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So I'm sure most women can relate to the feeling that your husband enjoys sex a lot more than you do. While he appears to be in complete and utter ecstacy, nine times out of ten I'm uncomfortable and it hurts in some way. I try to relax and enjoy myself, but I tend to get bored and my mind wonders. Then I try to focus again, but I end up feeling sore or numb- very little pleasure. That's not to say we've NEVER had good sex before, but like I said, 90% of the time it's difficult for me.

My husband was never the guy I was sexually attracted too. He most definitely handsome, but I married him for his goodness and personality, not the sexual chemistry. He's not experiencing this on his side; he's 100% into me sexually and just the sight of my mid-rift makes him horny. I wish I felt as sexually driven as him. I wish I could feel the warm tingly sensations and the overwhelming urge, but there is no urge.

How can I get the urge and feel turned on my him? I love him and I want to feel as passionate during sex as he does. This has been going on a good majority of our marriage. It'll be two years in January.

My husband is at least aware that I have difficulties with sex: We've tried a lot of different things. We've tried lube, different sex positions, and oral sex (even that's difficult for me). Even with lube the sex still kinda hurts. Dr says there's nothing wrong going on down there :/
 

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My husband is at least aware that I have difficulties with sex: We've tried a lot of different things. We've tried lube, different sex positions, and oral sex (even that's difficult for me). Even with lube the sex still kinda hurts. Dr says there's nothing wrong going on down there :/
From your description, it sounds to me like the real issue is attraction. You said yourself that he just doesn't have the same effect on you sexually as you do on him. Its kind of difficult for you to fully engage and really enjoy sex when the attraction is not really there. Have you given much thought about what changes your husband could make that would make him more attractive to you? Would it be something physical like losing a small paunch in the belly? Or would it be something else, like being more considerate of you or showing more romance?
I know it can be frustrating to have the potential to have mind blowing sex but you just can't figure out how to get there. Is there anything that your husband has ever done that has gotten your motor running?
 

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And, I'm not meaning to suggest that there is something wrong with YOU, but have you had your hormones checked? I know that my exe's sex drive was DIRECTLY tied to hormonal balance. Her already low sex drive took a nose dive when she had an early hysterectomy. Zero interest in sex, and sex itself became painful and uncomfortable due to lack of lubrication. When she talked to her doctor, they gave her some hormone cremes and gels, and her sex drive went through the roof. (Unfortunately, when she realized how much her desire was tied to such simple chemistry, she stopped using the hormones because she felt her desire wasn't sincere).

And it's been my experience that lack of desire can eventually weak havoc on a marriage. This is something I never really ascribed to, and always thought that the passion would come along if the partners were well matched on other levels. We were badly matched sexually. I was always ready, willing to try anything, but she simply didn't feel the same way for most of our marriage.

Sadly, the lack of desire on her part was pretty much the last straw, though our relationship by that time had degraded for other reasons. I divorced her, and in the end, the lack of passion was a factor. I could tell she simply wasn't interested, and I got tired of what amounted to duty sex.

After divorce, I met and married my wife. We were in our fifties, and our passion for each other is mutual. We are well matched on all levels. But we BOTH have a past that speaks to the problems a lack of passion can bring.

Sexual attraction may be of secondary importance philosophically, but it lack of it can eventually be a problem. It certainly was a factor in my wife's previous marriages. She was married for many years to the father of her children, but they had a very unsatisfying sex life. She married too young, she was sexually inhibited, naive; and her husband was not a passionate person. They married because they thought they were right for each other. He was, in many ways, an ideal husband and father. However, they slept in separate beds, and sex, while he enjoyed it in his own way, was essentially passionless. She he experienced her first orgasm spontaneously after years of marriage. She could NOT change her husband to make him more attractive to her, or to turn her on, or give her pleasure in any way. Lack of attraction ended her marriage, and she ended up in a disastrous second marriage to a serial cheater who she was smitten with -- and who gave her the passion she had been missing.
 

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From your description, it sounds to me like the real issue is attraction. You said yourself that he just doesn't have the same effect on you sexually as you do on him. Its kind of difficult for you to fully engage and really enjoy sex when the attraction is not really there. Have you given much thought about what changes your husband could make that would make him more attractive to you? Would it be something physical like losing a small paunch in the belly? Or would it be something else, like being more considerate of you or showing more romance?
I know it can be frustrating to have the potential to have mind blowing sex but you just can't figure out how to get there. Is there anything that your husband has ever done that has gotten your motor running?
:iagree:

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Have you tried using a vibrator first? He can use it on you and that will really help to get stimulated. A plug in one is best if you have trouble getting aroused.
 

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agree with Zatol Ugot. Express to your husband what gets you aroused. Or maybe you need to step back and do that inventory yourself. Is it a physical thing, a mental thing? A certain kind of touch in a certain place? Something in the time and place for intimacy? What turns you on?
Given from what you've written, there is not the sexual spark with your husband. But what are the things you'd like to do or have done to you that will get you going? Find those and share them with him and see if he can start your fire.
 

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My wife's hormones were so low that she really couldn't think of anything that would bring her to arousal, other than direct stimulation to her yummy parts.
I had asked her if while watching a moving with a love scene in it, does it do anything for her. She said no. Even if I grabbed onto her thighs and slowly rubbed up and down her legs...nothing. I told her that those things definitely get me aroused and makes me want to be inside her. Now that she is receiving hormone therapy, the physical touch is beginning to work. I am still hopeful that as the hormones set in, she'll get moist just by watching others get it on in a movie.
 

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So I'm sure most women can relate to the feeling that your husband enjoys sex a lot more than you do. While he appears to be in complete and utter ecstacy, nine times out of ten I'm uncomfortable and it hurts in some way. I try to relax and enjoy myself, but I tend to get bored and my mind wonders. Then I try to focus again, but I end up feeling sore or numb- very little pleasure. That's not to say we've NEVER had good sex before, but like I said, 90% of the time it's difficult for me.

My husband was never the guy I was sexually attracted too. He most definitely handsome, but I married him for his goodness and personality, not the sexual chemistry. He's not experiencing this on his side; he's 100% into me sexually and just the sight of my mid-rift makes him horny. I wish I felt as sexually driven as him. I wish I could feel the warm tingly sensations and the overwhelming urge, but there is no urge.

How can I get the urge and feel turned on my him? I love him and I want to feel as passionate during sex as he does. This has been going on a good majority of our marriage. It'll be two years in January.

My husband is at least aware that I have difficulties with sex: We've tried a lot of different things. We've tried lube, different sex positions, and oral sex (even that's difficult for me). Even with lube the sex still kinda hurts. Dr says there's nothing wrong going on down there :/
sounds like you setteled for goodness and security over attraction and lust.

hard to find someone who has goodness ,security ,attraction,and lust all bundled up in one package. so you pick the important things in your mind at the time and fell for the sex isn't everything line of crap.


now your realising how important it is in a healthy marriage.

if you really don't desire him disolve the marriage















































did you ever have a desire for him? dosen't sound like you did.
 

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I'm not sure about the prospects for the future. You don't seem to be sexually attracted to your husband.

I can only imagine how much of a chore sex would be if I wasn't attracted to my partner. Undoubtedly the resentment would grow, submitting to sex only for her pleasure, making it that much less desirable. Over time I imagine the frequency would dwindle to zero.
 

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Hi, I know how you feel because I was you, though not to such an extreme. I have enjoyed sex with my husband in the past, though I always had low drive, but mostly I was not interested and went through the motions. Like you, i really wished I liked sex more. It seemed like my husband wanted (still wants) sex all the time. Sometimes I would change in the other room because just the sight of me would make him grope me. Sometimes I didn't want to get out of the shower.


I never had pain. What kind of pain because you said you "kinda have pain." what does 'kinda' mean? you feel nothing pleasurable at all? How could oral sex be painful? it's just licking skin. are you so super-sensitive that just a tongue on skin is painful? I don't understand that part.

I almost think it sounds cliche, but those Fifty Shades books that I read almost a year ago made me want to enjoy sex more. I know it's just a fairy tale and it seemed like she got all the pleasure but it made me want sex more. Then I read other similar books, and sex tips books, and other similar books. The quality of sex has not changed but I'm still hoping it will.

We tried anal sex. Maybe that wouldn't hurt as much (doubt it) and you should try it, slowly.

LAtely i'm thinking that I was never much interested in sex because my husband, as incredibly affectionate and loving as he is, just isn't such a great lover (will be working on that, too). Maybe if he did a better job pleasing me, and making sure I had an orgasm, too, and teased me, and made the sex feel great then I would enjoy sex more.

Can you talk with your husband and try different things to try in the bedroom to spice up the sex life?
 
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