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Now I am so suspicious all the time..and that bugs me. To go from not questioning anything to now being paranoid and suspicious..I hate it!

The funny thing is I look back and think man H had his own laptop for years and not once did I feel the need to check it out, to question why he had a password on it in order to log on, etc. etc. Never looked at the cell phone logs to see what numbers he was calling or who was calling him.

This is what bothers me now is that whether I stay married to him or move on to another relationship this has changed me into a suspicious/paranoid person.
 

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I'm always asking why his phone is going off all the time. He gets emails sent to the phone all the time. I still check him email from time to time. He does not know his passwords, I know them he wanted to reset them, lol so now I know them all. He knows them, but not like I do.

I'm always thinking the OW is going to go into his work or my work to start something.
 

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I am only starting to trust but I still verify. I will never look at my wife they way I used to. She was someone that always put our kids first then me then her. I liked that, hell I loved that my wife was so centered on our family it was a sense of pride for myself.

Then she became a very selfish person and some that coud lie easly to me.

I have many people in my family that have cheated and our cheating and I have no tolerance for them or their chooses in life
 

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I am always on high alert. I read way to much into every statement he makes. I try not to rock the boat and yet do it anyways. I can be angry/depressed/happy/content/james bond all in one day. One day I feel hot to trot, the next like a whale that has been laying on the shore for far to long. I want sex and intimacy all the time and if it doesn't happen I wonder what the hell is going on.

It sucks and I hope it gets better with time. I forgot to add I am suspious of other women's intentions were before I would not have cared.
 

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The funny thing is I look back and think man H had his own laptop for years and not once did I feel the need to check it out, to question why he had a password on it in order to log on, etc. etc. Never looked at the cell phone logs to see what numbers he was calling or who was calling him.
Me, too. Never checked around on any of his computer- I implicitly trusted him. I felt like an idiot when all this proof was just a few feet away from me. Now I know all the passwords and do from time to time check up on 'things', although it's 2 years down the road and I don't feel the need as often anymore.

I also don't trust other women around him. I know my H. is more 'alert' now, but he's also readily admitted that things like that could be right in front of his face and he wouldn't see it.

And I turn into an anxious mess whenever he has to go out of town (not often, thankfully). That's how he left-- went to be with a friend when his friend's mother died, and then he stayed, so it's a big trigger for me whenever he leaves.
 

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Every time I hear her cell phone ding with a text message, I get a sick feeling in my stomach.

When she gets a Facebook message copied to her e-mail, I'm compelled to review it.

I feel the need to check her cell phone logs on-line, almost every day; as well as the caller ID and last number dialed logs on our home phone.

Most nights, just before I go to sleep, I replay my wife and the POSOM together.

All this, 17 months after D-day.

And sad to say, this is an improvement. Trust is not an easy thing to restore.
 

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There were a lot of major philosophical changes in me. As it relates to trust, I went deep into what that means and where it is found. Trust really is nothing more than a prediction. That prediction is based on your experiences in the same or similar position. Hence triggers: It is a memory (experience) that is triggered and reminds you by hauling up that emotional memory

I think on these terms; I don’t assume every car around me is a threat. The potential is recognized. Yet, I watch for the ‘triggers’; Aggressive drivers, non-attentive, etc. When recognized, a bit more of my brain power is devoted to actively tracking it. It’s a passive warning system always in play that only goes active when triggered by that gut feeling something might be a threat. So, say you almost get in a head-on. In the immediate months after, you are going to devote a bit more energy to assessing the threat of every car heading your way. Even once you tone it down, that passive system adds this experience to the list of triggers. Its just something you watch out for now that may not have been much of a consideration in the past. But now it is part of your experiences.

I do the same with my wife. Things are on the radar floating around. When triggered, I’ll look into it and devote more energy at assessing the potential threat.

Just understanding this helped me pull out of that active searching mode. I shut it down to a passive ‘watch’. It takes a lot of trust in yourself and your gut feelings; Something that was probably shaken by the trauma... it takes time to rebuild.
 

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How has it changed me?

I can curl 50% more, I can press 50% more, I can run 50% farther and I don't respect women any more.

Also, I have a new found vanity. I waste stupid money on expensive clothes, I wear dumbass designer sh!t and I walk around as though I were standing on water.

In other words, I am just focusing on myself and doing my damnedest to make myself happy.

edit to add: I always wear a smirk
 

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How has it changed me?

I can curl 50% more, I can press 50% more, I can run 50% farther and I don't respect women any more.

Also, I have a new found vanity. I waste stupid money on expensive clothes, I wear dumbass designer sh!t and I walk around as though I were standing on water.

In other words, I am just focusing on myself and doing my damnedest to make myself happy.

edit to add: I always wear a smirk
I envy your energy.
Mine is gone.
 

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How has it changed me?

I can curl 50% more, I can press 50% more, I can run 50% farther and I don't respect women any more.

Also, I have a new found vanity. I waste stupid money on expensive clothes, I wear dumbass designer sh!t and I walk around as though I were standing on water.

In other words, I am just focusing on myself and doing my damnedest to make myself happy.

edit to add: I always wear a smirk
This sounds pretty accurate. :iagree:
 

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I've decided to put Kay's "alpha/beta" balance in the rubbish. I'm going 100% alpha, like I was before having kids.

I don't care about anything but my own good times (except for my "visitation" times when I go back to beta for my kids).

When I met my WW, I had multiple gf's and didn't give a crap about anything. Then we "bonded" and I assumed the role "loving husband and father".

Well, I will never be married to the mother of my children again, so I will never be in that role again. ME me me me me me me.
 
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I am more into the fermented sugars.
3 beers and my energy goes in the crapper for a couple of days. The insulin spikes suck.

Vodka and club soda or fine single malts for this guy.

NO CARBS WHATSOEVER.

If you want energy and don't want to need sleep anymore, I am convinced this is the ticket. Nevermind the rockin' body it's given me.

This from a guy who used to homebrew like it was going out of style.

I have only one focus anymore, which is:

How can I improve myself?
 
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I've come to the conclusion that MOST men are really dogs, to a varying degree. I myself made it 9 years wothout checking anything, now I am another hyper vigilant crazy lady. Also feeling pretty apathetic about pretty much everything lately. Oh yeah and F marriage and everything that goes along with it. If I end up divorced, I will never make that mistake again.
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Also, eating paleo is super simple for a newly single guy. I just toss a piece of salmon in the oven with some veggies and BAM, dinner is done.

Or better yet, a thick T-bone on the bbq.

My fridge and cupboards are empty, but I have half a cow in the freezer and pounds of fish and chicken ready to grill up.

I'll admit, after losing the first 50 lbs I've started eating my hamburgers on buns again, but I always feel guilty about it. A hamburger on lettuce just isn't the same.

I eat a couple of eggs for breakfast, bbq chicken Sunday night and throw it on a salad every day for lunch, with olives, avocados, a little cheese, broccolli slaw, and I munch on raw almonds for snacks. It's the easiest diet in the world for a single dude living alone.

I can easily maintain a spastic level of energy and be an annoying hyper smug dude on 5-6 hours of sleep nearly every night. I will get 7-8 at least once or twice a week for good measure, but during the height of my panic attacks and self loathing after dday I was amazed how well I could function on only 2-3 hours of sleep.

Eat fat, drop the carbs and GET TO WORK ON YOURSELF.

Even though it may not be true, I can walk past the multiple 10s in my office and think "ha, she's not good enough for me".
 

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Every time I hear her cell phone ding with a text message, I get a sick feeling in my stomach.

When she gets a Facebook message copied to her e-mail, I'm compelled to review it.

I feel the need to check her cell phone logs on-line, almost every day; as well as the caller ID and last number dialed logs on our home phone.

Most nights, just before I go to sleep, I replay my wife and the POSOM together.

All this, 17 months after D-day.

And sad to say, this is an improvement. Trust is not an easy thing to restore.
This about sums me up. I'm 16 months out from D-day. I'm much better than I was too.

I'm also super paranoid. I never find anything but am always afraid that she has found other ways to communicate with OM. TAM helps and hurts on both fronts with that.
 
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