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My wife and I separated recently, on the understanding that we would be trying to work things out, not see other people and go to counselling. However, I have discovered that she has been sleeping with another man. While I respect her right to be happy and to live the life she wants, I don't understand why she wouldn't have the decency to say simply that the marriage was over and then move on to the other relationship. I am sure that this has been covered before by many people, but I am just so sad. Was it unreasonable of me to expect her to honour what we agreed at the time of separation, or does anything go once you move out? I am sorry if this seems very naive.
 

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Seems like cheating to me. Unless she told you if we separate I will see other people until we finalize a divorce.
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Thank you for replying. When she left she told me that she wanted to work it out, so I did not think that we were definitely headed for divorce. I specifically asked about seeing other people, and we agreed not to. I guess I have just been a chump. The problem now is that I feel completely inadequate compared to the OM.
 

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She clearly is not "trying to work things out"

I presume the agreement to separate was openly discussed as her feelings for another person? Or was it some other issue. Because if it was some other issue then there was even more deception and counseling is an exercise in futility and kabuki theater.
 

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Hang your head up high. You honored your vows. She cheated not you. Hopefully the OM turns out to be a dirt bag who sleeps with a married woman. When she comes running back to you remember the hurt and betrayal. It sucks now but you know you did the right thing.
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No, as far as I knew, it was problems to do with how we were interacting with each other. She never mentioned that she had feelings for another man.

I again am sorry to sound so stupid (this is completely new territory to me), but why would counselling be futile in this situation? Is it simply because the marriage is clearly over?
 

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Richie 33, thank you for your moral support. I think the thing that really got to me was she told the OM that she felt her marriage was over before she told me. (This was in response to my question as to whether he knew that she was married, even if separated.)
 

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Sorry you are here.
You are still married so yes unfortunately she is cheating on you and by the sounds of it it's been going on for some time.
She is, what is known in the trade, as cake eating.
She's keeping her options open.
So what's your plan?
My H did the same thing to me. He didn't tell me about the EA turned PA because he said he was afraid of losing me, confused, didn't know what he wanted.
So I eventually made his mind up for him. I let him go, told him to be happy, but I wanted out of the drama and the heartache. I did a partial 180 and started living my life.
Took him 3 weeks to realise it wasn't what he wanted, finished the A and was asking to reconcile.
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Counseling works when two people want to work things out. Sounds like your wife checked out. I would find out if OM is married. If he is get ahold of his wife. Don't make it easier for either one.
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Thank you for replying. When she left she told me that she wanted to work it out, so I did not think that we were definitely headed for divorce. I specifically asked about seeing other people, and we agreed not to. I guess I have just been a chump. The problem now is that I feel completely inadequate compared to the OM.
Friend see the bold text? NONSENSE

You are inadequate because you expect honesty? You're a chump for expecting fidelity? Out of the three of you: Your wife, the other dude, and you, who do you think has integrity and honor? Who would you like your kids (if any) to respect and emulate?

Now, if you had said "I let her spend time with another man to appease her and make her happy" THEN I would say "what a chump"

Act with dignity - demand respect in marriage or divorce. There is no middle ground. Respect includes truthfulness. Why is she afraid of the truth? Does she think you'll physically abuse her? Does she think you are so emotionally weak you'll fall apart?
OR is she just a selfish, devious, and deceitful person incapable of speaking simple truths?

YOU have nothing to be ashamed about - SHE DOES. Let her know you are no chump. You see the truth and tell her you do.
 

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In her mind it might not be cheating since your separated.:(

It is cheating. She's showing you that she is not into you by sleeping with other men. It's highly disrespectful. You can not make her happy, only she herself can make her happy.

I'm very sorry your going through this. My ex h is a serial cheater. Except he cheated while we were together and saw nothing wrong with it. He always blamed me for his misery. I wouldn't doubt he still does 19 years later.

I did meet a very decent man and we've been happily married for over 12 years. There are decent women who like the nice men. My husband is a very nice man type. Never in a million years would I disrespect or take advantage of him.
 

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Daisygirl 41, I have told her that she has clearly no respect for me or for our marriage, and that I wish her well for the future with her new partner.
How did she respond?
Does she seem 'happy' with her new life?
How much contact do you have?
Sorry for all the question!
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Walkonmars, I'minlovewithmyhubby:
Thank you very much for being supportive. I think part of the problem is I have been very weak in the past in terms of standing up to what is clearly unacceptable behaviour. But this really changed things. I am sure I contributed to the problems, but my view was we take a break, we get some breathing space, then we work it out together, with counselling. You live and learn, don't you?
 

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I said counseling was futile because while she's having sex with someone else it is useless. It's like taking an alcoholic to AA with a bottle of hootch in the pocket. Totally useless.

FIRST loose the hooch - then AA can be effective. Same principle.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
How did she respond?
Does she seem 'happy' with her new life?
How much contact do you have?
Sorry for all the question!
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She was very upset, she does not seem happy (but she does not seem to want to get back together), we have regular contact.
 
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