Talk About Marriage banner

Want to know if I'm in the wrong

1492 Views 7 Replies 8 Participants Last post by  DTO
Found this site the other day while researching my situation and decided to give it a try. I've been married for 10 years now, have two kids and love my wife and kids with all my heart. With that out of the way, my wife used to be sexual as ever - would initiate sex whenever possible, would wear lingerie and do all of things to please me. Even after our first child and for the first little bit after our second child she was like this. I just got out of the Navy after 13 years and was gone for over 2 years of our relationship/ Now, to add to this, she has been on anti-depressants since our second child, too.
Over the past few years, I have noticed that she has lost all interest in sex, will NEVER initiate sex and will reject my advances towards sex and it's absolutely frustrating! I've tried to buy her lingerie, and even brought her in before I bought things for her and she approved of them, even said they looked very sexy. It's been over a month since I received the last of the lingerie I bought her and she hasn't even tried it on yet. I've talked to her about it, well, expressed my feelings towards this, but she won't talk about it, it seems like. To top it off, I currently work the night shift and only get a chance to sleep with her during the weekends now, and every night of the weekend, she's "too tired" or there's some other excuse, or just flat-out gets mad at my attempts to initiate sex. After these rejections, it's to the point where I get mad and upset and don't talk to her for a day or two. I still have the same high sex drive as I've had since we first got together, and she's down to little or no sex drive now. It's to the point where the only times I get off is when I look at porn and take matters into my own hands. Am I in the wrong for being mad about this situation? Or being too selfish on the sex issues??
Just want to know if anyone else has had these experiences with anti-depressants of if it's something I should really be concerned over. Any help would be greatly appreciated!
See less See more
Not open for further replies.
1 - 8 of 8 Posts
First off, thank you for your service in the Navy! Now, onto the matter at hand, or shall I say in your hand!
You should know that you are not the only one in this situation. I have similar issues with my wife of 6 years. She is also on an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medicine. These medicines almost always have a negative impact on libido. My wife's libido went from high to non-existant when she started the meds.
It sounds like you need to have a very honest and open talk with your wife. Aside from the never initiating sex, it sounds like there may be some more underlying issues she is experiencing. It took me a while to get my thoughts together and "confront" my wife with my concerns, expectations, and needs. However, after we both laid out our thoughts and issues, we were able to come up with some compromises. She still doesn't initiate, except for once in a blue moon, but she no longer denies my attempts.
You are not in the wrong for feeling the way you do. If your wife truly cares about your relationship, she should be open to talk and compromise. She may even be able to try a different medication, if that is truly her only problem. They all have various side effects and affect people in different ways.
I still get upset and frustrated that my wife rarely initiates sex. It makes me feel like she isn't into me and doesn't desire me like she used to. We are both a lot more open about our concerns and are working to improve things. Hopefully you and your wife can do the same.
See less See more
Now, to add to this, she has been on anti-depressants since our second child, too.
SSRIs are renowned for lowering libido (in males they often cause ED). If your W has been on an anti-depressant for some time, perhaps it's time for her to have it reviewed. If she's still depressed, therapy might be a better option than meds.
Hi there,

Sure, it could easily be depression itself and/or anti-depressants, it could be that she has some issues about her appearance, it could also be that she feels that the connection is lost between you and her due to your Navy time away from her. I really hope that you have a moment to sit down and talk about things because without talking you don't know what's bothering her. Also I would say, I wouldn't concentrate on telling her that you want more sex or you want her to initiate it, I would rather try to see if there is anything deeper going on without putting her off with sex talk.
Just like RollinLefty said before you're not in the wrong feeling the way you do but sometimes it could be so hard to see things outside of our own box and maybe your wife will interpret your words differently than meant.
I have had a depression and it is actually pretty awful condition where your brain doesn't produce hormones it should. Now when looking back I can see clearly that this was not "normal me" at that time, back then I couldn't really see everything so clearly and objectively.
See less See more
Its is completely normal to get frustrated at the lack of sex going on. But I have to agree with Cosmos, depending on how long she's been on meds, maybe she needs to sit down with her doc ( with you there ) and discuss coming off the meds or going on something different. Best of luck to you both!
What is she taking?
I don't mean to be negative but is there any thing that would indicate an affair while you were gone, or even ongoing? It is really common for people to either reject their partner or for their sex to take off during an affair.
Posted via Mobile Device
SSRIs in particular drain the sex drive - no question. I'm on them and went from wacking off daily to once every week or two. I just have no desire to bone anything. My wife has also been on them and lost her sex drive entirely. Having sex with her takes about 10 times begging, then I get to stick it in. She seems to be in a great mood afterwards. I don't know if it is really just her relief that she now has a few weeks of tensionless living knowing that I'm satisfied. Doubt I'll ever know - sex is like some kind of cursed thing, I think she must curse her vagina!

Ok, with that said about anti-depressants, one thing however, is I still want intimacy. The SSRI did not take that away. I'm happy to just snuggle for an hour but she doesn't even want that. I am left to feel like a tool around the house. If I were someone else, I'd feel very sorry for me, really, working hard, taking care of kids, allowing my wife to have a very easy day, no cleaning responsibilities or cooking responsibilities - not much really, and what do I get in return - HOSTILITY! Yes, if I bring it up (sex) it is like watching a nature program where the killer spider braces itself to go in for the kill - it is this instinctual attack stance that is triggered. Man I wish I could get it on film or video. "Hey honey, do you think you can hug me a bit more" BOOOM!, out comes the Ninja.

So, what I am saying is that I think you are in ok shape if she is affectionate and just not sexual. If she is non-sexual and non-affectionate, then she's messed up in the head. She probably was abused and equates sex with personal invasion. If she is not interested in changing herself she'll live in a cave for good. Honestly, the only way to make one change is to start planning to leave I think. But before you do that make it clear your concerns - ie, 'I can't live in a sexless marriage'. Let that sink in. If nothing changes, begin planning your way out and don't go to lengths to hide your intentions...
See less See more
SSRIs are renowned for lowering libido (in males they often cause ED). If your W has been on an anti-depressant for some time, perhaps it's time for her to have it reviewed. If she's still depressed, therapy might be a better option than meds.
This for sure.

Have a serious talk with her. Simply note that she has changed in a way that has adversely impacted your relationship. She should not get pissy at this, as you have merely stated a fact. Her sex drive has dropped to near zero, and she's not even pleasant about it. As a result you're starting to feel bad about the relationship.

Do indeed ask her to go in and get her medication reviewed and sign up for some individual counseling. If she agrees, well then see how it goes. If she refuses, you will need to add marriage counseling to the mix; any refusal to find an alternative to behavior obviously harmful to the marriage is an issue in itself.
1 - 8 of 8 Posts
Not open for further replies.