Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 6 of 6 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
My wife and I cam to my parents house for the weekend. My brother lives with his wife in different house. Long story short- my brothers wife said if she takes her life she will leave a note saying my mom is to blame. My brothers wife is crazy and has issues and we all know it. Alot of the fights my wife and I have had ate because of her. At the end of the day when my wife and I were in the room. I was not mad and did not raise my voice. I simply mentioned to my wife not to tell her mom / brother about this issuse, cause they are not involved. Telling them serves no purpose. My wife talks to her mom/brother multiple times a day. Anyway, my wife got mad and upset and startied crying. She said I am only yours and I will never talk to my mom or brother anymore. God made me only for you. She started exaggerating and taking crazy. I simply meant about this suicide issue. Its morning now and she is still mad. Been married 2.5 years. At times I dont feel happy in this marriage. She gets mad easily and we usually cant have a mature conversation. I am not perfect, in the past I would also get mad and my voice would raise. I have gotten better about that. I have been trying to better myself. I mentioned that since we are married we should put each other number one in our life since we supposd to spend rest of our life together and our parents are number 2. That's when she said she started exagerattung and saying shewas put on earth for me and wont talk her family name more and she deleted her whatapss and her family contacts from her phone.

Fyi- I am a person that does not like drama, and the spreading of drama to people that are not involved and I am never one to give anybody stress or any headache.

Was I wrong to say anything? When she tells me drama about her family, I dont tell anyone about it. And I expect it to be the same way around.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,321 Posts
Could you clarify something. Did your sister-in-law state that if she "if she takes her life she will leave a note saying my mom is to blame." in front of you and your wife while you were at your parent's house? Did you mother hear her say that?

Could you give a couple of other examples of arguments you and your wife have had?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
My sister in law said it to her husband who told his to his mom which is my mom over the phone.

My wife thinks I have a problem with her family, which I do not. Only issues she spend alot of time on the phone taking to her mom. They called each other like 10 time a day. Somthime when spending time with wife her mom call and they start talking. Is it wrong that I want to spend time with my wife? I sometimes feel it is intrusive. If my parents called me dozens of time a week i would tell them.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,357 Posts
Gossiping is when a person talks about other people regarding things that have nothing to do with them, don't involve them, don't include them, don't impact them, and don't concern them. It is not a nice thing to do and is usually a very unkind or downright malicious thing to do, but everybody gossips. It's a very human thing to do, and everybody needs someone they can gossip to/with.

It's not gossiping when a person shares things in their life that do involve them, do affect them, do include and concern them. Everybody needs someone they can share those things with also.

But there is one exception to both of those rules: Nobody, and I mean nobody, should talk about, gossip about, or tell on their spouse unless it is about abuse. To support that exception, there is a law here in the US that prevents prosecutors from forcing spouses to bear witness against each other. It simply should never happen.

There is nothing wrong with your wife talking to her mother and brother. It appears they are close and keep in constant contact. That is good for your wife. It's like she uses them as sounding boards like girlfriends. Like I said, everybody needs those type of people in their life. But when it becomes intrusive, then that is a problem, and you should ask your wife not to stay on the phone when you and she are spending time together. But if you and she are not specifically spending time together, then it doesn't matter how often she is on the phone with them, and you should leave her alone about it.

You don't like that she spends so much time on the phone with her family, and so you took it too far in trying to dictate what she should not tell them. Just like you feel there is no purpose in telling her mother what your sister-in-law said, there is also no harm done by it either. It's not something that can cause problems back on your SIL or your brother or your mother or you. They never have to know your wife gossiped about what SIL said.

While I have no idea or understanding whatsoever about your wife's reaction or why she reacted like that, I still have to say yes, you were wrong to tell her not to talk to her family about it.

But your brother was also wrong to tell on his wife to your mother. What transpires in privacy between husband and wife (that is not abuse-related) should stay private between husband and wife.

So you were wrong, and your brother was wrong too.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,321 Posts
There is a lot going on here.

Different people will have different opinions about a person talking to their parents and siblings often. The bottom line is that your wife has the rights to talk to her mother and brother as much as she wants to. The issue from your point of view should only be if it interferes with the time she spends with you, her responsibilities to home and children, and her job if she has one.

For example years ago I was married to a guy who complained about me being on the phone a lot.. and yes, it was often my mother who lived alone and was very isolated. So I'd talk to her a lot. Or I talked to some of my sisters, brothers or friends a lot. I always did this while I was working for my job (I worked from home), or when I was cleaning the house, working in the yard, etc. It made cleaning house much easier to do.. gads I hate housework. My husband spent most of his time either at work (medical school and then residency), or working on his hobbies by himself. So why would it matter to him if I was on the phone? I was not ignoring anything. And... if he ever said he wanted to spend time with me I just got off the phone if I was talking to someone.

So to figure out if the amount of time your wife spends on the phone with her mother is interfering with your relationship and your household, how many hours a week do you and your wife spend together, just the two of you doing things that you both enjoy? Does your wife refuse to do things with you want you ask her to, like if you ask her to? Does she do at least 50% of all housework/chores and childcare (if you have children)?

Now about the thing your sister-in-law (SIL) said and your wife telling her mother and brother. Does your brother often tell your mother and you about the things that his wife tells him in their private conversations? If he does, it's very questionable because this is a direct break of the expected privacy in a relationship. Further, it mostly serves to turn your mother against his wife. If his wife is all that crazy, is he going to marriage counseling to get professional help with his marriage? If not is he doing what he needs to do to divorce her because of her crazy behavior? Or does he just run to mommy to get mommy on his side when his wife upsets him?

I am now very curious about what went on between him and his wife before he ran to his mommy about it? I can imagine several scenarios that might have led to her blowing up. Sure what she said is out of line. But, what he said/did prior to that might be just as crazy. Do you know what they were talking/arguing about?

And now about your wife telling her mother and brother about what your SIL said. You can ask your wife to not pass this on to anyone else. Your wife has the right to tell anyone about it. You can ask her not to, but if she wants tell her mother that's her choice. It sounds like her mother and brother are her support system. She's going to tell her mother and brother the things that she finds disturbing. There is a tendency in families to hush up and help hide the abusive members of the family. The best way to stop an abuser is to shine light on the abuse. On the surface, if your SIL pulls off drama like this often she's abusive.

Now you have the issue of the way our wife reacted to your fight over her talking to her mother/brother. Your wife is over reacting. She could have just told you that she will talk to whomever she wishes. It sounds like the two of you have no idea how to talk to each other and how to maintain proper boundaries in your relationship. You both would benefit from some marriage counseling.

I'm curious, how old are the two of you?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,357 Posts
Or does he just run to mommy to get mommy on his side when his wife upsets him? ..... On the surface, if your SIL pulls off drama like this often she's abusive.
Girl, I'm betting his mother drives that woman crazy, like maybe a meddling MIL, particularly if hubby constantly runs and tells mommy on her like he did this time. I'm also thinking the comment was just off-the-cuff cheeky, a way of expressing her frustration with humor. I was in a store one day that was playing some really awful music (for me anyway), and I said out loud just off-the-cuff "That song makes me want to commit suicide!" That's what I'm thinking her comment was like. She might be crazy like he says, but I really think she was just letting off some steam.

Sounds like they're in a different country, an Asian one perhaps.
 
1 - 6 of 6 Posts
Top