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Discussion Starter #1
So, anyone that has read my past stories, knows that life has not been the kindest to me in years.

To catch people up, I was long separated from my H, and I moved on to a younger man, that was very abusive to me and in the end, he spent time in jail.

Several years later, I engaged in a relationship with a man that was in the process of divorce. The divorce went through and he ended up following his ex over several states and sleeping on their couch..:giving up a good job for a bad one.
He is currently her little b**** and instead of having a mind of his own, asks how high when she screams at him to jump. Needless to say, I put the end to that.

So, over the years, my ex H and I have managed to put together a puzzle so that we could co-parent and it has been very successful. We both help each other when needed (I just gave him £5000 for a new engine for his car, which is technically mine, he helps me run errands and go to doctors appointments because I have a disability). I ensure there is always petrol in the car so he can go to work, pay for all other Maintenance work and I make sure he is fed.

Anyways, several weeks ago I had an operation and have had several major complications that have landed me very ill and in the hospital. My Grandmother (who was in essence my mother) died right in front of me (which I am slowly dealing with because of other issues in life).

My H, who I do rely on a great deal because of my medical issues, had a holiday booked to see his family....which I was fine with. Even though he booked it and told me a month later. My only issue was the length of time.
He was planning on goi g for 3 weeks, I asked him to change it to 2.

I am practically bedridden, have nursing coming in daily to clean my infection. I cannot walk more than 500 ft without being in extreme pain. I am not allowed to lift more than 3 lbs for the next 4-6 weeks minimum.

On top of this, he left me alone with 2 disabled children and I have no one else to help me. I cannot go grocery shopping because I cannot fully walk through a store, and even if I pushed hard enough to get through that, many items I am not able to either Bend over or lift. Same thing applies to laundry. Out laundry has to be taken currently to a laundry mat. I am unable to bend over to pick it up from the floor. I am not able to bring the baskets outside and load them in a taxi and I am not able to load them into the machines or unload them, put them in a taxi, unload them from the taxi to my home, or move them into the basement to dry.

The only other person in the world that could help me would be my mother, and she refuses to help because it will take up too much of her time she claims to be too old and she thinks my H should have cancelled his holiday, so she won’t help out of spite.

I offered my H money so he could reduce the tiMe he is away because it is just too long for me. Aside from what I have already mentioned, there is also a lot of things going on.

Was I being unreasonable asking him to cut it short by a week?



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Well, first you call him your ex H then later you call him your.H. It makes a difference, are you officially divorced?

You wanted the divorce so you could be with someone else?

Does he have a new partner?

You are taking care of your disabled children while he is away? How old are they? Are they able to help you?

Can't answer your question without this information.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
No, we are not divorced. I call him my H because of this. We are separated, however every time I try to bring about divorce proceedings, he cries and says that he is not ready.

As for my disabled children helping, no they cannot.

No. He does not have a new partner. We have been split up for MANY years and he refuses to move on and he relies on me for all his emotional support....to the point where I cannot even move on because he is always there and that does not allow me to move on. I am too sick now to even care to try about that.


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You are separated, wanting a divorce, and he's going to visit his family. Is he going to try and put space between you?

Was the working arrangement (him running our errands)decided after you chose to separate?

It doesn't really make sense why your mother would hold it against him if you were separated. Or why, if separated(wanting divorce), you would continue expecting him to do the same as when you were together. Why did you separate?
 

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You cleared up the H/exH issue, but I'm still confused about a few things.

1. How old are your children, and what are their maladies?

2. If you can afford £5000 pounds to put an engine in his/your car and you can pay him to cut his visit short, why can't you pay someone to come in and help you get things done while he's gone?

3. Why can't clothes be dried at the laundry? They don't have dryers?

4. Why don't you have a washer & dryer at home? Front-loaders can be set up and elevated so you won't have to do much bending. There are also small ones and portable ones that can be moved around the house and set up at the kitchen sink when needed. I can't help thinking that £5000 could have both purchased a washer & dryer and a more reliable car.

Yes, I'm afraid I do think your request was unreasonable. I understand you need his help, but I think it's unfair to saddle him with being at your constant disposal. Anyone would need a break, everyone needs a vacation sometimes, and 3 weeks out of the year isn't too much to ask you to make other arrangements and get someone in to assist while he's gone. Does your insurance pay for home health care?

If your last surgery rendered you so completely disabled, what are the doctors planning to do about it? Are you in physical therapy to get better and more mobile? It just seems such a life sentence from surgery. Can you sue them?
 

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I forgot to add that I also wonder about the motorized carts in grocery stores. You don't have those there?

Being that I'm in the US and you're in the UK, I don't know the differences or what is and isn't available. But I have been under the impression that the UK was modernized and has all the same (if not more) modern conveniences we have here in the US. I guess I could be wrong.

So I'm asking if there are handicap carts like these in the grocery stores?

Also, store employees are usually able and willing to help reach high and low merchandise. Additionally, are you able to call the store with your purchase requests and have them delivered? Is that available in the UK? Have you checked?
 

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Discussion Starter #7
You cleared up the H/exH issue, but I'm still confused about a few things.



1. How old are your children, and what are their maladies?



2. If you can afford £5000 pounds to put an engine in his/your car and you can pay him to cut his visit short, why can't you pay someone to come in and help you get things done while he's gone?



3. Why can't clothes be dried at the laundry? They don't have dryers?



4. Why don't you have a washer & dryer at home? Front-loaders can be set up and elevated so you won't have to do much bending. There are also small ones and portable ones that can be moved around the house and set up at the kitchen sink when needed. I can't help thinking that £5000 could have both purchased a washer & dryer and a more reliable car.



Yes, I'm afraid I do think your request was unreasonable. I understand you need his help, but I think it's unfair to saddle him with being at your constant disposal. Anyone would need a break, everyone needs a vacation sometimes, and 3 weeks out of the year isn't too much to ask you to make other arrangements and get someone in to assist while he's gone. Does your insurance pay for home health care?



If your last surgery rendered you so completely disabled, what are the doctors planning to do about it? Are you in physical therapy to get better and more mobile? It just seems such a life sentence from surgery. Can you sue them?


1. My children are 13, 14 and 16. The 13 and 16 year old suffer from autism, so having them do almost anything is a constant battle that I do not have the strength to fight. Everything else gets placed on the shoulders of my 14 year old who has been doing almost everything for the past several years, and it is unfair to make her do everything.

2. I could afford to have someone come in and help, unfortunately I have been unable to secure anyone to assist in this matter. It is not a come in an help for a couple hours here and there thing. It is unpredictable.

3. Clothes can be dried at the driers. Issue with this is that I have a gaping hole in my stomach at the moment and am not suppose to lift anything. My children go to school, so I have no assistance taking the clothing out of my home, loading it into a taxi, unloading it from the taxi, bending over and putting it into machines, moving it from washers to dryers and then loading it back into a taxi, unloading it back into my home.

4. I have a dryer in my basement. I am getting a new washer and dryer next month. That still does not help me with bringing it down from the upstairs to the basement to wash and dry and then bring it back up.

You are right, everyone needs a break sometimes. He goes to Europe for 6 weeks out of the year. I get nothing.
I take care of around 97% of everything.
He needs anything from me and he gets its. I deal with everything else and all I ask from him is to help me with things that I am not suppose to do, which is lifting, and I do not think that it is too much to ask for him to do that since I am sick, I make sure that everyone is taken care of before myself, even when I am sick. And it is only making me more sick because it is causing me to not heal.


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can you get a visiting nurse in for the extra week he is away...or some other friend to come in and check up on you?
 

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Discussion Starter #9
can you get a visiting nurse in for the extra week he is away...or some other friend to come in and check up on you?


No. I had a PSW last time I was sick and all they will help me to do is wash my hair, get dressed and make me a sandwich. They only come during the day when my kids are at school and I also have a dog that weighs 125lbs so they will not come into the house unless the dog is locked up, and moving a 125lbs dog when you are not suppose to lift more than a few pounds is impossible.

I have a condition called neuropathy in my foot, which means I have no ability to move my ankle....and I have a drop foot, so it just hangs there....useless.
I also have herniated discs in my back, arthritis in it and degenerative disc disorder.
I cannot bend over past my knees, therefore I cannot put on my own underwear, socks, shoes or pants.

I have to use a walker so I do not fall.

I am not looking for sympathy, but my life is not easy. Right now is a really tough time and I really needed him. My Grandmother had a heart attack in front of me 2 weeks ago and died. My son is having a hard time in school and everything has just exploded all at once and when I really needed his support, he wasn’t there for me.



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a_new_me, you're feeling sad right now about health situation and physical limitations, so you rely on him more out of sadness than you really need to. I think more than anything, you are fearing him being away for 3 weeks because you might need him at unpredictable times. He's convenient and usually available, so you're fearing him not being available, but I really think you can through this.

You got this, girl! You can get through those 3 weeks.

If you were a friend of mine, I would devote time to help you out, and I would help you get organized. Getting organized is all you have to do right now....And not be afraid to be without him.

1. My children are 13, 14 and 16. The 13 and 16 year old suffer from autism, so having them do almost anything is a constant battle that I do not have the strength to fight. Everything else gets placed on the shoulders of my 14 year old who has been doing almost everything for the past several years, and it is unfair to make her do everything.

I certainly understand that. Are there home care services for autism patients in your area? Here in the states, there are agencies that provide respite for families with autistic children. Do you have anything like that available? Perhaps a teenage neighbor girl or daughter of a friend/relative could come by to occupy them so you can be free to get other things done. Call and ask everyone you know. When I was running my printing business, I would often need a crew to come early in the morning to help get orders out the door. I would call everyone I knew, including relatives to ask "Do you know someone I can trust to help out on Saturday morning (or Mon - Fri. It was unpredictable when I would need lots of help, but I knew I had to secure people who would be available.) I got lots of phone numbers and on the days I needed a crew, I had 6-10 people I could call in.

2. I could afford to have someone come in and help, unfortunately I have been unable to secure anyone to assist in this matter. It is not a come in an help for a couple hours here and there thing. It is unpredictable.

There are employment agencies and home health care providers. When you call around, you will learn about other places that offer similar services. Schedule someone to come x number of times a week at a certain time. Schedule tasks and chores (such as laundry day, grocery shopping, and house cleaning) during those days and times that need to be done. There's no way to account or prepare for the unpredictable, but you can get as much of the main things done as possible. Have someone come in 1-4 days a week, whatever you can afford, for 3-4 hours a day. Or have them come 1-2 days a week for a full 8 hours a day. This can also give your 14 year old some reprieve.

3. Clothes can be dried at the driers. Issue with this is that I have a gaping hole in my stomach at the moment and am not suppose to lift anything. My children go to school, so I have no assistance taking the clothing out of my home, loading it into a taxi, unloading it from the taxi, bending over and putting it into machines, moving it from washers to dryers and then loading it back into a taxi, unloading it back into my home.

This is why you will schedule someone to come in and help with the laundry and other chores that you can't do. It would be much faster to dry the clothes at the laundromat instead of bringing them home to dry only one load at a time. It's also a consideration to do laundry on the weekends when the kids are not in school. They can assist the helper.

4. I have a dryer in my basement. I am getting a new washer and dryer next month. That still does not help me with bringing it down from the upstairs to the basement to wash and dry and then bring it back up.

Transporting the clothes up and down the stairs need not be a task or concern since you will call in help and everything will be done at the laundromat. The helper will only have to bring them back into the house and put them away. They won't need to go to the basement.

You are right, everyone needs a break sometimes. He goes to Europe for 6 weeks out of the year. I get nothing.
I take care of around 97% of everything.
He needs anything from me and he gets its. I deal with everything else and all I ask from him is to help me with things that I am not suppose to do, which is lifting, and I do not think that it is too much to ask for him to do that since I am sick, I make sure that everyone is taken care of before myself, even when I am sick. And it is only making me more sick because it is causing me to not heal.

Your illness (and result of the surgery it seems) are very hard on you. I do think though that you should begin to accustom yourself to not having him available. You guys are separated. Most people in that situation move on and don't make themselves available to the ex spouse. It's been great for both of you so far, but it isn't going to always be this way. At some point, one or both of you will have your own lives independent of each other. And you will still need help and will need to take care of yourself so you can heal.

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Discussion Starter #11
a_new_me, you're feeling sad right now about health situation and physical limitations, so you rely on him more out of sadness than you really need to. I think more than anything, you are fearing him being away for 3 weeks because you might need him at unpredictable times. He's convenient and usually available, so you're fearing him not being available, but I really think you can through this.

You got this, girl! You can get through those 3 weeks.

If you were a friend of mine, I would devote time to help you out, and I would help you get organized. Getting organized is all you have to do right now....And not be afraid to be without him.


Thank you .
To be honest, I have nothing. All I had was him because he took a huge part in chasing away my progress forward and I am harbouring a lot of resentment right now.

I can deal with everything else on my own. I am far from weak. I have developed a survivors mentality.
They are not his problems. I just hoped that he would help me co-parent instead of screwing off at the worst possible time.
I have always been there for him so we could work together and I feel like he left me high and dry.

Things are going to change when he gets back. I gave birth to 3 children, not 4. I am sick of being taken for granted.



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Thank you .
To be honest, I have nothing. All I had was him because he took a huge part in chasing away my progress forward and I am harbouring a lot of resentment right now.

I can deal with everything else on my own. I am far from weak. I have developed a survivors mentality.
They are not his problems. I just hoped that he would help me co-parent instead of screwing off at the worst possible time.
I have always been there for him so we could work together and I feel like he left me high and dry.

Things are going to change when he gets back. I gave birth to 3 children, not 4. I am sick of being taken for granted.

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You're feeling so overwhelmed. I understand. But you're right! You're a survivor! You got this, and you'll show him and yourself that you can do it. It's just better than him knowing you need him so badly. When they have the upper hand is when people take advantage, so don't make him so important, or he'll keep trying to keep you down and dependent on him. If he knows you can get things worked out while he's gone, then maybe he won't act like such a child. Show him you can make it when he's here, and you can make it when he's gone. Don't be scared.
 

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Discussion Starter #13 (Edited)
You're feeling so overwhelmed. I understand. But you're right! You're a survivor! You got this, and you'll show him and yourself that you can do it. It's just better than him knowing you need him so badly. When they have the upper hand is when people take advantage, so don't make him so important, or he'll keep trying to keep you down and dependent on him. If he knows you can get things worked out while he's gone, then maybe he won't act like such a child. Show him you can make it when he's here, and you can make it when he's gone. Don't be scared.


Thank you.
I am not going to be scared.
My physical recovery is going to take a lot longer than it is suppose to, but I will muscle through it without his support.
I would never abandon anyone like he has abandoned me and all of my heart strings have been broken.
I am not going to have any sympathy for him anymore and he is going to have to learn to live without me.
He showed me where his priorities are, and I would never leave someone hanging like he has left me and our children.
I get that he needs to see his “family”, but we are “suppose” to be his family too.
A Birthday card or a Christmas card to our children, no phone call, nothing, for the majority of their lives unless I dropped $10K in airfare and hotels to go visit and then they spend $50 once every few (5) years so the kids have something to unwrap at the holidays is pathetic.
His parents have disowned 3 of his brothers 4 children because they got sick of being treated like crap, and I really do not blame the kids.
Anytime his “family” (mother) has ever visited, I had to pay for it. I also paid for his Grandmother to come “visit” and his “niece”.
They are far from poor. Especially his sister and brother.
He will have a new one ripped by me for him when he gets back, and after that he needs to get his priorities straight or find a way to move back because I am not spending another cent on him. He makes ridiculous money at his job but screams poverty (can not afford gas in the car I paid for or his rent, but can afford flying to Europe for several weeks and buying lavish gifts for his family and getting plastered at the pub nightly). Not my problem. He can’t be there for me and goes out of his way to sabotage my happiness, then welcome back to the woman that is not listening to your sob stories.


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Good for YOU!!!

Tell me, why don't you get child support? If you and he are separated and he's always bleeding you for money despite earning good money himself, why don't make him pay child support? You can do that while you're still married and don't have to be divorced. That way, you can pay for all the help you need since he won't be around anymore, and you'll be completely independent of him. And he won't be around with his sob stories and asking for money and mooching off his own children.
 

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Forgive my confusion in following your story but if i understand this and tell me if i have it wrong...you want a divorce but your husband doesn't, but that did not stop you have have two relationship with two other men, who have treated you like crap (one abusive and the other abandonment), then you feel ill, so you need your husband help with not only yourself but your kids as well, now you want him around 24/7 to help you and the kids...is that correct? Technically you are both married and so any money you spend for car repair is for the family since he is not asking for a divorce....honestly i think you are are being highly unreasonable and frankly selfish.
 

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This……
This is Karma on steroids.
I could not, will not raise the whip a wit.

You may be at fault here, I am sure of that.

You sound very entitled and demanding.
However, whatever haughtiness is in you has been beaten to death by ill fate.

I cannot offer you any solution. I am not that magician.

My advice?

For the next year, be kind, not demanding.
Live through the next three weeks the best you can.

The goal is to get stronger and to make it ‘less badly’ than it is.
It seems the harder you fight back the harder some SOB Fate crushes you.

People here, on TAM only see your dominance, your fire.
They see not your pain and crap circumstances.

I would like others on here to put up with what has befallen you, and then present this kind face.

Stop fighting God, or whatever in your mind, made of us.
Ask for forgiveness, and mean of it.

WHAT HAVE YOU TO LOSE? CAN YOU LOSE ANYMORE?

You are losing every battle, surrender your ego to that concept of ‘asking of mercy’.

Asking for mercy from some higher power.
Or, continue to hold your head up and continue to get kicked everywhere painful.

I am not asking you to lay on the floor blubbering. I suspect that will never happen.

Just say, “I am sorry for all those bad things that I own.
Forgive me for any and all my transgressions”.

Ask mercy for your children.
Through them you may get claim to your own set of mercies.
Some of theirs, given over.

If you are, indeed, on this downward spiral, go down gracefully.

I suspect, this too shall pass.

Some ill winds take years to blow past.

Yours are are many years in the making, hopefully, near completion.

This life is your due for some sins of your ancestors, now passed down on to you.

On a side note: Some of the drugs that may cause peripheral neuropathy include:
o Anti-alcohol drugs (Disulfiram)
o Anticonvulsants Phenytoin (Dilantin®)
o Cancer medications (Cisplatin)
o Vincristine
o Heart or blood pressure medications (Amiodarone)
o Hydralazine
o Perhexiline
o Infection fighting drugs (Metronidazole, Flagyl®, Fluoroquinolones: Cipro®, Levaquin®)
o Nitrofurantoin
o Thalidomide
o INH (Isoniazid)
o Skin condition treatment drugs (Dapsone)



THRD-
 

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No, we are not divorced. I call him my H because of this. We are separated, however every time I try to bring about divorce proceedings, he cries and says that he is not ready.

As for my disabled children helping, no they cannot.

No. He does not have a new partner. We have been split up for MANY years and he refuses to move on and he relies on me for all his emotional support....to the point where I cannot even move on because he is always there and that does not allow me to move on. I am too sick now to even care to try about that.


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I'm confused. You're separated and want to divorce, but you want him to support you?

He relies on you for all his emotional needs, but you've already moved on to other relationships?

None of this makes any sense at all.
 

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@a_new_me,

You are long separated from your "husband" but won't/don't file for divorce--so you don't want to live with the man and build a loving life together, but you DO want him to take care of you, physically and emotionally support you, share in daily "life chores" with you...

And while still married to your "husband" whom you haven't lived with for years, you were with one man who was 11 years younger than you who choked you and assaulted you, and got jail time for that crime...and you also were with another man who was also still married but was in the process of divorcing, whose exW said "Her or Me?" and you offered to pay her "child support" but instead they finalized their divorce and he ended up following after his exW.

You've done ALL THIS with two disabled childrens and a ton of physical illnesses and medical conditions.

And somehow, in all this chaos, you expect your "husband" to care about you and care FOR you when you have this surgery. Ma'am, the issues here is not your "husband", your abusive younger man ex, or your "I'll pay your child support" ex. It's you. YOU are not dwelling in reality, and your definition of normal is completely skewed.

In a somewhat typical "normal" life, if your "husband" cheated on you or you cheated on him, or if you just did not fit together well and came to realize that living together was not good for either one of you, then the two of you would divorce and all the ties that had previous bound you would be DISENTANGLED. He would live his entire life without a thought or concern about you...and you would live your entire life without a thought or concern about him. Now, there would be no need for animosity, but there would also not be a need for staying involved with each other, loaning each other money, or expecting to take vacations etc.!! ALL of that kind of thought is completely unreasonable and abnormal.

In a somewhat typical "normal" life, your abusive ex would have gone to jail, you would have a restraining order on him, and if the two of you had contact IN ANY WAY, for any reason, back to jail he'd go!! You would never, ever contact him in any way ever again, and he would never, ever contact you in any way ever again.

In a somewhat typical "normal" life, your "I'll pay your child support" ex would have taken care of his own children and his own affairs and been fully and completely a whole individual without needing to rely on you. He would earn his own way in the world, pay for the children he helped create, parent his children responsibly, and look after his own emotional and physical needs. He wouldn't NEED you...he would choose you. And if he made the choice to go after his ex rather than going after you, well, that's his choice to make! You may not agree, but he can absolutely pay the cost and reap the benefit of that decision.

Finally, in a somewhat typical "normal" life, you would be divorced from your "husband" and let him go 100%. You would be providing for yourself and your children with your EXH chipping in child support for the children (not you). You would make arrangements for your own self, whether that's care for you or care for the kids, and you would coordinate all of that on your own. You would not be trying to manipulate others into being responsible for you, supporting your emotions, or taking physical care of you. You would never, EVER contact abusive ex ever again. You would let "child support" ex go, with well wishes (hey, he chose what he chose). And you would get your own butt to a psychiatrist, an intensive therapist, and several support groups in order to learn self-worth, self-reliance, and self-care.

Depending on others not reasonable. Learn how to be responsible for your own self.
 

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Does he have the children at all? Could he take them on his holiday to give you a break? It seems you need it.
 
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