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Was it one thing that sealed the deal for you to get a divorce, or was it years of contemplating and suddenly you couldn't go on anymore?

I find it interesting how every divorced person I know did it pretty quickly. They weren't going to give it another chance, their minds were made up, done. Then, there are those of us (including myself), that should have divorced years ago, but instead coast through. I'll bet this is a personality thing on some level. There are 3 traits that keep keep me stagnant. The not-so-good ones are procrastination and laziness. The good one (well, good for him that is) is selflessness. He's only taken advantage of this. :(

I've waited too long. He's very self-centered. We are now filing bankruptcy (well, we have a consultation tomorrow) because of his entitlement to whatever new toy/gadget he wants. There is $50,000. in debt, and I keep thinking if I had respected myself enough to leave long ago, I could have this much saved in the bank instead of in credit debt.

I'm finally thinking enough is enough. I just wonder if I'll find the motivation and strength to act.
 

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It was a little of both: the mixture of years of contemplation and a final straw. For years my husband and I have been falling down a slippery slope, toward separation... the final straw was this last EA and the fact that my "trying" to justify staying AGAIN, is physically making me ill. I cannot live like this.

I wish you much luck in your situation.
 

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As omeone of the receiving end of the divorce i dont want. In our marriage there have been very minor issues over the years, until last year i got ill with depression following my mum dieing, i started to drink and this pushed us apart. She left to give us a break but after arguing i change the door lock - that pushed her into the divorce. i've now had councilling and im fully better and have fixed all the issues i had, I've given her a key to the house and told her I want her to move home, ill move out and ill sign the house over to her. We now get on fine as friends and with the kids and she tells me she sees ive changed and ideally we would be back together but to much has happend.
I take full account for what i have done and ive put everything right since.
Given what i said, and we have 3 kids is she right to cont the divorce or would you of given it another chance.

I ask all this as I do understand i drove her out, but I stuck in a place where i blame her for not trying to solve seeing all the issues have been fixed. Part of me doesnt blame her for what she id doing, but then part of me says we got married for life through sickness and i have come through the illness

Any thoughts??? Be honest
 

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It was a 3-stage final straw. 3 years prior to D-day on a family vacation, ex threw a tantrum including insulting my family who left. In private my SIL (his brother's wife) asked if he ever hit me. I'd kept it from everyone who knew me but her being able to see it made me break down. I finally acknowledged that this wasn't OK, I didn't deserve this and I had to get out.

Over 3 years I asked him to control his temper and tried to assert myself and it always ended ugly. He wanted no MC, saying they were for crazy people and he didn't need to be fixed, just needed to control his temper and for me to stop being stupid.

Two weeks prior to D-day I had consulted an attorney, gotten my own private cell phone, packed a bag and hid it, and opened my own checking account with $500 from my parents. He had wanted sex that morning, waiting until I was dressed and nearly ready for work and when I said no, he threw a fit, saying lots of women would want him and if he didn't get it at home, he'd get it somewhere. I told him to go ahead and that I wanted a divorce. (We had sex at LEAST 5x a week so this wasn't because he didn't get it enough.)

D-Day - In my parking deck I went to add something to my legal file but when I looked under my car seat and saw my legal file and the book "The verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans were gone. My heart was in my throat all the way home. I got home from work and ex was in the garage completely sweaty and acting weird. He said he was going to get a shower. He passed our 4y/o on the stairs looking confused with her toothbrush and toothpaste in her hand. I changed out of my suit as he was getting in the shower and once I knew he was in there for sure I went back and saw he had a black trashbag in the back of his SUV full of our daughter's clothes. Like everything she had. I tossed it in my car and asked my daughter if she wanted McDonald's for dinner and she said yes. We got in the car and left.

I got her dinner and found a safe place in the back of a shopping center to start making phone calls to parents and friends, warning them he would be looking for me and that I was safe. About halfway through my cell stopped working - he had cancelled the service. I fished the new one out of the console of my car that he didn't know I had. I called the battered women's shelter and they gave me the address.

I drove there and told my daughter that it was a very inexpensive hotel, that I couldn't afford much, so we would have to make our own beds, etc. that it was like a hostel and described that in kid terms. To this day she doesn't know where we were that I know of. The next day I got a restraining order, 2 days after that the deputy's met me at the marital home to pack clothes and toiletries.

9 years later I wish I hadn't waited - I should have left after the first year.
 

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As omeone of the receiving end of the divorce i dont want. In our marriage there have been very minor issues over the years, until last year i got ill with depression following my mum dieing, i started to drink and this pushed us apart. She left to give us a break but after arguing i change the door lock - that pushed her into the divorce. i've now had councilling and im fully better and have fixed all the issues i had, I've given her a key to the house and told her I want her to move home, ill move out and ill sign the house over to her. We now get on fine as friends and with the kids and she tells me she sees ive changed and ideally we would be back together but to much has happend.
I take full account for what i have done and ive put everything right since.
Given what i said, and we have 3 kids is she right to cont the divorce or would you of given it another chance.

I ask all this as I do understand i drove her out, but I stuck in a place where i blame her for not trying to solve seeing all the issues have been fixed. Part of me doesnt blame her for what she id doing, but then part of me says we got married for life through sickness and i have come through the illness

Any thoughts??? Be honest
You blame her for not fixing YOUR issues? I'm sure from her perspective she gave you lots of time to get over the death of your mother. Maybe she saw a side of you she can't get past. She may be resentful that you 'left' into your own head and misery, leaving her to run everything and care for the kids?

You really need to ask HER and talk to her, explaining you still love her and are in a better place and would welcome a chance to prove this isn't a temporary recovery.
 

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You blame her for not fixing YOUR issues? I'm sure from her perspective she gave you lots of time to get over the death of your mother. Maybe she saw a side of you she can't get past. She may be resentful that you 'left' into your own head and misery, leaving her to run everything and care for the kids?

You really need to ask HER and talk to her, explaining you still love her and are in a better place and would welcome a chance to prove this isn't a temporary recovery.
She never said a thing till she left, then she said it was too l8
 

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She never said a thing till she left, then she said it was too l8
But you had realized there were issues, tho? Because you sought to fix them/the drinking.

Sounds like you two never really communicated - you treated the death and the drinking and unhappiness like the elephant in the room that no one would acknowledge.

IMO it's too late. Take this as a lesson that a marriage is a partnership and you should have leaned on her, not booze, and explained your pain and difficulty. You could have gone to grief counseling together. It seems like you pushed her aside to wallow in pain (no shame - death is hard) and she got tired of waiting for you to come out of the fog.

Yes, she could have done something, but just because you finally fixed you doesn't make you blameless - it's on both of you. If she doesn't see the marriage as fixable any more it doesn't matter if you do. It takes two and she's already made up her mind.

You can talk to her about it or ask to go to MC together and give it another go. But you can't do it with blame in your heart.
 

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I have realised my part in it all - but at the time i didnt see it - ive spoken to counsollers n my gp and this was cos i was ill. I am fine now, but she wont try. I have told her it was my fault but i was ill

She is throwing away 13years n our 3 childrens future because i got ill - i know it was my fault, i have explained that,but why wont she try??
 

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I'm going to restrain myself here. 36, I feel for you. I went through a depression as well during my marriage and it was hell. The lack of communication was on both of us and the depression set in for reasons I'm not willing to go through in detail....But, what I've learned over the past two years is that I had my share of the blame during that period and I do not blame her for being upset with me for some of my behaviors, but at the same time I also recognize why I was feeling the way I was now that I am able to get away from it. You will see these things as well.

Point is, you are chasing the bunnies right now just as I did trying to figure it all out. It will come to you bit by bit. I was at fault, so was my ex. At least yours didn't have a year long affair and blame you for everything as it was happening.

The best thing you can do is not to blame either one of you. Fix what you need to fix (and a big congrats on doing so) and move forward. I know a ton of couples who are together who weathered the storm early in their marriage and are now completely in love. Then again, half of the people who marry decide not to do so and pack up and leave for whatever reason. I'm not talking about those who are abused. They should get the he!! out of the house.
 

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Final straw - catching him going to lunch with an opposite sex co-worker, lying to me about it and deleting chat logs. After a full blown 9+month PA 5 years ago, I wasn't going down the infidelity road again. Especially after he maintained they were "just friends" and whatever other justifications/blameshifting he was doing.
 

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I have realised my part in it all - but at the time i didnt see it - ive spoken to counsollers n my gp and this was cos i was ill. I am fine now, but she wont try. I have told her it was my fault but i was ill

She is throwing away 13years n our 3 children's future because i got ill - i know it was my fault, i have explained that,but why wont she try??
She isn't throwing away your children's futures. As to throwing away 13 years, if she sees no value in those 13 years then she won't see it as throwing them away, she will see them as wasted.
 

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Given what i said, and we have 3 kids is she right to cont the divorce or would you of given it another chance.

Any thoughts??? Be honest
Is she right? That doesn't really matter. It's how she feels, and you can't change that. Yes, I would give my spouse another chance in the sitch you described, but I'm not your spouse.

She's probably gone, and you can't do a thing about it. You need to work on your issues, and become the man you want to be. You also need to see a lawyer ASAP to learn your rights. Sorry, it sucks, but you can make it through this.
She isn't throwing away your children's futures. As to throwing away 13 years, if she sees no value in those 13 years then she won't see it as throwing them away, she will see them as wasted.
Ouch, that's brutal...but it's true.
 

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He asked for honesty. Plus that might be the brutal honesty he needs to see her side and start moving on.

Personally I almost view my years that way. I got a daughter, lots of personal growth and a good bit of general life knowledge out of it. Those are the only things that keep it from being a complete waste but it's pretty close to it.
 

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There are little moments lookin back now that I think, Oh yeah....

One time we were having dinner and he started yelling at me (in the restaurant) and then being very curt and rude and I just looked at him at this was happening and I thought "I don't want to do this anymore." I had no reaction to him at the point cause I was so done w/ caring like I did before.

There was another time, long before anything that he made a cmment to his brother, "If Jelly and I ever divorce" --it was totally offhand and not about anything anyone was talking about.. ... and I looked at him and thought "Why would he say that?" I always remember that and never forget that comment.

There are usually a lot of little things along the way that lead to the Big D.



********************** | ***************************************** | ***************************************
 

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He asked for honesty. Plus that might be the brutal honesty he needs to see her side and start moving on.
Yep, two sides to every story. Including the ones that we share on here. I have a feeling that right now 36 is taking more than his share of the blame as I did towards the end of my marriage. But, after doing some serious soul searching I realized that my ex contributed just as much to the demise of our relationship as I did. Just as everyone in this forum did their share to contribute to the demise of their relationships.
 

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Absolutely. I know where I contributed and I've learned to set boundaries. I taught my ex how to treat me so of course after 12 years he was surprised that I started standing up for myself. I know how he views things because we've talked about it. We don't agree but I know his perspective.
 

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The Final Straw: she asked me to be honest and so I told her everything.

If I had lied I may not even be here today.

I was wrong. I failed her and myself. I knew that if I told her the truth that she may ask for D, which she did. But I couldn't hurt her anymore. I couldn't live with the guilt any longer.

As it stands now, I realize it on the "other-side" that our marriage was troubled for many years.

But the final straw was my confession in my point of view. I am glad I told her everything. She deserved the truth. I am sorry I hurt her. I am sorry it led to D.

But, I have a new life and as my EX told my Mom, we will both be happier for it.

I know that I am. :)
 

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Thanks for the replies - they help. I know im only seeing it form my side, but is it really possible to see the 13years as wasted, when we used to have such a good marriage and we have had 3 children?
 

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Thanks for the replies - they help. I know im only seeing it form my side, but is it really possible to see the 13years as wasted, when we used to have such a good marriage and we have had 3 children?
You asked, so let me ask you, "Did you give it your best?"

If so, then why sweat it now? Life is hard, harder than you could imagine for those not in the "first world"....

So, therefore, you met someone, fell in love, got married, DID YOUR BEST, had kids ( who are great..right?) and then ...ooops...marriage ended....

If your integrity is intact, if you can rise above it all and say, "I know that I tried." then it's NOT a waste...

Those that "waste" life should be ashamed, the sloth amongst us.

But you sound like you tried and achieved things along the way...3 kids is an achievement by any measure!!

So .. NOPE. Not wasted.

Third World people are looking at your First World problem of divorce and scoffing at you...as they try to find peace, aid or relief from tyranny, destruction and disease.
 
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