at least one of them, but hell, I really don't want to talk to her.
 

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I am see as well, as I'm sure many others are. That waywards are using the crisis and vuerabilty of those betrayed to squirm there way back into the lives of the hopeful and lost. And now having the betrayed rethink reconnecting to the lier's, cheaters, and posters. What do you think fellow Tamer's?
I do not know if this is a trend on this site or not but I've said it many times before and I'll say it again, I can't even begin to fathom how anyone would want a mate back who has cheated on them....how that ex-mate does not disgust them and gross them out, how they could ever want to be with them again. I've read some pretty sleazy stuff of spouses really doing extreme and violating and gross stuff with other people and then the wronged party starts entertaining ideas of a R if they say sorry and agree to do X and Y so the wronged party can play detective and keep tabs on them for the next 5 years.
How does that mate not seem forever putrid after sexually being with someone else? Are you kidding me? Where there mouths have been, what has touched them, what they've done with other people, the lying and evil.
Are these people nuts? Take them back? Welcome them into your heart again? Welcome them into your bed again? To be intimate with them again?
YUCK!!!
I will never understand it.
I'd divorce over even one wayward kiss....how do they take back mates after months of pornographic, raw cheating intercourse and lies?
I'll never get it.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
You said it great, and the most recent postings may just be those with idle time because of the virus. Because they are reflecting on the fragility of life. But are willing to accept betrayal, lies, evil intent, manipulation, low/little self-respect, mental anguish, and on and on... Thanks for your honest reply.
 

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How does that mate not seem forever putrid after sexually being with someone else? Are you kidding me? Where there mouths have been, what has touched them, what they've done with other people, the lying and evil. Are these people nuts? Take them back? Welcome them into your heart again?Welcome them into your bed again? To be intimate with them again? YUCK!!!
Time, processing and healing.

With all of the above, it becomes no different than (or is at least on the same page as) any other ex-partners that your spouse has been with.

Do you obsess over who your spouse was with and what they did before meeting you? Do you find your spouse disgusting because they had partners before you? The answer to both should be no.

With enough time and actively trying to heal those wounds, it does get better and the wayward can stop being repulsive. It's not an easy process, at all, but it is possible.
 

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Time, processing and healing.

With all of the above, it becomes no different than (or is at least on the same page as) any other ex-partners that your spouse has been with.

Do you obsess over who your spouse was with and what they did before meeting you? Do you find your spouse disgusting because they had partners before you? The answer to both should be no.

With enough time and actively trying to heal those wounds, it does get better and the wayward can stop being repulsive. It's not an easy process, at all, but it is possible.
My wife was a virgin and that still has nothing to do with they are having sex while STILL in a relationship with YOU.
Possibly having sex with you the same day they did someone else.
Once again.....I can fathom. Apparently to you....a spouse screwing another person while still married to you, even the same day in some cases is just like having sex with some former boyfriend/girlfriend in a monogamous relationship 2 years before you two ever even met.

Ok, we have clarity...a person having sex with their partner in a relationship....years before you meet and start yours is equal to your actual wife/husband, who you are actively in love with, bonded to, exclusive with, committed for life having sex with others right in the middle of your marriage....lying, betrayal, deception.

Unfathomable.
Anyway, those get to enjoy living a life of stress, anxiety, no peace, wondering are they truthful, who are they texting, are they where they say they are, I need to call and check them, I need to go through their phone, I need to check their on line activity, whoops....I had a flashback of the affair in the up and down roller coaster of anxiety.
Verses.....dump/divorce, healing, peace, new relationships and no stress.
 

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My wife was a virgin and that still has nothing to do with they are having sex while STILL in a relationship with YOU.
Possibly having sex with you the same day they did someone else.
Once again.....I can fathom. Apparently to you....a spouse screwing another person while still married to you, even the same day in some cases is just like having sex with some former boyfriend/girlfriend in a monogamous relationship 2 years before you two ever even met.

Ok, we have clarity...a person having sex with their partner in a relationship....years before you meet and start yours is equal to your actual wife/husband, who you are actively in love with, bonded to, exclusive with, committed for life having sex with others right in the middle of your marriage....lying, betrayal, deception.

Unfathomable.
Anyway, those get to enjoy living a life of stress, anxiety, no peace, wondering are they truthful, who are they texting, are they where they say they are, I need to call and check them, I need to go through their phone, I need to check their on line activity, whoops....I had a flashback of the affair in the up and down roller coaster of anxiety.
Verses.....dump/divorce, healing, peace, new relationships and no stress.
My wife screwed an AP, unprotected, then came home and had unprotected sex with me. Several times. Talk about sloppy seconds... You could find pages and pages of me *****ing about that, calling her every name in the book, being repulsed by her, and being sure I didn't want her. Yet, here I am. Able to say facts and have them just be facts, breathe out the anger that comes with those facts and move on.

Is it easy? No. Are things perfect? No. Are things far better than they were 9 months ago? Yes. Is there still work to be done? Yes. Is it worth it? 100%.

I used to lay beside her and was totally repulsed by her. The first time we had sex (excluding the hysterical bonding period) I felt like I was taking one for the team and I didn't even look at her or touch her. Then laid there hating my life and wishing she could get the hell out of my bed. Nowadays, most of the time I love having her beside me and I miss her if she isn't in bed. Sex doesn't feel like taking one for the team. We definitely still have issues but it IS slowly getting better.

A previous boyfriend and an AP are NOT the same thing, I know that and it's probably a poor example. But as someone who is dealing with it, it CAN be the same in the sense that you can eventually stop obsessing about it and stop being repulsed by them. It IS possible, even when you were SO sure that it wasn't.

Most of the time, I don't wonder who my wife is texting or calling. I don't wonder where she is going or who she might see while "out buying milk". Because she has been nothing but open and honest with me and has demonstrated time and time again that she is hiding nothing. Sometimes I look at her phone, laptop, etc. but not nearly as often as I could. I don't need to. At one point, yes, I was a lot more paranoid about it. But time and work (on both ends) DOES help.

It's not for everyone, and if someone wants to stay or leave that is their choice. But just because it isn't for you, doesn't mean that it can't work.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
My wife screwed an AP, unprotected, then came home and had unprotected sex with me. Several times. Talk about sloppy seconds... You could find pages and pages of me *****ing about that, calling her every name in the book, being repulsed by her, and being sure I didn't want her. Yet, here I am. Able to say facts and have them just be facts, breathe out the anger that comes with those facts and move on.

Is it easy? No. Are things perfect? No. Are things far better than they were 9 months ago? Yes. Is there still work to be done? Yes. Is it worth it? 100%.

I used to lay beside her and was totally repulsed by her. The first time we had sex (excluding the hysterical bonding period) I felt like I was taking one for the team and I didn't even look at her or touch her. Then laid there hating my life and wishing she could get the hell out of my bed. Nowadays, most of the time I love having her beside me and I miss her if she isn't in bed. Sex doesn't feel like taking one for the team. We definitely still have issues but it IS slowly getting better.

A previous boyfriend and an AP are NOT the same thing, I know that and it's probably a poor example. But as someone who is dealing with it, it CAN be the same in the sense that you can eventually stop obsessing about it and stop being repulsed by them. It IS possible, even when you were SO sure that it wasn't.

Most of the time, I don't wonder who my wife is texting or calling. I don't wonder where she is going or who she might see while "out buying milk". Because she has been nothing but open and honest with me and has demonstrated time and time again that she is hiding nothing. Sometimes I look at her phone, laptop, etc. but not nearly as often as I could. I don't need to. At one point, yes, I was a lot more paranoid about it. But time and work (on both ends) DOES help.

It's not for everyone, and if someone wants to stay or leave that is their choice. But just because it isn't for you, doesn't mean that it can't work.
So are you saying if you lower the bar, you can accept anything your spouse did to you while married? And the difference was in your case she made the vow, and broke it. But fir the reasons you stated for most betrayed men. Just wouldn't fly.

And how many years did it take for you to get to this point of acceptance?
 

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So are you saying if you lower the bar, you can accept anything your spouse did to you while married? And the difference was in your case she made the vow, and broke it. But fir the reasons you stated for most betrayed men. Just wouldn't fly.

And how many years did it take for you to get to this point of acceptance?
No, that's not what I'm saying.

It's not about lowering your standards. It's about making the choice to try, and deciding to put in the blood, sweat, and tears. Not every marriage can or should be salvaged. I was able to stay with my wife because the conditions were right. If circumstances were different or if my wife didn't do everything right (after doing everything wrong), then I wouldn't be sitting here writing this right now. Reconciling with my wife doesn't mean that I'm lowering my standards. If anything, I'm sticking to them and my expectations of her and myself going forward are higher.

D-Day was 16 months ago.
 

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No, that's not what I'm saying.

It's not about lowering your standards. It's about making the choice to try, and deciding to put in the blood, sweat, and tears. Not every marriage can or should be salvaged. I was able to stay with my wife because the conditions were right. If circumstances were different or if my wife didn't do everything right (after doing everything wrong), then I wouldn't be sitting here writing this right now. Reconciling with my wife doesn't mean that I'm lowering my standards. If anything, I'm sticking to them and my expectations of her and myself going forward are higher.

D-Day was 16 months ago.
On topic though, the OP does have a point about stress and crisis. There are probably going to be some reconciliations based on the current situation and not on the merit or reformation of the wayward.

I agree with reconciliation sometimes, in the cases where the wayward has absolutely worked their ass off and genuinely changed themselves and the reconciliation is healthy and good for the betrayed.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
On topic though, the OP does have a point about stress and crisis. There are probably going to be some reconciliations based on the current situation and not on the merit or reformation of the wayward.

I agree with reconciliation sometimes, in the cases where the wayward has absolutely worked their ass off and genuinely changed themselves and the reconciliation is healthy and good for the betrayed.
Exactly
 

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I just read a post on the Adultery sub-reddit from a woman who had caught Covid19 and the first couple of weeks had been rough, but she's pulled through the worst of it and getting better each day. She was whining about her married man literally dumping her like a sack of potatoes the second he found out she'd tested positive for the virus. He's completely blown her off and is hunkering down with the people who REALLY matter to him.

Just like you said Tilted, suddenly this cheating wife - who's now proclaiming what a dirtbag her married boyfriend was - is singing the praises of her WONDERFUL, loving husband. He's the one she's been with since she was 17 years old and he's the father of her children and he's the one she made a life with, and he's the one whose done nothing but selflessly doctor her back to health and lay down beside her when she wanted comforting - knowing full well he'll probably get sick himself.

Funny how he's suddenly her WHOLE world and the most selfless and loving man on earth - only AFTER some married guy dumped her like a bad habit, ain't it folks?

Cheaters are selfish opportunists. I've always said that. They do whatever benefits THEM.
 

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I do think there will be some reconciliations that, in normal circumstances, wouldn't have happened. They most likely will not last very long. For a few people, who weren't destined for failure, the current circumstances could actually end up being good for their marriage.

My neighbors, the husband moved out around New Years. He had gone home early from a work trip to surprise his wife, and instead, he was the one getting the surprise. He walked in on his wife banging another dude. It got ugly, he promptly moved out and the OM pretty much moved in. Every once in a while the husband would go back to the house for a few minutes, then angrily leave. Twice in the last month the husband and OM have been beating the **** out of each other on the front lawn. But aside from those short trips home, he moved out around New Years and hadn't been back at the house for more than an hour. They don't have any children.

Guess who has been parked in the driveway for the last couple weeks? Hard not to read into that one, but I have no clue what their personal lives are like, or why he's back, and I can't judge whether they should or shouldn't R. I'm not home, so aside from seeing his car in the driveway on the security cameras, I have no clue what their situation is.

I've done certain things with my wife lately and have already had friends/family assume it was only because of the virus, that she's using it to her advantage, that I'm not thinking clearly, etc. And none of that is true, but when you already have those ideas in your head it's hard to see anything different. So I would also say to at least try and keep an open mind.

Sometimes it's much more obvious, like when the AP drops the WS like a hot potato or they suddenly can't get their cake and eat it too because they, and their side piece, are now trapped with their spouses.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
And this is why I started this thread. For those contemplating, a reconciliation. They are at risk. And are being played on their goodness and wishful thinking.
 

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Crisis can always make strange bedfellows. There are going to be a lot of interesting and weird couplings in the coming weeks.
Yep, I lived this in the fall. I was in the hospital and my prognosis wasn't looking good at all. Who knew a centimeter sized cut on your foot could potentially kill you. I certainly didn't! Anyways long story short. My ex-wife came to visit me in the hospital, and it was far more emotional for both of us than we thought it would be. I'd imagine many wouldn't visit a spouse that cheated on them multiple times (I was the cheater). But she did. I guess to her and me our relationship was so much more than just my affairs, and I am glad she sees it that way.

It was a very emotional conversation. A lot of what/if talk. Ultimately I pulled through since I am typing this. We talked about it afterwards. Agreed that the gravity of the situation took us to that place. In a strange way I think it provided the closure that we both needed, and I am grateful that my girlfriend stepped out of the room and understood that it was a conversation that needed to be had.
 

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Yep, I lived this in the fall. I was in the hospital and my prognosis wasn't looking good at all. Who knew a centimeter sized cut on your foot could potentially kill you. I certainly didn't! Anyways long story short. My ex-wife came to visit me in the hospital, and it was far more emotional for both of us than we thought it would be. I'd imagine many wouldn't visit a spouse that cheated on them multiple times (I was the cheater). But she did. I guess to her and me our relationship was so much more than just my affairs, and I am glad she sees it that way.

It was a very emotional conversation. A lot of what/if talk. Ultimately I pulled through since I am typing this. We talked about it afterwards. Agreed that the gravity of the situation took us to that place. In a strange way I think it provided the closure that we both needed, and I am grateful that my girlfriend stepped out of the room and understood that it was a conversation that needed to be had.
I can see that happening.
 

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Nothing, No death bed confession, No return of affection, No panic induced hysterical bonding.
On the other hand. She is in a food industry job and pulling extra shifts. I'm more worried about her staying awake while driving home.
 

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I was thinking about this subject last week. Shortly after I found out about my XH’s cheating twelve years ago, our region had a massive ice storm. We were without heat or power for two weeks and since it was unexpected we were not prepared in any way. Our focus turned to figuring out how to care for our two small children. That crisis bonding gave the idea of reconciliation a foothold that I wouldn’t have or shouldn’t have considered.

I am certainly not anti-reconciliation, as I am currently reconciled with a different cheater. But I do think a crisis clouds the senses.
 

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I take back what I said the other night. I messaged her anyway. It wasn't a dating relationship she was just an old friend from a long time ago that reconnected with me after my mother passed away and vanished without so much as a reason a few months later. And I felt like nothing more than an emotional crutch to her even in the face of tragedy. I don't expect a response back from her but it was closure in a way. I've held onto a lot of pain over the years with several things and this was something I'd never even considered a few months ago but thanks to a hell of a friend I made on another forum (she's the BEST) that's helped quite a bit and our current situation, I did.
 
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