Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 85 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,307 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Short background: You've heard it before. Girlfriend who doesn't believe in pre-marital sex becomes wife who turns out to be monumentally inhibited in the bedroom. Fast forward 27 years - kids are grown, nest is empty, sex life is unchanged and probably unchangeable. Fighting over the issue is no longer interesting because deep down after this much time you see the abject futility of it. Mate is otherwise a caring, loving person with similar beliefs and overall a good fit.

Now it's time to make a decision. Do you make the one thing you can't change important enough to end the relationship before age removes any chance of enjoying a fulfilling sex life? Or is the grass not only not greener, but perhaps not even grass?

I'm interested in hearing from those who chose either way and what they think about their decision. Regrets, satisfactions, compensations, thoughts, whatever.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Henri

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,335 Posts
In my humble opinion, yes, it's important enough to divorce. In fact, it was important enough to divorce 26 years ago. But since you didn't, it's still important enough to now. Just with the added side benefit of paying alimony for the majority of the rest of your life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
399 Posts
There are a few of us here like you Cletus. I am also interested in what this decision looks like in the rear view mirror. There are no guarantees and you could end up alone...could live with that. The prospect that scares me is ending up with the same frigid situation after the honeymoon.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
788 Posts
I'm several years post divorce.

Sex was always good, even up to and including the divorce but the point being that the women I've met in the post marriage years have a stronger sex drive than I do, and we're talking women from 40-50s.

If you want it, and you aren't getting it, then get out and go get some, it's waiting for you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,292 Posts
I am a woman but ended my marriage that was sexless. In my 40's, was married 17 years, a few kids. Ex and I were great in every other way.

But in the end the lack of sex was not about sex, it was about him saying he loved me but then doing nothing to give me the intimacy and sex life that I needed.

Don't think that divorce is an easy option, it isn't. It hurts, it costs and it is one of the hardest things I have ever done.

But it was worth it, oh yeah. Kids aside and all that goes with their issues, it was the best thing I could have ever done. I got sick of waking up every day thinking "is this it? Is this the rest of my life".

IME though, don't do it just for a better sex life. Do it because you want to be true to yourself and you want to grow as a person. Learn who you really are, why you ended up in this situation and take responsibility for how your life has turned out.

Grow and learn then get back out into the world cos it is a bloody brilliant world out there.
In my case I did not date for 12 months post separation, I used that time to get drunk and let go. Then did some online dating and had a ball. I learnt that I am in fact a gorgeous woman that men are very attracted too.

I am a woman that loves sex and intimacy, I was deprived of that for many years. I have since met the most wonderful man that I am incredibly compatible with in all areas of life.

There is an amazing life out there, I am now on the other side and have never felt more alive.

All the best OP
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,446 Posts
I am a woman but ended my marriage that was sexless. In my 40's, was married 17 years, a few kids. Ex and I were great in every other way.

But in the end the lack of sex was not about sex, it was about him saying he loved me but then doing nothing to give me the intimacy and sex life that I needed.

Don't think that divorce is an easy option, it isn't. It hurts, it costs and it is one of the hardest things I have ever done.

But it was worth it, oh yeah. Kids aside and all that goes with their issues, it was the best thing I could have ever done. I got sick of waking up every day thinking "is this it? Is this the rest of my life".

IME though, don't do it just for a better sex life. Do it because you want to be true to yourself and you want to grow as a person. Learn who you really are, why you ended up in this situation and take responsibility for how your life has turned out.

Grow and learn then get back out into the world cos it is a bloody brilliant world out there.
In my case I did not date for 12 months post separation, I used that time to get drunk and let go. Then did some online dating and had a ball. I learnt that I am in fact a gorgeous woman that men are very attracted too.

I am a woman that loves sex and intimacy, I was deprived of that for many years. I have since met the most wonderful man that I am incredibly compatible with in all areas of life.

There is an amazing life out there, I am now on the other side and have never felt more alive.

All the best OP
One of the best posts I have ever read on this board.

 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,307 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
Interesting so far. I've always figured that having a spouse who was lousy in bed was in some sense hitting the "jackpot" of spousal shortcomings. She could be a compulsive gambler, an alcoholic, a spendthrift, or an arson. The corollary of course is that in trying to fix the problem, you wind up looking over your shoulder and wondering why you ever left paradise, such as it was.

So far I'm not hearing anyone who regrets their decision, even if it was difficult. That's mildly surprising.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,335 Posts
So far I'm not hearing anyone who regrets their decision, even if it was difficult. That's mildly surprising.
What do you think the chances are that someone who left their wife and ended up alone and unhappy would be on a marriage website? If you ended up alone, you probably aren't on a website seeking advice about sex in marriage.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
148 Posts
Interesting so far. I've always figured that having a spouse who was lousy in bed was in some sense hitting the "jackpot" of spousal shortcomings. She could be a compulsive gambler, an alcoholic, a spendthrift, or an arson. The corollary of course is that in trying to fix the problem, you wind up looking over your shoulder and wondering why you ever left paradise, such as it was.

So far I'm not hearing anyone who regrets their decision, even if it was difficult. That's mildly surprising.
How can you be lousy in bed? Sex isn't that hard.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,307 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
What do you think the chances are that someone who left their wife and ended up alone and unhappy would be on a marriage website? If you ended up alone, you probably aren't on a website seeking advice about sex in marriage.
Yeah, that thought crossed my mind too.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,456 Posts
But in the end the lack of sex was not about sex, it was about him saying he loved me but then doing nothing to give me the intimacy and sex life that I needed.
I can totally identify with this post. Whilst sex isn't the B all and end all of a relationship, it IS the cement that keeps it together.

I gave up on my 6 year sexless marriage and never regretted it - despite the hardship of raising a child on my own.
 
  • Like
Reactions: jaquen

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,307 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
How can you be lousy in bed? Sex isn't that hard.
Apparently it is for some. If I'm being accurate, she's not lousy in bed, but we're fatally mismatched. I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there who would be happy with once-a-week vanilla missionary sex. Anything else is, for her, very hard.

Sadly, I'm not one of them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,292 Posts
Thanks jaquen, very humbling.

It has been very therapeutic for me to post and read on TAM. I have learnt so much about what a healthy relationship should look like.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
148 Posts
Apparently it is for some. If I'm being accurate, she's not lousy in bed, but we're fatally mismatched. I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there who would be happy with once-a-week vanilla missionary sex. Anything else is, for her, very hard.

Sadly, I'm not one of them.
OK. That is pretty vanilla. Sorry :(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
300 Posts
It was important enough when I thought that I was going to get consistent sex when engaged and getting married. You can always still be friends just like now.
 
1 - 20 of 85 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top