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Discussion Starter #1
New here.

I feel a bit nuts typing this, but here goes. My husband and I have been living together for 17 years, married for 8. We have three amazing children (ages 7.5, 5.75, 3.75). He runs a business and is moderately successful. I work part-time and provide some money and all of the medical benefits for the family.

We have had a good life so far, waited a long time before marriage even though we had been living together, and chose to have each child before we conceived. We began living together when I was 16 and he was 18. We were both starting college that year.

Short version is, I care for him, he is a wonderful person, we don't have any abuse or anything bad going on. We don't even call each other names. We both allow for each other to do fun things that we love, like going to concerts, working out, etc. But I have no passion for him, and I believe it's been this way the entire time.

Before we were married I tried to "get out" a couple of times in a passive way, without having to say "I want out." But it didn't go through. The closest was when I got a job as a nanny in Germany. His heart was broken and I just felt too guilty, so I didn't go through with it.

He's a wonderful father, a very giving sex partner, and wants to improve. So far he believes I'm having a crisis, and he doesn't understand what about, and he basically says he's never been happier (until just recently when he's realized we are not on the same page).

I feel like I want to separate and try to grow individually. I think he could really benefit from it too. But am I nuts? Any person looking in would gladly take our lives, I think, and I feel so crazy wanting out. On the other hand, I just don't have any feelings for him right now, other than I care for him deeply, we have a long history together, and we are a family.

Help? I have an appointment in a couple of weeks with a therapist. He is willing to see someone but right now he doesn't even know what he would say or what his goal would be during an appointment, since this is "my thing." I don't really know what to tell him.

I'm imagining some kind of separation where we share the house for a while with the kids, and maybe each rent our own mini places too, although realistically not sure if that can happen.

Maybe this is just chemical - do I need a pill??? I feel so ungrateful saying all of these things, and feel so terribly guilty that I would consider disrupting our family and potentially seriously scarring our children, just for me to lead a more fulfilling life.

??? So upset and confused. Can't sleep, nausious, etc. Not sure how we can last this way for two weeks until I see a therapist! He is also basically getting drunk each night to be numb, so he doesn't have to "think." He says he's going in circles in his head, since I'm not giving him much to go on. Of course I haven't said most of this to him, because maybe it's just a temporary state of mind, and these things could be very damaging to him!

Thanks in advance!
 

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Neither of us have anyone else. I have never cheated, and as far as I know, has hasn't either. In fact, earlier this year, when I explained that I was in a depression, I also brought up both of us seeing other people. I thought maybe that would help "spice" things up a bit. We agreed that we were both open to the idea of one-nighters. We are really honest in that area, and so far, nothing has happened.
 

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I threw that question out there as a challenge to you. Having been here as long as I have your story reads like a book. A great guy, questioning if you ever loved him, no spark in the sack, feeling you missed out and OBTW he drinks heavily now. A third party does not have to be some on you've slept with, it can be a mentor, friend, FBF,... any number of people who can draw your emotions away from your spouse. The fact that you've suggested you see other people is quite telling in that it is not your husband that is the problem and that you long for some one else. Again I am just asking if there is another party fueling this desire to leave, consciously or subconsciously
 

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I think what you're feeling is completely normal. There are stages to longterm relationships and your's has naturally matured. A heart attack is exciting but that doesn't mean it's a good thing. Just because you don't feel fireworks when the guy walks in the room doesn't mean your relationship is broken. If you learned a Nuke was heading for your city and you had one hour to live, who would you want to spend that hour with? If you got really incredible news, who would you rush to tell? Mr. Wonderful Guy can pick up his game but it's pretty hard to find an honest, hardworking, compassionate guy who will still be Mr. Wonderful 17 years later. Even if you could find such a guy, he wouldn't be the father of your kids. Maybe you don't need to trade-in. Maybe your guy just needs a tune-up.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Thanks Amp. I feel really needy for attention, but not from my husband. There is no one specific that I can think of. I don't really have close friends - just work friends. I just seriously want space from my husband. I've always liked my space, but now that he detects how I'm feeling, he is trying harder, and it's completely turning me off even more. So strange how this all works. I can imagine finding someone and having a great affair, but can't really see that happening in a practical sense given the current situation.
 

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Thanks "Unbelievable." Let me tell you some more about our history. When we first got together obviously I was young (16) as was he (18). I think he was my way "out" of town - literally - we moved to the current town we live in for school. I think over the last 17 years I have grown very self-confident, and found myself. I was very immature, looking back, and didn't have a lot of self-confidence. My husband has some self-esteem issues (aside from the very recent dive thanks to me). He is constantly concerned with what others think of him, even his fashion, hair, everything. He's kind of OCD about things, and can't be comfortable if we go out. We have taken several trips over the years because I love to travel, and they were all okay, but not amazing, and the last two were terrible. We just had NO fun together. It was really sad. I can't imagine dismantling our family, and damaging him so much, but then when I imagine a life like this forever (I'm only 33), it is SO depressing.

Thanks....
 

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, he is trying harder, and it's completely turning me off even more. So strange how this all works. I can imagine finding someone and having a great affair, but can't really see that happening in a practical sense given the current situation.
If your issues are truly with your husband you need to carefully explain to him that his actions are counterproductive at this point. He is reacting normally, especially for a male. He wants to fix it, he wants to draw you near but the more he pursues the more you draw away. Have you considered couples counseling?
 

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One more thing - my husband reported this year that he's never been happier. I think it's because our sex life has been great. We're always nice to each other, etc. The thing is, I have had to be under the influence of something to get turned on. And in the past 2 months, even that hasn't been doing the trick. I can't imagine telling him this.
 

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Yes - we're both willing. I see someone in two weeks, and then she can help us get hooked up with couples counseling. Thanks.
 

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i think it makes perfect sense. i think your husband should find some young hotty too that will rock his world. Forget the kids. who needs to do the family thing. And kids can recover quite well from marital breakups. Go have fun. you deserve to. And your husband can have the freedom to savor the spices of many women that will electrify him. The abilty to eat from a full plate of femininity and enjoy the buffet. He may even find the perfect one and his soul mate and fall in deep love with her. Sounds like a guys dream. you should explain to him he shouldnt be upset and should be busy scoping out his next bedroom conquest.
 

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OMG: there's no passion, so what's the question exactly?
Be honest for God's sake!
Tell him.
And then move on without him and find a man that you can have passion with.
IT's gonna hurt like hell...join the rest of us! But, better to have freedom and the truth than lies and captivity. Free the man. Free yourself. Life is too short.
 

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Thanks for your honest reply. My question, aside from babbling!, is should I go ahead and separate and try to work on things as we are separated? Or should I try to work on things while we are in the same house? If we stay in the same house it will be much less shocking to him, and kids, but probably harder. I feel like a need a fresh space and change before I can consider working on stuff with him and counselor. I'm sure a counselor can help me in a couple of weeks with these issue, but that seems so far away!
 

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Visualize your husband with another woman. Someone who does find him to be everything she needs and wants; a good provider, good family man, etc. Then visualize how happy you will be with your "space." You can do what you want with whomever you want, and not have to report back to anyone. Except, that your husband won't be your husband any more, he'll be *her* husand, whoever she is. And he'll care about her, not you. And then you'll be left with... what? What is it you're looking for? You need to clearly define for yourself what it is you imagine you're missing out on. And think very hard about what you'll be giving up if you separate. You may think he'll wait for you but... he may not.

I've been married 25 years. Love has an ebb and flow. It isn't something that just happens, that's infatuation. Marriage has to be worked on. You really learn to love someone over time.
 

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Listen, you asked: Tell him the Truth. There is no passion. He doesn't deserve to live in a lie, neither do you. Once he hears that, determine his attitude. If things get sour and ugly you must move out for the kids, no need to poison their home with your drama. I know, this part is the hardest and I am sorry for your kids and him for the pain they will endur, that is what the professionals are there for, get the kids to the counsellor and him.
You? You're done. There is no passion. You dont need to work on anything. Be nice but remember: moving on. Find a place quickly. Move in as soon as you can.
If you get too compassionate you will get sucked into the drama and it will hurt everyone even more. Suck it up. You are teaching the kids, him and everyone involved a lesson, that in life...tough choices must be made but change is a part of life, embracing it and surviving it are what life's all about.
In the end, he will understand but probably not for now. It's gonna feel like hell, the tears, the hurt, the pain...but that is how it is...it happens all the time, everywhere, every culture, every race, every country.

You have a whole life ahead of you, the kids will always be a priority but they will grow up. Better for them to have a happy Mom, established and living her life than one that is trapped and trying to make everyone happy at her expense.

Today is your day to change, make it happen, live and let live.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Thank you sandc. I hear you. It's very hard to imagine and I think it would be painful. In relationships I always think we should be bringing out the best in each other, but that has never happened in our case. I think it is the classic "hooked up too young" story, even though we waited for 9 years until marriage and kids. We were great friends and still are. But we've been complacent. Now that I am waking up and feeling how short life is, that's what has me worried. He says he's never been happier but I think he has huge opportunity/potential for growth, and would be happier if he did grow. I wonder if there is someone who would appreciate him and love him and bring that out more than I do. I keep thinking over the years, "time will tell" if we are really in love and meant to work out. But nothing is actually changing, we're just getting older.

For the past couple of months I've stopped the intimacy because internally I just couldn't handle the lack of enthusiasm on my part, even with help (under the influence, viagra for him, etc.). That led to several discussions between us, most recently last week he brought up the, "should we separate" discussion. Since then it's been really, really awkward and painful. Just waiting for therapy I guess!
 

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Thanks UserAwaitingDeletion. Yes, we can afford a cheap place. But would it be for me? Due to our schedules I have the kids mostly during the day, and he has weekends and evenings available. I have read about where the couple splits and extra place and trades places between there and home. Sounds complicated! But too expensive to get two additional places, and don't want to start passing kids around at this early stage. Ugh.

I have to say this forum is refreshing that I am not alone!
 

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once you go out that door you will Play around in very short order there will be no working on it. you might find that you really do love and want him but the damage you cause will not be able to be undone and you will have the rest of your life to regret it. So glade you are not my wife how horrible.
 
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