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Hunh? I hope she doesn't have sex with him until she is ready, time permitting or not. There is no "surely" when it comes to regrets. She owes herself time to heal. Being used as a fill in and then finding out about it, is not healthy or helpful for anyone.

@heartbroken50 is a very loving and mature woman. She seems to be growing a lot, herself. I trust she will consider all angles to this, and do what she feels is best.
 

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Awesome and it changes nothing about what I posted. If she is giving him the cold shoulder and isn't letting him sex her out of her growing, good for her. Part of growing is making adult decisions which may be good for you and not someone else.
I don't think she is happy with the no sex part, either. And when she is ready, they will move beyond that, together.

Again, I trust in her love and in her maturity. @heartbroken50 is a very nice lady.

And really, @MrHB50, you are a nice person, too. That is why you and she are together. Water seeks its own level.

To be sure, you did not treat your wife the way you yourself would like to be treated. I think you have learned from that. And I think your wife is learning some things about herself, too, from this experience, that will strengthen her for the future.

For the encouragement of you both, as you work through this, remember that a dark cloud, even one as hurtful as this, can have a silver lining. :)
 

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Happy about sex, mature and being a"nice lady" are all red herrings. Then you basically repeated what I said, with your typical rewording.

He hasn't learned yet, he is trying to learn which is a HUGE difference. That is why he is here.
Like I said earlier when he loses the checklist, they'll start to heal.
When he loses the timeline they will start to heal.
When he loses the comparison of what he would do in her place, they'll start to heal.

Honestly, when he stops being selfish they will start to heal.
 

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Awesome and it changes nothing about what I posted. If she is giving him the cold shoulder and isn't letting him sex her out of her growing, good for her. Part of growing is making adult decisions which may be good for you and not someone else.
I can't even imagine how much better my marriage would be if I had been brave enough to kick my H out of our bedroom - ever! - in 36 years because of what he's done to hurt me. If I had taken away his most important thing, sex, until he finally LISTENED to me and actually tried to put himself in my shoes.

But I never did, so he never learned. And I sacrificed.

I am proud that she kicked him out. Why? Because if he suffered no consequences, he was psychologically predetermined to NOT LEARN and NOT IMPROVE. Psychologically, we humans NEED something to strive for, for it to matter. Many former waywards have later thanked their BS for being strong enough to not give in, and wait it out until the former WS had to do the hard work to figure things out.
 

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Yep. It oozes through all of his posts.
I did chores=sex.
I gave you flowers=sex.
I helped more even though I am sick=sex.


Sorry for being blunt, but caregivers sacrifice their happiness, their lives and their fun to care for the sick. They do it out of love and then some get slapped in the face with a dose of reality. Then they sit back thinking "what did I do wrong," "what didn't I give this person why why why why why." If they grow, they learn they weren't the selfish one, it was their spoiled spouse. My uncle died of colon cancer so, I am not saying it is easy. Still, I'm not giving you a pass because you faced your own possible mortality. Hopefully, you live a long life. It isn't exactly the same, but she has to face your potential mortality as well. She could have easily copped out, tried or successfully cheated and then blamed you for being sick. She didn't. She could have thrown her hands up in the air and said "NO WAY" and left you. She didn't.

This is the part you have to UNDERSTAND and LEARN, no one owes you ANYTHING in this world. Many people talk about vows, promises, marriages and laws, but at the end of the day it is the people behind those words which make them matter. Your wife CHOSE, vows or not, to do her best by you because she made a CHOICE out of love to help you. You should return the favor by LEARNING and understanding not just hearing.
 

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While sex can help stremgthen a marital bond, you need to realize that betraying her in a sexual way she’s going to have bad feelings for a while ABOUT sex. You used her body after getting excited by another woman. So she’s automatically going to think that WHEN you have sex, you are thinking about this OW. Unfortunately, that may NEVER go away. I can tell you that it lessens to a point where you don’t think of it as much, or you’re able to push the thoughts out of your head quickly or you’re able to tell yourself it’s not true, but they never completely go away.

For now, you have a hand.

My husband didn’t physically cheat on me Mr. HB. He had an EA. I suspect it went PA but no proof. I STILL have mind movies of him having sex with her when we have sex! And I have absolutely zero PROOF he ever touched her physically or sexted with her. Your wife had hard proof that you admitted to. I’m sure that means it’s 100X worse for her than it is for me. All I have is my rampant suspicions and thoughts and anxieties. Your wife SAW it.

I had a one night stand PA on my husband. I gave his best friend a 30 second BJ not to completion. He just told me a week ago he still thinks about it when we mess around. And I came clean just shy of a YEAR ago in 3 weeks.

Even when you DO get sex OP, it’s going to hurt your wife. It’s going to hurt BAD. With time the pain will lessen, but it’s going to be a long time before it lessens to a point that’s manageable. You want sex for pleasure, but to her, the sex will ONLY be about her emotions, for quite some time.
 

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@MrHB50 There are things said by you and some by other posters that makes me want to take another stab at this. You have an amazing opportunity. Imagine if you had a fairly fool proof way to provide funds for your family when you are gone. What if it was an investment that would last the lifetime of your children and perhaps re-invested in your grand children. This gamble would require that you take a personal risk. It could cause you pain. Would you do it?

I think you would. Before you ever got here your lovely wife was kind in describing you. She related that when you were diagnosed all you could think about was her and your children. Your focus was on financially securing their future. Some of this could be related to not wishing to be a burden.

Right now you have the opportunity to secure your legacy in a different way. By taking on the challenge of your current shortcoming and truly being a different, better man. Rather than muddling through your pain, lack of sex/affection and personal disappointment you can rise above it. Take this 'thing' on, rip it apart and destroy it. You own it. You handle it.

Leave no doubt as to your love for your wife and kids. It will not be easy or painless but the result is an amazing gift to all of them. This legacy will endure longer and be more meaningful than financial security.

Everyone is telling you to read books. Sorry, but here's another one. https://www.amazon.com/Pit-Lion-Snowy-Day-Opportunity/dp/1590527151 Don't regret the opportunities lost, chase them.

~ Passio
 

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While sex can help stremgthen a marital bond, you need to realize that betraying her in a sexual way she’s going to have bad feelings for a while ABOUT sex. You used her body after getting excited by another woman. So she’s automatically going to think that WHEN you have sex, you are thinking about this OW. Unfortunately, that may NEVER go away. I can tell you that it lessens to a point where you don’t think of it as much, or you’re able to push the thoughts out of your head quickly or you’re able to tell yourself it’s not true, but they never completely go away.

For now, you have a hand.

My husband didn’t physically cheat on me Mr. HB. He had an EA. I suspect it went PA but no proof. I STILL have mind movies of him having sex with her when we have sex! And I have absolutely zero PROOF he ever touched her physically or sexted with her. Your wife had hard proof that you admitted to. I’m sure that means it’s 100X worse for her than it is for me. All I have is my rampant suspicions and thoughts and anxieties. Your wife SAW it.

I had a one night stand PA on my husband. I gave his best friend a 30 second BJ not to completion. He just told me a week ago he still thinks about it when we mess around. And I came clean just shy of a YEAR ago in 3 weeks.

Even when you DO get sex OP, it’s going to hurt your wife. It’s going to hurt BAD. With time the pain will lessen, but it’s going to be a long time before it lessens to a point that’s manageable. You want sex for pleasure, but to her, the sex will ONLY be about her emotions, for quite some time.
QFT

Couldn't have said it better myself.

That said, my understanding is you have a diagnosis that is not terribly good. I hope you and your wife can find a way to be happy for the remaining time as I would hate to see you two end bitterly and with regrets. I'm rooting for your marriage.
 

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@MrHB50 someone upthread asked something about what kind of legacy you'll be leaving when you pass.

I ask you: do you really want to leave a legacy of j*cking off and sexting with another woman? Because I fear that's what your wife will be left with. It's doubtful it'll be about all of the fond memories of your life together, your wonderful children, the hard work both of you put into a great relationship despite your many trials and tribulations.

Do you see that's all been erased by what you have done? Or at the very least, put on the far back burner? Do you really want to leave your loving and devoted family with that sort of legacy? You've cheapened your life together.

I remember your wife initially talking about things you wanted to do together-a bucket list. And you both were doing them. Do you see that might be totally off her radar now? She is questioning everything. She's questioning if she ever really knew you. So, for six months of sexting, you've compromised everything.

Second, what's with these disparaging comments about her appearance? And the "so is this going to be your new thing now?" comment when she met a GF for a drink? What is your motivation for saying these things to her? Do you realize that the top she was wearing that night was one of your favorites? And that she hadn't been able to fit into it since before you got diagnosed? That was a perfect opportunity to buoy her up. But you did the opposite.
 

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@MrHB50 Would you like to start a new thread? Perhaps the title of this one is not an accurate reflection of how you feel now. It might help to break from this thread and the reactions your OP provoked. You may get more supportive and encouraging assistance.

You have been battered and bruised and although your attitude invited the harsh reactions, we want you and Mrs HB50 to R and be happy together. I think there is enough love in your relationship to get to a good place. There is also insensitivity, laziness, lack of empathy and compassion.

It takes time to overcome lifelong habits. Being aware that they are there and making a sincere effort to change will work in your favor.

How can we help you get where you want to be? What stands in the way of making the changes Mrs HB needs to see in order to R with you? What do you feel about her request for change, is it more that you are able to do?
 

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@MrHB50 Would you like to start a new thread? Perhaps the title of this one is not an accurate reflection of how you feel now. It might help to break from this thread and the reactions your OP provoked. You may get more supportive and encouraging assistance.

You have been battered and bruised and although your attitude invited the harsh reactions, we want you and Mrs HB50 to R and be happy together. I think there is enough love in your relationship to get to a good place. There is also insensitivity, laziness, lack of empathy and compassion.

It takes time to overcome lifelong habits. Being aware that they are there and making a sincere effort to change will work in your favor.

How can we help you get where you want to be? What stands in the way of making the changes Mrs HB needs to see in order to R with you? What do you feel about her request for change, is it more that you are able to do?
Speaking with my moderator hat on, I think that it would be helpful to stick to one thread at this point.
 

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Having sex without truly trusting and being over his infidelity is the absolute worst thing Mrs. HB50 could ever do. Sex without trust and respect is demeaning, and she's been used enough by you.

-and please, giving you the cold shoulder.
heck of a lot kinder and less financially costly than a divorce.
She thinks SHE can fix YOUR issues. Shame on you for letting her believe that.
This is on YOU.
 

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OP, you've said a couple times that you have never, before now, considered anything other than sexual intercourse to be cheating. So, have you ever before done anything like what your wife caught you at now? Ever had a sexting relationship with another woman before now? Ever had a friendship, online or in person, with another woman that was intensely flirtatious and overtly sexually explicit but never actually ended up having sex? Ever had a "harmless" crush on a co-worker, employee, friend, or ex that you spent a lot of time talking to and engaging with? Do you discuss your marriage and/or your wife's failings with female friends? Ever have interactions with women that you hid from you wife or edited for content or minimized when discussing with her?

I ask because people who think anything short of actual PIV sex is not cheating tend to have pretty poor boundaries with the opposite sex. Many seem to feel that anything that their spouse doesn't know about is just harmless fun and none of their partner's business. I'm wondering if this is really a one-off event, or if there's actually been a pattern of inappropriate and wayward behavior throughout your life/marriage, but this is simply the first time you've 'gotten in trouble' for it?

That mindset might help explain why you still don't seem to get it.
 

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OP, you've said a couple times that you have never, before now, considered anything other than sexual intercourse to be cheating. So, have you ever before done anything like what your wife caught you at now? Ever had a sexting relationship with another woman before now? Ever had a friendship, online or in person, with another woman that was intensely flirtatious and overtly sexually explicit but never actually ended up having sex? Ever had a "harmless" crush on a co-worker, employee, friend, or ex that you spent a lot of time talking to and engaging with? Do you discuss your marriage and/or your wife's failings with female friends? Ever have interactions with women that you hid from you wife or edited for content or minimized when discussing with her?

I ask because people who think anything short of actual PIV sex is not cheating tend to have pretty poor boundaries with the opposite sex. Many seem to feel that anything that their spouse doesn't know about is just harmless fun and none of their partner's business. I'm wondering if this is really a one-off event, or if there's actually been a pattern of inappropriate and wayward behavior throughout your life/marriage, but this is simply the first time you've 'gotten in trouble' for it?

That mindset might help explain why you still don't seem to get it.
This is such an excellent point, and now that you bring it up I'm surprised nobody has already mentioned it.

Given his cavalier attitude it is likely this isn't his first rodeo.....only the first where he got caught.

I doubt he'd admit anything at this point given how much difficulty he's having facing any consequences for just this one, but it is something Mrs. Hb should consider.
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If you want to see how a husband SHOULD act when his wife catches him cybercheating, have a look at my story - the link is in my signature. She should have kicked your a$$ out when she found out what you did.
 

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This is such an excellent point, and now that you bring it up I'm surprised nobody has already mentioned it.

Given his cavalier attitude it is likely this isn't his first rodeo.....only the first where he got caught.

I doubt he'd admit anything at this point given how much difficulty he's having facing any consequences for just this one, but it is something Mrs. Hb should consider.
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Matt asked this twice early in the thread. MrHB did respond.
 

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Quote by MrHB50
@driftingon- It appears you have not followed my W’s entire thread nor mine if you had you would know I have stage 4 colon cancer I may not even have 2-5 years left. You also mention that it appears my W is not inputting her opinions to my thread that is a decision she made when I decided to come to this forum, she is trying to let me have my own experience and discovery without giving her opinion. I believe if she has anything to say you can go to her private thread to see what she has to say. I am here trying to figure out how to be more empathetic, remorseful, loving to W and to enjoy her and my children for whatever time I do have left. Thanks for the 2x4’s




Mrhb

When you came onto this thread, and your title of this thread, was nothing but arrogance. You can be mad at me all day, you can even hate me, but I tried to show you that you have no clue what you did to your wife. Look at the posts above mine, look at what others have written on just this page alone. What do you call it?

You may have cancer, but that is not a "I get to be an arrogant person and hurt people" because you have cancer. My father in law died from cancer last December, I have also lost two uncles, a grandmother, and friends due to cancer. In fact at noon yesterday I was told my former boss held his thirty four year old sons hand at 6:00am as he passed of brain cancer. My point is we all have crosses to bear, so Monday I will go to a wake and Tuesday the funeral. We all have hardships.

As for you, you had a wife who became your caretaker, there whenever you needed her, and what do you do. Your wife valued your marriage, each of your vows, and took on the responsibility of your family without help from you. You couldn't help, you had to recover from your own medical issues. I understand that, really I do, I've seen many close persons as they went through treatment.

After all your wife did, helping you to recover as best you could, you decide to cheat. I don't care what you lost as a reason, I don't want to know. You say you came here to learn empathy, how to help your wife heal, but your concern seemed to be sex. How posters have mentioned this? Some even think this isn't your first time! How do you view yourself? What do you see when you self reflect?

If you want to learn how to help your wife, I think that's great. But many of your posts don't reflect the words you actually write. Maybe you are starting to learn, as not all your posts reflect arrogance. As for the 2x4, maybe it was, or maybe you are perceived as either arrogant or entitled by myself and others. Maybe I'm the only one who sees you this way, maybe not, but you can't tell me your title doesn't scream arrogance. No matter if you want to change the title or not, that's the feeling you had.

Best of luck to you and God bless.
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