Wayward Wife Can't Decide Me or Him

15797 Views 24 Replies 22 Participants Last post by RClawson, Oct 12, 2012

NotDoneYet

Discussion Starter · Oct 11, 2012

A month and a half ago my wife of 4 years (together 6 years) told me “I love you but I’m not in love with you”, and revealed she had a boyfriend she’d been dating for 2 months whom she was in love with. She said she hadn’t been in love with me for about a year and a half. I couldn’t believe it. She needed time apart from me to think about things, got her own apartment.

Since then it’s been pure hell. I’ve seen her only 4 times, am not allowed to call, and we text maybe 2-4 times per day usually about trivial stuff. I let her initiate all communication - I never send the first text. She continues to date the OM. Every so often she’ll text and tell me she really misses me. She says she does love me now, but I’m still not sure exactly in what sense. We’ve kissed, and she is fairly affectionate when we’re together but still reserved.

She will listen to me express my feelings to an extent, but will not talk about her reasons for separating from me other than once saying I was inattentive. She also mentioned she’d been going through a lot lately, including her father dying a year and a half ago - which is exactly the same timeframe she stated she fell out of love with me, and I can’t help but think there’s a connection.

She’s been going back and forth on this from moment to moment. Once within the same text she told me I was the one for her and the OM was second best, but she’s considering marrying him and moving to another city. Last night she called very late and said she’s coming home for the night and not to ask why. About thirty minutes later she texted and said nevermind - she’d tried to break up with the OM but they were going to talk about it.

Any advice on what to do? I feel their relationship is like an addiction - she’s blinded to all the hurt she’s causing me and herself by the rush of a new romance. I love this girl so completely and will not give up on her. I do not believe in divorce, I believe love weathers all things even when the other spouse is unfaithful. And I’ve laid with her and seen the unmistakable look in her eyes, the same look from when we first fell in love, that says she still loves me too.

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Fightingtilltheend

· #2 · Oct 11, 2012

Hello there,

First of all...I feel you and I am sorry that you are going through this....if I can be so Frank please let me. First you need to stop being a doormat you are married and she committed infidelity and broke the vows she has made...I think what you need to do is make it perfectly clear to her that you will not be in an open marriage...and do not be scared to walk away...easier said than done I know..Im in the midst of it as well......but I think you need to make it perfectly clear to her...you or the OM....if she cant make a decision then you need to make it for her.....anyone in a marriage deserves the other person to love them and be intimate with them alone....not have an extra marital activity on the side. Again Sorry you are going through this...but just as long as the OM is around...there is no hope in fixing anything because her attention and affection is with the other man.

Reactions: 4

WorkingOnMe

· #3 · Oct 11, 2012

You have to go dark. She can't decide? Then you have to decide for her. Women aren't attracted to a "back up plan". So stop interacting with her. Your actions are telling her that you're ok with all of this. She needs a wake up call. Start divorce proceedings. Have her served. That might shock her into realizing what she's about to lose. Or it may not. Either way, you'll be better off than you are now.

Reactions: 5

southern wife

· #4 · Oct 11, 2012

File for divorce is the only thing left to do. She's left you and the marriage, and has already moved on. Anything you do, other than file for D, is spinning your wheels in the mud.

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Jellybeans

· #5 · Oct 11, 2012

The next time she contacts you or you can jus tell her straight up:

"Wife, I love you and am committed to our marriage. However, I will not stand for a marriage where you are living on your own and dating someone else. You are cheating and having an affair. You can choose to keep doing this or work on our marriage. If you choose to have your affair, then I am opting out of our marriage and will take the necessary steps up to and including filing for divorce. I deserve better."

TELL HER THIS TODAY. Keep your emotions out of it.
That's it. It leaves her with the choice. But also states you aren't going to be Plan B.

Groveling, begging, pleading are making you unattractive to her.

MAN UP, find your dignity and tell her you're nto going to be her second choice anymore.

She has a choice but SO DO YOU. UGH. Why are you dealing with this at all????

Does her boyfriend have a girlfriend or wife?

Copy your story into Coping with Infidelity. You'll get a lot more advice there.

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SadSamIAm

· #6 · Oct 11, 2012

Your life will be hell if you don't man up. If you hold her and beg her to come back, it might work. She might realize that the OM isn't worth it. That you are better. She might come back to you.

But you can be sure there will be a next time. She will be looking for someone better. She will continue to 'test the waters' to find someone better or something more exciting.

Like WorkingOnMe said, you have to make the decision for her. Refuse to put up with her cheating. Make sure she knows that you won't put up with infidelity. That you are better than that. Tell her to get out.

You will know from her response. If she comes back, you will have a lot of work to do. She will have to regain your trust. But she will know that you won't put up with a cheater. If she doesn't come back, then you have saved yourself a future of heartbreak.

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Jellybeans

· #7 · Oct 11, 2012

She can't decide so decide for her. Be done.

She is playing you really really badly.

67flh

· #8 · Oct 11, 2012

reach down between your legs and see if your nads are still there! you make the choice for her,block her calls,go dark...she made her own bed.

ArmyofJuan

· #9 · Oct 11, 2012 (Edited)

Everyone is right; you are wasting your time talking to her so stop asap. Ignore all txt, calls, emails from her for now on.

She doesn’t want to be with you so stop trying to force her (or guilt her) to come back. Your feelings are irrelevant to her so stop sharing those as well. She left you and is cheating on you so why on Earth would you want someone like that back?

You only have one option and that’s head for a D. At least you can retain some dignity by filing yourself and showing her that you will not tolerate being emasculated by her. Odds are once you go NC and file she’ll end up dumping the OM and come crawling back to you. You really need to ask yourself if you want a wife like this when that day comes.

The more you talk to her, the worse you make things. Silence is your friend.

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WyshIknew

· #10 · Oct 11, 2012

What do you want?

Do you want her back?

Have you been around to her apartment? If is she shacked up with this guy.

Do you know who he is?

Is he married?

Have you informed her parents and family about the affair?

You don't mention children. Do you have any?

Got some more questions but these will do for now as don't want to overload you.

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tom67

· #11 · Oct 11, 2012

WyshIknew said:
What do you want?

Do you want her back?

Have you been around to her apartment? If is she shacked up with this guy.

Do you know who he is?

Is he married?

Have you informed her parents and family about the affair?

You don't mention children. Do you have any?

Got some more questions but these will do for now as don't want to overload you.

Call her and confirm her address so she can be served divorce papers:banghead:

Reactions: 4

Fightingtilltheend

· #12 · Oct 11, 2012

Simply put....she wanted a separation so you are not in the way of her affair.

Reactions: 4

TBT

· #13 · Oct 11, 2012

Feel bad for you.Right now you hardly have any interaction with your wife....while she is,in your words,dating OM,which imo probably means he has a spare toothbrush at her place.Right now he is her primary relationship while she keeps you hanging on with little bones of affection and hope...just in case.Time overdue for her to pay the piper,and I hope you decide to quit living in this infidelity.Take care.

Plan 9 from OS

· #14 · Oct 11, 2012

Do you have any kids? If not, fvck her... Don't even bother to try to win her back. Tell her that you are divorcing her and that once the divorce is final that she'll never see you again.

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Paulination

· #15 · Oct 11, 2012

What a cake eater. The only chance you have of getting her back along with your dignity is to let her go.

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Toffer

· #16 · Oct 11, 2012

NotDoneYet,

Sorry but this is going to be rough!

Your so-called wife is sleeping with another man. He's putting his d!ck in every opening and for 2 months came home to you and exposed you to STDs.

Also in those two months I am willing to bet she was with you right after having him inside of her, making you an unwilling cuckhold.

You are the back-up plan. How come when you and she would fight there was no going back but when she has a spat with this jerk, she comes running to you only to be pulled back by him. You'll always be second best in her eyes

This woman has had nothing for you but contempt and disrespect. She doesn't deserve you

File, never look back. She's not worth it. After only 4 years of marriage, this won't be her last trip to the rodeo. I guarantee it

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Dad&Hubby

· #17 · Oct 11, 2012

Heck if you need some motivation. Just realize that there's probably been a time when you were kissing her, that earlier in that day she gave her BF a BJ. It's almost like you swallowed his load.

2 MONTHS moved out? You know she has a BOYFRIEND? You still consider her YOUR WIFE? WTF?!?! You can't call her?

I know it's harsh but hopefully it's a wakeup call for you. WOW?!?! This is one of the worst cases of back burner, cake eating I've ever heard.

It's time to file and tell her your tired of being a wind sock.

Reactions: 1

Lon

· #18 · Oct 11, 2012

She has already made the decision that she wants to spend her time with that guy, all she can't decide is what to do with you, ie string you along to keep meeting her room-mate needs and support or dump you completely.

When my W had had her affair and was being indecisive I begged and pleaded and worked my butt off to prove my worth... then when I found she was using the OM as a decoy for her current OM#2 it was pretty clear I would never be anything more than a concession prize to her, and nobody wants to be runner up.

Reactions: 3

Emerald

· #19 · Oct 11, 2012

"She also mentioned she’d been going through a lot lately, including her father dying a year and a half ago - which is exactly the same timeframe she stated she fell out of love with me, and I can’t help but think there’s a connection."

Nope.

When my father died, I didn't cheat on my husband in my grief.

I really am sorry about all of this. Please get yourself into counseling because you are in for a life of Hell with this woman in your current state of denial.

Reactions: 1

Jeffery

· #20 · Oct 11, 2012

Jellybeans said:
She can't decide so decide for her. Be done.

She is playing you really really badly.

remove your self as an option file for D and go full 180 and dont look back

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