Talk About Marriage banner
21 - 27 of 27 Posts

Premium Member
12,257 Posts
My husband and I have been together almost 8 years, married for 6. We have a 5 year old and 4 year old together and I thought we lived a happy life. Boy was I wrong.

Last month I found out about his porn use which is not an issue but he was stealing money from me to buy smoking fetish content, premium porn memberships etc and it was clear his usage was increasing all while we weren't physical.

He took money from my business which supported us solely. We cut porn our he said he was going to get a job Repay me whatever and things were okay. Few weeks later I find out it's not just porn but subscribing to ex gf onlyfans again with my money.

Now this is where it gets worse. When I say I wish I just let things go I mean it I had no idea the trauma I was about to cause myself. I found 16 emails from over the 8 years he made for porn sites, kik, snapchat, reddit, Twitter texting apps etc.
Long story short pretty much throughout our 8 years together he has talked to girls on and off taking brief breaks always starting with a new girl so it wasn't anything physical or serious but still. The gentleman he is atleast took 2 weeks off after we got married 馃ゴ

All while I was dealing with ppd from having 2 kids 13 months apart. I probably laid in bed and did nothing but stare at my phone for almost 2 years. I went from 175lbs to 305lbs. He says he did it for attention I said well if you put that effort into getting me mental health help after birthing your children I would have been available to give you attention. But instead you let me rot away in a bed for 2 years.

2020 I got my **** together and began losing weight opened my small business selling tshirts and in 2021 my business blew up. In Feb 2021 he got fired so I said let's just have you help me with the business. He did basically nothing I guess except for spend my money. I lost a massive amount of weight. Right now I weight 120lbs. I changed myself to fit his tastes hoping that would make him love me.

He stopped trying to have sex with my altogether and so I did as well. After the porn use came out we talked alot and i felt like we were closer than ever our sex life was back to being daily we started trying new things etc but now with this newest discovery I can't wrap my head around the fact that he could love me and choose to talk to other girls for the entire relationship we had. I love him or well I guess I love who I thought he was. I don't know if it's worth even trying to do marriage counseling or if we are way past it.
He doesn't even know what love is. He's in love with only one thing. What a trauma to find out the family you're building is just a sideline for him. The theft would be a dealbreaker to me and plenty of the other things as well. But I mean, he's out of work, you try to help him, and he rips you off.

Puhlease don't waste another day pretending to be married to this jerk. He's not a good role model for the kids either. Sorry you're going through it. Just face reality. He is what he is, and he's shown you clearly what that is. He won't change.

100 Posts
First I will say, as someone who suffers severe bouts of depression randomly and struggled with PMDD - it can be extremely difficult for our spouses as well to deal with our illness. A lot of people do not understand the disease but even many of us who struggle with it do not understand the toll that it takes on our husbands or other caregivers to take care of us. Could your husband have been dealing with fall out of your illness? I'm confused because in your OP you make him seem very unconcerned and unhelpful to you but a few posts later you state he did help with the kids, etc while you were struggling... I'm not blaming you at all, but it is a valid question if he also had issues during your illness. Maybe you believe that you were meeting his needs, but maybe you weren't and he sought outside the relationship to meet those needs? I'm not excusing his action at all and I find it to be really repulsive regardless, but to me it would be something to consider. I know others won't agree....

My husband and I were in your exact situation almost in our 20s (except for the stealing money and being unemployed - that is what I would have HUGE issues with). We met each other when we were just 18 year olds, had our first baby at 22 years old, and never really dated too many other people. My husband does have ex girlfriends he used to contact... But we did manage to salvage our marriage and in our 30s we have been pretty happy, for at least the last 8ish years. Change is possible, but difficult. Your husband has to WANT to salvage the relationship, and you have to be willing to forgive him. BOTH of you would need to be open and willing to work through things. If he and you as well aren't 100% in this to give up vices to make it work, then it won't.

I agree with doing the therapy to help, as long as you are both 100% invested in the relationship and he is completely honest with you. It just depends on if you feel like you can trust him.

13,560 Posts
Sorry it's hard to remember all of what to include and I felt like I was rambling. We did still have sex. He wasn't satisfied with it because of his kinks that he didn't disclose with me and it backfired on him because it was things I liked as well. There were periods of time he would quit his job and my aunt would have to bail us out financially. He never had a job for over 1 year. He would work a customer service call center job and come home, microwave the kids dinner give them a bath put them to bed and pickup I won't discredit that but he came home at 7pm so he didn't have to do alot which is why he would get up at night with them. And if he was unemployed he would jump up and change the kids diapers telling me to just relax etc and I am grateful for that as well but that is as far as the support went I think he thought if he just took on more I'd get better last year I was diagnosed with autism and I truly believe I was in a constant state of overstimulation with 2 small kids no family support I was only 22 etc. Pretty much from early 2018 til late 2019. I would lay in bed and he would play games with friends while the kids played or I'd nap with the kids. I have always had issues with initiating sex and it's something he knows. I do not feel horny ever unless I am stimulated so over the years I told him even a buy grab literally anything it's like sex just doesn't enter my mind unless the thought was there. I have never in 8 years turned down any of his sexual advances and he's always been appropriate about when he tries like if I don't feel good he won't try or after the kids were born etc. I think our sex life suffered because he wasn't honest with me from the start about what he liked. I was 19 when we got together and knew nothing about sex I'm 27 now and I'm still trying to figure out what my "kinks" are
So you don't describe a great marriage, for either one of you. What is your goal? What would be your perfect scenario going on from here?

13,429 Posts
Also idk if this detail matters or not but he also was not forthcoming with any of this information I just kept digging and digging until I found it all myself and each time he would say I don't remember that and breakdown in tears and say how sorry he was
He鈥檚 probably sorry he got caught. Better wake up to your new reality. You may only know the tip of this iceberg.

182 Posts
Ugh, I am so sorry. It is extremely difficult to find out that your H is not who you thought that they were. It takes time to wrap your head around that as well as figuring out how to navigate the new waters that you are in. I am glad you talked to a lawyer and I would do everything to secure your finances. Fortunately, you earn money so you don't have to be dependant on him. I get it-- you thought things were going well so it is a shock to your system. I was in such shock, I never thought I would get out of it. I literally walked around like a deer caught in headlights for a month. You need to grieve the relationship and man that you thought you had. It is hard, but it does get easier (I can only vouch for easier not easy at this time). Personally I would move on from him as you don't want to be in this same type of problem 10 years from now wishing you did things differently. However only you can make that decision. Best of luck!
21 - 27 of 27 Posts