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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have been married for over 10 years. Recently, I started MC. First months went fine. I learned to be nicer, say Thank You more often and show appreciation. This was my counselor's idea of getting us closer to each other and make him to help me more around the house. He told me to kill with kindness. :)
My husband knew how frustrated I felt, so he helped. But it did not last long. We are back where we were. He pushes my buttons, I yell at him and he won't help much if any.

When I tried to talk to him about fair share , he said what a "b....ch" I became. He will complain about things not getting done, mess in the house, dirty laundry but he won't help at all. He criticizes me most of the time.

I would understand if I was housewife but I work same hours as he does, plus I have 2 part time jobs. He is fixing computers on the side. I think there are chores that would not kill him like unloading dishwasher, fold his own clothes, vacuum once a week. He will vacuum if I beg, did his clothes once and never touched dishwasher.

About finances - he spends evenings on his laptop searching for good deals on the internet. He will buy things we don't really need, or find reason to need them.
His newest project is a fishing boat. He knows I do not agree with it but keeps saying he made his extra money so it is his business where he spends it.
To me, there are more important things than his boat to pay. We have lots of loans and I know he will need things to take care of it and gas, so it is not just one time expense.
We do not have kids yet, and with him having a boat, I can imagine where he is going to be most of the time.

I feel like his maid. I can't stand it.
I want to be with someone who can share responsibilities with me and not to assume it is my job just because I was born a woman. Same with kids. I want a father who will be involve in their lives and not to fish every afternoon.
I feel so alone in this marriage. I had my hopes up when I started MC at first but after 3 months, I am not sure anymore. My biological clock is ticking and I don't know what to do....
 

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He criticizes me most of the time

I feel like his maid.

I feel so alone in this marriage.

I had my hopes up when I started MC at first but after 3 months, I am not sure anymore.
Have you addressed the top 3 items with your MC in detail? Just telling you to kill him with kindness is dismissive. Have you mentioned it's not working?

You may need to get a little deeper in your sessions or find another MC.

Why isn't he going with you?
 

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I don't blame you for being frustrated.

That said, you've mentioned how you are critical with his chores, critical with his finances, critical with his hobbies, and critical about his contribution to the house. (I did not see one positive mention of him in the whole post.) He seems pretty critical about you too. Not good.

Do you guys spend 15 hours a week together, not worrying about chores and finances, but rather focused on each other?

Or, if you are not happy, and he won't change to meet your needs, why do you stay?
 

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I don't blame you for being frustrated.

That said, you've mentioned how you are critical with his chores, critical with his finances, critical with his hobbies, and critical about his contribution to the house. (I did not see one positive mention of him in the whole post.) He seems pretty critical about you too. Not good.

Do you guys spend 15 hours a week together, not worrying about chores and finances, but rather focused on each other?

Or, if you are not happy, and he won't change to meet your needs, why do you stay?
Two INCREDIBLY CRITICAL QUESTIONS?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I don't blame you for being frustrated.

That said, you've mentioned how you are critical with his chores, critical with his finances, critical with his hobbies, and critical about his contribution to the house. (I did not see one positive mention of him in the whole post.) He seems pretty critical about you too. Not good.

Do you guys spend 15 hours a week together, not worrying about chores and finances, but rather focused on each other?

Or, if you are not happy, and he won't change to meet your needs, why do you stay?
No, we do not.
When he gets home, it is usually later. He will watch tv while messing with his online deal searching. And I mean, every night - same thing. I will sometimes jump on the couch and just sit there and watch tv with him. We have some shows we can watch together. Five from seven nights of the week, I have to woke him up to go to the bed. Thanks to that, his dental hygiene is not the best.
When we are in the bed watching tv, I usually ask for back rub while massaging his feet. I always offer something in return but he never starts on his own or tell me to go ahead and he will play with my back later when he is done with his deal searching.


Through weekends, I bake cakes, he goes out with his boys to play golf or fishing. Even if I have a free day, he has different plans and I enjoy being home alone without his sarcastic remarks.

Beside that, he is a good person. He actually taking me to MC since it is one hour drive and I am not best driver. He does not go in with me because he won't admit any problems.
I do not want much, just him to do more for us, not just me, US.
 

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Sorry, I''m having a hard time seeing enough positives to say. "Yes, I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
 

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i feel for you..................since you have no kids yet you better straigthen these issues because when you finally had one things might get worse.

i hope you the very best......your points are all valid....we all need to be treated right. good luck and God bless!!!!

pray!
[

QUOTE=AwfullyGuilty;1468643]No, we do not.
When he gets home, it is usually later. He will watch tv while messing with his online deal searching. And I mean, every night - same thing. I will sometimes jump on the couch and just sit there and watch tv with him. We have some shows we can watch together. Five from seven nights of the week, I have to woke him up to go to the bed. Thanks to that, his dental hygiene is not the best.
When we are in the bed watching tv, I usually ask for back rub while massaging his feet. I always offer something in return but he never starts on his own or tell me to go ahead and he will play with my back later when he is done with his deal searching.


Through weekends, I bake cakes, he goes out with his boys to play golf or fishing. Even if I have a free day, he has different plans and I enjoy being home alone without his sarcastic remarks.

Beside that, he is a good person. He actually taking me to MC since it is one hour drive and I am not best driver. He does not go in with me because he won't admit any problems.
I do not want much, just him to do more for us, not just me, US.[/QUOTE]
 

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I would be curious to know what the dynamic was between your H's mother and father growing up.
Is there any way you could "reserve" a weekend day and get out of the house, just the two of you? You have all the usual stress factors as far as running a household but very little in the way of tender moments to make it all worthwhile.

It sounds like your H is not really putting much into the marriage. Compounded by his unwillingness to work on things in MC, this does not seem like the type of guy that is going to change. What would happen if you just stopped doing his laundry for a while?
 

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I don't blame you for being frustrated.

That said, you've mentioned how you are critical with his chores, critical with his finances, critical with his hobbies, and critical about his contribution to the house. (I did not see one positive mention of him in the whole post.) He seems pretty critical about you too. Not good.

Do you guys spend 15 hours a week together, not worrying about chores and finances, but rather focused on each other?

Or, if you are not happy, and he won't change to meet your needs, why do you stay?
I really like your answer and totally agree. I would suggest you to read "5 love languages" of Gary Chapman. You will see how important it is to nurture qualities of your partner!
 

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I really like your answer and totally agree. I would suggest you to read "5 love languages" of Gary Chapman. You will see how important it is to nurture qualities of your partner!
Honestly with no kids if he's like this, its going to get 100x worse WITH kids. I'd cut my losses and get out of there. Life is too short to stay unhappy especially with someone not willing to make YOU happy. Forget him!
Posted via Mobile Device
 

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He does not go in with me because he won't admit any problems.
That's all I need to see to ask why you're staying? He isn't changing. He is not going to change. You are not going to change him.

I sincerely doubt you will ever find a way to be happy with someone who criticizes you, ignores you, and doesn't let you have any influence on them. If this is what you're striving for in counseling, then I hope your counselor is no help at all, because the only way you can find contentment with someone like your husband is to stop valuing yourself.

Since you cannot change to be happy with what you have, and what you have isn't ever going to change, what's keeping you there?
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I read somewhere on this forum, that for a marriage to work, you have to know how to ask for "something." How do you nicely ask for a man to help you, or not really to help, but to play as a team?

My H hated when I was behind with laundry. After MC, he was suppose to help me with folding his own laundry and putting it to his closet. It happened twice and he knows this was part of our work on the marriage. Now, 5 months later, my clothes are in my closet most of the time while his are next to his bed on the floor. I actually folded them for him and just to set it there for him to put it away. It is not happening and I don't know how to ask anymore. This, besides everything else, creates a lot conflicts between us. I feel selfish when he gives me his "why can't you do it, it is your job" talk. I don't know how to deal with it anymore without giving in.
 

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When you have an affair, you magnify your H's faults.

Have you gone NC with the OM yet? You should not know when he is coming back next year.

You need to magnify his faults to help with the desire to continue cheating and continuing the emotional affair and the PA.

Your H does need his eyes opened. When you tell him about the reason that he needs to go to MC is to wake up and that you have built emotional walls to continue to keep your affair secret from him.

Keeping such secrets and building these walls to protect your affair and OM are not the way to ever have a good marriage.

Maybe your H doesn't need to know everything but I still want to know everything about my wife's affair.

It lets your H make some decisions with his eyes open to a very important part of your marriage. You can't fix your relationship with these huge walls built between you. I could feel my wife's distance and her anger.

I try to be a good h, but I know we all have faults. I kept telling her that she is distant. She disagreed, but she had to keep me out to protect her OM. Because she felt more for the OM and more loyalty there.

I was sitting next to her in church. She will not tell me how many OMs there were or are. She continues to deny. So I have felt uncomfortable about her interaction with someone she worked with at church. I confronted her about it. So the next time I was sitting next to her, I felt the OM watching us. I was supposed to leave, but I decided I would not leave while he was still there. He kept standing there a few feet away waiting for me to leave. She got made and finally left.

Because I spoiled her fun time with the OM.

After the almost 40 years, all our children and grandchildren.

The OM has come to me in the past for financial advice. He inherited some property. He is way behind on the real estate taxes and is going to lose everything.

The OM does not work, just tried to live off the inheritance.

My wife wants me to work long hours to provide, and she likes to shop. Please tell your H or better yet , write your H a timeline of your A. Then you can try to have an honest relationship with either your H or your OM. But watch out. The OM will cheat on you if he will cheat with you.

If you would like your life to get better, provide honesty and tear down your huge walls.

hope you can find a good solution and find happiness.

For me, one more year until the last one is out of the house.
 
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