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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm here researching bcause my college roommate and now brother in law is trying to fix his marriage. He has been physically abused (she punched him so hard she broke her wrist), they fight constantly...he calls me, I listen. I try not to judge but I know he wants some magic solution that doesn't exist. He knows they should divorce but he's scared. I keep telling him this is a decision he has to make himself....MC failed epically. I called his sister to see if she could help. She was hoping id be the one to tell him to throw her out. Is that valid advice? I don't have to live with the consequences...he does. I keep telling him to tell W exactly what he tells me.
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Well, ultimately he has to be the one to live with his decisions and I don't think it should be put on you to tell him what to do. If this chic is beating him up you certainly don't want her coming after you for giving such advice. Be a friend to him but let him make his own choices. :)
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If you're his friend and he's ASKING for your input then give him your input.

  • He's being physically and emotionally abused. NO ONE should put up with that crap. EVER!
  • Be there for him emotionally and be there for him physically.
  • If he wants to divorce, but is scared, go WITH HIM to a divorce attorney. Sit in with him (if he requests). Make sure the attorney is aware of the physical and emotional abuse.
  • Offer your friend a place to stay during the break up. (It is probably ILLEGAL for him to throw his wife OUT of their apartment or home. Now, if he would CALL THE POLICE when she physically assaults him, THEN he could have her arrested. With her arrest he would have LEGAL grounds to have her kicked out of the marital home permanently while he divorces her.)
I would respectfully disagree with YinPrincess. Your buddy needs a REAL FRIEND right now. He probably feels badly about himself anyway, he's depressed about his marriage. Let him know he is STILL a good and VALUABLE man even though parts of his life are temporarily out-of-control!

Convince him to call a divorce attorney THIS WEEK. The first visit is usually FREE or low-cost.

Help him get to a better place in his life. To hell with what a psycho his STBXW is! If she comes after you physically, BELT HER ONE and then call the cops!

Good luck and think about how you'd like THIS FRIEND to respond and be there FOR YOU if the roles were reversed!

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I didn't say not to be a friend... Just not to be the one to call the shots. I fear either her friend could grow to resent her or the wife may decide to retaliate... I agree she should still be a friend and support him. Other than that, I agree with the rest of your advice, SGW. :)
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Gseries, violence is not acceptable. Ever. Not from strangers, and not from a spouse, even if she's a woman. I'd say I admire your friend's self-control for not punching her back, she'd have deserved it. Abuse and bullying is NOT a way to start off a marriage.
Thankfully, she showed her true colors so early and not after years and children together. Advice him to divorce her asap and file a restraining order against her. If she comes after you, file one also.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks, if nothing else, for making me feel like I'm not the crazy one. Every time he starts in with the "DEEP DOWN SHE'S A GOOD PERSON"crap I get a little mad and tell him he's in denial. Anyways, yes I just want him to make his own decisions and not clear them through me. The W is bound to figure it out soon. BTW I've spent time with both of them and never seen the psycho side. Turns out she has a secret drug habit too.
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Gseries, I suggest you take a look at my description of BPD traits in my post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description sounds very familiar, I suggest you give your friend a copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells and Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist.

I am suggesting BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) traits as a strong possibility only because it is often found in people who batter and hit their spouses. Indeed, a 1993 Canadian study found that half of the spouse batterers had full-blown BPD. Roger Melton provides a summary of that study's results at Romeo's Bleeding - When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong -- Health & Wellness -- Sott.net.

If your friend is married to a BPDer, he is at great risk of not only being battered but also ARRESTED. Because BPDers typically are convinced they are "The Victim," it is common for BPDer wives to validate that false self image by having their husbands thrown into jail on a bogus charge. My BPDer exW, for example, did exactly that -- on the very day she was chasing me from room to room in our home. For a BPDer wife, getting the H arrested is the equivalent of earning a PhD degree in victimhood -- i.e., everlasting proof of her victim status.
 
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