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Hi,

I have been dating a woman I really care for a few months now, we took our time to get to know each other first before we started dating, we are late 30s / early 40s, no kids.

It has been an odd time, we both know we really love each other, at least I do and she has said she does. However she is odd about sex, doesn't seem to have much sex drive and doesn't like to be touched in bed. Just it is sex once a week, usually in a hurry because she has to work or sometimes it has been a couple of weeks between. This concerns me this early on in the relationship. I tried to initiate and I was shouted at about it, though I just got up and made breakfast for us both and didn't take it any further, I should have known to stop initiating the first time rather than trying a couple of times, apparently I was disrespectful (didn't mean to be, but I can see how it could be taken that way, I was rubbing her back in bed and touched her a couple of times to see if there was interest). After that I was also shouted at about something else unrelated so that caused some distance until I took her away for the weekend and we had time to discuss it. I get a hug and a peck, but little other affection from her which I find odd and hurtful. She seems to be struggling to get over this even months later.

In this time since we started dating, I have been helping when I can with her work, I took her away for the weekend a couple of times, and I take her out, bring her food or cook meals. I felt I was doing too much so I stepped back a bit.

The other weekend I mentioned in a text that I didn't feel that important to her and I would like to spend more time with her and have a relationship with her, we are in a relationship but I meant it as in a proper relationship! I probably didn't get my words right, but that is how I felt. I had supported her at a couple of work events as she asked me to and had been pretty much ignored. I appreciate it is work, but 5 mins doesn't hurt. Text isn't the best, but we weren't meeting up enough as she was too busy working. The odd thing is that our relationship has been all about her career and yet I earn a lot more than her, I don't rub her nose in it, but supporting each other goes both ways.

The next meet up we had a lot of tears (and she is a tough cookie so that surprised me) and we discussed things and she said she had a lot of work on, was generally a bit unhappy with how her work and life was going and she knew that we had been having a couple of rough spells but she did really love me. She said she had a WTF moment about me when I asked for some more attention from her. She said she needed to think and have a little bit of space, I offered her an 'out' and she didn't want to take it at that time, said she needed to think and she was sorry she couldn't give me an answer. I don't think she is depressed though she did try that line with me and I heard her out, I have been there and she has plenty of get up and go for work. I feel she tends to criticize me a fair bit when we have these kind of discussions rather than looking at her part, and it is always vague, such as you have been very negative recently and then not being able to give me an example. I admit that when I stepped back a bit it could have been seen that I was being negative but I was still doing plenty in the relationship. I didn't feel I was being particularly needy, but maybe I was.

It just seemed very one sided, I was giving too much for very little back.

I have met her since to help her with some of her work and I will continue to do so, we don't spend time talking when I do that, just making life a bit easier. I am trying to give her space, I am letting her initiate contact via text or if she wants to meet up for dinner.

I don't feel responsible for her happiness (so not co-dependent and I check myself for that), I naturally give a lot and was putting guards in place to make sure this relationship wasn't too one sided.

Fast forward a couple of weeks since I drafted this and I had a serious medical issue that needed attention and she didn't come and check on me which I found painful. I called her out on this and offered the opportunity for her to end it by text, she now has.

I do love her, and even in her text to me to break up she said she loved me. How do I make this right? I am thinking I shouldn't send any more texts and see if she misses me and then part of me feels that she has been very selfish and perhaps I should let it go despite my feelings. It felt like a deep connection as we took a long time to get to know each other before anything happened. I sent one text where I said I accepted her decision, that I do love her and wish it could be different, I feel a bit used but wished her the best and a second one where I thanked her for all the good things and offered to help her as she needed but she would have to reach out. I don't intend to send any more texts but my mind and feelings are all over the place.
 

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You have been background noise for her, nothing else.

Either she is not the loving kind, or, she is on the spectrum and cannot do love or you are not the one.

I doubt anyone will fill those shoes. She has no empathy or awareness of anyone but herself.

I suspect, she tried to make a go of it, in her mind. It was a feeble attempt, for sure.
Your' going to the office event may have been for show, nothing else.

It was her way of showing other work colleagues that she has a life and a man outside work.
Or, maybe, she wanted to make someone jealous. Since she is not emotionally available, who knows.

And, who cares. You deserve better, a partner who finds you to be valuable.

Fear not, there is a person for most everyone.
Keep looking.

Note: She sounds horrible. If she had no feelings or 'need' of you, why drag it on so long, especially, when you went out of your' way to please her.

On the sex side of the arrangement....
She may or may not be sexually inclined.

One thing for sure....
She is not sexually inclined in your' direction.

She is not in relationships for sexual satisfaction. I believe she said that.

You are too young to be celibate.





[THM]- Lilith
 

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You are a mismatch.

She needs someone (if anybody) who is more a partner rather than a lover.

I'm reading that you want more than this.

Long term, this is not going to work.

Sorry, I know you love her. I've been there too, and it just doesn't end well.
 

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I'd let this one go. Dating is a time to determine if someone is a person you want to have a long term relationship with.

This does not sound like a happy, mutual, fulfilling, intimate relationship. By any stretch of the imagination.

I recommend moving on.
 

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See post #2. Really, nothing else needs to be said.

When someone really loves you, and wants you, the relationship is effortless and you don't have to "work" it. I'm sorry this happened to you.
 

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Not. Going. To. Get. Better.

Don't fool yourself, don't talk yourself into this relationship.

Just chalk it up to not being compatible, and move on. That's what dating is, after all, isn't it? "Testing" the relationship, seeing if it is what you both need. If not, don't try to force a square peg in a round hole. Move on.
 

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I'm feeling you are having a difficult time letting her go because you have invested so much time and energy with her. Your ages are important too. She does not want an intimate relationship, doesn't enjoy sex, and doesn't seem to be a giving, caring person.

I agree that this is and should be over. Some day, after meeting someone who really cares for you, you will truly see the difference. This may be a case where y'all went too slow and lost connection.
 

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Hi,

I have been dating a woman I really care for a few months now, we took our time to get to know each other first before we started dating, we are late 30s / early 40s, no kids.

It has been an odd time, we both know we really love each other, at least I do and she has said she does. However she is odd about sex, doesn't seem to have much sex drive and doesn't like to be touched in bed. Just it is sex once a week, usually in a hurry because she has to work or sometimes it has been a couple of weeks between. This concerns me this early on in the relationship. I tried to initiate and I was shouted at about it, though I just got up and made breakfast for us both and didn't take it any further, I should have known to stop initiating the first time rather than trying a couple of times, apparently I was disrespectful (didn't mean to be, but I can see how it could be taken that way, I was rubbing her back in bed and touched her a couple of times to see if there was interest). After that I was also shouted at about something else unrelated so that caused some distance until I took her away for the weekend and we had time to discuss it. I get a hug and a peck, but little other affection from her which I find odd and hurtful. She seems to be struggling to get over this even months later.

In this time since we started dating, I have been helping when I can with her work, I took her away for the weekend a couple of times, and I take her out, bring her food or cook meals. I felt I was doing too much so I stepped back a bit.

The other weekend I mentioned in a text that I didn't feel that important to her and I would like to spend more time with her and have a relationship with her, we are in a relationship but I meant it as in a proper relationship! I probably didn't get my words right, but that is how I felt. I had supported her at a couple of work events as she asked me to and had been pretty much ignored. I appreciate it is work, but 5 mins doesn't hurt. Text isn't the best, but we weren't meeting up enough as she was too busy working. The odd thing is that our relationship has been all about her career and yet I earn a lot more than her, I don't rub her nose in it, but supporting each other goes both ways.

The next meet up we had a lot of tears (and she is a tough cookie so that surprised me) and we discussed things and she said she had a lot of work on, was generally a bit unhappy with how her work and life was going and she knew that we had been having a couple of rough spells but she did really love me. She said she had a WTF moment about me when I asked for some more attention from her. She said she needed to think and have a little bit of space, I offered her an 'out' and she didn't want to take it at that time, said she needed to think and she was sorry she couldn't give me an answer. I don't think she is depressed though she did try that line with me and I heard her out, I have been there and she has plenty of get up and go for work. I feel she tends to criticize me a fair bit when we have these kind of discussions rather than looking at her part, and it is always vague, such as you have been very negative recently and then not being able to give me an example. I admit that when I stepped back a bit it could have been seen that I was being negative but I was still doing plenty in the relationship. I didn't feel I was being particularly needy, but maybe I was.

It just seemed very one sided, I was giving too much for very little back.

I have met her since to help her with some of her work and I will continue to do so, we don't spend time talking when I do that, just making life a bit easier. I am trying to give her space, I am letting her initiate contact via text or if she wants to meet up for dinner.

I don't feel responsible for her happiness (so not co-dependent and I check myself for that), I naturally give a lot and was putting guards in place to make sure this relationship wasn't too one sided.

Fast forward a couple of weeks since I drafted this and I had a serious medical issue that needed attention and she didn't come and check on me which I found painful. I called her out on this and offered the opportunity for her to end it by text, she now has.

I do love her, and even in her text to me to break up she said she loved me. How do I make this right? I am thinking I shouldn't send any more texts and see if she misses me and then part of me feels that she has been very selfish and perhaps I should let it go despite my feelings. It felt like a deep connection as we took a long time to get to know each other before anything happened. I sent one text where I said I accepted her decision, that I do love her and wish it could be different, I feel a bit used but wished her the best and a second one where I thanked her for all the good things and offered to help her as she needed but she would have to reach out. I don't intend to send any more texts but my mind and feelings are all over the place.
How do you make it right? That wasn't your problem, that was her problem and she blew it, sadly.
 

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sorry but in plain English..."she just aint that into you dude".

serious medical episode and couldn't be bothered to check on you? drop her like a bad habit.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Thank you all for the feedback. It is a very tough time letting go of someone you love. I am beginning to realize that I may have just been a background distraction, with her being in love with what I did rather than me. She is very controlling of everyone (in particular her parents) who are close to her but sweetness and nice to everyone else. I seem to making a cycle of this every couple of years, I am focusing on being stronger in my relationships, but it does seem that some people can spot the weaknesses and really exercise them.

I am cutting all contact with the hope that if we do meet again it is on a more level footing, I will be emotionally stronger for doing this. It does hurt though. At least my medical issues (stress, blood pressure related) are under control, that makes it easier to think.

I am going to wait to return her stuff for a couple of weeks, not to be mean, just don't want to have a huge row, be much better to do it when she is away.
 

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You can put her stuff in bags and put them on your back porch for her to pick up when you are not home. If you are feeling generous, you can deliver them to her porch when she is not home. Best to not use giving her stuff back as an excuse to have contact.

IMO you did the right thing. If you aren't even married, and it is this much work, it would only get worse after married.
 
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