I love you but not in love with you = I am screwing someone else and would like you to kindly get out of the way of my fantasy. Your presence in my "other" life is annoying but please don't divorce me because I love your money and the lifestyle you provide while I screw other people.
Translation - You are too beta and need to up your alpha big time.
Not sure if you think you're trying to actually help or if such an asinine comment makes you feel alpha, although it clearly shows those of us smart enough to see through it you are quite obviously otherwise. It really gets me how often around these boards I read men and women screaming in certainty "I love you but I'm no longer in love with you" means he/she is screwing someone else and is deeply entrenched in the throws of a hot love affair with someone else. That's just not always true.
My soon to be ex wife said that to me many times, as I struggled to hang on to a deeply unhealthy and unhappy marriage in which I wasn't in fact alpha enough to move on from first. Like so many I told myself being together was better for our young daughters, even though deep down I knew it was past that excuse/reason for a shot at repair. Yes I am now alpha enough to realize and admit I just didn't want to A- pull the trigger first (the divorce filing trigger that is although the other crossed my mind a few times!) and B- simply didn't want to be alone in my misery just quite yet.
That being said, one thing I damn sure did do early on is spend thousands of dollars on the best PI to know she wasn't cheating when she started saying "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and swore there was no other. In our case she simply meant just that, and frankly so did I although I never spoke those words to her. We had kids together, we had a nice run together for a lot of years, we cared about each other, we loved each other. We still do love each other and I think are the kind of people who always will. But we are no longer or never will ever again be in love with each other.
So for those of you who those harsh yet real words may have meant "I'm fing your best friend, our neighbor, the teacher, some stranger and and you know it and I'm loving it and he/she is so much more than you"... please...find a better outlet for that rightfully so serious despair and anger than dumping it in a broad-sweeping generalization upon every single one of us going through a breakup of any sort who've heard it. It's not always "OMG 100% affair man up and move on you're better off without him/her". /endofmy2centrant
OP imho your husband will remember the good you had and most likely miss you...someday. That day may be in weeks, months, years. As others point out try to focus on you, acceptance (sounds like that is starting to happen which is a very important step of grieving) and being strong. Don't fuel his fire ever again if possible - read - stop reaching out to him even in the slightest way. You'll be better off in the long run like so many of us will be/are...but not knowing how long that "long run" will take to get to a place of peace is hard indeed.
